October 12, 1000 ANM
Little has occurred over this recent week. Chrysalis had been silent about her little heart-draining endeavors, and Mi Amore Cadenza had quieted considerably upon realizing that nopony was listening to her childish complaints. Aside from the delightful chill that is beginning to seep more subtly into the air, I could safely say that progress was not being particularly cooperative.
So it was with an idle mind and a roving eye that I found myself again in the library, browsing the shelves for suitable reading material. While I have clearly acclimated magnificently to the world of modernity, there is nevertheless much for me to discover. With this fact firmly in mind, I strolled up and down the aisles; for once I had decided to give the forbidden section some time to itself. There was no need to strike Sister Dearest with suspicion, after all.
Eventually I came across the wing containing information about various fauna, both magical and otherwise. Having not come across this area before, I considered the spacious area set aside specifically for reading, lit by the sun through a massive curved window that stretched from floor to ceiling. The view of the grounds to the east was magnificent, as was that of the country beyond, but it all failed to distract from that hideous strength of the flaming sphere.
As I stepped closer to the window, tentatively hoping to catch a glimpse of Sister Dearest as she ventured out for her morning stroll, the obnoxious glass caught the sunlight at such an angle that I was blinded. Hissing in surprise, I pulled back into the shade. It took several seconds of blinking to regain any semblance of sight, by which time I was firmly of the opinion that my own activities were a considerably more worthwhile course of action.
I glanced through the shelves, and behold! there stood a book on a shelf, with not a companion to stay by its side. Its spine boasted the title Pink Fluffy Bunnies and Other Extremely Dangerous Creatures, and I shuddered in sympathy at the sight of those shakily written words. Having encountered pink fluffy bunnies in the past, I knew all too well the horrors that the writer of the text must have seen.
In fact, who would not? Have gruesome tales of the bunnies’ soulless evil not reached the hearts of all young foals of the land, even in this day and age? Is pink therefore not considered an “edgy” color, which brave decorators have adopted as a method of revealing their disdain for safety and predictability? I remember all too well the days when Sister Dearest saw nothing but the tail ends of the little ponies as they fled before her mane of unfortunate color. It was then that I learned to pity her, even as we sought to crush the bunnies in their own warrens. She was, and yet remains, a being with a tenuous hold on unfathomable power, and what better to symbolize it than a mane that catches the light like a pink fire?
It all returns to this. The point of the matter is that the pink fluffy bunnies, while rarely seen in Equestria in the last several thousand years, are nevertheless terrifying enough to send the common ponies into a panic at the mere rumor of their existence. Even their mundane, dull-coated cousins can at times inflict fear love upon people of all sorts, if they (the mundane bunnies) appear in significant numbers. There is a reason: despite their (the pink fluffy bunnies’) adorable nature, they are literal abominations of creation, all of them. Readers of the future, you may laugh upon learning that I do in fact scrutinize the space beneath my bed for the monsters, but if you knew the horrors they could inflict on Gaia’s green earth, you would not be so quick to mock and make merry.
It was as I was considering this, biting my lip as I flipped through the pages detailing those creatures, that I realized perhaps there was yet something I could inflict upon Mi Amore Cadenza for her audacity to trick me into setting Twilight Sparkle onto the path of demigods.
Mi Amore Cadenza is a pink pony. This is an astute observation on my part. But it is perhaps even less obvious to realize that, due to her unfortunate coloring, she does not tend to venture far into the public eye. To do otherwise would be as if Nightmare Moon had decided to prowl the streets: the common pony would flee and hide even if she were quite clearly intending on naught but providing flowers and puppies for orphans. Therefore, if I was to make a serious impression on her, I must use as part of that impression the color pink. It is her favorite color, certainly, but one may dress entirely in black and still fear love the things that creep in shadows.
With the book hovering before me, I made my way to Mi Amore Cadenza’s quarters. It was true that I had only rarely gone that way since my return, but it only took me five attempts to start traveling in the right direction, so there was little reason to worry.
