All was dark, the whirl of machines and the beeps of monitors slowly came into focus from the static that clouded her mind. A fuzzy and dull mumbling soon followed, at first, she couldn't tell what was being said, or by whom. Then, that to became more clear.
“Nurse Red Heart,” the voice said calmly. It was a stallion's voice, he sounded about middle aged.
Where am I?
“Yes doctor?” replied an almost chipper sounding mare.
What's happening? What's going on? She thought, her mind a cloudy hazy. Thoughts formed slowly and weakly. All her memories blurred as she attempted to recall them. It's so dark...
“She's going to be having visitors soon,” The apparent doctor said. His voice was tired and grave, an immense feeling of defeat hung on his every word. “Tell the nursing assistants to prepare her for her postmortem care and get the paperwork ready.”
Post what? What does that mean? She thought weakly, her mind seemingly gaining clarity and alertness. Hey, what's happening to me?
“They decided to take her off life support?” The sadness in the nurses voice almost eclipsed the doctor. It was a complex tone, a combination of depression and relief.
Listen to me! What's happening, what are you talking about?! Fear and frustration began to overwhelm her, burning away the fog that overcast her thoughts. Then panic flooded over that. I- I can't open my eyes! I can't move, I can't move! W-what's happening!? Desperately, she tried to breath, she burned with a base urge to breath. She felt certain that she would expire any moment from suffocation, but even the muscles that controlled her lungs didn't respond. Somepony help! I can't breath! Help me! I- I'm dying, I need help! Then, she noticed, despite her panic, her heart maintained a steady rhythm and she could feel a long tube bracing her mouth open and forcing it's way down her throat.
“There's nothing else they can do, there's nothing anypony can do for her. The last thing we can do is let her body rest peacefully and give those close to her some degree of closure. You go, get that paperwork, I'm going to calibrate the machines...”
Wait! No! I'm alive! I'm here! Please, you have to help me! I'm not dead, I can't be. I don't want to die, Doc, please save me!
“Yes, Doctor, I'll get them ready. Do you want to to tell her friends to come in now?”
My friends? No, please no, not like this. Don't let them see my like this. Twilight... especially not her, don't let her look at me, doesn't need to see this. You can let them in when you get me better.
“No, thank you, but I think I should be the one to tell them,” the doctor said forlornly. A moment later, the sound of retreating light hoof beats came, fading to lighter and lighter taps against the hard floor until they came to a stop, preceding a door creaking open.
“You did everything you could,” Nurse Red Heart said softly, her voice quivering from sympathy. Before the doctor could respond, the sound of hurried hooves sounded and the door quickly closed behind them.
“Everything means nothing if it can't save a life...” the doctor sighed, his desolate tone pouring gasoline on the already raging fire of her terror. She felt a hoof tenderly placed on her shoulder. “Rainbow Dash... I'm sorry I couldn't save you. There was nothing anypony could do. I'll go tell you friends... no, your family, that they can come say their goodbyes.”
No, don't say that. Don't tell them that. I'm still alive, please, you have to know I'm in here. Rainbow Dash thought in despair, her hope quickly waning. The hoof slid off her shoulder and the doctors hooves echoed further and further away. Don't go! Please come back! Don't leave me here alone, I don't want to be alone like this! S-stay here please! Please! Come back!
The door slowly opened and the hoof beats stopped as the doctor lingered at it's threshold. What's he doing? He just stopped? Does he know I'm in here? Struggling with all her might she tried to force her muscles to respond to her will, praying for her body to move. Her fear soared as the hooves padded away.
No! Don't go! I'm in here damn it! Come back! Come back! It was too late, the door softly shut behind the retreating sound of the doctors step, leaving her alone in the pitch black void. An ache burned in her heart, she wanted to cry, to scream, but her lungs would not fill and her tears would not flow. She wallowed in the pain, having no release or reprieve. She felt like she would drown in her sorrow, if only her lungs could breath. Come back... please. Don't leave me alone.
*********************************
The hum of the machines that sustained her life had become her only anchor to the world outside her mind, her own body seemed ephemeral and even foreign. Though she wondered how alive she could be considered in the state she pictured herself in. No sensation other than the whirrs and blips of the devices that kept her in this place between living and death, gave her any feeling of attachment to herself or the space she occupied. That, and the the tortuous sensation of being unable to breath. She honestly couldn't tell where her legs or tail were nor her own head were, that, she thought, was the most terrifying part. Sometimes, she would feel, as with the doctor who placed his hoof on her shoulder. Even then, she felt detached from the feeling, like feeling a distant and vague memory or the touch. Somehow, everything she did feel, felt far outside her familiar sense of the world, only a distant echo of a feeling.
