“What do you mean you’re going to be late!?”
“Wait, did you not catch me? Do I have to repeat what I just said?”
Luna sighed with a growl in her voice. “Not in the mood for games right now, Deadpool.”
“Ooh, so the previous question was supposed to be like twenty questions, huh?” Deadpool asked on the other end of the receiver. “If that’s the case, is it bigger than a breadbox?”
“No—what—forget it.” Luna glanced over her shoulder. Celestia was sitting at their table in the packed restaurant, already on her second wine glass as she half-listened to Twilight prattle on about her new princess duties back in Ponyville. If Celestia’s head could drop any lower, it’d practically fall right off her neck. “Listen, how late are you going to be?”
“Well, Solaire and I are time traveling right now, so the exact time will of course be a little iffy,” Deadpool explained. “We might be five minutes or five million years, give or take a couple of seconds.”
“Not good enough, Deadpool. I want this Jack Harkness guy here now!”
“Well, you have to understand, he isn’t an easy guy to find. At any time he could be anywhere in time! You can’t even find this guy’s number in the phone book!”
Luna sighed again for the second time in less than a minute. “Then how exactly do you intend to find him?”
“Oh, don’t worry, I have the perfect plan! Which might also result in me dying. Solaire I’m not too sure about since he’s already dead. Could an undead guy get deader?” There was a brief pause on the other line, followed by a muffled shout: “Hey, Solaire, can you get any deader?”
“Deadpool, cut it out, and get the Captain here on the double. Is that understood?”
“Wait, you guys want Captain Crunch? I mean, it’s a good cereal and all, but it’s nothing compared to Lucky Charms, or even Fru—”
“Oh, just forget it!” Luna snapped, disconnecting the call on her phone.
She returned to the table where the other princesses were seated, slinking into her chair with an expression quite similar to Celestia’s. Tiredness and bitterness mixed into a deadly combination of apathy for nearly everything around them.
Twilight was now in the center of two great forces of indifference, which was threatening to crush her between them. Tapping her hooves together while overlooking her menu, she muttered, “S-so… you guys interested in anything?”
“More wine,” both princesses spoke.
Gulping, Twilight, scratched at the back of her mane. “Boy, I sure can’t wait for our dates to get here. I’m sure we’re going to have a wonderful time, right?”
Celestia merely snorted while Luna rolled her eyes.
Fumbling for anything to stick to, Twilight’s gaze drifted to Luna. Twilight briefly coughed, then smiled to her fellow princess. “So, Luna, when do you think the boys will be arriving?”
“I’m not too sure,” Luna said, filling up her wine glass to the brim, “but I’m willing to put five bits on the chance they’ll make a grand entrance through the front doors.”
“I got five bits on the ceiling,” Celestia said, finishing off the rest of her glass and then sighing in relief when she was done. “It’s always the ceiling.”
“So, fellow warrior of the sun, what is the plan now?” Solaire asked.
Deadpool kicked his feet up on the table and stretched out in his seat. He was decked out head to toe in a business suit, completely clashing for his usual brightly colored spandex tights, although he continued to wear his infamous mask.
“The plan, my zombified compadre, is to wait,” he replied.
Solaire adjusted his bowtie, his only formal attire since he still chose to wear his armor and tattered tunic. “But wait for what? Waiting only leads to death in my world.”
“Well, we already know Captain Jack Harkness is a hard person to find, right?” Deadpool asked, Solaire nodding in response. “The only information I could gather about him from his profile page was that he worked for some Torchwood establishment. Basically the British version of Men in Black.”
“What is this Men in Black you speak of?” Solaire asked.
Deadpool sipped at his tea cup, ignoring the strange looks him and Solaire received in the cafe. “Only one of the best movies ever! Well, the third movie was kind of iffy for me, but the trilogy altogether was pretty solid.”
Solaire snapped his fingers, nodding his armored head. “Ooh, ooh, is this one of those picturebox entertainment shows Mistress Luna has in her room? Why, I remember the last time I was watching that, I witnessed such amazing wonders. Such as this one show that included warring house families, political turmoil, and even dragons!” Tapping his chin—actually, just his helmet, since it was the best thing next to it—Solaire shrugged. “Although, in my opinion, the complaints warranted by Mistress Luna over the numerous character deaths were completely unjust. In fact, there should have been more!”
