"Master."
"Hmm hmm, Hello, ladies. Yes, I am indeed Nicholas Cage, and, yes, batteries are included. It says so on my box, beside '3 and up'."
"Master, please wake up."
"Hmmmna hmmna, where do you like your batteries, hmm? These even have tinker bells on, oh yeah."
"Initiating rapid wakening sequence. Master, look, 1000 very hot, curvaceous, bouncy, round, sexy members of the female race wearing very thin see-through bubble-wrap and nothing else are waiting for you."
"About time!" I rose up from bed faster than a fresh condom on a Saturday night, my brain on heat-seeker mode. Hey, you can't blame me. I have never gone this long without porn before. Or, at least, proper decent porn that does not involve pastel-coloured mares trying to talk dirty to me. Or throwing little homing pony figurines at me. Or both.
What greeted me looked more like 1000 very bouncy and round beach balls on legs. They all looked like a certain most loyal number one assistant too, except smaller, bouncier, made less sense and came in colour varieties that would put dildos to shame. I swear I saw a pistachio green one. Want.
And as if that wasn't confusing enough, they also wore what looked like paper origami boats of every possible colour on their heads. Each hat bore an Equine number, everything from '3' to '44/44' to a lot of random Equine script which I later found out read 'I lost count at around 213'.
They were all milling about the room, climbing over each other. I thought nothing would ever be able to make this massive room looked cramped. These little skittles had achieved that and then some. Made me wonder, did the number 2 and above assistants finally turn up? Or...oh, oh me, no. Please don't tell me...
"So... your horn really was a magic foalie button." I muttered weakly. "Excuse me, sorry, got off at the wrong nightmare." I promptly hit my pillow once more. "Wake me up when we reach boob city central."
"Master, get up this minute or I shall teach you the etymology of the word 'Nightmare' firsthoof." Crystal Heart threatened.
"You know..." I begin, in as calm a manner as I could muster, "Proper threatening is supposed to be done before it is carried out." I point out to the cerulean blue mare lying on top of me threatening to crush me under 60 pounds of adorable impassivity. "Not, in fact, when you are already trying to smother me under all manner of pink and glitter.”
"What makes you think I've carried out the threat?" Crystal Heart's deep blue eyes stared into my soul, as if daring me to risk its sanctity.
"Good point. I'm awake." I declared. “Very, very awake.”
"Tch." She clicked her tongue as if regretting something. "You can put that away, MiniHeart number 34."
"But, sex? Butt sex? Must have sex. Pony butt sex. So much sex," a squeaky little voice spoke out from under my bed. It was accompanied by a low vibrating hum of some sort. "Hey, you know what's so great about sex? Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, um...sex?"
"I said put it away, MiniHeart 34." Crystal Heart snapped.
"Oh, but, but, butt sex.." The voice squeaked. Crystal Heart let out a low guttural growl. "Oh...owkay." The voice murmured, crestfallen. The soft buzzing noise died away into whatever netherworld existed under my bed now.
"Put...what away?" I asked. "Do I even want to know, in fact?" I questioned myself.
"Step 1 of the rapid awakening sequence protocol." Crystal Heart said.
"Wait, what was that before with the 1000 very hot curvaceous bubble-wraps?"
"Step 2."
"Whatever that was down there was step 1?!" I balked.
"Yes. But technical faults in the system prevented its initial use." Crystal Heart sighed.
"The technical fault that just spoke?" I asked, secretly giving it my thanks.
"One of many." Crystal Heart shook her head. "The issue with the dragon running free in our ventilation system has prompted me to reactivate the empire's micro-management system, the MiniHearts. However, I'm not sure whether it's the power or 1000 years of disuse or just the old Emperor being a...a..."
"A dick?"
"Yes, that will do for a technical term. But yes, I am not sure why, but they are..." Crystal Heart looked down at the brilliant red MiniHeart trying to dry-hump my knee.
"Oh, look! Sex! Oh, wait, don't look!" It cried excitedly.
"Just like you. I am very sorry to hear that." I said, sympathetically. I secretly suspected it was not, in fact, 1000 years of disuse but 1000 years of Crystal Heart not getting any.
