“Dragon!” Heimskr cried out again as he stood rigid on his wooden stage, looking down at Spike wide-eyed.
Surrounding Ponyvillians were staring at the Nord as if he were the town idiot, which wasn’t too far from the truth. Spike, meanwhile stood and gawked at Heimskr awkwardly.
“Is it something I said?” Spike asked. “You’re uh, kinda making me a bit uncomfortable here…”
“Stay away, beast! You won’t make a dinner of me!” Heimskr retorted.
Growing bored, Heimskr’s hired help decided to beat it. The donkeys packed up their stuff and trotted over to the town’s only train station nearby, where a Thomas the Tank Engine had just arrived.
“Oh, c’mon! I eat gems,” Spike said, starting to grow offended. He huffed, crossed his arms, and cleared his throat. “Look, I have a friend here in town you might be interested in meeting. I know she’ll be interested in meeting you, that’s for sure. Plus, you still haven’t answered my questions; you were answering the other guys’ questions! Why don’t we just calm down and go meet her, what’s the harm?”
Heimskr wasn’t the sharpest, but even he could recall that a typical fierce dragon of legend was never this talkative. Come to think of it, they were always described as adults, as well. This one didn’t even have his wings.
“Uhh…alright,” Heimskr ventured. “Lead the way, dragon. But I’m watching you, in case you’re a Thalmor agent in disguise…”
Spike rolled his eyes and signaled Heimskr to follow, and so the duo proceeded towards Golden Oak Library. The crowd the Nord had assembled murmured to themselves for a few moments, and then got back to their daily business of being mundane villagers with repetitive things to say.
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Level 4: What are loading screens even doing here?
In the town library, also the renowned residence of Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn herself happened to be in the middle of spending some quality time with Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie had brought something in from the market place she had purchased to show Twilight. The merchant had been an Akaviri Ka’Po’Tun who preferred to hide their features under a shady-looking set of robes, and the fine gem she had sold to Pinkie Pie looked even more questionable. This was all the more obvious when Pinkie had managed to drive Twilight bonkers enough to get her to hit it with a spell to see if it would do anything.
As it turns out, it did do something.
“Another, who seeks death!” a Dremora Valkynaz roared, appearing on Twilight’s coffee table. Cups of tea spilled as the Daedra jumped off and approached them with his claymore brandished, glaring with fiery eyes. “You’re pink and violet coats will make fine trophies, you foolish mortals!”
“Dammit Pinkie, what did I tell you last time about bringing in foreign magical artifacts!” Twilight shouted, as she forcefully banished the Dremora back to Oblivion.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. Really, I am, I just couldn't resist. The gem was soooo shiny that I just had to see what would happen!”
“That was a soul gem, Pinkie. Soul gems are not toys! What if that had accidentally summoned King Sombra, a Macho Dragon, or a generation thre…”
Twilight was interrupted as the pair heard the front door open, and Spike’s talon feet padding on the wooden floor. “Twilight, we have…sort of a guest,” he said. Twilight smiled expectantly, but Pinkie Pie shot forward before Twilight could say anything.
“Well what are you waiting for, silly? Let our ‘sortovaguest’ in so we can meet em’!” Pinkie Pie urged, grinning.
“Alright,” Spike replied. He leaned outside. “Psst! Heimskr, come on in. No, there aren’t any ‘Thalmor agents’ in Twilight’s place.”
“On your word, dragon.” Heimskr replied warily, taking slow steps into the Library. When he saw Pinkie Pie’s grinning form in his face first, he recoiled in surprise. “Oh, hello there pony. You uh, you nearly startled me, there.”
“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!”
“Hail, pink one. I’m Heimskr, son of Skyrim, and anointed Priest of Talos!” Heimskr’s tone of voice began to rise to match Pinkie Pie’s
“You’re a priest?” Twilight inquired, as Pinkie Pie backed away from the Nord to give her room to see him. “Hello there, Twilight Sparkle, former student of Princess Celestia at your service.” Twilight held out her hoof to the Nord, and the two shook while she continued. “I think Pinkie Pie mentioned a strange foreigner or some sort was drawing a crowd; I take it that was you?”