Everypony takes their senses for granted I guess. When I get out of this, I'll never do that again. I'll never forget how lucky I am to see, and feel the wind in my mane. Deep down, she could feel an emptiness in her words, their internal utterance making her feel sickened with herself, but she kept on thinking those thoughts she could only describe as shameful. I'll definitely do better with my life after this... I will. Things will be different.
A sudden new sound took her from her uncomfortable thoughts, which she silently thanked nopony in particular for. The sound of hoof beats had returned, a pair of them. Rainbow wondered and hoped it was the doctor and the nurse returning, but she knew, the doctor had gone to fetch her friends. If her heart could have been under her mind's control, it would have been racing with fear and anxiety as the hoof beats stopped at the other side of the door. Again, they lingered, pausing as if unsure. She wished they wouldn't come, despite the terror of being alone, the guilt and anguish of her friends being beside her, not knowing she was still alive, was magnitudes worse. Her fear only mounted as the door slowly opened.
“That ya Doctor, Ah- Ah'd like to be alone with her if that's okay.” A voice drawled.
Applejack...
“Of course, take as much time as you need,” the doctor encouraged.
“Ah won't be long.” Without another word, the lighter hoof steps of her friend came closer. Rainbow had never before realized how distinct the sound of a pony's hooves could be. She wished she could see, to have a greater connection to the word above her dull and echo like hearing. The door again closed leaving them, Dash presumed, alone. Without hesitance, Applejack trotted up to her bedside. Though her movement felt certain and determined, Applejack was silent as she stood beside Dash's apparently lifeless body. Then, Dash felt a light weight land gently on her abdomen.
“S-sorry partner, there's really nowhere else to put my hat and it just wouldn't be proper to talk to ya while wearing it.” She stammered. It almost sounded as though she spoke through a smile. Dash couldn't articulate why, but an image of her friend smiling, her eyes filled with tears as she tried to stay strong, that broke her heart.
I'm in here Applejack. Don't sound like that. I'm alright, I'm alive. Everything is going to be alright so please, don't have that tone in your voice. That's not you, you don't sound like that. Her limp, cold hoof was raised, cradled in her friend's. Dash felt infuriated as she realized she couldn't feel the warmth of Applejack's body, or the softness of her fur, just pressure. She begged for the sensation of cool and warm.
“Ya know, Ah- I've considered you like family Rainbow. Ever since ya first came to Ponyville. Ah remember it like it was yesterday, how Ah found ya napping in one of our trees. Turned out you arrived in town a day before yer home did. That's just like you, always on the move, always having to do something, to heck with wait'n.”
Applejack, why are you talking about this now? You don't need to think about what happened before, we still have a lot of fun times to make together. It's not over. I'm not dying... Please, stop talking like that. I don't want to hear you talking like this.
“In the end, ya ended up spending your first night in Ponyville, with me and mah family. Ya had yer first taste of our cider and you helped out with the chores. Ya couldn't go ten minutes without trying to make something into a competition. Boy howdy did ya push me to mah limits that day! Ah was sore all the next day. Ever since then you've been true to who ya are, a true and loyal friend, through think and thin. We've had our spats, but nothing our friendship couldn't overcome...” Her voice quivered, small beads lightly pounded against her hoof, it was dull and faint, but Dash had no doubt they were tears.
Don't... don't cry. Please, I- I don't want you to cry alone. I can't do anything! I can't tell you it's alright, I can't squeeze your hoof! I can't cry with you... This- this is... I can't listen to you cry and be helpless to do anything! Don't make me go through this, don't make me feel helpless. If I can't comfort my friend what kind of friend am I?! If I'm making you all suffer I- I... I don't want you all to hurt because of me.
“Th- the doctor, he said that ya probably couldn't hear me... No, Ah shouldn't lie to myself, he said there was nothing left of ya, nothing but these machines. Oh Rainbow, Ah can't stand seeing you like this!” Applejack cried out, her breaths were rapid and weak as she rested her head on Dash's foreleg. “Ah never told anypony this, Mah parents... they both had a terrible accident, ah wasn't around when it happened, but when Ah was pulled out of school, Ah saw the aftermath. They were all tied to machines and contraptions, just like you. I- if it were just me, if the girls didn't need to say their goodbyes, I would take ya off these things right now..”