"I am still sitting atop you." Crystal Heart said, managing to make monotone statement of fact sound deathly threatening.
I nodded. "Noted. I'll shut up now."
"Tch, I was going to make you." she sighed. "But yes. The MiniHearts will require further calibration. At the moment, they will at best be able to fulfill an advisory role. We will still have to rely on the populace for full civic functionality. Never have I projected that civilians may be objectively more reliable than our Empire's management system."
“At this point wet tissue paper is more reliable, and probably less incendiary too.” I pointed out. "You know, I was worried for a moment that bubble-wrap was not enough protection." I said, eyeing the ones bouncing up and down on my bed, squeeing excitedly with each arc.
"Seriously, Master, it will take much more than that to get me pregnant." Crystal Heart huffed, impatiently.
"More?" I blink, blearily.
"Yes. I expect to orgasm a minimum of seven times in the process. That is the result of my most pessimistic scenario. A rigorous meta-analysis of my simulations, all 98.543.245.241 and a half indexed episodes, has resulted in an average orgasm count of..." Crystal Heart began.
"I'd offer you laxatives again but you, dudette, need something else entirely." I said. "A cold shower's a start."
"1000. Years." Crystal Heart said, simply. "Without any."
"A very, very cold shower." I nodded. "Don't you count as one of the virgins? Doesn't that mean you haven't had any, ever?"
"I have very rigorous standards in reproductive mates." She said with an indignant huff. “I am otherwise a very eligible and desirable mare of ideal mating age.”
"Obviously." I rolled my eyes. "Now, what was it you interrupted my really hot and sexy battery-powered dream for?"
"1 + 1 = Sex. Sex + Sex = more sex. So much sex, MiniHeart lost count. Hey, hey, hey; MiniHeart hasn't even gotten to multiplication tables yet, but MiniHeart heard there's even more sex to be had there!" The crimson MiniHeart leapt up and down, waving a hoof at me, as if answering my question.
I looked between Crystal Heart and the little red MiniHeart I shall forever dub Pervyheart.
"Contrary to your opinion, I do have my priorities the right way around." Crystal Heart asserted. Her answer flew about as well as a brick burdened by little PervyHeart.
"That suggests that is on your priority list." I pointed out, examining PervyHeart with a slightly-restrained look of disgust.
"I see no problems with having 'preservation of our species' as a priority. But I shall postpone said priority in favour of more pressing ones." She replied, judiciously.
"Why are you still on top of me then?" I asked, pointedly.
"In case my priorities change. Given enough time the probability is 100%."
"Please get off me."
"It would be my pleasure to get off on y-..."
"You know what I mean."
"Very well." She finally rolled off me and onto the floor, landing neatly on all fours. "In straight answer to your question, Master, it is about subject Beatrix Lulamoon."
"Who the what now?"
"The one you call 'Trixie'. You asked me to alert you should she start moving about." She said, sitting back to look up at me.
"Oh, right. She's making her move then, is she?" I asked, getting up. At least it was easier to find my jeans this time. I found four MiniHearts playing tug-of-war over it while a fifth and a sixth bounced excitedly on the buttock portion. A small colony of them had made a nest of my jumper. My shirt, meanwhile… wait, what’s PervyHeart doing to my shirt? Oh, oh me, no! NO!
Suffice to say, the laundry cannot wait till Friday. As I wrestled my clothes onto my body, I decided a backup wardrobe of more durable and possibly fireproof clothing would be a very good idea.
"As we speak, yes." Crystal Heart nodded.
"Right." I nodded, sliding the suppository launchers onto my forearms and legs. They tightened themselves about my limbs snugly with a pneumatic hiss and the clink of metal bolts sliding home. Interestingly, the gems studding the sides glowed an ominous black instead of the mint-green I saw on Lyra's. "So, how do these work again?"
"Don't shoot yourself," Crystal Heart said. "Especially not with the bone-killer round. The Empire relies on your... I mean, you."
"Haha." I muttered, pulling my long dark overdude cape on. "No danger of that, considering I don't even know how to shoot."