Heimskr nodded. “Aye, that I am, and that I did. It’s a pleasure to make you’re acquaintance. What do you do for a living around here, Twilight Sparkle?” the priest asked, looking around at all the books, and then the windows. “Have you seen any tall golden skinned Elves in black robes, of late?”
“No…” Twilight answered, a bit puzzled. “But if it isn’t obvious, I’m the town’s librarian, among other things. Now, let’s hear some more about you, if you don’t mind. I’m sure Spike didn’t just drag you in here for no reason.”
“This guy’s from Tamriel, Twilight. He must have crossed half the world to get here!” Spike exclaimed. “You should have heard some of the stuff he described in his rant out in the market place. Dragons, gods, heroes, emperors, foreign magic, a whole load of awesome stuff!”
“It was a sermon about the noble and holy story of Talos!” Heimskr complained.
“Yeah, the story of holy Tacos, or whatever. So, why don’t you tell us everything you were saying to the crowd?” Spike said. For his part, Spike just wanted to learn more about Tamriel’s dragons.
“Spike, no need to be rude!” Twilight scolded. “If we’re going to suck the information about this guy’s homeland from him like a group of vampires, we might as well be polite about it,” she turned to Heimskr. “My apologies, Mr. Heimskr. Would you like something to drink?”
“Do you have any of that glorious Equestrian coffee?” the Nord replied instantly, using his preaching voice again for no apparent reason.
“Oh, sorry. I drank the last of ours this morning.” Twilight said apologetically.
“Don’t worry, I can get more from Sugar Cube Corner!” Pinkie Pie declared. The earth pony split into two identical duplicates of herself. One remained in place, while the other dashed through the front door and out into the street. Heimskr looked from the door, to the other Pinkie Pie, and then to Twilight, absolutely confused.
“How…?”
“Do not question the Pinkie Pie,” Pinkie Pie declared, speaking in a strange accent. “Pinkie Pie has her methods.”
“Would you like a seat, Heimskr?” Twilight asked, as the other Pinkie Pie inexplicably returned with some coffee.
Heimskr nodded and took a seat on a sofa while Pinkie Pie grinned and poured him a hot cup. The two earth ponies then merged back together, and the resulting original Pinkie Pie started at the others as if nothing interesting had just transpired.
“Well uh, right. Heimskr, welcome to Ponyville. So, you obviously managed to catch Spike’s curiosity immensely. Why don’t you tell us your story, then. I’m dying to learn more about where you’re from!”
And so the priest of Talos gave the entire account of his journey, from Whiterun, to Baltimare, then Ponyville, and everything in between. Twilight an Spike listened attentively while Pinkie Pie grinned the entire time.
When Heimskr finished his story, Twilight burst out laughing. Spike frowned at her, and Pinkie Pie was still grinning.
Heimskr rose up, offended. “You mock me unicorn, but you do not know what I know! Talos has anointed me on a holy mission here in Equestria!”
“Pinkie Pie, one of us has to go and tell the girls, Celestia, somepony!” she fell onto the floor laughing, and spoke in between giggling fits. “This is just priceless. I’m sorry, sorry! I tried to be academic, but I just can’t take anything you say seriously after hearing all of that.”
“Twilight! What were you just saying about rudeness a while ago?” Spike said. “I for one found the description of dragons in Skyrim quite riveting.”
“Spike, c’mon. You have to admit that everything after the cross dressing jarl only went downhill from there,” Twilight replied.
A teleportation spell suddenly opened up in the room, then the Princesses and Pinkie Pie and Twilight’s friends emerged, all looking curious. “Celestia? How did you guys know I was about to contact you? How did you get…”
Princess Luna held up a hoof. “Tia has her methods.”
Heimskr turned to the alicorns. “Are you two the Princesses of Equestria?” When they nodded, the Nord bowed. “Greetings, your highnesses! This priest of Talos humbly requests your permission to freely spread the message of the Nine Divines through your kingdom!”
