Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle

by shortskirtsandexplosions


Rocks

I'm nearly finished with typing out an e-mail across my holoboard when I suddenly get a message screaming at me with translucent brilliance. I wince slightly, then sigh once I see who it's from. Leaning on the edge of my sofa, I point at the message and drag my gloves apart, maximizing the document in the middle of my living room.

Making a fist and spreading my fingers, I open the text, then blink confusedly at the short message: "I've got something super awesome to show you. Top floor of the spire. Upper balcony. Be there in 5. Don't be late, sweet-toes."

I raise an eyebrow, then groan.

"The Hell is this about...?"

With a flick of my gloved wrist, I return to my e-mail. I've completely lost my train of thought and don't know how to finish the document.

"Nnnngh... Zoram damn it."

I sit there for a few seconds, then ultimately roll my eyes. I quick-save the e-mail, then slide my gloves off. The holoscreens vanish as I place the items down onto the nearby table, grab a coat, and shuffle out my front door.

It's a bright, purple day. The air buzzes with hovercraft as I make my way to the lift and press the console button for the topmost floor. I watch through the glass windows as the Sprawl undulates below me. The spire that houses my apartment curves towards the top, so that it feels like flying backwards as I make my way to the summit.

Within a minute, I've reached my destination. The doors open with a ding, and I squint into the high winds as I walk out onto the skyscraper's top balconies. To my left and right, artificially grown ferns bend and flounce with the breeze. A chill runs through my body as I ascend the granite steps to the topmost level, hugging myself through my jacket sleeves.

Above me, Jupiter occupies the bulk of the sky. Its swirling eddies drift magnificently across its latitudes in liquid motion. I see the sphere of Io floating between us, its large body forming a dark spot against the planet's nebulous surface. It's such a serene and peaceful moment. I can only be alone.

"Where in Titan's forges is he?" I look about.

"Aluminium silcates..."

I jump in place, then glance straight down. "H-huh?!"

"Siliceous pozzolanic ash..." A gray hoof runs across the concrete surface of the balcony behind us. "It must be what makes the hydraulic process possible," a voice drones, followed by a pair of turquoise eyes that take a full three-and-a-half seconds to blink. She tilts her muzzle up at me, her gray deadpan face framed by straight violet bangs. "For mass human cementing."

I blink back. "Uhhhhhh..."

She stares up at me. Again, a long and liquid blink. Her eyelids are colored the same as her mane and tail. A baggy yellow hoodie clings to her petite figure.

I squirm uncomfortably. Clearing my throat, I ask, "And you are...?"

"Made of carbon and mostly water," she murmurs in a dull, lifeless voice. I detect no bitterness or joy. It's just a sound, a sound that's attached to a pony's soft, motionless head. "And this rooftop balcony is angled at a three percent grade, declining towards the northeast."

"Uhm..." I gulp and scratch my head. "You don't say..."

"Ha!" A familiar voice barks behind me. I turn to see my next-door neighbor bounding around the corner with a spring to his step. "Surpriiiiise!" Aynrandy stands besides the pony, pointing with two wildly gesturing arms. "What do you think? Eh? Ehhhh?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Told you I'd win that raffle, smarty-ruffles!" He winks. "Looks like you're not the only one to have a pony now!"

"I can see that."

"Well, don't just stand there!" Aynrandy kneels and scoops the mare up in his arms. He stands in front of me, cradling the deadpan pony like a little gray cat. "Say hello to my new bestest best friend in the whole solar system! Mable!"

"It's Maud Pie," she drips.

"Whatever." He winks at me. "Cute as the dickens, though, isn't she?"

"Well... Ayn..." I brush my bangs back and smile awkwardly. "She certainly is... uhh... lively."

"Iknowright?!" Aynrandy bites his lip, squealing inwardly as he rocks the little thing and brushes back its mane. "I never thought a heartbeat could be so tiny... so precious. Zoram help me—I'm all gooey in my cyberplugs!"