"Critical Threat to Empire Survival Detected." Crystal Heart's deep cyan eyes glazed over as she froze, words coming out in urgent monotone. "We shall divert all resources to rework the flea powder into a potent cure for impotence as a matter of national urgenc—"
"I mean shoot the suppository launcher, Crystal Heart." I sighed.
"Master, I would urge you not to allow such misunderstandings to happen." Crystal Heart relaxed visibly. "Bloody succession wars, mass hysteria, economic collapse and flea powder shortages have occurred over questions of virility in the past," Crystal Heart said. "You simply will it to shoot, by the way. It is easier than intercourse, if that is even possible."
"Hot." I said as I watched the magazine on my right arm FIM spin before chambering a round with yet another pneumatic hiss and a click.
"It is dangerous to go alone. Here, take this with you." Crystal Heart's horn glowed a bright cyan as she levitated one of the MiniHearts up towards me.
"Oh, oh, is it that time already? Sexy times? Cause it's Sex O'Clock. On Sex Mean Time, it's always sex o'clock." PervyHeart chirped up at me excitedly.
"I think that would be more dangerous than going alone." I said. "Pass."
"Project Subliminal Messaging, Phase 1, Failed." Crystal Heart sighed.
"You realize that was about as subliminal as a fist up where the sun don't shine, right?" I pointed out.
"If that's what you prefer then we can arrange..."
"Do I... really need one?" I was almost pleading.
"I have not been calibrated to judge the appropriateness of having appendages inserted up one's anatomical rear, but I can endeavour to advise you on..."
"I mean, do I really need a MiniHeart?" I asked, pointedly.
"They serve as my eyes and ears. They also make useful communication devices." Crystal Heart explained.
"You call that communication?" I blinked. "Just...choose me another one, if I really must go out with one." I sighed. Another one was levitated towards me, this one a deep midnight black with a silver mane sporting gray accents. Its hat bore many numbers all crossed out in deep red marks that looked suspiciously like tally marks.
"You want a good morning?" She muttered at me. "Well, the sun hasn't risen, so buck you."
"I like her already." I said.
"MiniHeart hates you too [insert bucktard here]. Would you like to set up a new password?" The MiniHeart asked.
"Err..." I looked between the odd little creature and Crystal Heart.
"Invalid password. Your password must contain a capital letter, a number, a symbol, an emoticon, a status update, cake, one goat and a virgin." The MiniHeart intoned. "Did you even read the bucktard manual?”
"Two of those I've actually got." I said. "All I need now is patience."
"It's bucking 5AM and MiniHeart's already run out. MiniHeart used to have enough to make day planners in the morning. But MiniHeart gave that up a few centuries ago when MiniHeart realized nopony ever follows MiniHeart's plans." The MiniHeart sighed.
"Let me guess, you got all the pleasant bits of Crystal Heart." I raised an eyebrow.
"Today's just a good day. MiniHeart hasn't had to unleash the vorpal rabbits yet." She replied as she was levitated over and draped over my right shoulder. "Oh, it's so high up here. Ah, MiniHeart sees, MiniHeart on top of your ego. MiniHeart can see your IQ aaaaall the way down there."
I raised an eyebrow at Crystal Heart. She merely gave me one of her usual impassive stares in reply. I sighed in resignation as I finally turned to to step my way through the writhing mass of MiniHearts that made up my bedroom floor.
"Oh, I'm going to need you to please be quiet in front of others." I quickly said as I placed my hand on the door knob.
"That's fine. MiniHeart will be too busy imagining their manes on fire." The MiniHeart said, gruffly.
And with that we set off in a silence about as companionable as a nuclear standoff.
The grand hall was dim, but there was enough light from the light pulsing through the walls for me to pick out one dark silhouette from the gloom. It helped that she had her horn glowing with a soft, bluish white light as she telekinetically dragged what looked like a big sack out from behind a crystal pillar. It also helped that she wasn't exactly the quietest of runaways.
