//------------------------------// // 5. Starswirl the Sous-chef // Story: Starswirl the Short-sighted // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Starswirl the Sous-chef Tidus and Aura departed last night for the sovereign lands of Gryphonia. How I know this is simple; Tidus told me himself about their earlier departure plans. I could see on their faces that Celestia and Luna also got the news last night. They were slowly munching away at their bowls of sweet oats at the table this morning, lacking their usual enthusiasm and vigor. As I sat with a bowl of freshly-sliced fruit in front of me, my thoughts lingered heavily on how much Tidus hid from me until now. I took a small apple slice into my mouth, nursing it tenderly. A border dispute, he had called it. The bordering towns to Gryphonian lands ransacked and burned. I don't doubt the gravity of the situation, but it still seems wrong. Why would the griffons attack Equestria? It's sheer and utter nonsense. "Starswirl?" I gulped, swallowing my mashed apple and setting my thoughts aside. "Yes, Princess Luna?" "I... I'm not feeling up for a lesson today." I looked upon her for a moment, then turned to face Celestia. "You feel the same, I take it?" A brief nod. Understandable, but I should still do something so that they don't dwell on this the whole day. "Then how about we go on a field trip?" Celestia's ears perked up. "A field trip?" "Mmhmm. Just the three of us. No maids or servants or musty castle. Just us heading off to, say, the swimming hole just outside of town?" "Swimming? But we can fly!" Luna piped up. "Ah, but my dear Luna, flights of fancy are very different from swimming in relaxing waters." I brushed away her objection with a hoof. "Surely you don't mean to say that you've never swam before, have you?" I might as well have told an ill-timed joke at a funeral for all the awkward silence I received in response. "...you're kidding. Your parents never took you out swimming?" Another long silence before Celestia responded, "No." Oh gods. How long have these two been cooped up in this castle and the gardens?... Or had Tidus and Aura simply not taken them out yet? I hope that's the case, but now... "Well then, I think today's a great day to go! Trust me, it'll be fun!" "Why? Have you gone swimming before, Starswirl?" Celestia asked. I scoffed. "Pff, I used to be in the water so much ponies mistook me for an aqua pony!" Giggles from both of them. Good, I'm getting through. "Believe me when I say that swimming is an experience you'll never forget... for better or worse..." "What was that?" "N-Nothing, Celestia. So, what do you two say?" The sisters locked their eyes, seemingly forming a bridge to come to their consensus, leaving me to my own devices for a moment. Wait, if they agree, how am I even going to get them out of here? If they've never left the castle, then odds are there's guards to ensure that they stay within the borders... and I just told them about a trip outside the walls, so it's going to be-- "Yes! We will go!" Luna declared with a gleam in her eye. Celestia mirrored her younger's spirit with a radiant smile. Congrats, Swirl. You really rammed yourself into a corner this time. Oh well, as the Pegasi say: "Sometimes you’ve got to wing it." ~~~ Needless to say, but breakfast moved at a much faster rate since I brought up the swimming trip. I told the sisters to bring whatever they wanted for entertainment, though I personally recommended a large ball if they had one. Meanwhile, I thought that we'd have lunch out there, so I took the path to the kitchen to procure some salad ingredients. I hoped it was empty again, though considering my last visit, that seemed doubtful. And yet even my expectations betrayed me. I didn't expect to see her again so soon. Her name was Winter Spring. A curious name, and one that I could have interpreted for hours on end. Yet the look I gave her after hearing her name caused her to laugh it off. "Don't bother trying to give it meaning. I've heard so many by now!" If she insists. I already had ten interpretations ready, but whatever. "Oh, good morning Starswirl! Still bitter about last night's bath?" I grumbled. "No, I'm not. Just came in here for a few things." "Hm? Didn't you have breakfast with the princesses this morning?" "I did, and I want to prepare some lunch for a picnic later out in the