The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.
Chapter 118 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Roundup
-ooooooo-
Pinkie smiles up at Dan as he set a massive plate piled high with cookies in front of her.
“Here,” Dan said as he tossed an angry glance inChris’s direction. “We somehow managed to scrounge up enough dough to make several dozen cookies despite jerk-face’s constant attempts to feed his jerk face.”
“Oh, it’s alright,” Pinkie said cheerfully before she continued munching on the cookie already in her hand.
Chris rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Sorry, it’s just that cookie dough is soooo good.”
Dan turned to Elise, who was still busy walking from window blind to window blind, looking out for any potential threats. “You better hope your better half never has to choose between you and food. Otherwise, you’re toast, sister.”
Elise rolled her eyes as she continued to look outside. “I’m sure Chris—”
“Chris has sold me out for a pie on more than one occasion!” Dan quickly interjected.
Elise went quiet and tossed a sideways glance at Chris.
“Okay, I didn’t sell Dan out!” Chris insisted. “I just felt it was in everyone’s best interest that I finish the pies I was given before helping Dan.”
Dan narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, but Pinkie was quicker to speak up. “How the hay is you eating pies while Dan is locked out of his home or trapped in a strange apartment in his best interest?!”
Dan merely smiled.
Ninja Dave winced as he pulled another tray of cookies from the oven. “Geez dude, you must have dun goofed if Pinkie’s taking shots at you.”
Chris sighed heavily. “… Yeaaah….”
Elise shook her head. “Look, can we get this show on the road? It certainly doesn’t look like anyone suspicious is coming to the shop or setting up an ambush.”
“Just a second, Elise!” Pinkie said. She turned to Dave. “Can anyone who works in the food industry try to join NARF…? Hehehehehe…”
Dave sighed and rolled his eyes. “Pretty much, yeah. Just so long as an existing NAR—I mean N.A.R.F. member lets them know about the organization's existence…”
“Wait,” Dan said. “So I could join? And so could Monkey-face?”
Chris frowned as he walked in front of the counter. “But I don’t want—”
“Quiet, Monkey-face!” Dan snapped. “You don’t get to vote.”
Chris’s frown increased as he turned to Elise.
Elise merely shrugged. “I think joining a shadowy organization could be good for you, sweetie!” She smiled. “And we’d have more to talk about as well!”
Chris released a defeated sigh as he hung his head.
“You could totally apply,” Dave said to Dan. “In fact…” Dave glanced away for a second as he thought about this. He smiled. “In fact, the whole bakery could try out! The tests are a little less brutal for teams joining… But do you think they’re up for the challenge?”
Dan smiled. “We’ve assembled a team of employees equal parts psychotic and dedicated! Many grossly overqualified for their positions!”
“Also Gibson!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
Dan nodded. “And Gibson…” He paused and scrunched his brow as he tried to stare up at it. He turned to Pinkie. “Who?”
“Uh… The kid who keeps hitting on every pretty girl that walks into the bakery…” Pinkie replied.
“Oh, him…” Dan replied. “Wait… He hasn’t had a panic attack that caused him to run outside screaming ‘Make it stop!? Make it stop!?’ yet?”
Pinkie shook her head. “Noper!”
Elise shot Chris an inquisitive look.
“Last week was rough,” Chris said simply.
Dan shrugged. “Eh, I’m sure he’ll make good cannon fodder.”
“Dan!” Chris cried. “No one is going to be shooting at us.” He turned to Dave. “Right?”
Dave merely shrugged, causing a crestfallen look to appear on Chris’s face.
“Anyhow,” Dan continued, “I’m positive our mish-mash merry band of crazy misfits can handle a few tests. I mean, if they can handle the morning rush at the bakery, they can probably handle just about anything.”
Dave nodded. “Sounds good to me, but are you sure you can get everyone together on such short notice?”
Dan’s lips began to pull open slowly into a wicked grin of pointed teeth. “Oh, don’t worry about that… I have a plan…”
-ooooo-
“Wally,” Dan began, “I need everyone to stop whatever stupid thing they’re doing and come with me to apply for membership to a shadowy foodservice organization, otherwise Pinkie has to eat cookies forever or she might be killed.”
The balding, bespectacled man stared up at Dan from his desk. Pinkie, Ninja Dave, Becky, Elise, and Chris all stood behind Dan, completely silent aside from a brief “Omn.” as Pinkie took a bite out of a cookie.
“… Okay.” Wally replied. He stood up from his desk. “I’ll let everyone know. We were just about done closing up, anyhow…”
“Huh, that was easy,” Becky stated.
Wally shrugged. “This isn’t even close to the weirdest thing Dan and Pinkie have come to me with,” he said as he walked out of the office.
Dan turned to Chris and Elise and shot the pair an annoyed expression. “See how efficient everything is when someone just believes me right off the bat.”
Chris and Elise frowned.
“In our defense,” Chris began, “Uhhh…” He turned to Elise. “Help me out here, honey.”
Elise scrunched her lips to the side of her face and glanced up at the ceiling briefly. “Yeah… er… I got nothing,” she admitted.
The group followed Wally out of the office.
“Alright everyone,” Wally said. “Pinkie needs our help so she can stop eating cookies and not be killed.”
Gibson and Amber stopped their cleaning of the dining room area and both stared up with confused expressions on their faces.
Gibson stopped wiping down a table.
Amber stopped mopping. “… What?!”
Pinkie nodded. “It’s true, Amber!” Pinkie cried in a slightly distressed tone. “I’m now marked for death by NARF! Pffffft… HeheheheheheheHahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”
The situation now explained to her, Amber formulated an appropriate response. “… What?!”
