Rainbow Dash tossed and turned in bed. She had awoken from another nightmare featuring Twilight Sparkle. In this one, she was at flying camp with Gilda. Another accident occurred, and Twilight perished once more. Dash sat up and cupped her head in her hooves. Crying oneself to sleep is one thing, but crying oneself awake is another.
A band of early morning sunlight filtered through Dash’s closed curtains. She found that she liked it dark in her house more often than not, and it helped with the headaches she had been having recently. Her messy rainbow mane matted onto her wet eyes and cheeks. Brushing the hair aside, she looked at the clock. Eight. An hour until work. Dash didn’t mind work, but the passion she used to have for it was gone. It seemed to drag on and on. But she didn’t mind because she had no where else to be.
The pegasus slowly made her way out of bed and stretched. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. She thought. Like, I just wouldn’t wake up. Dash shuffled to the restroom and brushed her teeth and mane. Once she looked at least presentable, she walked to her kitchen. She picked out some hay cereal and milk then poured herself a bowl. Then she sat at the kitchen table alone and ate in silence. I really don’t want to go to work today. I just want to stay home and sleep.
But Rainbow Dash prepared to go to work anyway. She trotted out of the front door of her home and did a few wing stretches. I don’t feel like flying today. Yet she flew anyway. Flying had become a chore to the pegasus. She found it boring, and only flew when she really needed to, like to go to the store or when she needed to do her job. The rainbow maned mare looked down at the ponies below. As much as I don’t want to fly, I wouldn’t want to walk. She saw how they walked past one another and exchanged friendly greetings, even if they didn’t know each other. Then she realized how isolated she was up in the sky. There were a few pegasi flying below her closer to the ground, but she was alone higher up.
Soon enough, Dash arrived at the clouds she was moving that day. There was a thunderstorm scheduled near her house, and she didn’t mind. Dash found that she wasn’t bothered by much anymore. She had a hard time forming opinions about events in the news and drama unfolding amongst her friends. She even had a hard time making decisions on simple things, like what to buy or how to spend her afternoons after work. The pegasus just lived day to day, doing what she had to do.
Kicking clouds gave Rainbow Dash time to think. She often thought about seemingly random things. Anything to keep her from thinking about the incident with Twilight. Sometimes she would begin thinking about the purple princess. These times she was less productive with her job due to her occupied mind. Usually however, she was able to keep herself out of those dark depths.
-~-
Near the end of the day, the clouds were in place and were already drizzling. Some unprepared ponies ran for cover while Rainbow Dash flew into the rain. She landed outside her front door and shook herself dry. Trotting inside, she laid on the couch in her living room and yawned. Why am I always so tired? She asked herself. Of course, she didn’t have the answer. Her stomach growled loudly. Dang, I forgot about eating lunch today. Again. She facehoofed and reprimanded herself. Why am I so dumb?
Trudging over to the kitchen, Dash tried to decide what she wanted to eat. Some bread was on the counter, and the first thing her eyes landed on when she opened the fridge was a cucumber. Cucumber sandwiches it is then. The rainbow maned mare began cutting the cucumber and made herself a couple sandwiches. She sat at the kitchen table once more, and ate in silence.
I don’t want to go to Twilight’s funeral. She decided. It would be too sad. How would she handle it? Badly.
But how would she get out of going? Her friends would be upset if she didn’t go. Or would they? Applejack definitely would, being a more family-orientated pony. Fluttershy would understand. Probably.
Rainbow Dash began to get a headache. She always did when she started overthinking things. She shuffled through her bedroom into the bathroom and looked for the pain reliever. She popped a couple into her hoof and swallowed them down. Dash began to walk back into her kitchen when she looked at her bed. Oh how it looked so comfortable. I just want to sleep. She had begun going to bed really early due to her fatigue. I could go hang out with one of my friends, but- The sound of thunder stopped her thinking process. Oh right. It’s raining.
Dash opened her mouth as wide as it could and let out a loud yawn. I don’t want to have another bad dream though. She started to think again. I could just try to stay up. The rainbow maned mare began pacing around her room, trying to stay awake. She yawned again. I really, really do not want to have another bad dream. She trotted to the wall and hit her head against it. Ow. That didn’t help my headache. She rubbed a hoof against her forehead.
I wonder… Something in her mind began to bend. What if I just… Dash shuffled into the bathroom once again. She looked over the few bottles of pills she had acquired only recently. No, I couldn’t do that. Could I? Her gaze landed on the sleeping pills she bought to help her rest, though she barely needed them. “Nah…” She mumbled.
Then Dash really began thinking. There was one way she could avoid having to go to Twilight’s funeral, and one way she wouldn’t have to have any more bad dreams. Plus she wouldn’t have to go to work anymore, among many other things.
She wouldn’t have to feel so bad anymore.
The rainbow maned mare found that she was pacing. It was another habit she had picked up. Her head didn’t hurt as much anymore, and she could think clearly. “Yeah…” She began to think out loud. “What if I just went to sleep forever?”
But then she started to panic. What if she went to sleep forever? Her friends would miss her, and she’d miss them. I’d miss out on all the cool stuff in life, like joining the Wonderbolts. Then she stopped pacing. But what if I’m not good enough to join the Wonderbolts? Dash looked down at the cloud floor below. What would I do if they said that I couldn’t join? Her face began to feel hot and wet. A few tears dropped onto the floor and were absorbed by the clouds.
Dash stumbled around her room while she contemplated the consequences of what she could do next. She had heard stories about ponies who had assumedly gotten fed up with life and ended it. Their families and friends they thought they didn’t have grieved their death and retold the horrors of finding their loved one’s body. The pegasus imagined Fluttershy coming into her home and having to discover her. She began blubbering and hiccuping loudly.
Yes, Rainbow Dash loved her friends. But what about her own needs? Everyday was becoming the same blur, nothing too exciting was happening like it used to. Especially without Twilight. It’s my fault that nothing is happening anymore, Twilight always got us into crazy things. Daily challenges included simply getting out of bed and bathing. It became work to meet up with friends, and when she did get together with some ponies, she often found herself bored and not wanting to do anything.
The rainbow maned mare looked over the bottle of sleeping pills. What if they don’t work and I just wake up the next morning? She pondered the physical consequences. How much will it hurt? Will I get really sick before I… die? Saying that word to herself made something snap. The loud blubbering from a few minutes before began once more. She threw the bottle of pills on the ground with a satisfying rattle.
“I can’t do it!” Dash screamed out loud. She galloped into her bedroom and jumped onto the cloud bed. She rolled around in the sheets while she bawled. What can I do? I can’t live like this anymore! She screamed internally. Twilight would know what to do. She’d probably tell me something like “you gotta see a professional!” The pegasus calmed down at this thought. Her bawling was reduced to silent crying and a few hiccups. She fell quickly into an unrestful sleep.
Even though she wasn’t sure how it could help her, Rainbow Dash decided she needed help.