Celestia regarded him thoughtfully. “Nine Divines, you say? What might that message be?”
“Here comes round two,” Pinkie Pie murmured excitedly, now next to Applejack. AJ glanced at her with a puzzled expression.
“Oh no, I can’t take it again!” Twilight exclaimed, breaking out into chuckles.
While the Princesses and the others listened, Heimskr repeated his sermons and the story of his travels to them. By the end, Twilight and all the girls were cracking up like lunatics at the absurdity of it, even Fluttershy. Celestia and Luna however were unfazed, having dealt with Discord and other’s far more surreal shenanigans at some time or another for several centuries running.
In the end, Princess Celestia decided to invite the Nord over to Canterlot to discuss his request over tea and cake. For some reason, Twilight and all the others somehow had nothing better to do for the day and wanted to go, so they all made their way to Canterlot, too.
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Level 4: Luna is Love. Luna is Life.
Unbeknownst to most of the inhabitants of Canterlot Castle, a rather bizarre get-together was occurring on an ordinarily deserted balcony in one of the castle’s highest towers. Discord, Sombra and M'aiq the Liar were sitting at a table across from one another, exchanging small talk and sipping tea as a pack of sweet roll trolls and some goats kept the guards distracted elsewhere in the tower.
“Gentleman, did I ever mention how much chaos brings fulfillment into one’s life?” Discord mused.
“Yes, Discord, for the thousandth time,” M’aiq replied, turning to watch a distant storm front rain down train locomotives on the unsuspecting locals while the supervising weather team flew around nearby, so drunk that they were flying sideways.
“I do know why, though. It’s quite obvious to us immortals,” Discord said, making the plate of cookies next to him eat itself. “Equestria is quite the canvas for painting scenes of a most chaotic and humorous nature. I speak only from experience, of course!”
“What did I say about hogging all those cookies, Discord!” Tirek croaked, appearing at the doorway in his weakest of forms. He was still slightly intimidating, if the floral print baking apron he wore around his bony chest wasn’t taken into consideration. “I didn’t just make them all for you, Draconequus! Baking that first plate alone was difficult with so many ingredients missing from the Princesses’ kitchen! If they catch me in the pantry unsupervised, they’ll throw me back in Tartarus!”
“This one is under the impression that at least one of the Princesses may be responsible for at least some of the sweeter ingredients’ ‘mysterious’ disappearances,” M’aiq hypothesized.
“Poor, sweet Celestia. One day all of that sugar just might go straight to her regal head.” Sombra said with a laugh. “Or perhaps her thighs.”
“The thighs.” Discord agreed, chuckling.
“That’s right.” Tirek interjected. “They go right to the thighs, and then you blow up. I saw it myself; it happened to that witch named Sonambula back home a couple centuries ago.”
All of them save for M’aiq burst into chuckling fits. The Khajiit instead spit out a sip of tea when he noticed something strange. “Shh, shh! Beware, M’aiq thinks he sees Altmer wizards from Tamriel lurking about the castle below!” His ears were flattened against his head. “I don’t think the ponies are aware of them, yet.”
Sure enough, a whole platoon of ominous black robed Altmer was skulking about the parapets and turrets of the castle.
Discord sputtered in annoyance. “What are those Dominion pointy-eared snobs doing here in Equestria? You’d think they know well enough to keep to their own continent where they belong!”
“The Thalmor are like me,” Tirek said. “They desire power wherever they can seek it out.”
“But oh, are they ever so boring! The only entertainment value they had was when they pitted the Tamrielic Empire against itself. Stormcloaks? I think they’re starting to get rather…uncreative.” Sombra’s voice went low. “I have an intense dislike for the boring uncreative types.”
“M’aiq does not wish for the Thalmor to find him.” M’aiq the Liar donned a wooden bucket over his head. “Khajiit has delivered your messages to the Nord priest under false pretenses as you asked, Lord Sheggorath.”