gardens." A half-truth of sorts. Maybe she'll buy it. "A picnic, huh? Your funeral if they release the animals again." In the blink of an eye, she gathered a few assorted fruits and vegetables and packed them into a saddlebag, along with some cutlery and a frying pan. When did she learn to move so fast, anyway? Granted, she's an Earth pony, but I've never seen one move so qui-- "I take it you're going to prepare it fresh, right?" She stopped in front of me, saddlebag in hoof. "Gah!" I jumped back a bit; she got a little too close for comfort. "O-O-Of course." I smiled sheepishly. She gave me a look. "You do know how to cook, right?" No, you don't. She'd always cooked for you. That doesn't make me helpless! I have some skills! "I do... sort of. I’ve had some practice with knifework before while I was part of a traveling caravan. You know, as part of one of our magic tricks." She tilted her head. Another look, this time of concern. "So… you haven't cooked with pots or pans?" I waved a hoof. "Haven't needed to. I normally eat raw foods anyway." "And you think the princesses will conform to your tastes? Do you even know what they like to eat?" Uh-oh. She's got a point, Swirl. Are you going to admit it? I thought back to breakfast. "Sweetened oats?" Nope, you're going to squirm. This won't last long. "For breakfast, sure, but do you even know what their favorite lunches are? Or their dinner? How about dessert?" I brushed the back of my head with a hoof before sighing in defeat. "...no." "I thought as much." She brushed some of her auburn hair to the side as she walked past me, close enough so that her coat rubbed against mine. "It can't be helped then. I'm going with you to make sure they get something decent in their bellies." Danger! Danger! Too close for comfort! Evasive maneouvers! I jumped away from her a bit to give myself a bit of space and time to gather myself. "What? No, it's just a picnic in the gardens! We don't need any frou-frou food for that!" I stomped the floor with my hooves. "frou-frou" was a bad term to use, because I made her quite angry. "Now who said that my food I'm going to make for them is frou-frou? Since when are cucumber sandwiches fancy?!" ...wait, did she say-- "Cucumber... sandwiches?" "Need I repeat myself? Yes, cucumber sandwi--" In a brief moment, I embraced her. I thought I'd never hear those words again! "Wha-What are you doing?!" I think you're the one getting too close for comfort now, Swirl. I let go of her and took a few steps back. "Sorry, sorry... It's just been a very long time since I've had one of those." "Is that so?" She raised a curious eyebrow. "Do you know how to make them?" “Hah, ‘do I know’? Those sandwiches are my bread and butter!... so to speak. And now that I know they like them, I got this in the bag!” I declared confidently. “Really, even though you haven’t had them in a very long time?” Her gaze seemed to question my very foundations on how to even make a basic sandwich. “Do you even know the proper thickness of the bread?” I paused, my mouth agape. “Uh…” “How about the perfect way to layer the cucumbers?” “Well, you see--” “The exact amount of mayonnaise and the precise amount of black pepper?” “I don’t even make mine with pepper!” “Then even if you could make these sandwiches for the sisters, they wouldn’t be to their standards! Do you see now?” Sheesh, I thought the sandwiches were simple enough. I didn’t know there was a formula I had to follow and that my sandwiches were subpar without it. Then again, I never could quite make them like she did. I slumped my shoulders in defeat. “You’ve made your point.” I expected her to gloat, or ream me for my incompetence. Instead, she baffled me yet again. “Well, now that you know, how about you help make some with me?” ~Luna~ "Sister, where's the big ball?" I asked, creeping low to the ground and checking under our drawers and beds. "I don't know," Tia replied, gliding above me in a circular motion as she looked around the room. That ball's got to be in here! How are we missing it?! "Tia, is there any chance that it left the room?" A pause. "Um... maybe?" I stopped my search, and looked upward. She had a hoof to her chin in thought. What did she mean by that? "...Tia, sister, where's the ball?" "It's kinda... sorta... in Rampart's cage." She smiled sheepishly. My eyes couldn't be any wider. "You left it with