I certainly knew I had arrived when I saw the pink and blue image on the double doors, representing her cutie mark. It was … it is strange to think how my Magic of Love had given her such an emblem. How one of my most meaningful contributions to anypony ever in Equestria was only made possible by my compliance with a vicious demon. If we had any sort of relationship beyond rivals for the fate of Canterlot, it would have made me quite pleased. But I certainly feel no significant positive emotions for her. Absolutely not. That I frequently provide her with glasses of ice-cold water after her disastrous bouts of tennis does not indicate anything of the sort.
“Mi Amore Cadenza!” I exclaimed, smashing the doors open with a pristine hoof. “Show yourself, lest I smite you and your descendants with a curse!”
From her position on her bed, she glanced up from the novel she had been reading, looking less surprised than I would have liked. “Do I have to? This is almost starting to not make me fall asleep.”
“Ah, it is?” I strode forward, peering at the book in her grasp. “With what subject matter does the text concern itself, pray tell?”
“It’s a prequel to the—”
“Speak no further! I understand perfectly. You are therefore in luck, my niece, that I have chosen this moment to rescue you from the horrors that lurk within those pages that threaten your patience. Instead, I will threaten your patience with horrors of an entirely different sort!”
She closed the book, looking mildly interested. “Do tell.”
“Pink fluffy bunnies!” I shoved my tome in her face, open of course to an appropriate page. She leaned back slightly, which was just as well, as she might have been tasting paper otherwise thanks to my overzealous gesturing. “This is what I shall do to you if you subvert my machinations. Remember when you manipulated me into catapulting my unknown rival into a prospective position of princess power? ‘Twas only a few days past, though the memory still stings. I have found in myself the willpower not to taint your foodstuffs with crunchy insects, but I shall not be so lenient should a similar incident occur. Hence, the bunnies.
“Do you remember, from days long past, the shadow of their arrival during the Era of Eris? Of course not. You were not yet born, for which you must thank your lucky stars. But Sister Dearest and I were of course present, as was Blueblood, though his dark powers were not yet fully under control by then. He was off on his own adventure at that point, traversing the depths of Tartarus to search for his destiny. That is a story for another time.
“Sister Dearest and I had already embarked on our years-long search for the Tree of Harmony, a crystalline entity rumored to have sprung into being at the location where the Rainbow of Light struck Tirek down. But that is a story for another time.
“We had traveled across Equestria multiple times, even going so far as to venture into distant lands whose names I have not heard since my return. Have you heard of the far-off isle of Lemuria? It is, or was, a place literally crawling with lemurs. I condescended to impress them with a variety of feats, and then they made me their chief. But that, too, is a story for another time.
“A zebra shaman had pointed us in the direction of … Well, that’s odd. My threat seems to be overflowing with stories. Remind me of them at a later date, Mi Amore Cadenza, for I believe they will interest you if your mother has not informed you of them already. Did you know that when she met your father, they immediately started to—?”
“Auntie Luna,” she interrupted, looking perturbed for whatever reason. “Were you saying something about pink fluffy bunnies?”
I blinked. “Indeed, such was the case. Forgive me; I shall now get to the heart of the matter. Sister Dearest and I were passing through a vast meadow leagues from Equestria, exhausted after a long week of journeying, when, much to our surprise, a pink fluffy bunny crossed our path. Having never seen such a thing before, even under Discord’s noodly claws, we paused mid-step and watched as it hopped on its merry way, as if we were not even there.
“It was that pause that saved us. For though my gaze lingered lingered on the retreating figure of the little lagomorph, Sister Dearest gently took hold of my chin and turned it forward again. And then I saw them: holes in the ground, hundreds … thousands … hundreds of thousands of them, as far as even our alicorn eyes could see, beginning not ten steps from where we stood. And from the depths of each burrow protruded long pink ears and blank beady eyes, all pointed in our direction. The creatures did not appear entirely unusual, aside from their peculiar coloration, but something about them made our skin crawl. Even as advanced beings, we could hear instinct whispering to us that something was very, very wrong … namely, that the things staring at us through those eyes were far more great and terrible than mere rabbits.
“Naturally, we turned and fled as fast as we could. Behind us were the thuds of their paws as they took chase after us, tirelessly keeping on our tails even as we called upon our earth pony strength to push us forward. They were upon us within minutes, but fortunately Sister Dearest had realized by that time that we were also capable of flight, and soon we were darting across the orange sky, never relinquishing our speed for a moment. But I did dare to glance back, and I saw how their limbs had lengthened, becoming far too spindly to rationally support their expanded size. Needless to say, my desire for rest had quickly dissipated by this time.