“Aye, that you did.” Sheogorath’s voice replied, seemingly from everywhere at once. “Unfortunately it would seem our bout of fun with that whole shenanigan has worn thin, if it’s attracted the attention of the whole darned Aldmeri Dominion. The Dominion means Tamriel. Tamriel means Skyrim, and that particular Dragonborn. Can ya guess what the Dragonborn means?”
“Talos” Sombra groaned. “Don’t tell me this means that big shot is coming here. A god like him has no more appreciation for chaos or tyrannical rule than Celestia does.”
“Nahl Dal Vus!” A powerful voice suddenly rang out, shaking the tower slightly.
“Oh, phooey!” Discord muttered. “He is here.”
Tirek huffed in frustration. “I barely brewed enough tea for five.”
On the balcony railing, a tall goateed man appeared in a crackle of magical energy. His body had a glowing golden aura, and his exquisite chainmail and winged helmet both shimmered in the sunlight. Had any common mortal seen him then, they would have surely gone blind temporarily. The god Talos peered down at the four and regarded them, an eyebrow raised.
“Well, well, if it isn't Tiber Septim in the flesh,” Tirek greeted, genuinely surprised.
“By the Divines!” M’aiq whispered in fear and astonishment. “Tiber Septim is a Divine!” His head disappeared under the bucket once more.
“What’s the God of War and Governance doing all the way down here on Nirn, and Equestria, of all places?” Discord said unenthusiastically.
“Good afternoon, Aedra.” Sombra greeted, betraying no emotion.
Talos regally raised his hand to greet Tirek and Sombra, then turned his head slowly to look at Discord and a cowering M’aiq. The Draconequus grinned and gave him a short wave. Talos’ brow raised even higher, and he declared, “I think you know full well why the Eight have elected me to venture here.”
The Divine’s voice flowed like music and rumbled like a thunderclap all at once, a mere glimpse into the true power of his holy Thu’um. “It would be unseemly for Equestria to be dragged into the usurping plots of the Third Dominion.”
“I agree, those elven busy-bodies wouldn't be able to truly appreciate Equestria for what it is.” Discord declared.
“Greetings from the Shivering Isles, Talos!” Sheogorath’s voice declared amiably. “My apologies for this whole inconvenience. I’m right bloody honored that an Aedra himself had to arrive in person to solve a shenanigan o’mine. Really, it does bring tears to my delicate Daedric eyes!”
“What’s done is done,” Talos replied, accepting a cup of tea that Tirek had offered him. The cup turned to gold and fell to the table as the Divine finished the drink in one sip. “Should the magic of both Equestria and Tamriel be rendered servant to the Thalmor, they could endanger the very fabric of the mortal plane itself. Clearly one of my priests the Prince of Madness misdirected has lead them here, to the land where Masser cannot be seen at dusk; I must now intervene on behalf of Aetherius. Who can lead me to Celestia and Luna, we must have dialogue with haste, for I cannot linger long. See how my very Voice distorts the realm!”
The others looked as Talos finished his monologue. Indeed, the air was beginning to warp around him, like a wet oil painting that had been left in a bucket of water. Already the marble floor beneath him was starting to turn into Moonstone and Aetherium from prolonged contact with his boots.
“I would suppose the Princesses shall lead us to them,” Discord said, getting up from his seat and walking next to Talos. The Aedra’s divine aura had no effect on him. “Well, Sombra, Tirek, M’aiq, my eyes tell me it was a pleasure for them to see you again. Adieu, gentleman.”
The trio waved them off, then turned towards each other as Talos and Discord disappeared through the doorway.
“Fifty bits wagers that either Dibella or Nightmare Moon has tried chasing after that at least once or twice.” Tirek suggested in a conspiratorial voice, before erupting into a fit of coughing and sickly chuckles. “Oh woe is me, I’ve let myself go in Tartarus.”
Sombra and M’aiq shook their heads disapprovingly.
“What? I was just making conversation.”
“Kynareth would have a better shot with him.” Sombra declared, before taking his leave and turning into a magical cloud. “Until next time.”