"Stupid gray—if somewhat sexy—mare wallowing in her own heat juice. Silly testicular—if rather cute— dark fruit thing." She muttered under her breath as she slung the sack with a burst of her magic. She draped it across her back like a saddlebag. She took another moment to lift her pointy cap off the floor, dusting it off before setting it atop her head. She paused to give it a rackish tilt atop her mane with a touch of her magic.
With another burst of her magic, her star-spangled cloak flew up over her back, covering her saddlebags. "Well, Trixie has had enough of this oestrogen-marinated Empire and its oversized, if rather phallic, palace thing and all the sex-deprived virgins in he-...nyaah!" She cried as she turned around and found herself facing my crotch. The sight of me sent her recoiling backwards onto her haunches.
"A little early to be looking for butt-shaped fruit to boost your ego against." I said, picking up a peach that had rolled out of her sack. I stuffed it back in her pack before offering a hand to help her up.
"Wh-what are you doing here, OverButt?!" She demanded, smacking aside my hand with a hoof before scrabbling onto her legs. "Don't village idiots have office hours?!"
"For you, Trixie, I'm always on-call 24/7." I said with a smile, wringing the sting out of my hand. "Except for now. I'm actually on my way to get a midnight snack." I lied, practically oozing with glibness. "You don't happen to have a bulldozer on you, do you? A jackhammer perhaps? Kinda need one to make my sandwich."
"Starswirl's beard, it's five in the morning. Trixie'd tell you you're late for a midnight snack, but Trixie's starting to suspect you'd only understand that five hours later." Trixie huffed, stomping past me.
"Around you, Trixie, it's always midnight. Saturday night." I grinned.
"Oh, good. Trixie will just take the Saturday midnights with Trixie then." She said, walking on towards the massive double doors at the end of the hall. I didn't miss her turning her head slightly towards me, almost expectantly. "Uh, this is goodbye." She finally said, as if dropping the hint on my face.
"Oh, okay. Bye." I said simply, giving her a little wave as I turned to pluck a preservative shard off one of the storage blossoms. "Urgh, turnips. Why all of the turnips?" I muttered.
I saw her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. Her look of disappointment was apparent. I'd say it was like reading a book, but this made 'The Hungry Caterpillar' look difficult.
"You're... not going to stop Trixie?" She finally asked, the uncertainty in her voice practically trembling like a hamster in need of the toilet.
"Oh, no, perish the thought." I shrugged as I bit into the turnip casually, before silently cursing myself. That was supposed to be a casual act, dammit! How is a turnip casual?! "I mean, it's a free country. Literally, ‘cause we haven't even outlawed common sense yet. You're as free to walk out the door as you are to shag teapots." I said, trying not to wince as I struggled to chew and swallow the turnip.
"I see. Then... this is goodbye." She said again, wrapping her cape tightly about herself as she set out down the long corridor towards the citadel's front hall.
"Yep. Byee-zeee~" I called out after her.
"Good riddance. One less prick on this cactus," SnarkyHeart quipped as she emerged from behind my shoulder, thankfully ignored by Trixie. "MiniHeart could drown emos in all this melodrama.”
"Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet." I smiled.
"Yeah, cause MiniHeart's already tired of rolling Miniheart’s eyes." SnarkyHeart grumbled.
I had only read of the expression. I had at times thought 'this was it, this is what it feels like'. But I realized there and then that I had all but imagined it before. This, this, is glorious air, so perfectly crisp and brisk, filled with all the subtle hints of spring's sweet promises. It was like silk upon my skin, like a wellspring of life in my chest. In the excitement the day before I had not paused to appreciate it. If I had, I probably would have done more than faint.
And the sweet, invigorating air was only the start of the sensory overload. The sky above was still aglow with the soft curtains of northern lights, all spiraling outwards from, to my surprise, our very citadel's summit. The lights curled about the spire like a blossom rippling in the morning breeze. And there, where the endless sky touched the line of snowcapped mountains, the soft shimmer of dawn crested over the peaks, promising a glorious day ahead.
As my steps echoed across the deserted main boulevard leading away from the citadel, I allowed my mind to wander. It took no great leap of imagination to see the mighty city that once stood here in between these grand boulevards. But now all that remained were hollow ruins and haunted derelicts of shattered, crumbling crystal. That 100.000 ponies once called this beautiful place home; the thought was beyond breathtaking.
