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// It's all ogre...for now. 
// Story: Miraak's super fun time extravaganza in the Land of Equestria 
// by BlackShadow94 
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	"...I still think you shouldn't have set that bookshelf on fire," Pinkie piped up after hours and hours of boring, dull, walking. So much walking.
"What the devil are you on about? Oh...right, that," Miraak began, his brain running the memory over like a VCR tape trapped on repeat for eternity. "That may have been a premature choice on my part," He winced as he realized the ramifications of his actions-and then it subsided.
"Bah, so I burned some of her books, what is she going to do? Carve a spear from wood and stone, and hunt me down through the forest crying bloody murder?"

In fact, that was exactly what was happening. For on the other side of the forest, Twilight and her band of friends hunted Miraak were great fervor. Or at least Twilight.
"Bloody murder!" Twilight screamed, pumping a spear into the air like a bloodthirsty shaman.
The rest of the gang had followed Miraak's tracks, striding justly through the dank, dark forest. Celestia and Luna had returned to Canterlot castle, ordering a large company of guards to search for the fiendish Miraak, above the skies and within the forest. Except, the guards were neither brave or foolish enough to go into the accursed place. It also didn't help that they weren't very well paid. Possibly due to the fact that Celestia was a greedy old alicorn, or at least that's what the peasants thought. 
And that is why there are no more peasants. An opinions are illegal. Them's the rules when you live under the reign of a technicolor horse tyrant.
Twilight in the meantime was busy sharpening a rather primitive, yet very effective spear, and was in the middle of a mental breakdown. She stomped ahead of the group, muttering some rather revolting things that would better remain unmentioned. Her friends hung back behind, following her slowly, all of them hesitant to even say anything. Rainbow should have known better, but as we all know...
...Rainbow is the sole embodiment of bad ideas. 
"You know, if you had just let me roast him over a open fire, we wouldn't be in this mess, but noo-" Rainbow was promptly interrupted as Twilight teleported right in her face, her eyes literally on fire.
"Uh...never mind." Rainbow squeaked.
"Twi, don't you think you're taking this all a bit too personal?" Applejack said, eyeing a large branch above her for in the case Twilight irrevocably snaps.
"Of course I'm taking this personally, because it is! He burned my books! And I'm gonna turn him into my doormat!" Twilight screeched, continuing to sharpen her spear obsessively.
Rarity, realizing she may be the only other hope to bringing Twilight back to reality, since Fluttershy was, at the moment, having a near panic attack, spoke.
"Dear, I know this might sound obtuse," Rarity hesitated. "but, they are just books." The moment these words left her lips, everyone froze right there, and even the forest itself became silent. Time itself stopped for a brief moment. Applejack and Rainbow dash exchanged glances, and Fluttershy had stuck her head in the dirt. Twilight twisted around instantly, her eyes bulging uncomfortably wide, her pupils dilating so small they could no longer be seen. She stared at her uneasily like she just committed extreme heresy.
"He frightens the neighbors, whips us with chains-Fluttershy included, sprays us with pepper spray, trashes my house and assaults the Princess and that's what you say? Just books!?"
Twilight in her lucid rage moved toward Rarity, until something heavy, wooden and thick burst across the back of her head in splinters.
Thud! She fell face-first into a puddle of something particularly foul. Rarity's face was aghast, and glanced up at Applejack, who was holding a splintered piece of a branch in her hooves.
"What? Someone had to knock some sense into her skull!" Applejack replied.
There was a long moment of silence, and Rainbow dash trotted over to Twilight's unconscious body. She turned Twilight's head over, and proceeded to prod her with a long, pointy stick.
"Yep. She's out of it," Rainbow said. A thought whizzed through her teeny, tiny brain and her smile stretched wide. "Bueno."

