//------------------------------// // Chapter 26 (contents may be emotionally triggering) // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// Noctilucent awoke and became aware that there was a warm body in his bed next to him. He could feel Quirky’s spine pressed against his side. This was an odd way to wake up, because when he went to bed last night, he had been alone. Quirky was going to give the foals one last late night feeding and he had said goodbye. And now, here she was, sleeping soundly next to him. A part of him tucked between his belly and the mattress below him stirred faintly. He lifted his head carefully from his pillow, leaned over, and sniffed her mane, drawing in her scent. She wasn’t in a position to protest, and she had crawled into his bed. Her body was warm and soft against his. “Quirky?” Noctilucent whispered, aware that Cactus Blossom would probably hear him no matter how careful he was. He nudged her gently. “Hmmm,” Quirky moaned. The moan caused Noctilucent to have a very uncomfortable moment as he became aware of an intense and overwhelming feeling of sexual arousal. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He wrestled with a sudden need to mount Quirky and do unspeakable Shadow Noctilucent things with her body. He closed his eyes and forced the feelings out of his brain. A warm and possibly willing female body in his bed was entirely too much temptation, and Noctilucent felt a sudden need to flee, just as he had from Merriweather. He looked at the closed door and pondered his next move carefully. “Quirky, what are doing in my bed?” Noctilucent asked in a soft whisper, deciding to stay for the moment, even though fleeing was still an option. “Trying to sleep,” Quirky replied, making no attempt to whisper. “Cactus Blossom will hear you,” Noctilucent warned. “So what if she does?” Quirky replied. She yawned and began to stretch. Noctilucent could feel her taut body wiggling against his. There was a warm throbbing in his wings. “What are you doing here?” he asked, trying not think of all the terrible horrible pleasurable perverse things he wanted to do with every inch of her body right now. He felt a longing for her every nook and cranny, but especially her cranny. A part of him wanted to slip into her cranny to make her moan and stretch as she had done when she had awakened next to him. “I didn’t want to sleep alone. I needed to be close to you,” Quirky replied. “You… you… you tried to burn me last night and threatened to kill me!” Noctilucent hissed. “And now you are in my bed and you have no idea what I want to do to you right now. I am very very confused and conflicted. And very very horny.” “Heh,” Quirky giggled. “I said those things in the heat of passion. You could start my fire again right now if you wanted.” “Not funny!” Noctilucent grumbled as quietly as possible. “If you wanted to do something to to me right now, I wouldn’t stop you. I can soundproof the room,” Quirky stated. Noctilucent froze. “I’ve never been with anypony before,” Quirky admitted. “What?” Noctilucent asked in a very quiet whisper. “I’ve never been with anypony before. Well, not exactly. It is true I’ve never been kissed. Rill and I… We did a little experimenting with one another. Nothing serious. We were both so lonely and she missed her husband and needed comfort, she needed a touch… we slept in the same bed together so often… and one day when Shady Patch was at school… oh please don’t think any less of me, I was just so lonely and we both hurt so much…” Quirky’s body began to shake slightly and Noctilucent realised she was crying. Much to his own surprise, his sexual desire melted away completely. She was still on her side, facing away from him, faint soft sobs escaping her lips and making her barrel hitch. “We didn’t kiss because we both felt that it would be weird. We tried not to even look at one another. It was just scratching an itch, because sometimes it feels good to have somepony else scratch an itch for you because doing it yourself doesn’t always satisfy,” Quirky confessed in a weeping whisper. Noctilucent remained silent, unsure of what to say, having no experience whatsoever comforting crying mares who had snuck into his bed and slept with him unannounced. “You told me your secret and I overreacted. I feel really bad about it now that I’ve told you one of my secrets and you’ve been so kind in reply. Do you want me to go?” asked Quirky as she sniffled. “No,” Noctilucent whispered. “I’ve already soundproofed the room,” Quirky confessed. “I had nefarious intentions when I crawled into bed with you. I had plans to seduce you once you woke up and make it up to you for scaring you last night. I even told Holly about my plans. If you took me right now, I wouldn’t stop you. Don’t you want to take me right now?” “I couldn’t. You’re crying. And even if you weren’t crying, I don’t think it would be right. Not yet. I will admit though, for a moment, I really wanted to jump your bones,” Noctilucent confessed. “Ponies can cry and have sex,” Quirky confessed. “So attractive, runny snotty nose, lots of tears,” Noctilucent quipped. Quirky laughed for a moment and then sniffled. “So even if I asked you to do me right now, you would turn me down?” she asked. “Yes,” Noctilucent replied in a strained voice. “Why?” Quirky asked. “Because you are worth waiting for until it is special!” Noctilucent answered. The weeping mare wiped her eyes with a foreleg and replaced the lost tears with fresh ones. She could feel Noctilucent’s warmth creeping into her back, and part of her wanted to feel him on her back in a much more meaningful way. “Last night you tried to burn me and this morning you ambushed me in my own bed so you could get me to bone you, I don’t understand you,” said Noctilucent as he pressed his nose just behind Quirky’s ear and whispered, causing the mare to shudder as she felt his breath on the sensitive skin at the base of her ear. “I don’t understand myself sometimes,” confessed Quirky, feeling a sudden rush of sexual arousal as Noctilucent continued to breath into her ear. “I was so angry at you last night. You did something so stupid. All I could think of was losing you. It scared me. I don’t know if I was just angry or afraid. I’ve exposed myself to you, I’ve let you in. I let Rill in and she’s gone. I want to be loved so badly that I confuse friendship and intimacy I think. I don’t know what I was with Rill. The lines blurred. And then she was gone. And