“Look, this is incredibly simple!” Dan cried. “Pinkie was attacked at a restaurant, we escaped after I beat the heck out of our waiter who tried to kill her, and then we drove to Ninja Dave’s” — Dan motioned out to Ninja Dave who smiled, waved, and said “Yo.”— “Who told us the National Association of Restaurants Foundation has marked Pinkie for death because she continuously delivered some well-deserved vengeance upon a Lenny’s employee, but because Ninja Dave technically has to kill Pinkie via N.A.R.F. code after she finishes eating, she has to keep eating cookies. However, since we’re all members of the foodservice industry we qualify to join, and if we become members Pinkie will no longer be a target of the organization and also we’ll maybe get to kill people that bug us.”
At the last line, Pinkie’s eyes widened and she whimpered.
“… What?!” Amber replied.
“Pinkie’s been marked for death?!” Gibson cried in a slightly panicked tone as he walked up to the front counter. “No! I refuse to believe it!”
Dan nodded. “Sad, but true… uh… you…”
“But… but… bazongas!” Gibson responded as he motioned out to Pinkie’s chest.
Amber sighed heavily and shook her head as she also walked up. “Gibson, if you ever want a girlfriend, it’s in your best interest that you never use that word ever again.”
Dan frowned as he stared at Gibson. “I’m going to stab you now.”
Elise quickly produced her sheathed ninjatō and handed it to Dan. “Here, use this.”
“Uh… sorry…” Gibson said. “I shouldn’t have—”
Dan removed Elise’s sword from its scabbard.
‘Shiiiiing!’
“Whoa! I said I was sorry!” Gibson cried.
Pinkie quickly stepped in between Dan and Gibson and held an open palm and a cookie in front of her. “Wait! We might need him for the tests!”
Dan contemplated this briefly. “Fine, I’ll just stab him a little bit.”
Gibson quickly ducked behind Pinkie. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
“No stabbing!” Pinkie said.
Dan and Elise exchanged glances briefly. “But…”
“NO STABBING!” Pinkie cried in a shrill tone.
Dan sighed and sheathed Elise’s sword. He handed the weapon back to her.
Gibson breathed a sigh of relief as he remerged from behind Pinkie.
“Can I at least punch him in the face?” Dan asked.
Pinkie nodded. “Yes you may…” she answered before taking another bite of her cookie. “Omn.”
Gibson frowned. “Wait—”
‘POW!’
“OW!”
Dan retracted his fist. “Good, now where’s Sarge?”
“Right here, sir,” Sarge said as he walked out of the kitchen, an apron over a black t-shirt and green camo pants, and his arm still in a sling, D.H. and Crunchy close behind him.
“New mission, sir?” Sarge asked.
Dan nodded. “We’re going to infiltrate a secret organization of foodservice workers.”
“Well not so much infiltrate,” Ninja Dave corrected, “more ‘I’m going to just take you there and then you all are going to apply for membership’.”
Sarge smiled and nodded. “You have my bell.”
Amber stepped forward. “And my Tae Bo.”
“And my Axe,” Gibson said with a grin as he reached into his pocket and produced a small, cylindrical metal spray bottle.
Everyone turned and gave Gibson a blank stare.
“Oh, come on! That was gold and you all know it!” Gibson cried.
Becky knitted her brow slightly. “So, do you just carry that around in the hopes you can make that joke, or—”
Gibson’s face lit up as he noticed the tan woman in the pink shirt that read ‘NERD’. He wasted no time stepping up to her and taking one of his hands in his. “Hello,” he said, his voice dropping slightly. “Name’s Gibson, I sing and play the guitar.”
‘Shiiiiing!’
Gibson’s eyes widened as he recognized the sounds of a sword being drawn for the second time that night.
“Uh… My boyfriend is a ninja, dude,” Becky informed as she nodded to Ninja Dave.
Gibson turned towards Dave, paying special attention to the ninjatō Dave had unsheathed.
Dave shot Gibson a warning look.
Gibson slowly let go of Becky’s hand and stepped back. “Why does everyone have swords today?!” Gibson cried. “And why is it all the pretty girls are in relationships already or Amber?”
Amber pursed her lips. “I’m not sure… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to that…”
Gibson winked at her. “Anyway you want to, baby.”
Amber narrowed her eyes. “… What?”
Crunchy turned to D.H. “So what do we have?”
D.H. stared up at the ceiling briefly with one eye and down at her nose with the other. “I think we have a can-do attitude,” she answered.
“Huh… radical,” Crunchy replied.
“Alright!” Dan began. “Now that the troops are assembled…To the Dan mobile!” he announced dramatically.
Chris raised an eyebrow. “Alright, I’m not sure if you mean your car or Elise’s and my car, but either way there’s…” Chris trailed off as he took a quick head count. He silently mouthed numbers as his finger drifted over the group of people. “…Twelve people here. We’ll need at least three cars.”
Dan paused and announced, “… To the Dan mobiles! Wait…” He turned to Ninja Dave. “Where are we going?”
“There’s an N.A.R.F. base under downtown’s LA County Health Services building,” Dave explained.
Dan gasped. “Downtown?! That means we’ll have to pay for parking! Does their evil know no bounds?!”
Dave sighed. “Just… just let’s go and everyone try not to die.”
Pinkie smiled. “That’s the plan!” she said before taking a bite out of her cookie.
“Oh my…” Wally replied.
“… What?!” Amber cried.
Gibson’s eyes widened. “Wait, die?!”
Sarge saluted with his left hand. “You can count on me, sir.”
“Alright, brah!” Crunchy said with a smile.
“Wheeee! Adventure time!” D.H. cried.
Chris just shook his head. “Same stuff, different day…”