A pair of stain and polished apple and cherry doors opened gracefully into the Dining Hall. To the refined, it is very pleasing to have doors made out of delicious-sounding wood leading to their extravagant mess, as it is pleasing to write prose about it. The dining furniture, on the other hand...
“Hmm… ash,” said Celestia. “Wait, I already knew that.”
But wait, you don’t care about any of this! Where’s Homer?
“OM-NOM-NOM-NOM…”
There he is.
“…NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM…”
Rarity suppressed a gag. Pinkie suppressed munching on the doors. Or the chairs. Couldn’t help nibbling on the table, though.
“THAT, is simply repugnant,” said Rarity.
“FNNKOO.”
Rarity received a Fnnkoo-ton of chewed food to the face. “That was NOT a compliment. Honestly… there’s nopony in all of Equestria with such table manners!”
“WOOSAI, REDDY?”
“AGGH! APPLEJACK!”
*Gulp* “Heh, sorry.”
“Oh it’s quite alright, dear. At least you APOLOGIZED for your crude behavior,” she stressed pointedly.
They joined Homer at the table. Twilight sat across from him, putting both of them next to the end chair where Celestia sat. Luna sat on her other side, while Pinkie sat on Homer’s other side. Applejack sat next to Pinkie, Rainbow next to her, Fluttershy next to Luna, and Rarity next to her. It was difficult for them to eat as Homer’s black hole of a mouth created a black hole of vision. Nopony in the room was able to look away for at least a solid minute each time they so much as glanced at him. Rarity was the only one whose attention wasn’t draw in, as she was determined not to give Homer any more attention, as well as not to throw up.
Twilight decided to try and stir up some conversation.
“Princess Luna, your coat is blue again!”
“Indeed, Twilight Sparkle.”
“I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I’ve been feeling a great deal of stress since…”
“Yesterday morning?”
“Now that I think about it, yes, I do believe that was when I started to feel, for lack of a better word, high strung.”
“And Discord’s prank set you off, so to speak?”
“Coupled with the prospect of greeting this Homer Simpson, I could barely think straight. I still don’t feel right.”
“…NOM-NOM-NOM. *Gulp* Marge, pass the steak sauce?”
No one spoke.
“Oh, right. Marge, PLEASE pass the steak sauce?”
…
“Would you like some salad dressing, Mr. Simpson?” asked Celestia.
“Um, sure, I guess… Queen…”
“Just Celestia will do.”
“Okay.”
Celestia levitated a bottle of orange vinaigrette to Homer, who followed its path with his eyes. “How do you do that?”
“Magic,” Celestia said with a smile on her face.
“A-HA-HA-HA-HA! There’s no such thing as magic!”
Everyone stared at him as though he had said “there’s no such thing as water.”
“Well, except for lightbulbs. Did you know that Thomas Edison invented them over a thousand years ago, and still no one knows how they work?”
“What do you mean ‘There’s no such thing as magic’?” asked Twilight Sparkle. “Magic is one of the fundamental forces that affects everything in the universe. There’s no doubt to whether it exists.”
“Only stupid people believe in magic.”
Everyone at the table found the remark to be quite unbelievable, while Twilight looked incredibly offended. Rarity gave a little “Hmph!” before continuing to eat.
“Also microwaves, they spin around food and it comes out hot. It’s weird! No one can explain it!”
Twilight tried to ignore the throbbing beginning in her head as she levitated Homer’s plate above his head.
“Wha… hey!”
“Note the absence of wires to suspend the plate, or a powerful updraft to launch it. There can be no doubt that the force holding it in place above the table is… OH!”
Homer had stood up on his chair to reach his plate. He jumped up and grabbed it, causing Twilight to reflexively lift him and his plate higher into the air to counteract his weight.
“Homer!” Shouted Twilight, struggling to orient him and the plate, “I can’t hold you up! Let go of the plate! WAIT, DON’T LET GO! DON’T LET GO!”
