//------------------------------// // Day Two: F U // Story: To be a Lawn Ornament // by little big pony //------------------------------// There’s really not that much that happens in the gardens at night—go figure-- so I did the only thing a guy that couldn’t move, blink, or talk could do. I looked down and started to count blades of grass while humming folksongs. And no, that’s not crazy. That's FUCKING bored. I got to about ten-thousand before I realized that was the worst thing that I could be doing with my statue time, so, not being able to sleep for reasons, I just made up more statue jokes until Sunbutt’s sun rose in the sky. They’ll never take me for granite again… That’s a good one, I thought, looking around, trying to find something that wasn’t another statue or bird or fucking blade of grass, something that could break this hell that was my boredom. I didn’t see anything for hours, but, as soon as the sun came up, I heard a gaggle of giggles—don’t look at me like that—coming from behind me, so that was something. “Fleur, we can’t do this out here!” “Hush! We will not be caught, my Dear, it is too early for anypony else to be out and about. I have you all to myself for the next few hours~.” Is that Blue?” I thought, really wishing I could look around. Does he have a lady friend with him? If he did then, well good for him. I was always on the fence about whether or not the guy was playing for the other team, but since I guess he wasn’t, I didn’t need to get nervous whenever he took me and a couple of the other guys out for cider. Probably, he could still be bi after all. This was when I realized that I probably owed a pony ten bits because of a bet.... Stop looking at me like that; you've never had a gay-bet on one of your buds before! There was a bit more shuffling behind me before Blue poked his head out from my side with… Is that Fleur de lis?! Blue isn’t gay and he’s macking on supermodels?! I know he’s a Prince and everything, but Jesus., good for him. The two were giggling like little a pair of kids on a sugar-high, Blue practically hopping in place as the FUCKING SUPERMODEL stopped to look at me. “What an odd statue,” she muttered, her voice like every wet dream I’ve ever had and melted dark chocolate all wrapped into one. Damn, Blue! You HAVE to be packing; probably got a five-dollar foot-long down there, don’t ya? Blue stopped walking to join his probably fuck-buddy, looking at my magnificent mug. “That looks like somepony I know,” Blue said quietly, looking around like he expected somebody to see them. “It doesn’t have a podium,” Fleur observed, while I ‘rolled’ my eyes. I can see why they don’t pay you for your brains, Honey, I thought, hoping that she would be a dear and turn around so I could check out dat flank. And you shouldn’t be paying attention to me, you have some sort of porn star right next to you, so you better get on that. Blue nodded at what the mare said, poking me with a hoof. “I’ve honestly never seen a statue like this before,” If I could have, I would’ve bitten him when he poked my nose, just to scare the shit out of him “And I’ve walked these gardens since I was little." I knew it was going to get interesting when Fleur, looking over at him with a sly smile, reached back and smacked his flank. “And you’re not little anymore, my big Colt~.” Finally! I never thought I was going to see something like this! I thought, internally rubbing my hands together. Well, let’s get a move— “Did you bring Big Joe?” “Of course, Petit Ami. Just let me let him strapped on and the fun can begin~.” —On? Now, I’m not really a guy to judge these types of things, what you do in the bedroom is your business, but when I’m given a front fucking seat for… whatever’s gonna happen, I think I have the right to judge you just a little bit. …Annnd she pulling out a strap-on. A big strap-on… “Hurry up, Honey, I can’t wait!” Maybe I don’t have to pay Hoplite those ten bits an—oh, here we go... I tried, oh god dammit I tried, to look away when the final strap was tightened, when Blue wiggled his rump and lifted his tail, but, still being a statue, I couldn’t even close my eyes to block out what was absolutely going to be a shit show. “You better bite your hoof, Blueblood, because Je vais dans un endroit sec!” I won’t go into details about what happened during those fifty minutes—yes, I counted—but I will tell you, with the utmost certainty, that you DO NOT want to know. It was emotionally draining to watch… Like if you ever get the chance to watch a guy bone a burning dolphin… Don’t think about that too much, I’m still a little…out of it… …I will have nightmares for the rest of my life… *Shudder* Just happy thoughts, just happy thoughts, just happy thoughts— “There’s my favorite human! How are you doing on this fine Tuesday morning? ” I crawled out of my happy-place to look up, Dizzy staring down at me with that little look of his, which was a little too smug for my liking right now. Drinking the glass from his glass of chocolate milk that he was holding and throwing the milk over his shoulder, he flicked my nose and said, “So, who’s this been treating ya?” Hey, don’t flick me, Fucker! You might chip something! The big ol’ silly Frankenstein raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t worry about that,” he said, while I ‘blinked’ in surprise. “As soon as Celestia decides to let you go, the spell she'll use will fix everything that’s damaged on