M’aiq the Liar said his goodbyes as well as he sprinted off the balcony and out over the horizon. Tirek sighed and used what little magic he had to summon his ride back to the nearest hideout, a tattered flying carpet he had purchased in Saddle Arabia on his and Scorpan’s way to Equestria.
As the centaur flew away from the capital, he insulted the intruding Thalmor’s maternal ancestors on the castle walls, then promptly zoomed off over the mountains. The Altmer could only gawk and glare at him as he had done so.
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Level 4: Thalmor are dicks to men and beast folk alike, with ponies being no exception. When encountering one in combat, be sure to have lots of friendship in your heart and a good ward tome. A Twilight Sparkle or friendly Flutterdragon may be invaluable, as well.
“So, you would like permission to preach to our subjects on the foreign gods of Tamriel, then?” Luna inquired.
Luna, Celestia, and Heimskr were gathered at Celestia’s throne. While Rarity terrorized the aristocrats and merchants in the city and Pinkie Pie terrorized everyone else by various means; the others attempted to keep them in check, so it was just the Princesses, their guards, and one annoying priest present in the throne room.
A smell of something sweet and delicious was wafting in from the main royal kitchen a few corridors away, although some of it was actually the fumes from Prince Blueblood’s illegal secret lab in a hidden study, where orphans were paid two pence bits and a pack of crayons monthly to brew Nordic Crack and cheap Flim-Flam Brothers cider.
The fumes made the Nord’s eyes water as he replied. “Yes. Like I said, holy Talos has appointed me to spread word of his feats and the light of the Nine Divines to Equestria. Since there is no official presence of any clergy here, I figured coming to you would be the first true step in fulfilling my holy mission!”
“Well, Heimskr, perhaps we could be of help.” Celestia said with a smile. “First, a few questions, though if you don’t mind.”
“Aye.”
“Does the religion that worships these nine gods forbid the worship or practice of others?”
“No. In fact, the milk-drinking empire has a clear-cut policy enforcing free religion. However, who wouldn’t pay righteous homage to Talos and the Eight if they have the ability? In Tamriel, this is second nature.”
“Very good,” Luna interjected. “Now, does any scripture contradict the values of harmony and friendship between people in general?”
“No, quite the opposite, Your Highnesses. We Nords, for instance, value brotherhood and harmony among kin as much as we do fighting, singing, and drinking. That much can’t be said for those gods-forsaken Thalmor. Talos curse them all to Oblivion!”
“Fair…enough,” Luna replied, remaining expressionless.
“Indeed,” Celestia declared. “That will do, you have our blessing to wander about discussing Talos with citizens, and do what you will, but first know this.” The alicorn arose from her throne, looking stern. “Do not break any posted law of the kingdom, or do anything that may interfere with the long-term harmony of this land or its ponies. And, don’t ever give sermons within our earshot. You’re voice right now is giving me a headache, to be honest.”
Heimskr was about to thank both of them, but then something interrupted him. Thalmor burst into the throne room from every visible doorway, glaring and with destruction spells at the ready.
“I’m afraid our friend here has already given his final sermon quite a while ago, for his time is now up!” one of the Altmer declared with a sneer. He looked from Celestia and Luna, who were tensed up, to Heimskr. “Did you really suppose distance would stop us from rooting out your Talos worship, filthy Nord? The Aldmeri Dominion is everywhere. Now kindly come with us.”
Princess Luna sighed. “Guards!”
“Yes, Your Highness?” the closest Royal Guard replied, as tensed as she was.
“Are you still busy dealing with those mutant trolls up near the observatory?”
“I’m afraid so, my liege.”
“Figures, what with the darn security around here. Sister, it looks as if we’ll be dealing with this lot, then,” Luna declared, charging her horn.
Celestia was reluctant to resort to combat, but she charged her horn as well. “It appears so, Luna.”
Heimskr drew his dagger and readied a flame spell. “Talos, lend us your strength!”