"Aynrandy is also made of carbon and mostly water," Maud Pie murmurs, lying back in his arms with her forelimbs curled listlessly against her yellow-clad chest. "Only, he has even more carbon and water, because he is large." A three-and-a-half-second-blink. "And I am not."

"Sounds like my friend, alright." I say. Stepping forward, I squat down until my eyes are level with the mare's. "Hello there, Maud. Do you know Applejack?"

"There's a pony by that name who spends time with my sister," Maud says.

"Hah!" Aynrandy grins. "Can you imagine that? Whew! Small stable, am I right?"

"She let me peel apples with her once," Maud says. "And then she stopped letting me peel apples. We all sat down and drank cider together. It tasted like apples."

"Well, that certainly sounds..." I fidget. "...festive."

"Yeah, well, okay..." Aynrandy shrugs. "So she's a little bit dull on the surface. But the moment you get her talking about geology?" He winks. "She's a veritable bag of fluff and giggles."

"I'm told that Ganymede once had an iron-rich liquid core that was mostly surrounded by frozen water. Then humans terraformed it and covered the oceanic surfaces with broad titanium plates stacked with artificial topsoil." Maud Pie blinks icily. "I am positively thrilled to witness such an engineering marvel."

"See what I m-mean?" Aynrandy sputters with a nervous smile.

"Pretty much." I glance at him. "Are you the only one who...?"

He shakes his head. "Nope. A few others got new prototypes as well." He smirks and reaches down to finger the tag of the hoodie. "Article Zero Point One, Sweetiekins." He winks. "Last time I heard, there were at least six new outfits being beta tested."

"Six...?" I gulp and hug myself in the chilling wind. I glance aside. "I see..."

"Hey! Don't look so glum! It's all for the best, y'know! Already, they've made several vast improvements with the latest models! And guess who gets to demonstrate them?"

"Uhhhh..."

"That's partly why I brought you up here."

"It is?"

"Check this out, bright-eyes!" Aynrandy smirks and pets Maud's head. "Hey, Marilyn!"

"Maud Pie."

"You ready for that killer sweet test we talked about?"

She stares dully up at him. "I have never been more prepared for anything in my life."

"Alrighty then!" Aynrandy spins his body and tosses Maud clear off the balcony. "Aaaaaaand away!!"

I gasp the full extent of my lungs out through my gaping mouth. "Ayn!" I plow past him, scrambling for the balcony's ledge. "Have you lost your damned mind?!"

"Uhhhh..." He taps his chin, shrugging. "Months ago when we had that drinking game on Callisto, remember?"

I'm too busy scrambling down the steps to the lower balcony. I glance over the side in time to see Maud's tiny gray body plunging to the rock-hard platform below. "Oh jeez... oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez!"

Scampering against the high winds, I rush around a flight of steps and practically hop my way down to the lower level. At last, I reach the impact sight, breathless. My shoes scuffle against the ground and I stand in place, numb. "What... it... but... how...?"

Maud is gone, but her hoodie isn't. The Article lies flat and empty on the concrete, its sleeves fluttering in the wind.

"But she just... I-I swear I saw her..."

"Heeeee!" Aynrandy slides down the concrete banister and lands beside me. "Smextastic, isn't it?" He squats down and lifts the empty hoodie, flinging it between us like a cape. "Brand new built-in safety measures!" His bright smile reflects the yellow of the Article. "The on-board fiber computer detects dangerous hazards and overrides the trans-dimensional cohesion buffers!"

"Then... then..." I run a sweaty hand through my hair. "You mean she's..."

"Yup! Safe and sound back in Dirgemane! Duffmuck? Pffft... Whatever the Hell her hometown is called." He cups a hand around his mouth and whispers, "She farms rocks, can you believe it?"

I simply glare at him.