"...And that is why I hate salesmen. They're always trying to cheat me, and bargain for my soul. The cheap bastards." And thus ended Miraak's ambiguous tale concerning salesmen, souls and for some unknown reason: A bucket of rabbit ears.
"But wouldn't that be demons?" Pinkie asked.
"They're both the same, which is why I burned those cretins alive and ate their burned carcasses," Miraak looked down into Pinkie pie's eyes, hoping to instill fear into the innocent creature. He would have better luck turning a Shayamalan movie into a masterpiece. Which says a lot.
"Really?"
"What?" said Pinkie pie with an innocent smile.
"I burn some dudes in this creepy, dark forest, and here you are, skipping along with this stupid grin plastered all over your face without a care in the world. Are you not frightened by anything?" 
Pinkie pointed toward the eastern side of the forest, where Miraak could see just beyond the spooky trees and vines was a swamp.	
"Well, there is Froggybottom Swamp, my auntie once told me this story about a mean, old ogre that would chase ponies who entered his swamp."  And with a gnarled voice, she said, "But if they were caught, he would turn them...into onions!" She whipped out a flashlight from the nearest dimensional rift, and flicked it upon her pink face dramatically.
Crickets chirped in the background as Miraak stood silently, unamused by this tom-foolery. 
"Was that meant to be scary? An ogre, seriously? That ogre can kiss a mudcrab's crack and call it bill, I've faced worse things in my toilet. The worst being...my wife," said Miraak. 
Pinkie looked up at Miraak, raising her brow quizzically.
"Wait, why was your wife in a toilet? Was your wife poo?"
"What? No, why she was-Oh! For the love of Azura, if you're going to continue your ceaseless banter, do me a favor and throw yourself over a cliff!"
"Ooh, I like jumping cliffs, my sister Maud and I-"
"I don't care! Nobody cares! Silence yourself before-oh sweet Oblivion, now I have an aneurysm. I hope you're proud of yourself," said Miraak.
"I have the perfect solution for your problemo!" Pinkie outstretched her hoof, and upon it were three, strange looking capsules numbers and letters imprinted on it. Miraak, without question, swiped the pills, downing them quickly, and slipped his mask back on.
He regretted this instantly. Actually, he would come to regret a lot of things.
His bowels roared violently and his hands clutched his stomach painfully.
"Dagon's balls! What was in those damn things? What did you do to me?"
Pinkie glanced at the bottle of pills that she had acquired mysteriously, and started laughing hysterically.
"I gave you laxatives instead of migraine medicine. Ooopsies!"
Miraak's eyes gleamed bright as he glared at the pink cretin. He was considering butchering her on the spot, and making her into his personal robe. But his bowels had other ideas, like dropping a dozen in someplace dark, and moist.
He leapt to his feet, and darted through the forest like lightning, in search of a shitter.
Pinkie's tail wiggled, hooves shook and her head rolled in ways I won't even begin to describe how absolutely terrifying it was.
"Wait, Miraak! Not that way, that's where the old Ogre's swamp is!" She yelled after him, but given his current mental state, which was already broken to begin with, it was useless.
"Plough the ogre!" he yelled back, fading into the distance beyond the thin shadows of the trees.
"Oh boy, I better go after him before he gets himself shrekked." 

..After some hours,  Twilight had come back to consciousness except for reality.
Rainbow's right eye was blackened, and a silly grin glued to her face, while Twilight picked up speed ahead of them. Twilight's face burned bright, and refused to look at Rainbow dash. What ever happened in those few hours remain a mystery, but it was certainly not PG-rated, that's for sure. Apple jack turned to look at Rainbow, who turned to face her.
Applejack wasn't anywhere close to amusement.
"Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Oh, maybe because of that little stunt you pulled back there with Twilight," said Applejack.
"It wasn't that bad."
"It was most horrifying thing ah've ever seen. It made my eyes feel like they were violated, and you made me question my sexuality," said Applejack.
"Don't blame me, besides, you're the one gay for Rainbow dash." Rainbow posed rather obscenely.
"Stupid, sexy rainbow dash." Applejack spat, as she twisted back around.