the rhino?!" "Well, he liked playing with it! So I left it in the cage for the next time I visited him!" Face met hoof. Just when I thought my sister couldn't be dumber... "And now we've made him angry. He's probably not going to give us that ball easily, you know." "Then should we get Meanbeard to intimidate him into hoofing it over?" A smile creased my face as I imagined the encounter, but I brushed it aside. "No, Tia. He promised us a field trip, so the last thing he'll want is any delays. We have to get the ball ourselves." Tia landed next to me, downtrodden for her mistake, but nodded as we left the room to head for the animal enclosure. "Pray tell, how did you think you could manage that when you can’t even break free of my magical grasp?" His words echoed in my head. We'll show you, Meanbeard. We're not so helpless anymore. ~Starswirl~ "Bread." I hoofed her a loaf of white bread she'd set on the counter. Baked earlier this morning, the fumes permeated the kitchen with a fresh, warming scent I hardly noticed until I got close to the source. Relaxing, soothing, and just downright pleasant. I’m not sure why, but time seemed to move slower in the kitchen ever since we started making the cucumber sandwiches. Winter moved with this ethereal flow of speed as if she’d always worked in a kitchen her entire life… or at the very least this one. “Cucumbers.” I handed her the slices--peeled, cut wafer-thin and lightly dusted with salt. "It brings out the flavor," she said when I asked her about the salt minutes earlier. I never had mine with salt, but I had to remind myself that these sandwiches were for the princesses, not me. She'd already prepared the bread: white, crustless, and a thin layer of mayo dressing one side of each piece. A dusting of black pepper left dark speckles dotting the bread slice; a well-appreciated touch of spice. I was thankful that my knifework kept at her pace in preparing the cucumbers. I didn't know if she was impressed; she never acknowledged it as we worked. Chop chop chop The motions looked foreign but felt familiar, a far cry to a time when they weren’t so foreign. The caravan had thirty-plus ponies traveling in it, and food was rationed carefully the whole time. My mentor and I always sought to make sure none starved, and these sandwiches quickly became a caravan favorite. Whether they actually liked them or not, we had no complaints either way. "No, that's too thick. Thinner, please." I took the slice back and halved it, quickly dusting the new slice with salt before handing both pieces back to Winter. That was the tenth slice she sent back. She's got standards much higher than I knew of, and it irritated me a bit. I certainly didn't get a returned sandwich in the caravan if a few pieces were too thick. I was in no position to complain, though; somehow I had a feeling it was worth listening to her, at least for now. I didn't want to ruin the moment. "So, any reason you're taking them out on a picnic instead of a lesson today?" I nearly cut a slice too thick at her sudden question. "Oh, well, haven't you heard? The king and queen left last night, and those two aren't taking it well." She noticed my slight hesitation. "You're not either, sounds like." "...no, I'm not." "Why? They leave too early for you to quit like the other tutors?" "What? No, I intend to stay for..." I stopped dead. How long was I going to stay here? Initially I planned on staying the month, at least, but after what Tidus told me, things have changed. What if they didn't come back in that time? What if... what happens if they-- "--wirl? Starswirl!" Winter's voice cut through my thoughts like... well, her knife through a prepared sandwich as she neatly sliced it into four triangles. "Sorry. A month. At-At least a month. Maybe longer." "Seriously?" She contemplated my answer for a moment before bumping a hoof against my shoulder. "You've got more guts than I thought, Starswirl." I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I do." "Now, hoof me some more slices. These sandwiches aren't gonna make themselves." ~Celestia~ “Rampart? Are you awake?” Luna’s hoof shot to my mouth. “Tia! What are you doing?!” I brushed her hoof aside and spoke more quietly, “I’m checking to see if he’s awake. Duh.” “We’re supposed to be stealthy! Rampart is angry at us!” “And I think he’ll just get madder if we’re trespassing