you.” …You can hear me? I asked, while he wrapped his weird snake body around me. “Of course I can hear you, Bob!” Dizzy said, waving a paw dismissively. “And I thought Twilight taught you better manners than that!” He gave me a little pouty look. “When somepony asks you how you’re doing, you usually need to ask them back for politeness sake.” …How are you doing, Dizzy?... And I’m not doing to good; thank you for asking… He smacked my shoulder with a paw. “There you go! I’m doing very well, Bob, thank you for asking!” Fucking smartass… He gasped. “Bob, watch that mouth of yours! You never know when other ponies are around, and here you are using racial slurs like some kind of inconsiderate beast.” I ‘raised’ an eyebrow while he tsked me. Ass is a slur? His red eyes twinkled mischievously while he snapped a claw, summoning another glass of milk. “No, but I love it when you get that look on your face,” With another snap, he had a straw. “Stone cold it is.” I ‘sighed’. You’re the worst… He did a little spin in the air before landing right next to me. “You are not the first to tell me that, my little Human,” he purred, tracing my jawline in what I hoped was a totally no-homo way. “And I recall that you said that your morning has been,” He hummed at me with a knowing look on his face. “Difficult.” I ‘sighed’ again. You have no idea… The way he nodded almost made me think that he actually knew what I had went through, but in a flash his little grin was back. “Did somepony put you on a pedestal?” When I get out of this… He just chuckled, floating in front of me. “Weeelll, would it make you feel any better if I told you that a certain purple princess was arrested the other day for breaking and entering?” I didn’t know whether to groan or laugh. She broke into my house? I asked. He nodded, looking down at his claws. “Yep, a concerned citizen saw that our newest princess was doing something… naughty,” He winked. “He or she dug deep and decided to do the right thing and call the guard on her.” Now I was laughing. Did she get anything good? “Just a few pair of socks, cups, and your toothbrush, nothing that you can’t get in a day… Though she DID break one of your windows… And a coffee table.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, Books is the WORST. Thanks, Dizzy, you’re a real pal. He bowed before turning away. “Well, it has been a joy talking to you, Bob, but I must be off. Fluttershy and I are having tea at eleven,” He waved. “You should go and lay down; you look as stiff as a rock.” Ha ha ha, you’re real funny, Dizzy. “Somepony has to be. If everypony acted as stony as you the world would be a dull place.” I guess if was an off day for the gardens, cause there really weren’t that many ponies running around, so I was back to thinking up statue jokes for the rest of the day. At least until Moonbutt’s moon rose in the sky… It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson, though only one of my statue may be able to see it. …I was thinking up good ones all day, I swear! That one was just… Look, it wasn’t by best work and I was getting close to losing it, so I can say a few shitty jokes every once in a while, alright? I ‘looked’ up at the moon and the stars. There’s nothing to do, but at least the stars are pretty, I mused, staving off madness enough to hear someone’s wings flapping toward me. I growled. That better not be bats. I don’t want bat shit on me too. “There thou are,” a really creepy voice whispered in my ear, almost scaring me out of my… statue… I guess… Please don’t be some crazy pony with a bat, please don’t be a crazy pony with a b—Oh… it’s just Moonbutt… Said princess sat in front of me, ruffling her feathers with the weirdest look on her face. “He is right there to practice on,” she muttered, looking up at me before gulping. “Thou art the Regent of the Moon, Thou can practice on one who will never remember this without losing thy nerve!” And what the heck are you practicing on me, Moonbutt? I thought while the alicorn started pacing in front of me, nervousness clearly etched on her face. “Hello, Sir Bob,” she said after a minute. “It is a lovely night, is it not?” Even though you’re being adorable, Moonbutt, you can’t hear me… I think, so it really doesn't matter, does it? She looked down and muttered to herself. “No no, We have to say it with more authority!” Her widdle chest puffed out and she looked into my eyes. “Hello, my Subject, is our night not lovely?” She giggled, a hoof going to her mouth. “Ah, yes, of course you may complement us and our night… Nay, We demand that thou sing of our beauty!” She touched my cheek. “Oh, thou would like to ask us to join thee on a midnight stroll?” She blushed, looking away from me. “Thou wish to take us out to dinner?...” I watched this whole worrying—and REALLY adorable— scene play out in front of me with a little mental smile. Aw, does Wuna have a crush?... I honestly don’t know whether to be scared or flattered… The widdle princess leaned closer to me. “Of course We would go with you…” She leaned in and pecked me on the cheek before dashing away. “Yes, that is how it will work out! You can do this, you can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!” …I guess somepony’s asking me out then… Not the weirdest thing that’s happened to me today, I guess. Shit, I might even let her get to tier eleven… Not able to help myself, I thought, I wonder if that could be considered… statuetory rape?