there was no resolve, no closure, no figuring out where the lines were or why we drew them in the first place. And everything is broken now because I keep asking myself if I liked her in that way because I like mares or was I just desperate and I will never know or be able to talk to her because the stupid selfish bitch hung herself from a tree…” Noctilucent did not know what to do when Quirky collapsed into grief stricken wailing mess. The sounds of her sorrow horrified him. He wanted to flee the room. Somehow, this scared him even more than the idea of sex… this was an emotional entanglement that he just wasn’t ready for. It was one thing to stuff a bit of flesh inside a pony and rub until it felt good, but it was a whole different matter entirely to see inside of another pony when they bared their soul to you. “Part of me still wants you to rut me, even now, I feel so messed up sometimes,” sobbed Quirky as she covered her face with her forelegs. “I just want to feel close to somepony, I want to feel needed. I need to feel needed. Rill made me feel needed and then she abandoned me and I didn’t feel needed anymore. I felt betrayed, because I allowed myself to feel needed by her and then she stopped needing me. She didn’t give me a chance to talk her out of it. She didn’t need me to make that decision. She pushed me away and made it all by herself and I hate her for it.” The room filled with silence which lasted for several minutes. “I wish she hadn’t left me,” Quirky cried. “Please don’t leave me Noctilucent, I don’t want to hate you,” the mare sobbed. “I could make you happy if you would just let me… just need me… just take me right now and get it over with so we can both feel better. We’ll both get something out of it.” The pegasus remained silent, unsure of what to say. “Are you sure you couldn’t at least give me a pity rutting?” Quirky asked. “I need to be needed right now. Don’t you need me? Don’t you need a release? You wouldn’t even need to worry about my needs… just take me and let yourself go. It would make me happy knowing that you needed me. Please make me happy.” “Quirky, I think I love you… but right now, I can’t do those things to you. You’re like me. Hurt on the inside. You don’t need a pity rutting. You need somebody to be close to you and hold you until the hurt goes away. I don’t know how to fix your hurt, I don’t know how to fix my own hurt, but I can hold you,” Noctilucent offered. “Wait… Quirky… is this why you took in Shady Patch? Is this why you agreed to teat feed Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus? To feel needed?” he asked. The mare made no response other than the frequency of her sobs increasing in both volume and number. Noctilucent raised one trembling foreleg, angled his body slightly, and placed his leg over Quirky’s barrel. He pulled her close, and rested his head upon her shoulder. “Let it out,” he whispered. He could feel her barrel rising and falling beneath him. She wriggled and writhed, trying to push herself as close as possible against him, and Noctilucent tried to comfort her, not really knowing what to do. “Once we’re both in a better state of mind, I am going to make you mine,” promised Noctilucent, rubbing Quirky’s chest as he spoke. “I do need you.” Noctilucent’s mind was full of thoughts and his head felt heavy. He thought about everything he intended to share with Dr. Lethe later in the afternoon. Princess Luna patronising him at the hospital. Quirky nearly burning him. Quirky in his bed. The enormous struggle that he had endured to not take Quirky up on her offer. Wanting to share his future with Quirky, and even naming a foal with the hopes that they could share her together. Even with all of her flaws, her hurt, he still felt something for Quirky, although he had some doubts. He did wonder if it was love or simply desperation and her being the first mare to really take an interest in him. Part of him didn’t care. She was the first mare he had ever been strong enough to be emotional with, and not run away. And for Noctilucent, that meant something, even if he didn’t understand the feelings associated with it. He could see Quirky’s weakness as being a potential source of strength. She needed to feel needed, and there were foals that needed a mother. What Quirky needed was a healthy sense of being needed… and Noctilucent hoped that somehow, he would be able to lead Quirky to a place where equilibrium was achieved. The idea floated in his mind to ask her to join him in talking to Dr. Lethe and getting in a little therapy in as a couple, if Dr. Lethe would agree to doing that. Noctilucent couldn’t fault Quirky for feeling lonely and wanting to be loved. He watched the foals, all of them. He loved them all. He didn’t know how to tell Princess Luna. The idea of dying now horrified him. He had come to the realisation last night when Quirky had nearly burned him. The only thought in his mind had been for the foals, all of them. He didn’t know if he could save them all, but he intended to try. He resolved to talk to Dr. Lethe about it first, and then speak to Princess Luna, hoping to broker some means of keeping them all. Princess Luna had promised to never take anything he loved, and he intended to force her hoof on the issue. These foals were all, in their own ways, just as broken as he and Quirky were broken. And these foals deserved somepony that understood their pain and didn’t just pay it lip service. Noctilucent hoped that he could be that somepony. He understood he wasn’t up for the task, not yet, but he had taken the first steps towards being the somepony that could do the job. Spending the next ten to fifteen years making sure that each and every foal here had a fair shot at being happy in life and going out into the world as capable adults seemed like a reasonable price to pay for what he had done to himself, at least he hoped so, although Princess Luna and Dr. Lethe would accuse him of bargaining again. Committing himself mentally to the long haul didn’t seem so overwhelming, if anything, Noctilucent found it comforting. It felt good to finally have purpose once again after being so empty and devoid of meaning for so long. He had faced the flames, survived, and like a phoenix from the ashes, been reborn. He was able to acknowledge his depression, accept that it was there, and move on. He was ready to move on. Nothing worth having in life was ever easy, and Noctilucent committed himself to a very difficult path.