without his knowledge.” She groaned, dragging a hoof down her face. “Just follow me and keep quiet. The sooner we get this ball, the sooner we get to leave.” I nodded, and let Luna lead me onward. Rampart’s enclosure was spacious and littered with hay, some of it in large piles. They were great for hiding in if you could tolerate the smell. Luna couldn’t, so she swung wide around them. I, on the other hoof, could walk a bit closer to them, but not much further than my sister. Rampart was resting on one of the piles of hay in the far corner. Legs up in the air, he kicked every so often as if he were chasing something. I knew he was happy because of this goofy grin on his face, but I wasn’t smiling. He was probably chasing after us in his dreams after what we did to him not long ago. He snorted, and the both of us took shelter behind one of the hay piles. I held my breath; Luna forgot to as she choked on the air. I drew her away from the pile of hay so she could breathe. “T-Thanks, Tia,” Luna said as she caught her breath. I nodded, remembering she wanted us to keep quiet. A few more haystacks later, and the ball was finally in sight, resting near his drinking pool. I pointed to it with a hoof, and Luna’s horn glowed, lifting the ball slowly up into the air. Slow, slow, steady as it went, the ball floated over to us, and I had to repress a jump and a cheer at our success. “Great job, Lulu.” Now all we had to do was walk back and-- SQUEAK-YYY --pray that I didn’t step on his squeaky toy. ~Starswirl~ We made too many sandwiches. Instead of feeding a gathering of three, we could feed the entire castle staff, over fifty, and still have enough for maybe twenty guards. My hooves ached from cutting what had to have been a quarter of the cucumber stores. I braced myself against the center counter, struggling to keep myself standing as my breathing struggled to keep a controlled pace. Winter was similarly exhausted, and kept making spreading motions with her hoof as she rested on the other side of the center counter. Her breathing was much steadier than mine though. "Huff... How... how many did we make again?" I asked. "At least a hundred fifty." "That's... at least a hundred forty more than what I need for the picnic." A weak chuckle escaped my lips, followed by hers. The chuckling grew into full-blown laughter as we both collapsed on the floor. For the time, I didn't care if I couldn't breathe. It took a few moments for our laughter to cease enough for me to get to my hooves. As I braced myself on the counter and marveled the immense platter of sandwiches, I noticed a jar sitting next to it. Feeling slightly giddy, I made my way to the jar. "What-what's this?" I said as I opened it. I didn't know what was in it, but I registered one word, one thought in my head: regret. My face burned, hotter than the searing water Winter brought for my bath. Tears involuntarily flew out of my eyes in a torrent, and breathing? I might as well have had cinnamon jammed in my nostrils. "Starswirl!" Winter dragged me away from the jar before holding her breath and closing the lid. Turning back to me, tears in her eyes, she yelled, "What were you thinking?!" "I wasn't!" I cried as I grasped my face. "Obviously! That jar had Dragon's Breath in it!" "Dragon's Breath?!" Fire stored in a jar? What sorcery is this?! "Yes, Dragon's Breath. Also called Tartarus Radishes," she clarified, to my mild relief. Okay, so it's not fire... wait, radishes did this?! Who grew them, a sadistic farmer? Finally, my face began to cool off and I stopped shedding tears. I dried my face as best I could before eyeing the jar in fear. "Who even EATS those things?" I asked. "The king.” I gave her an incredulous look as she continued, “I’m not quite sure how he can tolerate them, but he loves them. Supposedly their taste is to die for.” “To die for? They already blind you and burn your face just for getting near them! Honestly, if a food’s trying that hard not to be eaten, I’d rather leave it alone!" As I rose to my hooves, Winter took that time to dry her face before she said, "Well, at least you learned of it now, right?" "Oh yeah. Stay away from evil radishes, got i--" Before I could finish, a piercing scream hit our ears, and it didn’t belong to any of the staff members. There were only two I knew who could hit octaves that high. I sprinted out of the