No! No! Please, don't say that! You can't, I'm still in here!
“You were always free and did just what you wanted, just like how we first met. You're just so right, up in the sky, flying like nopony could match you. Ya never had to be as good and loyal a friend as ya are, anypony else like that wouldn't need friend to hold them back, but you, ye'r one of a kind Rainbow. You deserve to be free, not tied to these damn things! Not breathing through a tube and having a piece of metal keep your heart going! T-this ain't fair! It's not what you would want! Being tied to these things for the rest of yer life, that's not something ya deserve, not when ya can never fly again!”
I can never fly again? Her strength and fire drained from her body as she began to think of the implications of her position. What does it matter if I stay on the life support if I can never fly? If all that happens is my friends have a constant reminder of this whole thing? They- they'll always be sad, they'll never be able to move on.
“When the others have said their goodbyes, you can rest peacefully... and fly free.” With a pain filled, choked sob, she pulled back, releasing Dash's hoof.
Come back please! I don't want to be alone!
“Goodbye Rainbow... Ah wish- Ah wish this wasn't happening,” Applejack whispered. She turned away and walked walked slowly towards the door, her hooves dragging with every step as though she were about to collapse from exhaustion. It was strange, Dash was sure she could hear her teardrops splashing down on the hard floor.
Applejack come back! Don't leave me! Dash tried with all her might to simply raise her hoof, but she was completely disconnected from her body, as if it wasn't even there. All she was, everything that made her even think she was alive, was a broken sense of touch, and warped hearing. She desperately tried to reach out, to grab hold of her friend, even knowing she was too far even if she could move. Nothing seemed more frightening than being alone and nothing hurt more than hearing the devastation in her friend's voice and not being able to do a thing. Rage burned through her, even that though, felt different. Instead of a burning in her chest as she was used to, the heat of her anger seemed everywhere, and everything.
Move! Move! Come on Rainbow, just raise your hoof, show her you're still in here! Applejack's steps were where she imagined the door was, a moment later, the door swung open.
“Goodbye Rainbow Dash.” With her final farewell, she rushed out the door and slammed it behind her. Rainbow was alone again.
Come back... please. With no outlet, the sadness pooled within her, it would have been suffocating if she didn't constantly feel on the verge of asphyxiating. She was alone, a kind of alone she never even imagined, that she couldn't imagine. Not only alone in the sense she was familiar with, but a new type of loneliness. Alone, without a body, without her senses. She was cut off almost entirely from the world. T- the only way I'm not alone is when they're here. I might as well be dead when their gone. I want somepony, anypony. I just can't take this. I don't know where my legs or wings are, I can't smell or taste, everything I hear seems unreal. Is this how I'm going to have to live for the rest of my life? A rush of horror blanched out any other feeling or sensation, the fear even drowning out the rhythmic sounds of the machines her life was tied to. I can't- I can't stay like this. If they can't fix me... No! My friends will save me, I don't want to die! I don't want to die. I don't...
**************************************************
What time is it? What day is it? Is it night or day? Where are my eyes? Would I even be able to see if they were opened for me? How would I tell them to open my eyes? What if they're already open? Rainbow agonized over her absent sense of time, she couldn't tell how long it had been since Applejack had said goodbye. Many fears plagued her thoughts; What if her friend's had already visited her and she forgot? What if she lost her hearing and the hum of machines was just her imagination? What if she was already dead? All the while, new and tortuous sensations began to take hold.
I'm thirsty... I need water. I need something to drink. Despite not being able to tell where her mouth was, nor feel anything from it, she could tell it and her throat were painfully dry. Suddenly, a new sound filled the room she was beginning to doubt existed anymore, the door had opened once again. It closed and light hooves approached, Dash recognized them, but couldn't place their owner.
Who is that? Doctor, Is that you? High pitched beeps sounded from the machines, she couldn't tell from where. On instinct she tried to open her eyes, only to be reminded of her condition. The impulse from her mind was lost, never reaching beyond a fleeting thought, dying before it could stimulate any muscle, just like all her attempts. Then, a soft scratching sound flooded her mind. It was familiar, and gave her a fond reminder of her new marefriend. It was the sound of a quill, scrolling across the surface of a paper with definite purpose and precision. Melancholic nostalgia took hold quickly as Twilight worked her way to Dash's forethought.
