//------------------------------// // Chapter 27 // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// “Dr. Lethe, all of the females in my life are troublesome for me,” Noctilucent proposed, opening the near daily dialogue between him and Dr. Lethe. “All of them. Even my two little filly foals. Even you. I can’t seem to catch a break.” “Are you blaming females for your troubles or are you simply troubled by females Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe inquired, scribbling something on a notepad as she did so, holding a silver pen in her grasping digit, pinching it against her central knuckle. “I am troubled by the females in my life,” Noctilucent clarified. “Would you care to expand on those thoughts Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe invited. “What troubles you?” “Dr. Lethe, before I begin, I guess I should confess, is it wrong that sometimes I want to be female? Sometimes I want to be female so I could be the kind supporting female sort that I’ve always wanted to look after me. Sometimes, sometimes more than anything I wish I had a pair of teats so I could be a good mother for Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus. And lately, with the female presences in my life being what they are, this feeling has been really strong. I’ve felt this way since I was a young colt and started becoming sexually curious. My grandmother made me so ashamed of what I was. From an early age I thought that if I was just a female, my troubles with rejection would go away and ponies would want me because females were desirable and males were just… wrong somehow,” Noctilucent stated. Dr. Lethe raised an eyebrow. More and more she was becoming aware of these moments, curious moments where Noctilucent had a dramatic personality shift, becoming childlike or feminine. No sign of strong aggression though, which was puzzling. Even now, Noctilucent’s mannerisms were strongly feminine, his posture, his attentiveness of the two foals on his bed, all very feminine. “Noctilucent my dear, there is nothing wrong with your desire to nurture and care, no matter how it might manifest. Ponies do sometimes transition their genders… but something tells me that isn’t what you really want, am I correct?” “I don’t know what I want. I feel so very confused sometimes. I think if I were female, I would like it a great deal if stallions were attracted to me. I think it would be easier for me to find acceptance if I were female. I could be the sort of mare that I have always wanted in my life.” “You had a troubling upbringing, and you continue to have troubles with the feminine influences in your life.” “I am a little upset with Princess Luna. She… I… when I was in that room and after everything that was said, I felt like she had betrayed me. She talks of love and support but when I needed her, she patronised me.” “Do you really believe that Noctilucent?” “She did nothing to comfort me on the way home. She just sat in the chariot, saying nothing, looking at me like I was some sad lump, and I really hated her for doing that. She treated me like I was some kind of foal in the hospital and when I dared to make the suggestion that the doctor might be wrong, she patronised me and then gave me the silent treatment and I think I hate her just a little bit for doing that. Why would she do that Dr. Lethe?” “I am not sure she did that Noctilucent.” “And now you’re doing it! Just like she did!” Dr. Lethe did not reply. She remained silent, refusing to be baited, hoping the situation would calm. She peered at Noctilucent and extended her shadow influence, trying to encourage a state of lucid near drowsiness that her unique shadow gifts allowed to her bring about in her patients. Noctilucent seemed to grow more and more resistant to her influence, and that troubled her. Nopony had ever had any kind of resistance to her before. When exposed to her shadow influence, ponies tended to bare their souls and speak of their most troubled thoughts, being in a near dreamlike state while awake. Dr. Lethe was unique among lunar pegasi. While all lunar pegasi were able to manipulate shadows to some extent, Dr. Lethe was able to manipulate the shadow within a pony, the dark and secret places. Her gift was as useful as it was metaphorical. “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to be angry. Look, can we just change the subject Dr. Lethe?” “What did you want to talk about Noctilucent?” “I don’t know what to do with Quirky. She confuses me. I think I love her, but I don’t know how to deal with her. She scares me. Last night, I told her my secret, and she went off and nearly burned me alive, and this morning I woke up with her in my bed and she was begging me to, uh, do things with her and crying.” “Quirky is a troubled sort. I am guessing she wanted to have sex with you?” “Yeah. She cried and begged me for it, and I don’t know how to deal with her. I didn’t do anything to her other than hold her. How do you deal with a flaming unicorn?” “The same way porcupines make love Noctilucent. Very carefully.” Noctilucent laughed, unable to hold himself back. He chuckled for several minutes, unable to contain himself. “You and Quirky could be very good for one another, or you could have a very toxic relationship. You are both fragile and injured.” “I want to be good for Quirky. I gave Pyrocumulus her name because I have hopes of Quirky and I being together. I want to help her. I have plans. Would it be alright if Quirky were to join our sessions? I mean if she agreed to it?” “I would have no problem with that,” Dr. Lethe agreed. “I must confess, I really wanted to take advantage of her when she threw herself at me. I feel weak and ashamed at the same time. I hate myself for wanting to give in and just take her. I wanted to dominate her for trying to burn me the night before. Now that I’ve thought about it, I have sorta managed to scare myself. I don’t like feeling this way. I wanted to make her cry and scare her like she scared me. I felt savage. After