Homer didn’t need to be told twice. Or at all, really. He was busy trying to figure out how to eat the contents of his plate, paying no mind to the precariousness of his position. Twilight focused intensely on the plate and the man floating and hanging in the air respectively. She simultaneous “let go” of the plate and “caught” Homer Simpson, making the task of levitating them just slightly easier. Homer was shaken for a moment, but realizing that he and his food were safe, he continued eating, sans use of hands. As he finished off his plate, the mass of the food that was on the plate was added to him, but also subtracted from the plate, making for a total change in mass of… nothing. However, since this is a fanfiction of two cartoons, we’ll just pretend this somehow made him heavier.
Twilight couldn’t hold him any longer, and dropped him onto the end of the table, crushing two of the table’s legs, and launching the other end of the table slightly airward. When it came down, the trays, bowls, and plates of food had left for the alicorn at the other end of the table. I’ll give you a moment to retread the seating arrangements.
…
Yeah.
For the next two seconds, Princess Celestia became target practice for an assortment of vegetarian delights, such as Pappardelle Primavera…
*SPLAT*
Pesto Penne Parmesan…
*SPLORT*
…Caesar Salad with Celery Stalks and Sassafras…
*SPLURT*
…Anelli Alfredo and a side of Alfalfa and Applesauce…
*SPLOOT*
…and Beans.
*PRT*
Celestia was frozen in place, blinking to get salad dressing out of her eyes.
“Princess Celestia! Are you okay?” Twilight asked concernedly.
“Quite alright, dear Twilight,” she said, giving a smile.
Twilight couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t being honest with her response.
“Oh dear! Rarity!” said Fluttershy.
Everyone turned their attention back across the table. Rarity, in her determination to not pay any attention to Homer, had been the only one over her plate when the table had been upended. She was splayed out on the floor, with her head spinning.
“Rarity! Are you okay?!” shouted Twilight, as she ran to her side with the rest of her friends.
“Say something!” screamed Dash.
“It wasn’t me! I didn’t kill her! It was the Table I tell you! IT WAS THE TABLE!” cried Homer.
“SHE’S NOT DEAD!” Twilight and Dash both shouted at the same time.
“She’s not…” started Pinkie, “…aw, ponyfeathers!”
“…more puce, especially the shoes…” said Rarity dazedly.
“Rarity?” said Twilight. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Ohhh…” said Rarity, rubbing her horn, “what happened?”
“You took a real nasty blow there,” said Applejack, “you see, Homer…”
“Homer?!” said Rarity, “HOMER?! HOMER?!”
She marched over to where Homer was left sitting; on the end of the table, on Celestia’s plate. She looked him right in the eyes.
“YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CAUSED MY INJURY?!” she shrieked.
Homer shrugged guiltily.
“GYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHG!”
The sound let loose from Rarity’s lips was not unlike a Griffon’s cry… well, yeah, it was. It was unlike the cry of any other creature that had ever set foot in Equestria, filled to the brim with rage, frustration, and delicious, nutritious ham.
“HOW! DARE! YOU!” she shouted. “YOU… YOU… YOUR BEHAVIOR IS BARBARIC… AND… BARBARIC! SIMPLY BARBARIC!”
Barely able to find the words to express herself, she marched to the cherry double doors.
“AND… UNNACCEPTABLE!”
“Rarity, it…” started Twilight.
“UNNACCEPTABLE!!!”
She slammed the door behind her.
“…was kind of… my… fault.”
“Sure.” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes, “Homer grabbing onto a floating plate? TOTALLY your fault!” Twilight frowned at Dash, imagining the same consequences occurring after Homer declaring that it was impossible to fly, while Dash flew to within an inch of Homer’s face and glared him down. “…and while we’re on the subject, you want to know what happens the next time you screw up like that?!”
…
…
…
Rainbow groaned fiercely. “Back in the old days, my Dad told me that they chopped up bad ponies and threw them into the Rainbow mixers. If you hurt any of my friends ever again, you’ll get a one-way ticket to Cloudsdale, and it’ll be your FINAL…”
“RAINBOW DASH, STOP!”
“…and you DON’T wanna end up in the Rainbow Mixer! IT! IS! SPICY!”
Twilight loudly interrupted Dash’s threat and ruined Pinkie’s timing. She pulled her away from Homer.
“Rainbow Dash, this isn’t you! You’re not a mean pony!”
