//------------------------------// // Chapter 28 // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// The hospital was full of ghosts. At least, that is how it appeared to Noctilucent. There were a few adults, but there were mostly foals. They were transparent, and you could see through them. They made no sound as they roamed the halls. Noctilucent realised that he recognised some of them, and many of them were dead. It was unnerving to see the dead populate his dreams. He hoped that he wouldn’t run into his grandmother. “They can’t hurt you.” Noctilucent turned to look at his feminine self. “You are beginning to remember, instead of shutting them out and repressing them. Look around you Noctilucent, see where you can draw your strength from. Over there is the foal that died while you were reading. The one that pushed you over. Like it or not, these are the experiences that defined you. The others in your memories, all these ghosts all around you, these are all ponies that have made you what you are in some way or another. You have opened your mind to the possibility of being hurt… but also of the possibility of being happy. You can’t have one without the other,” She Noctilucent explained. “You are getting better,” Shadow Noctilucent said. “You are taking your weakness and using it to make you strong. The ultimate adaptation to life.” “I guess your probably sore about me turning Quirky down,” Noctilucent said to his shadow-self guiltily. “Why would I be sore?” Shadow Noctilucent replied, his face serious. “I had a chance to get us laid, and I pushed her away,” Noctilucent admitted. “I know I feel pretty conflicted about it.” “Bah, bugger that,” Shadow Noctilucent spat. “There is only one thing more important than getting laid, and that is protecting what is yours. You protected Quirky. And she is yours. You looked after your own better interests. You don’t abuse the future mother of your foals, you selfishly claim her as your own and then you guard her from all harm, including any that you might do to her you horseapple headed pegasus twit.” “I am confused,” Noctilucent said, looking around, trying not to look any of the passing memories in the eye. “Rutting is good. Food is good. Both of those things are good. Anything that feels good is good. And you should do those things. But there are a few things more important. Like looking after your stuff. Protecting things that are yours. Defending your territory. Being a pegasus. If you would have slipped up and slipped Quirky the bone while she was in your bed crying I would have had to kick your sorry skinny plot all over this hospital wing and thrash you to the end of your psychic endurance,” Shadow Noctilucent said. “But you are all about sex!” Noctilucent retorted. “You try to constantly manipulate and coax She Noctilucent into sex… everything is about sex to you!” “Except when it isn’t,” Shadow Noctilucent replied. “Sometimes it is about guarding future sex. We protect Quirky now, we bond with Quirky now, we get a life time of sex we don’t have to go looking for. It sleeps in the bed with us, ready for us at a moments notice,” Shadow Noctilucent explained, looking impossibly smug as he spoke. “It also looks after our foals, strokes our ego for being a good protector, and worships us for being so damn good and handsome as well.” “Ugh!” Noctilucent grunted, losing his patience with himself. “Noctilucent, really, Shadow Noctilucent is telling you what you need to hear. It isn’t always about -ahem-... sometimes, sometimes it is all about protecting what we want to -ahem- so the object of our affections will reciprocate -ahem- out of sense of obligation,” She Noctilucent explained. “So life is about manipulation?” Noctilucent asked. “Well, yes, mutual manipulation, the promised exchange of something in exchange for something else. It starts when we are foals. We behave because we hope for a reward of good behaviour. A good foal gets a cookie. A bad foal goes to bed without dinner. So we learn to manipulate all those around us to maximise rewards. We are in turn manipulated by those around us. Quirky will manipulate you so that you will look after her needs, and you will manipulate her to have your needs met, and both of you will be happy if the exchange is fair for both sides. You provide her with emotional security, she provides you with -ahem-, and both of you benefit from the exchange,” She Noctilucent stated, her tone patient and matronly. “Love is a sense of desire to maintain that these exchanges are fair, sometimes even accepting a little loss to your own end of the deal just to make sure your partner is happy and continues the mutually beneficial relationship.” “I see,” Noctilucent said, looking flummoxed. “Not yet, but you will,” She Noctilucent quipped. “Where is Little Me?” Noctilucent asked. “Oh, he’s around. Might be playing with some of the memories. I sense no danger, so I know he is safe,” She Noctilucent replied. “You are doing good Noctilucent. Be the pegasus I know you can be. Protecting Quirky took strength… and you endured. Luna is protruding into our mind, probably to give you pleasant dreams. So go enjoy them. Continue to find your inner pegasus,” Shadow Noctilucent instructed. “I’ll try,” Noctilucent promised. In the early morning hours, with Quirky gone, and Shady Patch off at school, Lethe was almost alone. A hazy image of Luna stood near Lethe, transparent, not quite a full blown manifestation, but real enough to take care of business. “The program continues to go well enough,” Luna reported. “We have some new arrivals. Some of the others are also showing worrying signs of a break. Reality in their minds is becoming distorted as they dream. We need to learn more. We cannot have another doppelganger running around. The current one is worrying, popping in and out of other ponies dreams and looking for a weak mind to force itself into.” “That is worrisome,” Lethe admitted. “How is my beloved Noctilucent?” Luna asked. Lethe sighed. “He continues to make progress… there has been a development and we need to talk,” Lethe answered. “What?” Luna