The night was not pleasant. The ponies spent it piled together on the floor of the shack in a shifting, often whimpering mass, huddling together less for warmth than much-needed company. Joe was also sleepless, dozing really, one ear cocked for the sounds of unwanted visitors.
Despite that, he was a little surprised to surface from a dream about an encounter in Gomorrah and find one had curled up beside him, one wing thrown over him. Moreover, she was crying in her sleep.
Carefully he worked the ancient knob of a fusion lamp, raising the light enough to make out pale yellow fur and feathers, and a pink mane. Fluff... no, Fluttershy’s face was contorted in misery, and tears were tracking down her face, currently buried in Joe's chest.
He could feel her hind legs twitching against his; idly he reckoned that standing up, these little ponies wouldn't top five feet. More like four and a half, and a good foot of that was head. An’ right now he wouldn't mind iffn’ she’d get over her nightmare, since her hooves were rapping his kneecaps.
It finally struck Joe that none of the Equestrians belonged here. At all. Not so much they'd blundered into the Mojave with their magic powers or whatever, but that they didn't belong on Earth. So what did that make him? Captain Cosmos? What would the Cap'n do, he asked himself.
Right now, he was sharing a bed with a female space alien. Worse still, he still had a raging hard-on from that dream. If Fluttershy moved her wing down... Nah, screw that, somehow he didn't think he was their type. Cap’n Cosmos wouldn’t care though, he bet. He squinted at the door. What few chinks of light he could see suggested dawn would soon be breaking.
He looked down at Fluttershy again. If push came to shove, he'd push her off the bed to get a clear shot. But right now... well, she obviously needed comfort and, heck, the warmth was awful nice. In fact, it reminded him of his childhood in the family caravan, sleeping with the pack-horses… before…
But all good things have to come to an end. In this case, Pinkie Pie’s end.
Despite being asleep, she still managed to fart two whole bars of Equestria the Beautiful, fortimisso, and everypony there would swear it was visible.
The shack door banged open. “AAAAGHH!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she barrelled out the door, finally stopping about a hundred feet eastward before making a cautious return.
“AAAAGHH!” Rarity gagged as she scrambled out, gasping for air that wasn’t brown and chewy. Her normally elegant face would have made the front page back in Ponyville.
“AAAAGHH!” Twilight nearly trampled Rarity as she also fled, gagging.
“AAAAGHH! Th’ fermenter’s exploded! Th’ outhouse’s on fire!” Applejack cut a comically uncoordinated figure as she sleepily stumbled outside, tripped and fell on her face.
“Holy fuckin’ – Jesus! – fuck! –” Haversack Joe lurched out of the shack as well, blinking in the sunrise light and gasping for breath. “That’s worse’n a goddamn ghoul’s nest!”
The ponies didn't respond, except by staring at him.
“What?”
The stares began to give way to poorly concealed smirks and giggles.
“What?”
The smirking and giggling and oddly coquettish glances intensified.
“Oh god. It's my pants ain't it?” Too late he made another connection: Unlike horses, if it wasn't for his clothing it'd be in full view.
“Um...”
The fumes cleared from Joe's brain long enough to recognise that he was carrying someone. He looked down. Huge earnest eyes framed with embarrassment looked back up.
“Can you... um... you can put me down now... if... if that's all right with you,” Fluttershy squeaked.
Joe was quick to comply, but not quick enough to avoid a strange syncopated squeaky noise from Ulysses' shack. A pink-maned head protruded from the entrance, mostly obscured by a gas mask. It aimed a hoof at them, squeaked something rhythmic and familiar, before flopping on the floor squeaking with laughter.
Rainbow just roared and charged Pinkie, and in the ensuing ponypile Joe took the opportunity to set a very red Fluttershy on the ground. She looked up at him, appeared to be about to say something, then just turned even redder and tried hiding behind her mane.
Joe, also a little tongue-tied by what had happened, busied himself with his Pip-Boy. Six-thirty. He checked the map, trying to guess what those Legion fucks would do. Peering north, he frowned at what looked like a line of smoke east of the shortest road to Novac. He didn’t remember a campsite in that area.
“Uncle! Uncle!” A shrill voice squealed. Must’ve been Pinkie surrenderin’ since the roughhousing died down. Good.
“Okay, uh, ladies,” Joe finally turned back to the shack, which was now more or less full of small equine, “Here’s the plan for today.”
Twelve huge eyes blinked at him attentively.