“I'm not being mean!” Dash said defiantly. “If he keeps doing things like that, then he’s got it coming!”
“Even if was causing trouble on purpose, these aren’t big problems! They can be fixed!”
“And what happen when he causes a problem we CAN’T fix?!”
“What WOULD happen?” A concerned voice said in Twilight’s head. It threw her off for a moment, but she brought herself back to her senses and said, “It’s no reason to threaten him the way you did. Remember when we all got out of control when he was bullying Luna? Something set all of us off. I don’t know what it was, but we need to restrain ourselves! What if we’re the ones who cause a problem that can’t be fixed?”
Rainbow grumbled, and turned away from Twilight.
“I think we should all make a Promise, to not give in to any of these aggressive inhibitions while Homer is in Equestria.”
“Ain’t no problem been solved by buckin’ it ‘til it went away,” said Applejack. “I’ll swear it.”
“Billy’s been getting kind of lonely, but I can just let him beat some eggs,” said Pinkie.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to stop myself from hurting him,” said Fluttershy, “even if I have to lock myself in my cottage, and move the cottage far, far away where nopony…”
“You don’t really need to do this, Fluttershy,” said Twilight. “You haven’t felt the same urges we have…”
“But I DO, I have a lot of built up stress and anger trying to get out, and I can’t let that happen!”
“Well, okay,” said Twilight unsurely. The four of them stacked their hooves on top of each other, first Applejack, then Fluttershy, then Pinkie Pie, then Twilight. They looked towards Rainbow Dash.
“Please, Dash? At least for us?”
Dash continued to scowl at them, but after a few seconds, the scowl melted away. She walked towards them and put her hoof on top of Twilight’s. “Okay. For you guys, I’ll do it.”
“Don’t forget to Pinkie Promise!” said Pinkie.
“Right,” said Twilight smiling.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” recited the five of them as they made the gestures.
“What about Rarity?” said Applejack after they finished. “Shouldn’t she be in on this, too?”
“She’s probably very tired, after everything that’s transpired today,” said Twilight. “We can tell her in the morning.”
“Homer,” said Rainbow Dash, “I’m sorry I shouted at you like that. Are we cool?”
Homer hadn’t been paying attention to much of anything at dinner besides dinner. Still, he awkwardly replied, “Um… sure… Miss… Flying… Horse…”
“Rainbow Dash.”
“Homer Simpson.” He offered his hand.
Rainbow Dash blinked. Then she stifled a snigger, and accepted the handshake.
“I’m glad you could resolve your differences for the time being,” said Princess Celestia, while giving a warm smile. “Now, even though practically all of the kitchen’s reserves have been depleted…”
Homer unbuckled his belt, and kicked back with an “AHHHHHH…”
“…I’ve had a very special desert made for the occasion of Homer Simpson’s visit.”
A male Earth Pony and a female Unicorn came in to the dining room pushing a small dining cart. They were drenched with sweat from trying to keep the trays in the dining room full. The unicorn levitated the covered tray to Celestia, then lifted the cover. Revealed was what looked like a pie, but was a bit too tall to be any ordinary pie. This was one of Celestia’s favorites, an original recipe put together by Pinkie Pie and the Cakes. The Apple-Cinnamon-Cherry Pie-Cake. Consisting of three layers, the top was a pie crust filled with cherries, the bottom a cinnamon-vanilla swirl cake, sandwiched around a thick layer of apple crumble.
“Thank you for the recipe, Pinkie.”
“It was nothing! Anyways, I got the Apple Crumble recipe from Applejack!”
“Well, shoot, you don’t need to thank me; Granny Smith taught me how to make it.”
Celestia smiled as she turned to Homer. “Seeing as you’re our guest, would you like to take the first…?” She stopped when she saw the crumbs around Homer’s mouth. She then looked to the pie-cake plate. Unlike Homer’s pie hole, there was a distinct lack of food debris (or food, for that matter) on the plate.
Celestia’s mouth hung open in shock.
“Are you gonna have yours?” asked Homer.
“Homer, that dessert was for everypony to share!” said Twilight. “I’m sorry Princess Celestia. We…”
Celestia did not seem to be listening. She was still staring at the empty plate with her eyes wide. “My sweet…” she barely whispered.