Twilight... she's going to see me like this. She's going to be sad, I won't... I won't be able to feel her, not really. I won't be able to squeeze her hoof. I won't see her and I can't tell her It'll be alright... I won't be able to do that for any of them. I couldn't- I couldn't help Applejack. She thinks I'm dead, they all think I'm dead! I'm not! I'm still alive!
Just as quickly as they came, the soft hooves retreated to the door. She found herself feeling thankful for the traffic from the door to her bedside. A mental map was beginning to form of the room she was in. It couldn't have been very big, based on the time it took for the sound of hooves to transverse it. Without a moment of delay, as soon as whomever reached the door, they opened it. She felt that the doctor would have said at least something. It must have been the nurse I guess. Damn I'm thirsty, I wish I could get some water. How would I drink? Could I swallow? I can't feel my throat. I'll just have to live with it... I guess that's the least of my problems.
The door closed behind the likely nurse, and the echo of their hooves faded to nothing. The white noise of her life support once again became her only attachment to her environment. At first comforting, the beeps and hums were now becoming unsettling. They rang on and on, wearing on her nerves, she wished for a new sound to break the encompassing noise she felt she was drowning in. If they can't fix me... is this how I will have to spend the rest of my life? Is this what living will mean for me? For how long? Will they really do it? They can't, their my friends, they couldn't just let me... they wouldn't. No, they'll get me out of this, they'll save me... but if they can't?
The sound of hoof beats returned, these were different than the last, it wasn't the nurse, but it also wasn't Applejack. These were soft, they dragged along the floor but they didn't have such a hard sound as the farmpony's. Though muffled behind a wall, she felt she knew the pony. As the door slowly creaked open, but only half way before a tense pause. Again, Rainbow wished for her eyes to open and her neck to move as curiosity and worry built up.
Who is it? I- Before she could complete her train of thought, the door opened fully, a stunned and horrified gasp quickly followed. From the tone of the gasp, Dash knew it was a mare, her breathing became shallow and for a moment, she seemed to step backwards, as though the very sight of Dash was too much to bear. A dull thump ended the gap of silence after her gasp.
What kind of pathetic state am I in for her to sound like that? What do I look like? Do I look peaceful, or do I look like I'm in pain? I hope it's pain, because that's how I feel. That would mean, maybe, they'll see that I'm in here, if I'm in pain.
“Oh Rainbow Dash...”
Rarity?
“Oh Celestia,” her voice trembled. She had only just lay eyes on Rainbow but she already sounded as though she were about to break into tears. “Rainbow Dash... I- I... Applejack was right.”
What was Applejack right about? What are you talking about? Don't sound like that, don't sound so scared! The feeling was contagious, Rarity's fear inspiring Dash's own. Rarity's hoof steps came closer and closer until her breathing was as loud as her life support. It was strange, her hear almost choosing where to place it's focus, and it was always distorted and slow, it was an agonizing way to hear. It made her feelings of isolation ever greater as even her moments of contact with the world were blurry and dull. Just as Applejack had however long ago, Rarity took Dash's hoof in hers, or at least she thought so. She felt something, something far away and very frail, but a connection all the same. Right or left? Which side of the bed was Rarity standing? What did she look like? Dash was terrified to find, she had a moment of trouble recalling her face.
What's happening to me!? What is this?! Oh Celestia I can't take this anymore! Come on eyes! Open!
“Oh Rainbow, your gorgeous mane...” she whispered with empathy and heartache. “I know It's not something you took particular pride in, but you were always beautiful, I hope know that. You were truly a beautiful mare, I- I wish we would have spent more time together, you and I. It would have been wonderful to take a spa day, just to two of us. Perhaps we could have had tea or simply have an outing together. There are so many things I regret...”
Rarity... Dash was awestruck. Her friend was clearly in so much pain for her sake. She could tell Rarity was holding back the raging storm of sadness and pain, just so she could keep her coherent thoughts flowing, for as long as she could.
“I remember the day you and I met. A rather serendipitous day. It was only shortly after you moved here to Ponyville. There I was, slaving over an order for an eccentric client from Manehattan that had to be done that weekend. At the time, it was one of the most important orders I had received and I just couldn't feel the inspiration, nothing I made was coming out right, I was nearing my wits end!”