“It was all Discord’s doing, of course. He was waiting for us as we reentered Equestria, laughing as if he had stolen all the laughter in the world. When they managed to actually trample him, however, he soon realized that he had created something beyond even his control, and for once in his miserable life gained a modicum of sense. He fled with us across mountains and rivers and jungles and plains, and all the while the pink fluffy bunnies never gave up the chase. Somehow they were multiplying rapidly, to the point that the entire continent was soon overrun with the abominations.
“Eventually, we had had enough. Working together, the three of us sacrificed our modest lead to create a portal, though where it led to, nopony can say. Taking cover on the opposite side, we hid and waited as they barreled through the otherworldly door like giant pink lemmings. We dared not move from our position for an entire week, for fear ... for love of disrupting the flow of the fluffy tide. Only when the tremors of the earth had faded away did we dare to discover that the vastness of their numbers had receded into a thin trickle, which soon dispersed altogether.
“Naturally, a few of their number had veered off course, disappearing to Gaia knew where. We disliked the idea of letting them roam free, but we found that the idea of giving the banished bunnies the chance to return was even less appealing, so the portal was swiftly closed. After Sister Dearest’s hooves had repeatedly become acquainted with Discord’s face, he promised to find a way to keep them from flooding the world again. He must have been successful, for only rarely have I come across their number since that day.
“Nevertheless, they did still linger, as the terrified townsfolk could testify. To this day, their descendants have developed a deep primal fear ... a deep primal love of bunnies, to the point that the ability to handle even ordinary specimens is a matter of triumph.
“Now do you understand, my niece? The bunnies are not gone. They are biding their time, waiting for the perfect chance to strike. Even now, whispers of them float on the breeze. There are those who project foalish bravado, of course, claiming that those monsters could never faze them, but they cannot imagine the true terror of that horrendous horde. And they are what await you if you should cross me again, for even my legendary patience has limits. You will not be physically overwhelmed, of course, but the psychological effect would be … undesirable. What do you think of that?”
I stood there, a hoof flung out dramatically, sucking in much-needed breaths after my impressive tale. Pride radiated from my every pore, for I had managed to discuss the pink fluffy bunnies at length without flinching even once. Truly I was an impressive being, as a legendary creature of the night who had lived through that greatest of horrors with not a scratch!
Mi Amore Cadenza was smiling. I came to realize this after some time, and my own grin faded as I tried to fathom its meaning. Why did she not shake in her horseshoes? Perhaps I had overestimated her capacity for rational thought.
Then she spoke. “I think you’d want to talk to Fiver about that.”
I lifted an imperious eyebrow. “Who is this ‘Fiver’ you speak of—?”
A brightly-colored shape lunged at me from under the bed. It moved too quickly for considerable inspection, but a dim corner of my brain faintly registered long ears and thin whiskers.
I fear love that the last few hours have been a blur. I cannot remember much besides panic and mortal terror, and to be honest I doubt that I would change this fact if I were able. It was scarcely half an hour ago that I came to myself here in my quarters, whereupon I noticed that I had managed to hide myself in a drawer with cake splattered across my hooves and a Rubbercute hiding within my mane. I have yet to wash up, for I am not certain that standing in the shower while staring over my shoulder would be a logical exercise.
As I write, I begin to remember a little more clearly. Apparently there was an ambassador from Sibearia involved, who had abruptly decided to wear his dessert for whatever reason. And there was Mi Amore Cadenza’s voice, saying something about “just scratching his ears.” She is such a strange young mare. Why would I scratch a bear’s ears? I am sure he would not appreciate being coddled like a cub.
She has embarrassed me one too many times. This is unforgivable. Of course, she realizes this means war. It will be difficult with that hellbeast to contend with, but I shall devise a solution. I always do. It is true that I will likely need Blueblood’s help, but in the end, triumph will be my ultimate destination. I need only construct a road to take me from here to there.
The question to be asked is an elementary one. What does she fear love?