The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation
Chapter 116: Pinkie Vs. Assassination Attempt
-ooooooo-
Laughter was Pinkie’s designated element for good reason. While it was true she often accidentally excelled at being an annoyance, she also excelled at making ponies and people laugh. Even bringing joy to the most irritable, and surly individuals. Tonight was no exception.
Pinkie sat at a small booth next to Dan, wearing her vest, white shirt, and jean shorts outfit. Across from them sat Elise and Chris, and in between both couples sat empty plates and glasses, the remnants of a finished meal. Pinkie excitedly spoke as she made enthusiastic motions with her hands, “… So then the doctor asks me for a ‘rectal speculum’, and of course I have no idea what he’s talking about…”
Dan, Chris, and Elise all laughed openly. “Hahahahaha…”
Pinkie continued her story, “… So I just stare at him for a moment and ask, ‘Why the hay is there a butt spatula?”
The laughter from her audience increased. “Hahahahahahahaha…”
“… it’s about that point the doctor finally realizes I’m completely unqualified to help him perform surgery and kicks me out of the room and that’s why I’m no longer allowed in the Ponyville Emergency Room.”
Chris attempted to control his laughter long enough to get a response out. “Hahahaha—Why did—hahahahehehe—Why did they even let youin the room in the first place?!”
Pinkie shrugged and smiled. “Dress for the job you want to have, I guess… Or at least the one you’re pretending you know enough about so they’ll even let you try…”
“… Hahahahaha…”
There was a soft sound, like something rapidly moving through the air, quickly followed by Elise lunging onto the table. The group went silent.
“Eeep…” Pinkie uttered as she stared at the long chef’s knife that was inches away from her face. A knife that had just been thrown at her head. A knife now held safely in Elise’s hand as she leaned across the table, stopped with not a split second to spare by her lightning-fast reflexes.
Dan shoot a look of pure, unadulterated rage at the waiter who had thrown the knife, a young man with short, brown hair who wore jeans and a long-sleeved, maroon shirt covered by a black apron. He frowned as he reaching for another knife.
Dan was out of the booth and sprinting to the waiter in a flash. Other employees of the restaurant looked on with grim expressions as they approached.
“Sir! I don’t want to hurt you!” The waiter said as he raised another knife. “She’s the targ—”
The waiter was cut short as he noticed a red flash followed by Dan moving with a speed he would not have expected.
Dan quickly thrust his fist into the waiter’s stomach.
‘POW!’
The waiter’s eyes went wide as he dropped his knife and fell to his knees. The air in his lungs was quickly pushed out as pain radiated out from the blow to his midsection.
The other employees paused as they witnessed Dan quickly dispatch Pinkie’s would-be assassin
Elise grabbed a glass off the table and lobbed it at a balding man in a chef’s jacket. The glass hit the side of his face and shattered with a ‘Kkrrrieeeesssshhh!’ The man fell to the ground. The other employees took a few steps back as Dan continued to mercilessly assault his target.
“Come on!” Elise cried as she quickly stood up. Chris followed as Elise grabbed Pinkie Pie by the hand and practically dragged the stunned girl out of the booth. The three of them made their way to the restaurant’s wooden double door entrance, Chris holding open a door for Pinkie and Elise. The soft light of the restaurant gave way to streetlight and twilight as the three made their way outside onto the concrete walkway.
Seeing that both her best friend and husband where safe, Elise turned back towards the restaurant doors. “I’m going back inside!” she announced.
“You’re going back for Dan?” Chris asked.
Elise tilted her head slightly. “I was thinking more hospitalizing the man who threw a knife at Pinkie’s face, but I’m sure that will somehow help Dan… or at least he will be happy about that.”
Pinkie frowned and whimpered slightly.
Elise sighed. “Fine! I’ll rescue Dan.”
Pinkie give a small smile and nodded.
‘Kkkkrrrrrrieeeeeesssshhhh!’
Without warning, one of the restaurant’s front windows shattered as the man who attacked Pinkie flew through it. He landed with a ‘thump!’ onto the concrete walkway of the restaurant.
There was a brief silence as Chris, Elise, and Pinkie simply stared for a moment.
Chris broke the silence. “… Did that man just fling himself through a closed window to get at Pinkie?!”
Elise and Pinkie raised their eyebrows and stared at Chris.
“Chris; honey,” Elise replied. “That sounds very unlikely.”
“MORE unlikely than Dan picking up and throwing him out the window?!” Chris cried.
Elise paused. “Alright, you have a point…”
Suddenly the double doors to the restaurant opened as Dan slowly pushed each one aside. He walked slowly and methodically out the doorway as his eyes caught the heap of waiter on the ground.