Why are you all saying these things? Why are you telling me this? No... It can't be true. You aren't- you aren't really going to take me off life support are you? Why? Why would you all do that to me?
“Then, you showed up. I remember it so clearly. It was sunset on the night before my order was to be filled and I had worn through design after design. I could almost feel the clock ticking away. Suddenly, there was an immense clatter from kitchen. I was so startled, I thought somepony had broken in! With my tiny sewing scissors I crept into the room, expecting to find some nefarious masked criminal. My kitchen was in shambles. Broken dishes strewn the floor, my window was shattered and my kitchen table had been broken clean in half. In the middle of the room... was you.” She trailed off, a stifled whimper reached Dash, she could feel the weight of the sorrow within it. A freezing sensation flooded her consciousness, the cold feeling coming in uneven pulses. Each wave feeling like arctic water being plashed on her in large drops kept in time with Rarity's soft sobs.
I remember that day... I was practicing to show off to the Wonderbolts. They were doing a performance in town for the towns anniversary and the mayor somehow got them to perform. That was a long time ago, I'm surprised she remembers it so well. Rarity, she's really hurting. Don't, It's okay, I know you'll save me. Everything will be okay, so don't sound like that.
“I- I didn't know what to think.” Rarity's voice became cheerful as her sobs tapered off. It was a forced kind of happy, one that was imbued with her grief. “A pegasus mare with a brilliant rainbow mane and tail, just laying in a daze on my kitchen floor. I helped you to your hooves. I remember clearly, you were an absolute mess. Your mane was littered with broken wood and glass and appeared to have not been combed for days. After you dusted yourself off, you apologized and said you would pay me back before you vanished in a blur out my window, I must say I was dumbfounded. As I went about picking up your mess I found a tuft of your mane had caught it's self on the window frame. Suddenly, inspiration struck! It was grand, I designed a series of dresses inspired by our encounter. Wild! Fast! It was a fashion line that defined my feelings, my impression of you with a spectrum flare! It was easily the most bold design I had ever done! And you know... the client loved it. From then on, my designs were never timid or lackluster. They were bold, they were intense... just like our first meeting, just like you.”
I- I never knew. I inspired your work? I did that? I left in a hurry that day because I was embarrassed. I was afraid you would be mad at me. That was my first week in Ponyville and I didn't know anypony besides Fluttershy and Applejack. Aj and her family were so cool to me, I didn't want to make a bad impression on anypony in town. I felt like I really screwed up when I destroyed your kitchen, but... I helped you. I changed the way you made dresses? I didn't know I was even capable of something like that.
“The doctor... he told us there was nothing left of you. He said there was no way your heart would keep beating on it's own, and that you- your brain... Oh Rainbow! I had to see, I couldn't believe it was true!” Rarity cried. The floodgates opened, releasing the surge of anguish she had kept bottled up. The icy pounding came again to Rainbow as each tear slammed onto her. She could feel the emotional weight of each tiny drop, it felt like an iceberg collapsing on top of her with each tear. Rarity cried, and a stifling pressure rested on Rainbow, it hurt as the weight jerked and sobbed. She imagined Rarity's head resting on her, only inches from her hoof. Just inches from knowing, she was still alive.
“I just couldn't believe you could be taken from us so quickly, without any warning! Rainbow Dash, this is all my fault! Please, please forgive me! I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I just- I just wanted you to be happy. I- I thought I was doing a good thing I promise... I promise.”
Don't! Please don't feel guilty! Today... yesterday? The last day I was... alive, the last time I wasn't like this, it was one of the best days of my life. My time with Twilight, please don't regret doing that for me.
“Applejack told us... S-she said the doctor was right. She could tell when she saw you, there was nothing we could do. I refused to believe it, we couldn't just let you go! Not like this, there had to be something. Then, after what Applejack said about her parents, and what Fluttershy said... I needed to see you, I couldn't know if it was the right choice until I saw you... Now I know. I know you can't hear me, but... Please forgive me, forgive me for all of this!” The weight lifted to the sound of rapid hooves, galloping away from her. The cold, sad feeling fading more and more as she left, vanishing with Rarity as the door slammed behind her, leaving Rainbow alone with a terrifying realization. Terror replaced all other feelings, all but one. The one feeling that remained with her, was soon joined by guilt. She was angry, at her friends.
They really are... going to kill me.