questioned. “Noctilucent loves every foal in that orphanage. He is unwilling to let them go. I was worried about this. He wants to keep every single one of them. Raise them. He desires something like a therapeutic foster home environment, and this is why he has started school,” explained Lethe as she began to pace. “You were worried? This is what I had hoped for! I’ll need to talk to Holly, see what she thinks, see if she believes Noctilucent is capable of running a home, if he has the right stuff. I think he does, but Holly has so much practical experience she can share and we can figure out what Noctilucent needs to work on. Give me some time, and I will turn the orphanage into a transitional home. But for now, give Holly a message, no adoptions. We’re keeping those foals together, and we need to let them know of the change eventually. Explain to them that they are to be a family. Maybe now the little waifs can begin some real healing,” Luna said, her projection beaming broadly as she spoke. “I will do as you ask,” Lethe replied. “What is your opinion?” asked Luna. “My opinion? Noctilucent is a natural caretaker, it is a deeply ingrained part of his psychological profile. But he is also a flawed individual. A deeply flawed individual. If he goes into this alone, I worry for his ability to endure. He will break again. Noctilucent is deeply dependant as a personality. He is going to require constant reinforcement of his needs if he is to continue to function. He will require a great deal of nurturing of his internal self if he is to remain strong enough to serve. He has the potential for true greatness, but his handicap is proportional to his strength,” Lethe answered. “You speak as though you have a solution already in mind,” Luna stated. “I do… one has presented itself,” Lethe responded. “Quirky?” Luna asked. “Quirky,” Lethe returned. “She very nearly burned Noctilucent to a crisp when he told her his little secret. She became a fire elemental. She scorched him a bit, but preserved him from the worst of it. The next morning she was in his bed, begging him for sex. She isn’t well either, but she has the potential to be just what Noctilucent needs if she can be nudged along the right path.” “I see,” Luna said. “Did our innocent paladin finally get bred?” “No, he rejected her advances and tried to comfort her instead,” Lethe replied as she paced and stretched her wings. “See, I knew it, he has the makings of greatness… throwing his life away would have been a tragedy. He just had to be shown purpose, even if he didn’t want to look at first,” Luna said. “He has a long way to go Luna… a very long way to go. But you are correct. And I believe that you will be proven correct over time in a broader sense… Equestria’s strongest servants are to be found in the most unlikely places, and the Suicide Solutions Program will be a great boon to equine-kind. If we want to find ponies with the great strengths we need for social change and adjusting society to a new greater good, we are going to have to look for individuals with the greatest flaws and weaknesses. And then we are going to have to help them, whether they want that help or not, coax them through the rough places, mend them, find a way to shore up their weaknesses, and then prepare them to benefit society somehow. I fear I have become a true believer in this grand plan of yours,” Lethe admitted. “I had always believed that true believers were rather dangerous, but now I have become devoted to a cause so great that I can barely comprehend the full outcome, but I would defend it with my dying breath.” “My sister is pleased with the results. She reads Noctilucent’s progress reports with great interest and eagerly awaits for the next one to arrive. Repurposing the broken elements of society appeals to her. She had doubts about my methods at first, but she has come around, mostly due to Noctilucent and his progress. My sister wants the program to expand and is applying a lot of pressure upon me to do so,” Luna reported. “We must expand slowly and cautiously at first. We still don’t know the long term effects of using the geas on ponies in such a fragile state. Noctilucent’s psychic split is only one of the many dangers,” Lethe warned . “I agree, and have told my sister much the same. But she is the eternal optimist, and she wants our ponies to get better… all of them, but especially those that hurt and suffer so much that it drives them to suicide. It causes her so much pain to watch her subjects stumble and fall in such a way. I think it reminds her of how I fell… I tried asking her about it, but she started to cry and fled from me,” Luna said. “You know, there is another opportunity being presented to us here,” Lethe hinted. “With these foals growing up in a therapeutic environment, we can turn this foster home into a school as well… Graves and Cactus Blossom both have the potential to grow up and become great psychologists. Graves has a keen analytical mind and he understands pain. Cactus Blossom has her odd new psychic sense. Both come from unique backgrounds that would allow them to do so much good for others. They have hoof on experience with some of life’s most damaging hurts. We could shape their futures and do so much good.” “Intriguing,” Luna replied. “I would be willing to offer my services Luna… as a live in caretaker and instructor. You are going to need somepony with a psychology background anyway if you want this therapeutic foster home to work. Luna, we stand on the cusp of a great work that could benefit society in ways we can scarcely even imagine. The Suicide Solutions Program is only the beginning. It was a good start. But watching Noctilucent take so readily assisting others, it has given me visions of what the future might be. It has made me dream. To see one so weak take such bold steps when the right nurturing environment was presented to encourage them… Luna, we could do great things,” Lethe stated. “I know Lethe. This is why we have dreams. We have much work to do,” Luna replied. “I have a list of tasks I need you to take care of for me before I arrive…”