//------------------------------//
// Chapter 8: Yet More Issues 
// Story: Pessimism and Sarcasm 
// by Jerec the Ascendant 
//------------------------------//


Pessimism and Sarcams


Chapter 8


Yet More Issues


"Twilight, please don't tell anyone else about that! I didn't mean to do that, you just reminded me of my dog, and well - just don't tell anyone please!"

"So, you think of me like some animal!" Twilight switches from wanting more scratching to simply angry, and I can't blame her.

"No, I didn't mean to say it like that. I don't only scratch my dog!” I have no idea what I’m saying. “Sometimes I scratch my mom’s back when she's feeling down or whatever. Look, I'm sorry, but the way you scratched yourself just reminded me of my dog. I wasn’t comparing you two."

She smiles and I relax. "I get what you mean, don't worry. I forgive you." She then gives me a mischievous grin and winks. "About not telling anypony though, I don't know if I can keep that a secret.” A giggle slips from her muzzle and she continues, “I mean, that felt really good - much better than it does with hooves - and I'm certain my friends would love to know about it." Blackmail is illegal, you know. 

"You wouldn't."

She winks again. "Or would I?” Then she gasps, her pupils quickly shrinking, then growing again. “You should talk to Aloe and Lotus. I bet they'd give you a job if you gave them a scratch behind the ears too! You'd definitely increase the number of visitors to the Ponyville spa!"

"No way! I am not going to be massaging ponies!"

She huffs in frustration. "Ooh, why not?"

I shudder while I explain. "Well I don't want a job which can basically be described as being paid to feel up ponies."

"’Feel up’?" Her face is confused again as she contemplates just what the phrase could mean.

"Never mind. But a job does sound like a good idea. Know of any places currently looking to hire a human?"

After prying Twilight away from my laptop, we spend the afternoon job-hunting through Ponyville.

"Really, I said I didn't want to get a job at the spa.” As it turns out, a massage pony is not just one of the only available jobs around here, but the employers are also the only ponies willing to hire me. I let out a groan as Twilight and I leave the spa. At least the hiring process was simple: walk in, talk for a moment, give a demonstration, hired. They also gave me a very flexible schedule. But still, did it have to be there?

"I think they were especially willing to hire you after you scratched just under their withers. I loved that part too. How did you know that they would like that?"

"My dog really likes being scratched just under her shoulder blades, too."

"So all your experience is based off your dog?"

"Pretty much. She also likes it when someone scratches her back above where her tail starts, and she loves belly rubs. However, I will avoid those as much as possible."

"Why?" She looks so disappointed.

"Based on my dog’s reaction to the back scratch, I'd half expect to receive marriage proposals. The belly rubs on the other hand will expose me to certain things I just don't want to see." We get back to her library and go inside.

Twilight rolls her eyes, turning to me. "I doubt it feels that good. I wouldn't ask you to marry me just over a scratch."

"Well, I’m glad you feel that way, because I'm not going to demonstrate."

"Oh, come on, please."

"No."

"I promise I won't react like you said."

"No."

"What if I promised not to peek over your shoulder as you use your laptop tonight or tomorrow?"

"Make it a Pinkie promise and you have yourself a deal."

"Okay..." With a sigh, she recites the mantra and performs the ritualistic actions.

"Alright, the deal has been sealed. You ready then?" I ask, cracking my knuckles.

She twitches at the sound, then giggles and says, "Ready."

I come around to her side and put my hand on top of her flank, just above her tail and started to scratch - just like I’d do to my dog. As soon as I start, Twilight’s eyes widen. She gasps out an “Oh my!" Almost as soon as I start, I stop, and when I do she looks at me with one of the saddest faces I've ever seen.

"More, please."