“Chris, how’s our waiter doing?” Dan asked simply.
Chris looked over the fallen waiter. Unmoving, save for the slight rise and fall of his chest. “He’s… uh… breathing?” he replied.
Dan’s face suddenly erupted into an open lipped smile of pointy teeth and eyes with a mad glint in them. “Good.”
Elise quickly stepped in front of Dan.
Dan narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Out of the way Elise. This man tried to kill Pinkie and I’m not about to let him off lightly.”
Elise nodded. “I just want to get a few hits in before you beat him into a bloody pulp.”
Dan rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. “Alright fine, but hurry it up. I still need to smash his face up until he’s only identifiable by dental records.”
Elise nodded. “Deal.”
Chris’s face went pale. “I think I want to go home, now…”
Pinkie quickly stepped in front of the fallen man. “I think you got him!”
Elise threw her arms up in frustration. “How come I never get to beat up people anymore?!”
Chris looked over at his wife. “You’re upset because you don’t get to beat up an unconscious restaurant employee?”
“Who attacked Pinkie with a knife!” Elise shot back. “Also, ‘yes’.”
Dan furrowed his brow as he looked past Elise at Pinkie. “I think you and I have very different definitions of ‘got him’”.
“I don’t want you to kill anybody!” Pinkie cried as she walked up to Dan.
“HE TRIED TO KILL YOU!” Dan yelled.
“I’M SURE HE HAD A GOOD REASON!” Pinkie screamed back.
Chris raised his hand. “Uh, for what it’s worth I also vote we don’t murder this man in this very public place.”
“Good thinking, Chris,” Elise said. “That way we can beat him up and torture him at our leisure.”
Chris’s eyes went wide. “But that’s not—”
Dan grinned wickedly. “I like it!”
“BY CELESTIA’S SPARKLY MANE!” Pinkie cried. “YOU TWO ARE NOT HAULING THIS MAN AWAY SO YOU CAN TAKE TURNS TORTURING HIM!”
Dan and Elise frowned. “But—”
Pinkie pointed off into the parking lot. “NO ‘BUTS’! WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE CAR SO I CAN HAVE A SOMEWHAT LESS PUBLIC MELTDOWN! ALRIGHT?!”
Dan and Elise’s each put on a surprised expression as Pinkie shrieked at them.
“Just trying to be a good boyfriend…” Dan muttered.
“And a good friend,” Elise added.
“WELL, DO IT WITHOUT KILLING ANYBODY!” Pinkie cried shrilly.
Dan put a hand up to his mouth and leaned towards Elise. “Can we even do that, here?”
Elise shrugged. “Well, if it’s what Pinkie wants.”
Pinkie took a half step closer to Dan and Elise, placing her face inches away from theirs. “IT IS WHAT PINKIE WANTS! NOW LET’S GO TO THE CAR!”
“Ow…” Dan uttered. He and Elise winced and covered their ears.
“We’re right here,” Dan said. “You don’t have to yell.”
“I CAN’T TURN YELLING OFF RIGHT NOW!” Pinkie shrieked. “NOW GET TO THE BUCKING CAR!”
The four quickly made their way to Chris and Elise’s blue sedan, where Chris quickly started the car and drove away from the restaurant.
For a while there was sil—
“WHAT THE BUCKING HAY WAS THAT?!” Pinkie cried as she began to breathe a number of short and shallow breaths.
Dan scrunched his brow. “Are you hyperventilating?”
“Huff-puff-huff-puff… SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO KILL ME! OF COURSE I’M HYPERVENTILATING!” Pinkie cried.
Dan pulled back slightly from the screaming then leaned over and wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s alright! People try to kill us all the time!”
“NOT EMPLOYEES AT OUR FAVORITE BUCKING RESTAURANT, THOUGH!”
Elise sighed. “You should have let us take the waiter. We could have at least got some answers from him…”
“YOU TWO WERE GOING TO TORTURE HIM TO DEATH!”
Elise shrugged. “I would have considered offering him a quicker death had he told us something useful!”
Dan scratched his stubble covered cheek. “Maybe we he’s still lying on the walkway…”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes and put her face right up against Dan’s. “You just keep quiet and get to comforting me!”
Dan scrunched his lips slightly and wrapped his other arm around Pinkie. She laid her head down in Dan’s lap.
“Hey!” Elise said. “Maybe we can figure out what hospital he’s going to be taken to! Then we can—”
“Elise,” Pinkie snapped, “you can also shut up for a second!”