The swamp was absolutely wretched; mosquitoes and flies buzzed around noisily, strange noises came from the deep murky waters, filled with only Celestia knows what. The trees were hellishly crooked, gray and rather thin. Dark moss hung from their skeletal limbs, riddled with thorns and poisonous ivy, and the reeds swung to and fro as the wind danced through the swamp. Great, big piles of dark, moist material were planted the spongy ground. And smashmouth was blaring in the distance.
Miraak stormed across the swamp, smacking into branches various times. Good thing he always wore a mask to hide his repulsive shame. Why did Miraak run into the swamp looking for a toilet? Why am I writing this nonsense would be a better question.
As the music fluctuated louder, Miraak identified a spot in the swamp, where a totally non-ogre occupied hut was seated, with a rank bathhouse that oozed with mud and other filth. He went behind a tree, squatted down and did the business, whilst also reading a newspaper. Why? Where did he get the newspaper? Do I look like I have the answers?
"Hmm, looks like Sheogorath is running for President of Oblivion." Miraak muttered to himself. Then there a loud thumping noise, echoing as the ground shook, and a hulking shadow was cast over Miraak's body. 
There he stood, the majestic green beast, his breath as dank as rotten onions, his eyes full of fury as smashmouth blasted at full volume.
The great ogre had cometh.
"Oi! What are ya doing in mah swamp!"
Miraak's laxative filled bowels emptied themselves immediately.

From within the midst of the waters, a champion appeared, swinging the sacred trout of +8Noscoping, and knocked the mighty ogre crashing into a massive boulder. It was the Pink terror of Ponyville. Or simply just Pinkie pie who had turned a living creature into a weapon.

"Quick, come with me, Miraak if you want to live!" she screamed.
Miraak put on his trousers, and looked up at the sky, as if wondering, why he was tormented by all this.  
"I hate all of you." Miraak's voice droned on nonchalantly.

While Pinkie and Miraak fled the onion-y ogre, Twilight and her friends galloped across the forest floor, following the voice of Miraak's girlish screams. Twilight blast apart whole boulders, shattered trees and even crushed a lone timber wolf that crossed her path. Her body was now painted with ancient, tribal pony paint and kept uttering guttural sounding words that nobody knew the translation for.
To her surprise, as well as her friends', Miraak and Pinkie emerged from a pair of thorny bushes, covered in scrapes and scratches, and Miraak's coat was torn terribly.
"Shit."
"You!" yelled Twilight, ready to pounce on Miraak but stopped as she noticed Pinkie pie, thus coming to her senses miraculously. "Wait, Pinkie? What are doing with him?"
"Helping a fugitive of the law escape, what else would I be doing? Also-why do you look a pygmy?" Pinkie pointed at Twilight's ridiculous war paint.
"Oh, that. I kinda got lost in reality-hold on! You're helping the bad guy?! You traitor." Twilight and her friends gasped in horror.
Before any of them could proceed with the gratuitous butt-kicking, the raging green ogre tore apart a giant oak tree, nostrils flaring with anger. 
Miraak puffed up his chest, and magic fire encircled his arms.
"Prepare to meet your maker you fat ball of lard!" His hands shot forward, launching a contained burst of volatile fire toward the Ogre.
It wasn't very effective.
"Well, I'm out of ideas." Miraak hoisted up Pinkie pie, and shouted, becoming ethereal as before. "Your problem now." And with that, Miraak bound away effortlessly from danger and through the forest, leaving Twilight and the rest of them to deal with angry ogre.
"And this is why we don't tolerate humans in Equestria, considering this happened last time." Twilight remarked, before they were all beaten to a pulp.

And then it was all ogre...

Somewhere, in the next dimension...
Sheogorath and Discord were sitting around a table floating in the void, while chocolate rain and burning hobos fell endlessly around them.
"Got any three's?" Discord said, his face stuck behind a handful of cards.
"Nope, go fish, which reminds me..." Sheogorath pulled out a fishing rod from the next universe over, which unleashed a whole slough of cosmic abominations to pour out along with flying butt-clowns. He tossed the hook into the void, waiting patiently for a bite.
There was a loud, bright flash and there was Princess Celestia, whose mane was disheveled, and steam flowed from her ears.
"Discord!"
"Oh dear," he turned around. "why Celestia, so good of you to visit. You know, you never write back anymore."
She grabbed him by the neck and shook him.
"I know you did it! You brought him here to my kingdom to stir up chaos!"
"I don't believe I know what you're talking about, I have been here playing cards with the Daedric prince of Madness," Discord said.
"Don't you lie to me! I know you like to piss me off!"
Discord looked at her for a while.
"Princess, are you drunk?"
"What? No...well yes, but that's not the point! You brought that lunatic into my kingdom and-" A crazy, interdimensional crack-head came and smacked Celestia with an iron pan, and ran away laughing giggling with her crown.
"I knew he would liven things up," Sheogorath smiled. "Equestria was getting far too boring any how."