"Don't give me that face!" He smirks. "I'm cuddling ponies! For science! Just like you!" A slight chuckle. "Speaking of which..." He spreads the hoodie out. "Check this shit out. Ahem... Bring me pony."

Fl-Flash!

Maud materializes, lying on her back with her legs folded skyward. "That was the very definition of intense."

"Welcome back, Megan!" Aynrandy picks her up and sets her down gently on her hooves before scratching lightly behind her ears. "How'd it go on your end?"

"I appeared on the front porch in a halo of light," she drones. "My mother shrieked and caused the rain gutters to fall." A long blink. "It was funny."

"See? New security measures! Voice authorization!" He smirks up at me while ruffling the pony's violet mane. "She couldn't possibly be happier... or safer!"

"Wow, those are some... uhm..." I smile awkwardly. "...fancy improvements."

"No doubt thanks to the notes that you took with Orangejizz."

"Applejack," Maud Pie drones.

"Right. My bad."

Maud gazes thinly up at me. "Aynrandy says that soon I'll be able to bring living matter with me in the pockets of this jacket."

"Oh!" I smile. "Like flowers or cooked food?"

"My pet." She blinks. "He's a rock." She blinks again. "His name is Boulder."

I stare at her for a good few seconds. I then turn and grin plastically at my friend. "Looks like you're on the verge of a glorious new horizon, Ayn."

"You know it, darling!" He picks Maud up and cradles her gently as he stands beside me. "But it's not all experiments and spreadsheets, y'know. Maud specifically volunteered for this little shindig, and I'm totally gonna make it up to her!"

She neutrally gazes my way while being petted. "Aynrandy has promised to show me Phobos, an irregularly shaped moon in declining orbit around the planet Mars." A blink. "It's essentially a giant rock." An even longer blink. "I like rocks."

"Heh..." I stifle a giggle. "I had no idea."

"And don't you worry. I've been saving up for such a trip for ages now." Aynrandy smirks. "I knew I delayed all that vacation time for a reason. Plus, the Viking is super friendly about it, especially since I told him that I won the raffle."

"Ayn..." I sigh, shaking my head. "How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call our boss—"

"And when I get back, you'll join us at the picnic, right?"

I blink awkwardly. "Picnic?"

"Oh! Uhm..." Ayn blushes slightly. "I mean we're totally having a picnic!" He grins. "Rushlimbaugh and Piersmorgan from the film crew have already responded to my e-mails!"

"What, they won the raffle too?"

"Yup! And you can bet your fannie they're bringing some adoracute poni poni poni with them!"

"That... uh..." I adjust the sleeves of my jacket. "That sounds kind of pleasant, actually..."

"You should totally bring Acrejam!"

"Heh..." I smirk. "I'll ask Applejack about it first, thanks."

"And I will bring Boulder," Maud Pie murmurs, then glances up at my neighbor. "Aynrandy, do you think it will be okay if I bring Boulder?"

"Heh... you can bring a friggin' avalanche, for all I care."

"Good. Because Boulder likes to be in the outdoors." She leans calmly into Ayn's chest, staring off into the Sprawl's skyline. "So long as I'm around, I promise he won't bite anypony."

"Stranger things have happened this side of Uranus."

"Just answer me one thing, Ayn." I walk towards the two, cocking my head curiously aside. "With this latest bunch of prototypes being given out—have they changed the date of the broadcast at all?"

"What, you mean for the public reveal?"

"Right..."

"Beats the heck out of me. I'm just glad I got some cuddles of my own out of it." He smirks. "Maybe you should ask the Viking."

"Eugh... I dunno..."

"Pfft. Not like he's gonna give you a fresh hatchet wound or anything!" He turns and shuffles off with the tiny mare in his grasp. "Come along, Minerva. We've got ourselves a giant-ass rock named after a Greek god of Terror to catch!"

Her tail makes a tiny, tiny flicking motion. "I am beside myself with ecstasy."