Elise frowned slightly. “Alright, fine…”
Pinkie glanced towards the driver of the car. “Chris, please tell me you’ve thought of why someone might have tried to kill me or have an idea that doesn’t involve murdering someone else.”
“Hmmmm…” Chris placed an arm across his chest and rested an elbow in his hand has he stroked his chin thoughtfully.
Everyone else’s eyes shot open wide.
“CHRIS,” Elise cried. “KEEP AT LEAST ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL!”
‘HONK-HOOOOONK!’
“Ghah!” Chris cried as he quickly grabbed the wheel and jerked it to the right, pulling the car back into the proper lane.
The occupants of the car leaned to the left briefly before centering themselves once more.
Pinkie shot a worried smile towards the front of the car. “Also, please try to answer without accidentally killing all of us,” she requested.
Dan glowered at Chris. “Chris, how the heck did you even pass your driver’s licens test in the first place? Every time we let you drive, it’s like we’re gambling with our lives and the only prize we get if you’re successful is arriving at our destination alive and slightly mentally scarred.”
“Pinkie asked for my help!” Chris cried. “Sorry, someone asking for my thoughts on something doesn't come up very often! I got carried away!”
Dan looked at Pinkie, narrowed his eyes, and motioned out at Chris. “See what happens when you talk to him like he’s people?”
Pinkie mirrored Dan’s expression. “Quiet you! You’re still on snuggling duty.”
Dan sighed and wrapped his arms around Pinkie once again. Pinkie in turn leaned her head back on Dan’s lap.
“Now Chris,” Pinkie said, “try coming up with an idea while watching the road and keeping the car in the lane.”
Chris put on a ponderous face, keeping his hands on the wheel and paying a bit more attention to the road this time around. “Weeell… Remember that waitress from Lenny’s you kept on harassing?”
Dan smirked.
Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hehehe… Yeah… Good times.” Pinkie frowned. “Wait! I mean I tried to make things better with her!” she exclaimed.
Chris nodded. “Sure, but she still attacked you.”
Pinkie sighed. “Yeah…”
“And she mentioned something about a ‘food service code’, right?”
Pinkie suddenly sat upright. “Oooo! You’re right, Chris!”
Dan and Elise showed a little more interest in the conversation.
Chris continued, “So maybe there’s some secret organization of restaurant workers and you’re now on their hit list.”
“Oooo! Oooo! Like when those barbers tried to kill Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Dan folded his arms over his chest. “And all because Becky’s dad didn’t want me to date her.”
Pinkie smirked. “Also you stole her driver’s license and snuck up on her dad while he was sleeping and shaved his head.”
“Fe!” Dan said dismissively. “Details!” He thought for a second and added. “… And he screwed up my hair first!”
Elise smiled and placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Nicely done, handsome! At least we have a working theory.”
Chris smiled at his wife, placed a hand on hers, and another on her thigh. “Thanks, beautifully.”
‘HOOOOONK-HOOOOONK!’
“CHRIS!” Elise exclaimed as she quickly dove for the wheel and turned it right.
The occupants of the car made a number of alarmed cries as Elise got the car back in the right lane.
Chris quickly put his hands back on the wheel.
“Alright mister,” Elise said, “pull over. I’m driving.”
“Thank you!” Dan huffed out.
“But…” Chris said in a protesting tone.
“No ‘buts’!” Elise said. “Almost getting us all killed twice is my limit for one evening!”
After pulling over, Chris switched places with Elise and the car ride continued.
Chris turned around in his seat looked into the backseat. “Dan, did you throw that man through a window?”
“No, I punched him through a window,” Dan replied.
Elise scrunched her eyebrows. “Like… he was standing right in front of the window when you hit him?”
Dan shook his head. “No he sailed a good few feet after I hit him…”
Chris and Elise exchanged confused, worried expressions.
Chris continued, “How is… How is that even possible?”
Pinkie smiled. “Remember when Dan and I got teleported to that cloudy dimension and I got turned back into a pony?” she asked.
Chris winced. “I remember the pony part pretty vividly.”
Elise chimed in, “And you both told us about the actual capture and escape part enough times I almost feel like Chris and I were both there.”
Pinkie continued, “Well, Dan’s started to figure out how to use some of his abilities he had in that place! Isn’t that great?” she said cheerfully.
Chris and Elise turned towards each other as panic set on their faces as quickly as a light bulb switching on. They both took deep breaths and responded the only sensible way they could think of.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Terrified screaming.
Dan folded his arms and stared forward grumpily.