The Thalmor wizards laughed at him. “Tiber Septim was just a man, long dead and buried. There is no Divine watching over you, Nord. For you see, the Eight have ordained that Mer will rule the world. This is your final opportunity to come quietly.” One of them snapped, then he glared at the alicorns. “And this is your final chance to surrender the human!”
“The Eight ordained no such thing.” A powerful voice declared, confidently and calmly. All necks turned to look at the source.
Talos and Discord strode into the throne room, the latter grinning at the reactions of the Thalmor as they made way for them.
When the demanding Thalmor witnessed the disputed Aedra himself walking towards the throne in all his holy glory, the High Elf’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. Heimskr was already bowing and speechless at the sight of the very deity he rambled on about day after day.
When Talos stopped and looked at the commander of the Thalmor, the Altmer could only muster a few eloquent words. “Talos? Oh crap….we were wrong.” He smiled sheepishly. “Well, isn’t this a bit awkward….”
“Liz.”
The Thu’um of Talos reduced every one of the Thalmor into glorified ice sculptures. In doing so, the space around the god began to warp with an even more noticeable intensity. Quickly, the Divine turned and looked at Celestia, who stood surprised near her throne.
“Praise Talos!” Heimskr cried.
“You’re the Talos?” Celestia asked, flabbergasted that one of the priest’s gods they had just discussed a minute ago had now appeared at her castle in a divine manifestation without any prior warning.
“Yes, Sun Princess.” Talos replied with urgency. As the air carried his voice out over Canterlot, its sound made everything within the city twenty percent more awesome, except for Prince Blueblood, whose closets and wardrobes of expensive tuxedos suddenly caught fire in his house.
“My time grows critically short. Mind not the priest, he’s just annoying, such is the way of some mortals. Should Thalmor or any being from Oblivion ever jeopardize your land, take the liberty of contacting the Empire of Tamriel. I fear it may be faded from the glory days in which I had forged it, but brave figures exist whom possess potential to make her whole again. Perhaps you and your sibling are among them?”
“Perhaps, time will tell.” Celestia pondered. “Where should we venture if such an occurrence takes place?”
“In the heart of Tamriel, Cyrodiil, to the Tower of White Gold. I return now to Aetherius, with haste.” As his golden form began to fade away into the air, Heimskr caught his attention.
“Your Holiness, wait!”
“Yes, priest?”
“What shall I do now?”
“Troll the wicked of the land, return to Whiterun, wander across Nirn; do what you will.”
“Praise Talos!” the Nord cried.
“Before you go, you Nine Divines are kind of awesome when you guys actually decide to do something!” Rainbow Dash shouted. She and the others had appeared just before the Thalmor were turned to ice.
“We know,” Talos replied with a knowing smile, before vanishing entirely.
Celestia and Luna sighed with relief that the whole Thalmor confrontation was over, and that the god had finally returned to Aetherius; half of the royal carpeting had been turned into precious metals and exquisite silver weapons from his footsteps alone.
“Discord,” Celestia called out.
“Yes?” Discord answered, yawning.
“Send these wizards to Tartarus please, before they thaw. Luna, could you please look into what Talos said and try to get in contact with the Empire?”
“Yes. What should we tell them, sister?” Luna asked.
“Tell them that the ‘knife ears’ have intruded on our land, and Equestria will be taking action, soon. They’ll know what you mean.” Celestia turned to Heimskr. He was smirking under his orange priest’s hood as the frozen Thalmor were hauled away by a posse of Spy Crabs that Discord had summoned. “Heimskr? I have a suggestion where you could begin teaching about the Divines.”
The Nord beamed. “My gratitude, Your Highness! What is this place?”
Celestia looked at Luna, and winked. “A place called the Badlands. Seek out someone named Chrysalis; I’m sure she’d be more than delighted to talk with you.”
While everyone was watching the Thalmor being banished to Tartarus, a Bosmer suddenly sprinted into the throne room and caught Rainbow Dash’s attention.
“By Azura, by Azura, by Azura! It’s the fastest flier in Equestria!” he shouted.