//------------------------------// // A Dash of Conversation // Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. // by OneUppington //------------------------------// “It'll be fine, dude.” Rainbow Dash quips as she flaps around me. “Just explain what happened to this Octavia chick. I'm certain she can speak Equestrian.” “Oh yes, good idea. I'll just rock up to the restaurant and say 'Hey! Look, I'm sorry but I don't actually speak Neightalian; I'm just a freak of nature who has some special genetic disorder which makes me shout out random words in a different fucking language!' Does that sound believable to you, Dash?” “... I hate to say that's good point...” I roll my eyes at the stupidity of the Wonderbolt wannabe. I would believe that miss Rarity would be better discussing this particular predicament. She, however, ran off back to her place to work on my suit for tonight. So all I got to solve my problems with at the moment now is the jock of the group. “... But you can't lie to her! Do you want to be the colt who lies on the first date?” Huh. The jock has a point. “And besides, you have to tell her sometime. Why not as soon as possible? Sure, this Cutie Ma- I mean, Confused Magic Condition might not be a decent dinner conversation but she might need to know a little bit about it before you have a surge in Ponyville's most highly awarded restaurant.” I can't help but sigh at how right she is. And they say Twilight's the bucking egghead. “... okay.” “Now c'mon. Fluttershy wants you over at her house this morning. Says she's found something.” I start heading for the door. “It better be something that makes the day nice and slow-paced. I don't think I can take another day like yesterday. Moved to a new place, got adopted by royalty, Found out what I was suffering with all my life along with a couple of more symptoms to worry about...” … And let's not forget that dream which I will take to my grave before I tell anypony. “Yesterday was definitely not a good day to give up drinking, huh?” Rainbow Dash quips. “You can thank Applejack for the routine idea.” Speaking of the routine, I wonder if they knew I drank the sake last night. “Really? Well it looks like Apple family cider will be the first drink tonight.” There are two looks I fear; one is when somepony has a plan, the other is the one Rainbow Dash is aiming into my left eye right now. The 'good luck eating those words without teeth' look. “So Twilight giving you some of Emperor Divekick's sake last night doesn't count, does it?” ...Well, it was worth a shot. Quick, Woundsalt, say something funny before she breaks your face. “Oh, that was sake? I thought it was liquid propane! Seriously, does the great emperor of Neighpon smoke forty cigarettes a day?” “Pretty much.” Rainbow whispers with her teeth still clasped together. “I know he went through five during Twilight's coronation and that's just the ones I saw him have.” Well, that explains a lot. “Either way though, do NOT lie to me or anypony about your drinking.” The Dash states. “Especially me. I volunteered to be the one to make sure the routine's on track. Twilight has given me some things to test your alcohol...ness. And if the tests say you've been against the routine...” She put her hooves together with a horrible smack. “Understand, Salty?” Brutality. And here I thought the pegasi want to keep their Chariotoran roots a secret. Didn't particularly help she said the word 'understand', neither. Still, if I did start shit with the Elements they can do some terrible things to me. I bet all of them can kick my flank; even Fluttershy. You'd think all the shit I cause in the Western Canterlot bars would make me a good fighter, but if anything it made me a terrible lover. “I got you.” I might need to change the subject to something she can't hit me for. “So, what is the plan for these lessons? Kindess in the morning, followed by some Honesty after lunch, and since I got to be at the Carousel Boutique this evening Generosity to finish up?” The pegasus' face turns from threatening to embarrassed. “Well... kinda. You will be heading to Shy, AJ and Rarity's today; but not for lessons. The plan is you're gonna be learning about friendship the same way we did.” “So I'm stuck here waiting for an incident to happen and after a decent time of fucking around I solve it with a new thing I've learned and then write about it to Twilight?” “... Yeah.” “Well, okay then.” I got to say, things are being more laid-back than I thought it would be. Not that I'm complaining, of course. “So, today is what exactly?” “Today is just us getting to know you. Same goes for Tomorrow, too. But after that...” The cyan filly looks around and then whispers into my ear. “Me and the girls are planning to surprise Twilight by being at the Princess Summit in The Crystal Empire. So you're going to be by yourself for a few days.” Oh sweet Celestia... “Y-you mean you're going to leave me here unattended?” She smiles. “only for a few days. Besides, if you did do something terrible while we're gone, somepony is going to tell us about it. Small Neighbourhood, y'know?” So they are going to use town gossip as some kind of surveillance system? “I can see that failing in a whole lot of ways. For starters, how are you going to separate