Everyone at the table stared at her with concern. “Sister?” said Luna, “Are you feeling alright?”
“Yes.” She replied softly. She slowly got out of her chair and left the dining room.
Silence reigned supreme for the next minute. Suddenly, it was stabbed in the back by a deafening sound of rage, sorrow, and loss.
“Et tu, Brute?” said Silence, in American Sign Language.
“MY BED! MY BED HAS BEEN DESTROYED! IT WAS MY ONLY SOURCE OF COMFORT IN THIS CRUEL, DARK WORLD!”
“TIA!” shouted Luna, who galloped away towards her sister's screaming.
The reMane-ing Five tried eating more salad, as there was no dessert, to distract them from the distressing noises that came from the direction in which the Princesses had left. Homer stared at the door, wondering what exactly he had just caused. Minutes later, after the ruckus had subsided, Luna reentered the dining hall. Her mane had been mussed, and slightly singed.
“Twilight Sparkle, my sister wishes to speak to you in her room.” Twilight and her friends started to get up, but Luna added, “Alone.”
The other four reseated themselves. Twilight followed Luna to Celestia’s chambers. Twilight had seen them before, having previously lived in the castle while having a close bond to her mentor. Luna left her at the door, presumably going to check on the night sky. Twilight opened the door, and was given a mild shock.
Celestia’s bed had apparently been snapped cleanly in two and set on fire from the looks of it, but most troublesome of all was the Princess herself. She lay down on a large rug and pillow, not in a comfortable way, but like a sick animal. She stirred as Twilight entered the room.
“Twilight, I’m very sorry, about this. I don’t know what got into me.”
“Don’t blame yourself, Princess. I’d get angry too if my bed was broken and set on fire.”
The Princess shook her head. “The fire was my doing, I’m afraid. I doubt that I’ll be able to continue doing my duties in a state like this.”
“Twilight had twice before feared for Princess Celestia’s life. When she had disappeared on the Eve of the Summer Sun, and when she had been overpowered by Queen Chrysalis. But she had quickly recovered both times. Now she seemed so weak and tired.
“What should I do?!” she cried out. “There’s got to be a treatment for this in one of my books… no, maybe the royal archives…”
“No, Twilight,” said Celestia. “I will cope with my predicament alone. There’s nothing you can do until we know more about what’s happening to me… no, what’s happening to all of us. In the meantime, I shall entrust Princess Luna with the duty of raising and lowering the sun. As for you, return to Ponyville with Homer and your friends. Your new assignment in friendship research shall be to learn more about Homer by making friends with him, all six of you.”
“But how? He’s so… so… difficult!”
Celestia grinned. “I can’t remember you ever turning down an assignment because it was too difficult.”
“But this thing that’s happening to you, it’s happening to all of us! How can we make friend with him while some mysterious force that may or may not be connected to him is tearing us apart?!”
Celestia sighed. “In my many years as a Princess of Equestria, even I have made mistakes. But in all of the years we’ve been together, you’ve never let me down, Twilight Sparkle. Go back to Ponyville. You will find the key to this mystery. You have my complete faith.
Twilight held back tears as Princess Celestia beamed at her, so confident in her despite her weak state. Unable to help herself, she nuzzled Celestia, who accepted the gesture. Twilight quietly left the room, leaving Celestia to lie back down. Moaning in discomfort, she tried hard to relax herself.
Twilight came back to the dining room, to find Fluttershy staring gloomily at her full plate (having barely touched it all evening), Applejack unwieldily picking her teeth with her hooves, Rainbow Dash with her head down on the table, and Pinkie Pie soundly defeating Homer at cups and balls.
“This time I’ve got you beat,” said Homer smugly.
“Is it the middle one?” asked Pinkie.
“D’OH!”
He shuffled the cups.
“There’s no way you’ll guess it this time!”
“Is it the middle one?”
“D’OH!”
He shuffled the cups again.
“You’ll never guess it now! Here’s a hint, it’s NOT in the middle cup!”
“Is it the middle one?”
“D’OH!”
“Girls,” said Twilight.
Everyone turned their attention towards Twilight.
“We’re going home.”