The boulevard finally came to an end at an impressive wall of crystal monoliths joined by sharp, edged palisades that seemed wide enough for an entire army to walk on. Beyond, the boulevard gave way to a sheer drop—courtesy of the mighty plateau the main city rested upon. If I had had an aerial view, I would have noticed that the plateau's edges followed the contours of the outer wall, forming a natural star-fort.
A long staircase abutted by more crystal monoliths led down from the boulevard to the city's second tier; a wider, larger area with much larger and more complex crystal ruins, presumably once the warehouses and factories of the city's industrial district. Waterfalls gushing forth from the upper tier fed the many scenic canals that riddled the district, turning many still-functioning crystal water wheels that presumably used to drive the city's industrial machinery. Silhouetted against the faintly starry sky stood a few remaining crystal windmills, some still turning gently in the morning breeze. In the distance, a number of dizzyingly high arched pillars of crystal towered into the sky, bearing what were presumably tiers upon tiers of aqueducts from the mountains in the distance. The long boulevard finally met yet another high wall followed by another sheer drop off the wide plateau and into the flat planes below.
I finally made my way down the final set of steps into the third and last tier of the city. I found that it was one that housed mainly lush rolling hills dotted with the occasional verdant woodland as far as the eyes can see. As I walked down the long road through the third tier, I couldn't help but admire the stark beauty practically hand-sculpted into the landscape. Distant waterfalls in the mountains wound into soft, babbling rivers that fed and nurtured the vast third tier, presumably once the farming district.
Everything from the sweet smell of cherry blossoms and persimmon in the air, to the soft caress of the crisp breeze in my hair, to the taste of the early morning dew on my tongue; everything was perfection. But more noticeable was how sharp and vibrant everything was to my eyes. It was as if I was walking through a pastel painting, each and every colour dancing brightly before me. If I had any doubts remaining that I was in an alien world, that long morning walk washed it all away in a flow of serenity. No place on earth could be this breathtakingly perfect.
There was one thing, however, that continued to bother me. I couldn’t shake off the odd feeling that I was being watched, and it wasn’t SnarkyHeart as she was too busy glaring at everything around us with enough contempt to fuel Vesuvius three times over. But everything from the wind whistling through the few scattered crystal ruins to the absolute desolation of the land around us assured me we were entirely alone. Even the clear dawn sky abo-... wait, there was a single solitary cloud in the sky. And it was too small a puff to realistically hold together in the otherwise empty sky. Unless… huh, are those wings I see? A pegasus? Sure, I have been expecting spies, but this was rather obvious and brazen. This mare really was looking down on me, no pun intended.
Ah well, she can watch all she wanted. Trixie was already counted amongst the seven unicorns I have already been seen fraternizing with so the damage was already done so to speak. I decided to pay the pegasus no heed and continue to admire my surroundings.
I took it all in in blessed silence. My companion had chosen to remain silent as we walked down the long road towards the Empire's borders. I myself was content to allow her to fire the first shot, as it were. I had enough to keep myself occupied. She must have noticed this as she watched me admire the meadow of azure flowers to one side of the road. She gave a mischievous smile as she pursed her lips and blew a soft little whistle, reminiscent of morning birdsong. As one the meadow of flowers blossomed forth, revealing golden pollen that gleamed radiantly in the early dawn rays.
Their glow illuminated the impish smirk under the wide pointy hat as she turned to walk on, leaving me to pick up my jaw from the roadside. But not allowing me a moment to recover she picked up one of the flowers in a little spark of her azure magic, allowing it a slow orbit about her mane, trailing its glowing golden pollen in its wake. The pink blossoms adorning the trees on either side of the road suddenly took flight in a current of flapping pink. As they gathered in the wake of the golden pollen like a big pink cloud, their form became apparent to me; they were little pink butterflies.