“Now, we got someone campin’ a bit too close for my likin’, just east o’ the short road to Novac. See the campfire smoke? Dunno who it is, but I got my ideas.”
“Legion?” Twilight asked in dismay, blinking somewhat baggy eyes.
“Could be. Thing is,” and he hunkered down, plucking a dried stem of grass from the ground, and poked at the screen of his Pip-Boy. “We’re about here. Now over east,” the stem slid across and slightly up, “Cottonwood Cove. The Legion’s main base on this side of the Colorado. Used to be an NCR camp at this big junction here, but the Legion nuked it somehow. Nothin’ but radiation an’ ghouls. So we ain’t goin’ that way.
“But the road north of here has,” his grass stem tapped a point about halfway along, “Station Charlie. Those Ranger boys keep the place ‘civilised’, or in straight talk, they deal to any troublemakers. So what I reckon is this.” He regarded the bags under Twilight’s eyes; evidently that magic she did last night had really taken it out of her. “We all keep to the ground until we’re over the rise… about that point, then it's just a steady downhill to the station. Should be straight walkin’ to Novac an’ a room or three for the night after that.”
“I heard gunshots last night,” Rainbow added.
“That’s good,” Joe smiled, “with any luck those bastards’ll be busy with tendin’ their wounds an’ getting’ disciplined, so we’ll have a clear run.”
“Actually…” Twilight frowned, “I think I could…”
“Nope. Just lookin’ at you, you’re still mighty wiped. What happens if we zap over to that rise there an’ someone’s waitin’? Or somethin’. It’s better if we stick to the ground, look like a regular pack train…”
A short-rationed and unsatisfying breakfast later, Joe and the ponies headed down towards the road, where they were greeted by a real pack train. More accurately, three mercenaries walking point, who promptly aimed their weapons at them.
“Stop right there!” It was pretty clear that the speaker, done up in a ratty merc suit which featured a bandolier almost as prominently as his gulping adam’s apple, was on edge. “Don’t come any closer! Uh, friend or –”
“Friend!” The sudden appearance of a violently pink and grinning pony at point blank range caused the poor fellow to yell in shock and drop his gun. “I’m Pinkie Pie and that’s Haversack Joe and Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and Applejack and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and what’s your name?”
“Ah – ah – argle – urk,” was the hapless man’s response.
“Pleastermeacher Argle-Urk or can I just call you Argle? Cause we’ve met some real people with real weird names like Easy Peat and Boxcars and woah are those ponies behind you?”
“Uh…” For the record, the mercenary was actually called Max Load, after a bridge sign he’d seen ages ago, but now he’d be Argle for the foreseeable future.
Pinkie bounced over to the lead horse and stared. The roan giant took a backwards step at first, then lowered his head towards the mare, sniffing in a confused fashion. Whatever this thing was, it smelled like a fellow horse, even though it didn’t act like one.
“Are you a pony? ‘Cause I’m a pony too and my name’s Pinkie Pie so what’s yours say where’s your cutie mark or is it under all this baggage…”
Joe just watched the pack horse’s eyes start to roll and his ears go back. “Someone get her outa there afore she really spooks him,” he said quietly.
Pinkie’s diatribe was cut short when she discovered that she was sliding backwards, which was something to do with Rainbow pulling her by the tail (again) away from the big pony who, she now realised, was acting real nervous for some reason.
“What the fuck’s going on?” The voice preceded the appearance of a rawboned woman in a battered duster and a faded red cap with goggles resting above the brim. A rifle was grasped in long dark fingers. “There’d better be a damn good… hey. You’re those weird ponies from Goodsprings.”
“That’s right,” Joe replied, “we’re about to gun north for Novac.”
“Same here. Did you see what happened to Nipton?”
“Goddamn Legion. We think they’ve a camp nearby. Damn near bailed us up in the general store before…” he shrugged.
“Shit. Need company?” The merchant’s fingers tightened on her rifle. “One guy and six little ponies ain’t much chop against those fuckers.”
“Can’t argue with that,” Applejack chimed in, “Let’s go before those motherbuckers spot us.”
Her friends gaped at her in utter shock. They’d never heard such foul language from the hard-working earth pony before. Applejack just stood looking unrepentant, and not a little stressed.
“Sounds like a plan,” Joe said. “In fact, I’ve got an idea…”
Shortly thereafter, two Legion recruits’ day went from bad to worse.