Pinkie’s expression went blank as she turned to stare at Dan, then up front, then back to Dan.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Just let them get it out of their system…”
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Chris and Elise continued to scream until they made it back to their single story, adobe home. The four occupants of the car exited and made their way to the house.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Pinkie cocked her head to the side as she looked at Dan. “Should we…?”
“They have to stop some time,” Dan replied as everyone made their way into the house. He closed the door behind the group as Chris and Elise elected to stand in their living room and continue screaming.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Dan sighed and made his way to Chris and Elise’s large couch. “Goofball, why don’t you pick out a movie or something. Looks like these two imbecileles might be at it for a while…”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. She bounded up to a cabinet full of thin rectangular items and ran her finger over each one as she stared at the titles. Her face lit up as her finger drifted over a particularly wide box. She pulled it out and showed it to Dan with a smile on her face.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Dan shrugged. “Alright, go ahead.”
Pinkie grinned as she opened up the box labeled ‘Lord of the Rings’ with the words ‘Extended Edition’ printed at the top. She went about setting up the TV and then happily bounded up to the couch where she sat next to Dan and leaned her head on his shoulder.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
-ooo~~Several disc changes later~~ooo-
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Dan and Pinkie stared out at the screen their eyes bleary and veiny. Pinkie rested her head on Dan’s lap as she laid sprawled across the length of the couch. Dan’s head sat cocked and his shoulders slumped as his arms were draped limply over Pinkie. The darkness outside had already given away to sunlight that flooded the living room.
“Well, I’m back …” was uttered from the TV speakers accompanied by a melodic whistle.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
With what seemed like a tremendous amount of effort, Pinkie rose off the couch and walked over to the TV. She fiddled with the disk player in front and carefully put away the film trilogy she and Dan had started the night before.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Pinkie trudged back over to the couch and helped Dan to his feet.
Dan shot a tired, angry scowl at Chris and Elise.
“Soo… Pinkie and I are going to go get some sleep,” he informed.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
“You two try to get all this stupidness out of you while we’re away…”
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Stifling yawns, Dan and Pinkie made their way out of the house.
-ooo~~Several hours of sleep later~~ooo-
Dan pushed open the door to Chris and Elise’s house, hoping the many hours away had given the two time to…
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
“WOULD YOU TWO IDIOTS KNOCK IT OFF, ALREADY?!” Dan cried. “WE STILL NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY PINKIE WAS ATTACKED, AND IT’S KIND OF HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU TWO ARE CONTINUOUSLY SCREAMING!”
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
Pinkie walked in and stared at Chris and Elise with concern.
Dan sighed. “Wait here,” he said to Pinkie as he walked out of the house.
Pinkie waited patiently as Dan walked outside. He quickly returned with a garden hose he had kinked at the end. He pointed the end at Chris and Elise and let the hose go straight.
“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHARRGARBLE!”
Chris and Elise threw their hands up in front of their faces as Dan drenched them with water.
“Dan—AHHRAHHGRABBLE— STOP!” Chris pleaded.
“Are you two finally done screaming?!” Dan demanded.
“YES, YES!” Elise cried. “PLEASE STOP HOSING US DOWN IN OUR OWN LIVING ROOM!”
Dan let the hose fall to the floor.
“Really, Dan!” Elise cried. “You brought a garden hose into our house?!”
“Drastic times call for drastic measures!” Dan shot back.
Chris quickly grabbed the hose and ran outside.
Pinkie chimed in, “You two have been screaming for almost an entire day at this point.”
“Sorry,” Elise replied, “it’s just that we find the idea of Dan being able to teleport objects at will and channel energy into his fists objectively terrifying.”
“Hey, you know what else is frightening?” Dan chimed in. “THE IDEA THAT THERE’S A SECRET ORGANIZATION OF RESTAURANT WORKERS WHO WANT TO KILL PINKIE!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and whimpered slightly.
Elise pursed her lips as Chris walked back into the house, closing the door behind him.
“Alright, Chris and I will help you two figure this out—” Elise said.
“Good!” Dan replied. “Let’s get—”
“After we’ve gotten some sleep!” Elise stated.
“What?!” Dan cried. “Oh, come on!”
“It’s okay, Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “We can sit here and watch more movies!”
Dan pursed his lips. “Alright, fine…”
Chris stifled a yawn as he and Elise walked out of the room. “Goodnight, Dan.”
“IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON!” Dan cried.
“Ooooh Daaaaan~” Pinkie purred out.
Dan turned to see Pinkie holding up a copy of ‘STAR WARS: The Complete Saga’.
Dan grinned. “I love you.”
Pinkie giggled. “I know.”