“The Trixie flower.” She said, suddenly breaking the silence. She spun the little flower in her magic, causing it to suddenly take flight like a corkscrew, casting its radiant glow like a little firework display as it ascended. As it spun it returned Trixie’s birdsong like a whistling echo, attracting a flock of birds. As the birdsong filled the air, the entire field before us blossomed forth with more of little azure flowers, turning it into a sea of gold that glittered in the dawn light. “So, still think your deep butt-shaped fruit’s still as deep as Trixie’s namesake?” Trixie asked with a smirk.
“Okay, you win. I’ll shut up now.” Not that my slack jaw was much use for talking anymore.
“It’s a very showy flower with lots and lots of hidden tricks. You can even refine the pollen into fireworks. A flower truly worthy of sharing the great and powerful Trixie’s name.” She said proudly, turning around to walk on. “It’s not much use for anything else though; not some miracle cure, doesn’t even smell very nice. Once the show’s over, once everypony’s bored, once the magic’s run out, it’s just a weed that needs regular removal. That’s why it has to continue spreading to fresh pastures, just to survive.” She said, seemingly a little downcast as she watched the lone flower floating higher and higher up into the sky.
We walked on in silence to a backdrop of golden fields and clouds of pink butterflies. As we walked past the burnt wreckages of the two downed inquisition airships she finally spoke up once more. “Trixie’s a showmare.” She said, without any preamble. “Trixie used to travel all across the land, earning Trixie’s keep by putting on shows for those who need a smile. And believe Trixie when Trixie says there’s a lot of demand these days, even if they don’t know it. It’s never been easy, especially as street shows are prohibited by Taliconian law. But nothing stops the great and powerful Trixie, even when Trixie gets the cold shoulder from an audience, or even gets run out by the guard.”
She gave a sad little smile. “Trixie’s come across a lot of other actors. Trixie’s even generously shared her great stage with a few deserving ones. So Trixie knows an actor when Trixie sees one.” She shot me a look. “You’ve put on a very entertaining if rather tacky and overdone show so far, OverButt. That much the great and powerful Trixie will concede. But how long will the plebs remain entertained by your little show?”
I knew there was something I found fascinating about this azure mare. Now I knew what it was. She had seen right through the smokes and mirrors, even those put up by the ponies themselves in their desperate need for something to believe in. She herself felt no need to put me up on a high pedestal as an anchor of hope. She was ready to face the world as it was without a need for the safety blanket that was me. She always had stood alone and she’s determined to continue doing so.
“For as long as they need me.” I shrugged. “I will be whatever they need me to be.” She had told me everything I needed to confirm my suspicions. Now all I needed was a plan. Or I could, of course, just roll with it.
I decided to just roll with it. Because I can.
“Trixie supposes that is an acceptable answer, for a show-stallion.” She gave me a wan smile. “It’s good that you’ve found your stage, OverButt.” Seeing the knowing smile on my face, she quickly added, “Not that, uh, not that Trixie’s jealous or anything…” She huffed, looking away. "W-Why are you following Trixie, anyway?" She demanded in a poor attempt at covering up her awkwardness.
"I fell asleep from all the melodrama. This is me sleepwalking and sleep talking in my sleep while I'm sleeping." I replied, nonchalant.
"So, no different than usual then?" Trixie raised an eyebrow.
"I'm currently dreaming I'm shagging one of the hottest, most beautiful unicorns in Equus while taking her on a very long morning walk, so don't mind me at all." I said, offhand.
Trixie almost capsized and sank as my words rammed her with all the force of an iceberg to the face. The gobsmacked look it left behind was worth the life and limb I was risking, and then some.
"Oh, oh, I love you too, Trixie. Oh yeah, baby!" I added passionately for good measure.
"Wh-wh-wh..." Trixie's frozen-over expression finally shattered into a sputter of disbelief.
"Sorry, sleep talking, don't mind me." I said.
"Trixie does mind!" Trixie finally regained enough of her composure to snap at me, hopping on her hooves as if to drive home her anger. "Trixie minds enough that if you carry on like that, Trixie guarantees you you're so so bucked!"
"Yep, and enjoyin' every bit of it. Oh yeah, baby!" I cackled. "What do you mean your horn isn't a handlebar?! I need something to pull against and this was obviously designed for it! Oh, hmm, yes! You like it! I know you like it!"