kitchen, not even bothering to level an explanation to Winter. Not that I needed to, because she caught up with me shortly and wore a look of determination on her face. What did those two get into now?! ~Celestia~ CLANG The bars of Rampart's cage hummed as he struck the wall, barely missing Luna and I. She no longer held onto the ball, and both of us ran towards the gate as fast as we could. Never again! I'm never gonna make Rampart mad again! He's scarier than Meanbeard! Loud thuds splayed my ears back as Rampart freed himself and charged us again. I looked back and saw his horn coming closer, closer, close-- "Sister, watch out!" A deep blue blur shoved me out of the way as Luna and I barely avoided another charge. He still got some of my tail hair; I felt his razor-sharp horntip shred clean through it. However, Luna's hit knocked me to the ground and off my hooves, and I didn't hear Rampart hit the bars. I scrabbled over behind one of the stacks of hay, and kept still. Huffs and snorts. Rampart didn't see either of us, or he would have yelled and charged again. I quietly rose to my hooves and peeked around the hay, seeing Rampart's flank not far in front of me. He turned, and I hid again, keeping as silent as I could. His steps thudded and shook the cage as he stomped around in frustration. It was then that I caught a glimpse of Luna's mane behind a stack of hay in front of me. Good, she's safe too. Rampart snorted, and I heard him drag a hoof on the floor. In a flash, he ran by the hay I hid behind, and went for-- "Luna! Run!" My sister leaped too late. Rampart caught her with his shoulder and sent her flying off to his side. She desperately tried to stabilize herself but hit the bars, and fell to the ground in a daze. "Sister!" I screamed as I ran toward her, but Rampart wasn't finished. He turned to aim for Luna again, and he wasn't going to miss. No! I-I won't make it in time! He charged. I stopped and closed my eyes, feeling pressure building in my horn. There was no sound of Rampart hitting the cage. His hooves did not stomp on the floor anymore. All was quiet for a moment before Luna spoke to me. "Tia, look!" I opened my eyes. Luna was off to my side, safe and sound. But as happy as I was to see her, it wasn't my only surprise. Rampart was floating in the air, flailing his legs as helplessly as I did. No longer angry, he seemed confused as he floated in the air, whimpering and groaning. I... I did it. I did it! I jumped for joy at my victory. While Luna didn't share my happiness, she levitated the ball near her as I celebrated. "Sister, I hate to cut your victory short, but we need to go." I stopped jumping. "Go on ahead, Lulu. Rampart and I need to talk." Luna stared at me for a moment before looking back up at Rampart. She nodded as she made her way to the exit. I slowly floated Rampart closer to me, and he shook in fear from being lifted up like this. I placed a hoof at his side. "I'm sorry, Rampart. I didn't mean to make you upset two days ago." He grunted, and I said, "I know Luna gets on your nerves, but you know how she gets sometimes. Still, I want you to forgive her. You gave her quite the scare today, and I don't think she'll want to mess with you anymore." He rolled his eye and moaned, and I giggled. "Thanks, Rampart. I'll bring you some fresh greens the next time I visit, okay? And I'll make sure Luna stays far away this time." I nuzzled his face, and let the levitation magic disappear. Rampart looked at me and smiled before returning to his bed and plopping down in it, eager to resume his rest. I walked outside the cage and closed it behind me. When I turned around, Luna was waiting, along with Meanbeard and... one of the servants? "You two have got a lot of explaining to do." "Aw... can't it wait until after we go swimming?" Luna asked. Suddenly, the servant jerked her head to the side to face Meanbeard. "Swimming? I thought you said they were having a picnic in the gardens!" "W-W-Well, you see--" "We're going on a picnic too?!" I exclaimed. "Yes! Sort of! Just... not... here..." Meanbeard squeaked out as the servant began turning a deep shade of red. "U-Uh, if you're going to hit me, don't do it in front of the children!" He gestured to us, and she looked. Luna and I shared a glance. We both smiled, covered our ears and turned away so we didn't see or hear anything. We still heard it.