by Fuzzyfurvert
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It's dark and stormy in Canterlot. Pretty typical, if you ask me.
Who am I? That’s not important right now. What’s important is that on a night like this you keep your head down, your drapes drawn and your mouth shut. Loose lips gets buildings burnt to the ground in this town, capisce?
Now shut up and let me tell you something.
Remember that big hullabaloo down by the train station the other night? Well, it weren’t no gas main explosion, that’s f’sure. I know. I was there.
You see, we got rules in this town. You want to do business, you gots to pay. Don’t matter if it’s gemstones or haydogs, everypony pays. So when this no nothin’ jabroni comes into town and starts selling this swill - miracle tonic he calls it - and he thinks he can skip town without paying, well…that’s when Don Celes sends in the Cleaning Crew.
You know who I’m talkin’ about. Sparkle’s girls and that little salamander of hers.
Well anyway, that scrub tries to skip out on the late train. Sparkle met him on the platform. Don’t believe what you see in the papers, she isn’t no psycho. She got her own code, ya dig? She met him there and she told him he could pay up and no harm would come his way. She gave him a nice and clear choice. Sparkle’s a real nice mare if you let her be and don’t go spoutin’ off.
She let him think about it while the rest of the crew got in position. Jabroni was a hornface, if you’ll excuse the old expression. Had to be prepared for anything.
Anyway, Sparkle, she faced him up front with her own horn out, but it weren’t winking. Don’t matter tho’, Sparkle’s the fastest shot in Canterlot. Maybe the whole dang country. She had her salamander on her shoulder of course. Thing’s intimidatin’ as hell when you get up close. I don’t which was growling louder or belchin’ more smoke, the train or the lizard.
So this jaborni, he’s dumb. He has this big case with him. We seen him lug it around while in town, stuffing all the bits he got from the sheep in it with his clothes. He drops it and says he’s going for the bits, and this idiot comes up with a tommy in his grip. Right dumb if he thinks that’ll save him!
We fall on him like rain! Hooves kickin’, wings flappin’, pies flyin’ every which way. Sparkle is cutting the platform and all that luggage apart with them magic beams of hers. The salamander is blowing fire like a tiny volcano. It’s gone to Tartarus in basket in the blink of an eye and it’s over just as fast. No pony stands against Sparkle’s Six for long.
Too bad ‘bout the train really. It caught a few too many hits. I had plans to visit ma’ out on the acres. Guess I’ll have to reschedule it now.
Anyway, we cleaned it up, like we always do. That’s why we run this town. We got the moxie. More of it than a pony has any right to, but hey, what you gonna do? Don Celes runs a tight ship.
The Don even came by to see us before the flames were even put out. Pulled up in that big golden studabaker of hers. Sparkle pranced right up to car and presented her with the jabroni’s bloody bits personally. I swear she even took a good whiff of the Don’s hoof when she did it. Sun knows we could smell her at twenty paces. I don’t know if it’s the work or the Don’s approval that brings it outta Sparkle, but the mare coulda put out the flames without magic if you catch my meanin’.
You wanna hear a secret?
Now...this is just between us, capisce? I hear you been flapping those lips of yours and you’ll be out in the fields with my ma’, helping with the apples and I don’t mean by buckin’ them either.
But when the Don’s around, Sparkle is this whole other mare. She gets downright sweet. She smiles for pete’s sake! When Don Celes calls she barks and wags her tail like a danged, adorable dog. I ain’t never laid eyes on it, but I got ears and you’d have to be deaf to not hear them hornfaces goin’ at it until the sun comes up! It’s creepy, seeing this cold blooded made mare turn into the Don’s moll like flippin’ a switch. That ain’t no exaggeration neither. You should see the way she lifts her tail and swings her hips while they just talk business. Makes no surprise, I guess, that there ain’t no flanktrade in town. The Don already gets the best action a pony could ask for. It’d be shameful if it weren’t so cute. I bet Sparkle’s a wildmare in bed. But I digress.
I just wish sometimes...sometimes, that somepony would do that stuff for me.
…
…
Oh well, that’s my story, Joe. Thanks again for the cuppa, and your payment for the month. I’ll let Don Celes know you’re being good to us, Joe. She’ll show you favor back, just like we discussed.
Where’s my hat? Ah, there we go.
Anyway, Joe, have a good night. Keep your head down and keep your mouth shut like I told you and we’ll be back for doughnuts after this here storm blows over.