"Trixie could blast you four dimensions across and two sideways right now!" She barked.
"What's stopping you?" I taunted her with a soft smile.
"Trixie is..." Trixie began, her voice still trembling as she fought to regain her balance.
"Oh, oh yes, Trixie, oh yeeeees! Walk it, walk it I say! Pump those hooves, hmmm!" I did a few rather violent hip thrusts to accentuate my passions. Oh, me, if I'm going to glitter-sprinkle hell for this, I will go in absolute style. "Seriously, girl, learn to walk before you shag on the road!"
3...2...1...
"That's it! Go buck a grave somewhere!" Her cry of anger filled the air. There was the now familiar crackle of unicorn magic, a zap, a brilliant flash of azure magic. The next thing I knew, I had been sent flying by a spell blast carrying all the momentum and ignominy of a pair of mating elephants. I would fist-pump and declare my score if I wasn't too busy bouncing across the perfectly beautiful landscape. At least SnarkyHeart made herself useful by using small bursts of her magic to cushion each landing. Unfortunately whatever magic barrier she used had all the elastic properties of an inflated condom, sending me flying for at least a mile if not two. All the while, a blue dot behind us cried "Ohmigosh Ohmigosh Ohmigosh!" as she frantically chased after us.
I decided to use my air time (harhar) in between bounces to go over my analysis once more. Now I'm an actor. Making stories come to life is my job, wielding emotion my passion, improvisation my tool and breaking my legs a job hazard. Now, as she's divulged, Trixie's a showmare, an actor like me. And if I know anything about actors, we don't just act in theatre, we make our entire lives our stage. From what I've gathered I could tell, she had a story in her head, one she's improvised into a tragic comedy starring herself. All her life she had sought recognition, but she has yet to find her place. At best she feels like a rather flashy ‘weed’ as she puts it. She had come to terms with that, to the point that she's decided to incorporate it into the tale she wove. She would be the shunned heroine who takes it upon herself to not burden others with her presence, to shoulder loneliness rather than inflict herself upon others. As such stories go, somewhere, sometime, close to the end, she would be allowed a moment to shine, and she would find the place she belonged, her ‘pasture’, even if it was in death. And she was determined to act it out to the end.
And she had decided that place wasn't here in the Crystal Empire for whatever reason. Perhaps because she felt she wasn't the main character here. And that was understandable, considering she was just another mare amongst a thousand.
Now she was ready to give me the time of day because like all actors she wanted an audience, a witness to her story. In fact that was probably why she was telling me, a complete stranger, so much about herself, believing we would likely never meet again. But I'm about to give her something more. I'm about to give her her big break, the main role she had been waiting for.
Who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?
Now, she's already shown me an emotional reaction, effectively dropping me into the stage in her mind. I am now incorporated into her story, playing the part of the crazy but generally harmless cuckoo companion, an important comic relief side-character to any hero's fable. Now, the question is, how to land this bad boy? How do I give her the dramatic climax she so craves?
I suppose I could feign a severe injury on landing, beg her for 'friendship' or 'harmony' or something, depend on the MLP for the little special effects show, then tell her it was fate, destiny, etc. that she stand by my side in our struggle against Ahuizotl. Yes, that sounded like a decent scenario, one that was sure to convince her to stay. It was a bit of a gamble, but...
I felt cold, very very cold, all of a sudden. I looked around me in time to notice us soaring away from the tall crystal wall in between the monoliths that marked the Empire's border. Over it shimmered the pink shield, now growing more and more distant. Beneath us a pure white snowy landscape extended as far as the eyes can see, a sharp contrast to the verdant spring meadows underneath Crystal Heart's shield. And suddenly both the wall and the shield behind us dissolved into nothingness, leaving an empty barren landscape in its place. Ah, I see, the stealth generator was literally that, an invisibility cloak.
Hmmm, perhaps this was time to start worrying.
But before I could even start screaming like a pansy a deep cold grasp claimed me in the form of a thick embankment of snow, effectively stifling my scream and muffling out the world around me. As comedic convention would dictate, I could feel everything from the waist upwards immobilized in the snow drift, leaving nothing but my bum and my legs hanging free in the frigid air.
