//------------------------------// // Hoodies // Story: Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// "Maud Pie?!" Applejack's grin is the widest and brightest I've ever seen it. I feel her tiny heart skipping a beat from where she lies against my chest. "Well, tie a purple bow around my tail and call me a 'silly pony!'" "Heh..." I smirk, reaching a hand up to stroke the pony's mane. "Don't tempt me..." "Pinkie's sister has gotten into the program?" Applejack's hooves curl against my sternum as she fights her way through an explosively jubilant guffaw. "That's about the silliest news I've heard in ages!" She catches her breath, smirking. "And yet some of the best. Who toldja?" "Mmmm... Aynrandy." I gaze off the sofa and flick my glove, fast-forwarding past the ancient commercial projected holographically before us. At last, the broadcast resumes, and a shirtless adonis approaches the wrestling ring with a scantily clad blonde clinging to his shoulder. "Lucky guy won the raffle, and the pony who volunteered on the other end was your friend's sibling." "Heh, I reckon that makes you both lucky." I nod. Three seconds pass, and I belatedly make eye contact with her. "Yes! Uhm... yes it does." "Still, that just plum kills me!" Applejack chuckles, turning over to her side so she can watch the wrestling match with two lazy eyes. "Ever since I came back from my first trip to this place, Pinkie's been besides herself with jealousy." "Ew. That sounds rather unfortunate." "Heh. You don't know Pinkie. T'ain't nothin' bitter or resentful, mind you. Pinkie's got the sensibilities of a lil' filly from time to time. That's what makes her so charming..." "...and annoying, I bet." "Hmmph..." Applejack winks aside at me. "Nopony's perfect, darlin'." I gulp. "Er... right..." "But I'm just tryin' to imagine her face when I tell her that her sister got a hoodie ahead of her." Applejack covers her freckled muzzle to contain her giggles. "Mmmmm—ohhhhh Celestia. I reckon she might explode." "Maybe it's best not to tell her." "Have y'all forgotten who yer talkin' to?" I roll my eyes and smirk. "Stupid me." "If nothin' else, I think she'll consider it the mother of all practical jokes. And the fact that it's Maud will undoubtedly fill her with joy n'such. Ya see, Pinkie has this way of countin' just about anythang as an excuse to be happy, even if it means her havin' to wait for another golden opportunity for goodness knows how long..." "She's really bent on showing up on Ganymede, huh?" "Oh, she's been dreamin' about it! Some nonsense about 'party rockin' the moon out of orbit.'" "That could prove detrimental for the rest of the Jupiter system." "Yes, well, Pinkie Pie sure dun have no grasp of subtlety." Applejack's muzzle scrunches. "Speakin' of which, why's that fella comin' out on the runway have so much flippin' makeup on?" "Oh, that's Golddust." "Y'all don't say?" Applejack blinks. "I thought he'd given up the schtick to follow the 'old time religion?'" "Heh. The whole 'reformed Dustin Reynolds' thing was a work. Now Golddust has returned to feud with Val Venis over his affair with Marlena." "Heavens to Betsy..." Applejack shakes her head with a limp smirk. "I've seen stompin' hydras and town-devourin' parasprites, but nothing's quite as silly as the stuff you show me..." "My pleasure." I scratch behind her ear, but pause. After a breath: "Applejack?" Her eyes are glued to the holo-screen. "Yes, sugarcube?" "Do... do a lot of ponies want to cross over like you and Maud have?" "Mmmm... I reckon..." She lies her fuzzy cheek against my chest. Her bangs flounce with the rise and fall of my breaths. "Wasn't always the case, of course. When the first hoodie appeared, most of us were plum frightened." "Including Twilight," I say with a nod. "The alicorn you bravely took the fall for, right?" "And one of my absolute best and smartest friends in whole wide world." Applejack tilts her face towards me, smiling. "At first, she was none too pleased with me for stealin' the hoodie from her, but she came around. Guess she figured that I only put the article on to make sure that every pony I cared for didn't get needlessly hurt." "I still think that was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard anyone doing for a friend." "Awwww... yer too sweet, darlin'." Applejack gazes at the wrestling match once again. "But, truth is, after I kept comin' back to Equestria—safe and sound each time—word about the hoodie spread. And once the other ones appeared—" "Just where did they show up?" "Hmm? Oh! In Ponyville, just like mine did." "And—what—did Twilight gather them up or somethin'?" "Yup. Took them to Canterlot for Celestia and Luna and Cadance to examine. Between the whole lot of them, they decided that it was a-okay to go on with the whole process, and they entrusted Twilight with the... erm..." "What?" "Reckon I don't know of a fancy