“Remind me to never let you Netflix binge again.” Deadpool checked over his shoulder for the fifth time in the space of two seconds. “Anyway, this Torchwood place in the premiere alien hunting institution in all of Britain. Which means, of course, if something extraterrestrial does happen, they’ll be on top of it. Along with sending their top agent, Mister Captain himself, to check it out.”
“Wait a moment. We aren’t aliens. What reason would the Captain have to try and find us?” Solaire asked.
“Oh, don’t worry, I gave him a good enough reason to drop on by to this cafe exactly.” Deadpool sipped the rest of his tea through his mask, all while pointing his pinkie finger up in the proper manner. Once done with that, he checked his watch and tapped the face, where Mickey Mouse’s hands reached close to four o’clock on the dot. “In fact, he should be arriving any second now...”
A figure flung open the doors of the cafe in one swift push and quickly walked in his, eyes scanning the entire perimeter of the coffee establishment. His eyes soon locked in on Solaire and Deadpool, the only two and by far strangest anomalies in the room. He was soon walking over to the pair, his eyes locked on to them with determination driving each of his steps.
Upon closer inspection, Captain Jack Harkness struck an imposing yet altogether welcoming figure. His face was the very definition of handsome, his cheeks smooth, jaw line stoic, his chin seeming to be chiseled by the gods themselves, and his hair spiked yet without any use of a hair product whatsoever. He wore a dark grey, knee length coat with dark suit pants and an even darker shirt, with his suspenders proudly on display. Stopping at their table, Harkness eyed Deadpool then Solaire, then Deadpool again, licking his lips as he stared each one of them down.
“Okay, gentlemen, which one of you left a disembodied, unidentified alien head on the front of the Queen of England’s doorstep asking me to meet you at this location at this specific time without any backup using the alien’s blood?” Harkness asked, hooking his thumbs into his suspenders with his palms flat on his sides.
Deadpool tipped his fedora. “Toodaloo!” he called out. “Although I clearly left my signature there.”
“It was kind of difficult to make out with all the blood and all,” Harkness explained.
“Well, you got to hand it to those Skrulls, they sure are bleeders. Now like you have to worry about them in your universe, of course… probably.” Deadpool kicked out the third chair at the table and nodded for Harkness to sit. “Anyway, my name is Deadpool, and my associate is known as Solaire.”
“An honor to meet a Captain such yourself, Mister Harkness,” Solaire greeted him in his usual cheery tone.
Harkness slowly slid into his seat, still on edge as he continued to glance back and forth between the two of them. “Well, this certainly isn’t the strangest introduction I’ve ever had. Though it definitely concerns me you know my name.”
“Not like you’re very lenient about handing it out,” Deadpool reminded him.
Harkness frowned, then shrugged and relaxed further into his seat. “Alright then. So, Deadpool, you mind explaining why exactly you nearly gave the Queen a heart attack just to get a visit from me? Not that I’m not honored, of course, but such extremes usually indicates this type of meeting won’t end nicely for either of us, least of all yourself.”
“Oh, Deadpool meant no harm by it, except for the alien, of course,” Solaire said. “We merely wanted to meet with you to get you to agree to go on a date.”
“Well, you certainly have the knight in shining armor vibe,” Harkness said, a smug smirk on his cheeks and glint in his blue eyes. “So, I’m guessing you’re here to sweep me off my feet? I should warn you, horseback riding gives me awful motion sickness. Well, only one type, anyway.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Mister I’ll-Hump-Anything-That-Walks,” Deadpool said, raising his hands. Pointing a finger at Solaire and leaning to Harkness with a hand cupped over his ear, Deadpool whispered, “Solaire the sunshine knighty over here is undead. Although, if necrophilia is your kink, by all means go for it while wearing proper protection.”
Harkness tilted his head and gave Solaire a once over. “Strange. He doesn’t have that zombified look on him. Or the smell.”