"Hey, OverButt!" Trixie's muffled voice reached me in my icy tomb, "Hey! You'd better be alive, cause not even the great and powerful Trixie can haul your OverButtness out of Tartarus!"
I felt a ticklish feeling, like very fine pins and needles, envelop the entirety of my backside. Ah, so that's how it felt to be groped by unicorn magic.
It was surprisingly hot. In more ways than one.
And the sentiment was flushed away unceremoniously by the indignity of being pulled out butt-first like an oversized cork. Obviously Trixie was not ready for the cork physics as I felt myself slam into her, sending us both sprawling into yet another snow drift. A tree above us decided to unload its snow on top of us for good measure.
"OverButt. Are you alive?"
"I can still hear you talk, so either that or I'm in hell."
"Trixie doubts it. The great and powerful Trixie is too great for sissy things like hell."
"Okay, we now have empirical evidence that we're both alive." I decided. "Now what?"
"Proximity sensors detect movement in the vicinity." SnarkyHeart announced. "Miniheart will translate for you; that means freeze now or be frozen food later. Miniheart doesn't care either way."
"Hey...what's the worst thing that could be out there?" I whispered. "Just, so, you know, I can be pleasantly surprised."
"Other than you? If Trixie had to say one thing, it'd probably be a dragon." Trixie whispered back. "But that's impossible. It's too cold and too far up north for a dragon."
"Now you said it. You realize you've just put a dragon there now." I muttered, putting a palm to my face as slowly and noiselessly as I could. "Tinker bell make-over says it's a dragon."
"By Starswirl's beard, if you win..." Trixie muttered.
As one we slowly rose out of our snowy grave to slowly survey our surroundings. We quickly found our mark, a big black figure standing out like a big black fire-breathing dragon on a snow white background. It was a big black fire-breathing dragon. There was no mistaking the massive leathery wings, the serpentine snout and the scaly hide. Everything about it screamed 'bigass deadly dragon of doom'.
"Trixie swears, Trixie didn't put that dragon there." Trixie muttered.
"I did say 'dramatic climax'. I did not say 'smouldering tragic end'." I muttered to myself.
"Assuming Direct Control." SnarkyHeart's eyes glowed brightly, her gem-like coat sparkling brilliantly. "Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Yes, 34, I see the red light. No, you cannot copulate with the red light."
"Crystal Heart." I whispered, "What the flute?!"
"Ah, you can hear me, Master. Good. I have an urgent matter to tell you." Crystal Heart said. "Border sensors detected subject Dinky Doo crossing the border just moments ago. She should still be somewhere in your vicinity. She will not be able to cross back inside without your help."
"Dinky?!" I gasped, feeling a cold iceberg of dread crash into the pits of my stomach.
"Tell me, pony! Where is your empire?! I know it has returned! And I shall prove it to the Dragon Moot at last!" I heard the dragon's roar shake the very ground we were sitting on.
"D-D-Dinky... Dinky doesn't know!" The more-than-familiar voice shattered the iceberg in my stomach, sending freezing cold shards deep into my heart.
"You're just a pony hatchling!” The dragon roared down at whatever it was it had clutched in its big fat claws. “You can't be far from your nest! And I know your nest is the Crystal Empire! And I shall have it, along with the dark overlord! Where. Is. It?! Tell me or there shall be consequences!"
"Dinky doesn't know!" Dinky’s stammer was suddenly gone in a burst of wilful conviction. "But Dinky will make sure you never find him!" She cried out.
"We need to..." Trixie's words were cut off by me rising out from behind the snow drift. "Don't you dare..." She hissed.
But no force in the universe, especially not common sense, could stop me then. “Hey, you!” I shouted, chambering a black round bearing a skull-and-crossbones mark into my arm-mounted suppository-launchers. “I’d call you a wanker, but if you don’t hurry up and put her down, me and my little friend here…” I aimed my FIM up at where the sun don’t shine, “...will make sure that word will only ever apply to your face.”