way to describe it. It's kind of like an application process, but even that makes it sound boring." "And Twilight's the one managing it, huh?" "Yep. She's chosen to be all secret-like about it too, probably 'cuz she doesn't want to make it seem like she's doin' anypony any favors over others just 'cuz she knows them." "So I guess that's why Pinkie Pie hasn't gotten a hoodie." "Well... heh... I think we both know why." "Right." I nod. "And Ganymede is most likely thankful to keep its orbit." "Darn tootin'." "Has it been hard for Twilight?" I resume stroking Applejack's mane. "I mean... Do the rest of your gal pals want in on the program?" "Mmmm... it's hard to say." Applejack taps her chin in thought. "Rainbow Dash wants nothin' to do with it, which ain't surprisin'. You can't put a dress on the girl, much less a hoodie, and expect her to keep it on for ten seconds." "Uh huh... sounds like Rainbow Dash, alright." "Fluttershy's too plum scared to visit another world, bless her heart. You know about Pinkie. Rarity, on the other hoof..." "Wuh oh..." "'Wuh oh' is right." Applejack rolls her eyes. "The moment I told her about how much you pamper me—" "Pffft!" I scoff. "I do not pamper you." Applejack raises her head with a squinting expression. "Carryin' me across the street? Layin' a blanket over me while I'm takin' a nap? Brushin' my hair to a golden shine?" I bite my lip and avoid her gaze. "Y-yeah... well..." "Anyways..." Applejack lies against my chest again. "We all know that Rarity wants to cross over. Only cuz the dayum mare talks about it everyday. Whew! She even talks about it more than I do!" "Sounds like a mare who knows what she wants." "And how. Reckon it kills her inside to know I'm enjoyin' the fruits of this program instead of her." "Is..." I raise an eyebrow. "Is that a tone of pride that I'm hearing?" "Uhm..." Applejack hides her face in the golden length of her ponytail. Her freckles immediately melt in a rosy sea. "M-maybe..." "Hmmmm..." I fight the urge to giggle. "'Rarity' sounds too delicate a name for a pony being crushed that immensely." "Awwwwwwww shucks!" Applejack positively blanches. "Don't put it that way! Now I feel plum awful!" "Heeheehee..." I tickle her chin. "I'm just teasin'." "Well stop it!" She pouts. "Stop teasin'!" I stare at her. "That teasin', I mean..." She fidgets. I smile and resume scratching her ears. She drapes against my chest with a sigh and purs, "What was I talkin' about...?" "Rarity's so envious, she's greener than baby shit." "Oh. Right. Heheheheh—" Applejack slaps a hoof over her muzzle to silence her chuckles. Clearing her throat, she says, "Rarity's a darlin'. She really is. But she and I go way back, and that there's a bumpy road, lemme tell ya..." "But, overall, your friends are okay with you doing this?" I ask. "Bouncing back and forth as part of the program?" "Oh. Yes. Darn tootin'." Applejack breathes through a calm smile. "I'm almost surprised at how much support they've been givin' me. It's almost like... almost like..." "What?" "Well..." Her hooves knead against my shirt in a pensive manner. She sighs and says, "After last time... when I left y'all... y'know... after our heart-to-heart and such..." "Yes...?" "Well, I... I asked them if they all thought that... th-that I had changed somehow... or if I had become... y'know... weak." I glance at her. "And?" "Hmmmm... what do ya think?" Applejack sighs pleasantly, rolling over so that she's lying with her back against me. Her legs curl up over her chest as she glances at me upside down. "They told me that it was high-time I found a chance to unwind, that I had done nothin' but earned it in all the time they've known me." "Well..." I smirk. "Imagine that. What did I tell you?" "I know... I know." Applejack gazes at the wrestling match, her eyes tracing sweaty flesh being suplexed into the mat. "Just... hearin' them say it to me... out loud... after all the time I've done my best to look after them." She bites her lip, then eventually murmurs, "It felt like trottin' out onto a glistening orchard right after the rain. Reckon I didn't know I'd been so worried for so long." "Worried? About what?" "About how relaxed they felt... about how safe they felt... because I've always been around for them..." I play with the bangs over her head. "You're a good pony, Applejack. Your friends are lucky to have you always there for them. I think it's a wonderful thing that they finally got a chance to tell you in person." "Yes, well, only cuz I gave it to them." She gulps and blinks up at me. "Cuz you had g-given it to me. I... I wanted to thank you, darlin'." I smile. "Just being here is thanks enough, AJ. You are..." I fumble a bit, then say, "It's so very nice having you around." She grins upside down, her freckles bright and lively. "So, then..." I rest my hands behind my neck. "You really don't know who the other ponies are