“My type of undeath is different than what you might expect,” Solaire explained. “I merely died and was resurrected, which means I cannot die again by normal means. Unless, of course, someone was to throw off the side of a mountain or something. Eventually I’ll probably become hollow if I do not find my sun, and thus turn insane and lose what little remaining free will I possess.”
“Ain’t he a hoot at parties?” Deadpool jeered.
Turning from Solaire to Deadpool, Harkness arched his brow. “Ah, so it’s you who went to such lengths to acquire a date from your’s truly. Not that I don’t appreciate the morbid enthusiasm, of course.”
“Nah, it’s not me either.” Deadpool whispered under his breath, “And truthfully, you’re not my type. I like my men huge, muscular, and about sixty-percent composed of cybernetics and guns.”
Harkness clapped his hands together and shrugged his shoulders. “Well then, gentlemen, if it’s not you two that called me on a date, who is it?”
“The person in question would be none other than Princess Celestia of Equestria herself!” Solaire proclaimed.
Harkness snapped his fingers and nodded rapidly. “Oh yeah! Princess Celestia of Equestria! How could I forget?” Harkness stopped nodding, and then pouted and frowned as he stared at the table. “Wait, yeah, I did forget. Who exactly is this princess again?”
“Wait, you seriously don’t remember signing up for a dating site for immortal beings and agreeing to go out on a date with a princess only for it to be stolen by an actual pirate who turned out to not even be immortal?” Deadpool asked. “Damn, and I thought my memory was spotty.”
Harkness held up a finger and said, “I only understand about half of the things you said, mainly pertaining to the dating website. If that thing is legit, then sign me up for it on the double!”
“But how could you forget about Princess Celestia already?” Solaire asked, rising from his seat with his hand on the handle of his sword. “That is an outrage of the worst variety to be so callous to the Sun Goddess!”
“Whoa, whoa, easy there, pal, I don’t want to make you any deader than you already are,” Harkness said, holding up his hands. “At any given time there’s about three to four Jack Harknesses running around on Earth, and in the future maybe even more. The Harkness who signed up on the site could have been a future version of me for all we know.”
“Damn, I knew time traveling would be tricky!” Deadpool cursed, slamming his hand on the table. He pulled out a book from inside his coat and threw it over his shoulder. “Time Travel For Dummies my ass! Almost as useless as that guide on how to avoid time paradoxes that can rip the universe in two! As if I’d be able to fuck my own father to produce myself!” Deadpool remained silent for a few seconds, then muttered, “Wait…”
“Hey now, fellas, just because I said I never heard of this princess, doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out with her.” His cocky grin revealed itself from between his lips, absolutely sparkling. “Leaving a lady in need is not something Captain Jack Harkness does. Just point me the direction and era, and I’ll be sure to leave her royally amused for an evening she’ll never forget.”
“Actually, we’ll be accompanying you,” Solaire said, tapping his bowtie. “We’re all going out on a triple date, all with princesses as well, I might add. It shall be a riveting experience of jolly co-operation!”
“Ooh, an orgy! You’re reading my mind, handsome,” Harkness said with a wink.
“What’s an orgy?”
“I’ll explain and show you some videos later. But first, the date!” Deadpool said, hopping out of his seat and over the table. “We’re late as it is, and we wait up any longer I am pretty sure I’m going to get the cold shoulder for most of the night. Or Luna could just cast a freeze spell over me. Either one.”
“Well, I have literally all the time in the world to kill. Let’s get to it,” Harkness agreed, getting up and following Deadpool out the cafe.
Deadpool allowed Harkness to exit the cafe first, but stopped when Solaire laid a hand on his shoulder. “Deadpool, if I may be so prudent, why exactly did you help Celestia get on a date with this Captain character?” Solaire asked. “Is she still not the object of your affection?”
Deadpool brushed Solaire’s hand off his shoulder and grinned visibly underneath his mask. “Oh, don’t worry, hooking up with Celestia is still on my mind. After this date, I can assure you, she will be mine! There are no rules in love and war, my friend, so the option to use mustard gas is always on the table.”
As Deadpool caught up to Harkness’ side, Solaire shrugged, walking briskly to the pair. “Well, time to see if I really can get any deader after all.”