what happened from the rumours of what didn't happen? Secondly, What if nopony saw me do anything nefarious? Thirdly, what if they all went up and killed me and just told you I ran off into the forest? Fourthly...” “While we're gone, you're allowed to go against the routine.” “I think the plan is perfect.” The Dash can't help but to giggle. “You're a funny guy, Wound. That Octavia is gonna love ya, Neightalian or no Neightalian.” “I hope so” I sigh. “Do you know anything about her?” “Myeh.” she shrugs. “Just a rumour.” “What kind of rumour?” “Well... there's some I overheard at the Canterlot Renter side of town is she and PON3 are... more... than roommates... if you know what I mean.” Clearly, she means lesbians. Funny how the pony most likely to be a float in a gay pride parade is afraid of the word lesbians. “Well, the fact her roommate planned this thing, it's safe to say that's bunked.” “True... but according to Rarity the Renter side of town things are more... open... than they should be.” I'm guessing she is talking about threesomes. I think she's trying to gross me out, but clearly she doesn't know what Saint Diamond Heart has done. I don't think it's going to happen anyway. This is Octavia Philharmonica were talking about here. I find it odd that she's even as close as roommates with Vinyl Scratch, yet alone what Rainbow's suggesting. “I'll try and keep that in mind.” Hmm... this might be a good time to ask a question I always had about Rainbow Dash. “Since we're on the subject of Sexual orientation; you don't mind me asking if-” “It's the hair, isn't it?” “Well, that and your sporty, tomboy attitu-” “I swear to Celestia, you have no idea how many times I have to answer this!” Rainbow cringed with nostrils flaring. “I was just born with a rainbow mane, that is all, but everywhere I go I have to be asked if I'm making some kind of statement about myself!” “Well, letting it be cut that short doesn't particularly help, nei-” “I haven't even bothered to ask that question to myself, yet all these poines coming up to me like 'Yo, I like your mane. Wanna go out with my sister? She's been through a hard break-up and is little curious right now.' WELL GUESS WHAT, BUDDY? I'M NOT CURIOUS AT ALL!” “Okay, Dash I got it. You're being a bit too loud right now. Ponies are starting to-” “I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CURIOUS EVEN MEANS!” “RAINBOW DASH!... … Now would you please calm the fuck down?” Well,That was my first magical surge in the public eye of Ponyville. A lot of eyes are onto the both of us. A sea of open mouths surrounds us. A great silence falls on all. Rainbow dash has a small smile, as if in thought. “... Okay. Thanks, Wound. you opened my eyes a little, there.” Huh... I was kind of expecting my muzzle to be inverted because she punched me so hard, but instead she's thanking me? “Uh... you're welcome?” … “You surged that entire speech you gave me, didn't you?” “I did, yes.” “Oh. Ah well, never mind. Not exactly one to repeat in public, to be honest.” Everypony snaps out of their state and continues on their merry way. “We better get going. It's just down this path to Shy's house.” The pegasus says as she starts to move. “Race ya!” "I'm not entirely sure that's a g-HEY WAIT UP!" “Huff, Haff, hee, hee, hee...” “What, are you a smoker as well as a drinker?” If I can get the energy to flip her the hoof I could, but I fear if I do any sudden movements my lungs are going to fall over the side of this bridge. I got to say, I like the look of Fluttershy's cottage. Well, I prefer any cottage over all the generic thatched-roof-cottages in town. No originality in those ones. This one has a grass roof, a nice little bridge out front and most importantly, far away from the other cottages. “Well, since we stopped here,” Rainbow says in a more serious matter. “I might need you to do something for me.” “W... Hee ... What?” “Don't bring up Chariotora while you're with Fluttershy, okay? She's sort of just found out that the most horrible highlight in the history of all pegasi actually exists.” Fair enough. Wasn't planning to, anyway. “Fine by me. One question though. How bad is Ironsight exactly? I mean, are we talking Sombre evil?” “Kinda worse, actually. Especially the Ironsightian horror stories Fluttershy's mom writes and what Fluttershy grew up on. Wordshy's books states that his heart somehow got away from the rest of the body and became the mother of the first changelings. Really horrific stuff.” Sounds like the latest album cover for the Germane metal band, HÜF. “What about the real Ironsight? I highly doubt he's evil enough for his blood-pumping organ to become mother to parasitic beasts.” “No... but when you have an entire wall built out of the heads of unicorns just so you can scratch an itch you can't reach; it doesn't take much imagination to make ponies think you are a pretty bad dude.” A wall of unicorn heads... Again, I swear that's a HÜF album if I ever saw one. Emperor Ironsight must've been the first metal head. “Anyway, I gotta go.” Rainbow says “I see some clouds off their schedule.” “Okay. Thanks for telling me what I need to know” She smiles at me. “Right back at ya, champ.” “... And what the buck is that suppose to- KOFF! HACK! KHEEEEEEEEEE...” Fucking Dustclouds.