who are getting the articles?" "No, darlin'." She shakes her head. "I only found out about Maud Pie because of you." "Twilight's that secretive, huh?" "She has to be, I reckon. Rarity and Pinkie Pie ain't the only curious ponies. I'm plum afraid of a riot breaking out, some days." "Heh... a pony riot. I'd pay to see that." "T'ain't as cute as you think. I still hear stories from Braeburn about this one year the hockey team won in Fillydelphia." Applejack shudders from head to tail. "Why they dun just save the buckin' fights for the ice is beyond me." "Well, guess what?" I crane my neck as I catch her attention. "Aynrandy's invited me to a picnic." "Hmmm? A picnic?" "For the article experimenters," I say. "Two other people from our office are already confirmed to be there at the park with their pony friends." I smile. "He's asked me to come... and bring you, if you'd like." "A chance to see Maud again?" Applejack's eyes blink brightly. "And the other fellers and gals joinin' this here program!" She rolls around and stands on my chest. "Yeeeha! Sign me up!" "Heeheehee... okay..." I wave a hand. "You don't need to go stampeding all over my rib cage!" She winces and sits down on curled legs. "Beg yer pardon..." "It's alright..." "I mean... I absolutely lurve picnics. But gettin' a chance to meet other ponies... and humans? Sounds like a rip roarin' good ol' time!" "Well, glad you're on board." "Though, I really wish I could bring a basket of home-baked apple pies with me," Applejack deflates with a sigh. "Or at least some lettuce sandwiches..." "You might wanna consider mailing them to Maud Pie's home." "Oh? Why's that?" "Well, according to Ayn, the hoodies have received an upgrade. They can carry organic substances now—including foodstuffs." "Yer pullin' my tail!" "I swear it's the truth." "Whewee! I just might go ahead and do that!" She smirks. "I'll have Rainbow Dash carry a whole bushel of apples to Pinkie's hometown! That squeaky-voiced speedster could get there in a wink, I tells ya!" "Well... I don't think Maud could bring a bushel of fruit over." "Erm... right. That's a might bit pushin' it, I reckon..." "Still, something like this will give you plenty to write home about." "Or just tell Twilight right to her face." Applejack sticks a tongue out. "Seein' as she's my close friend and all." "Uh... of course..." I smile nervously. "I keep forgetting you're buddy-buddy with a princess." "If nothin' else, it'll set her mind at ease about this whole thang." I raise an eyebrow. "Is she still worried over the program?" "Not that she wants to be, only 'cuz it's her duty and such." "As a Princess..." "Right. Sometimes, I swear, it's like she's lookin' for reasons to be paranoid where there ain't none." "Well, maybe she does have a reason to be worried about humans." Applejack blinks at me. "Buh?" "Haven't I told you?" I grin slowly, icily, from ear to ear. "This whole program is just the first, monumental step." Applejack gulps, her body scrunching down into an orange ball. "The f-first step to what?" "The whole solar system is dying because of our ecological arrogance and excessive hubris. Soon, because of dwindling resources and overpopulation, we're going to have to migrate from this realm to yours. Already, as we speak, a special bureau of genetic scientists are working on a way to convert all humans into tiny equines so that we can don the trans-dimensional hoodies and gallop our way over to Equestria so that we can live in unadulterated joy and harmony." Applejack stares at me... gawks at me. I continue to grin back at her. She blinks, then frowns. "Ya stinkin' varmint!" She swats my chest. "Heeheeheehee!" I'm an explosion of giggles. "That's the most plum stupid thang I ever did hear!" She wheezes. "I can't believe you actually had me for a second!" "Awwwwww..." I caress her chin. "But nothing gets by you, honest Applejack!" "Grrrr!" She bats my hand away and sits up, turning away from me with crossed forelimbs. "Of all the dag-gum, mind-muddyin' wives tales..." "Pffft. Like I'd give up cheeseburgers and anti-gravity basketball for becoming a horse." "Nnngh... snrkkk... snkkkktkkkt—" Her shoulders shake and quiver. I point. "Don't fight it..." "Gaaah-haah-haah-haaah!" She reaches for an invisible fedora to slap against her knee. The pony's hoodie flounces as she falls back against me. I wrap an arm around her and she settles her incessant laughter by nuzzling my shoulder. "Heh-heh-heh... hehhhh... yer somethin' else, sugarcube." I nod. "So I've been told." We both turn towards the holo-projector just in time to see a man in a glitzy outfit take a running start, soar across the ring, and slam his calf straight between the legs of another wrestler. "Oooooh..." Applejack winces. "That had to have stung..." "Mmmmhmmm..." I nod. "In more ways than five, especially if you count Wrestlemania CCLXI at Venutian Sao Paulo."