calming down and thinking about it, I had some of my thoughts about wanting to be a female again. To not be male. I don’t want to actually hurt Quirky and I feel betrayed by my own brain. If we were both female, we could just be friends without all these sexual tensions being in the way. I think.” “You don’t trust your masculinity?” “Well, no… I don’t. I guess I don’t. I wanted to hear her cry while I tore her apart! How could I trust myself after thinking that Dr. Lethe?” “Having these thoughts and acting upon them are two very different things my dear. To some degree, we all have these sorts of thoughts. They are a part of our being. Sex is just as much about domination and power as it is about making new foals. Would you like for me to be blunt with my advice?” “Sure, why not. What is the worst that could happen?” “Have hot sweaty sex with Quirky.” “WHAT?” Dr. Lethe raised her hoof and allowed Noctilucent to breathe for a few moments. She waited until he had calmed a little bit before continuing. “When the time is right, and you are both in a secure place within your relationship, spend the night together. Open yourself to her. Give freely of yourself. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. I think if you give yourself a chance, you will find that you can trust your masculinity. Your feelings towards her will change. I believe that you will become very protective of her, and hurting her will be the furthest thing from your mind. Answer me honestly, have you ever once wanted to hurt one of these foals? Even when they are being especially trying?” “Well, no. I couldn’t imagine hurting them,” Noctilucent replied, looking very thoughtful and pensive. “You have a lot of pent up sexual aggression and need. You have spent much of your life being rejected, shamed, and diminished. What you need is a healthy outlet to develop your sexuality and grow as a pony. In short, you need to get laid.” “You don’t think I don’t know that?” Noctilucent muttered in a low angry growl. Dr. Lethe once again observed the behavioural and personality shift in Noctilucent. Even as she watched, the anger and sudden ferocity melted away, and he became more of himself again. “I want to see Quirky pregnant,” Noctilucent blurted. “I think all stallions want to see mares they feel attracted to pregnant Noctilucent. That seems to be a very healthy response.” “I feel especially sexually attracted to Quirky when she is feeding the foals. Part of me wishes I was a foal again so I could be close to Quirky. I have all kinds of thoughts about it. I feel very conflicted actually about it all. Part of me wants to violently take her and have my way with her, and the other part of me wants her to mother me and let me suckle,” Noctilucent confessed, his white spots turning a lurid pink. “So when you are in a comfortable position to express such thoughts with Quirky, ask her about it. It could be a very pleasurable experience for both of you, an intimate moment of bonding and many mares enjoy having their teats suckled in a sexual manner.” “Really?” “Yes, I think you would be surprised Noctilucent.” “That isn’t perverted?” “No.” “I have a hard time believing that.” “I assure you, many mares find teat-play to be quite pleasurable.” “But teats are for foals.” “They are also sexual organs that can be pleasured.” “Does it arouse mares when foals suckle?” “Sometimes.” The room fell silent. Noctilucent was staring down at Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, a befuddled expression upon his face. The stallion extended his good wing and wiped beaded sweat from his brow. The notion of his foals arousing Quirky ignited a terrible fire in his mind. Noctilucent couldn’t deal with the notion, so he pushed it from his mind and tried not to think about it. “Speaking of foals, I have a problem Dr. Lethe.” “And that is?” “Princess Luna promised me to never take anything I love. Well, I love Biscuit. I love Graves. I love Arroyo. I love Cactus Blossom. I love Candy Corn. I love Sassafras. I want to keep them all. I don’t know if it is possible, but I want to keep them. I want to give them a home. I want to educate myself so I can help them. I don’t want to let them go. I think I can help them. I understand their pain and I want to make it better. I don’t know what I am doing, not yet, but I want the chance. Do you think Princess Luna would let me?” “Are you talking about wanting to run a long term therapeutic foster home for the foals?” “Is that what it is called?” “Yes.” “Then yes. I have started school to work towards that end.” “I know.” “As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to lose them while I work towards improving myself so I can help them. I think losing them would wreck me.” “So you have given over your entire life to try and help them?” “They deserve better than what they have.” “You surprise me sometimes Noctilucent. I will send word to Princess Luna and see if I can arrange a meeting.” “So then you think I am capable of this?” “Oh yes, I do. I intend to endorse this plan to Princess Luna. I think that it would be very good for everypony involved. And I know that the foals would be happy to have you as a caretaker.” “I am really relieved to hear you say that actually. I had some doubts about myself. I still do. Especially after how I just revealed how much of a pervert I am. I thought you would lecture me about how awful I was and tell me I was unfit to be a caretaker because of wanting to play with Quirky’s teats and everything else I told you.” “You don’t seem all that perverted to me Noctilucent. I’ve dealt with perverts. You are very tame and subdued in my experience.” “And you honestly don’t think that Quirky would try to burn me alive if I was to talk to her about this at some point?” “I think that Quirky would be very happy to hear that you desire her in that way if I were to hazard a guess.” “Dr. Lethe?” “Yes Noctilucent?” “I find myself attracted to Quirky when she is on fire.” “I am not entirely sure that is healthy Noctilucent.”