//------------------------------// // A shrubbery! // Story: Why was I so lucky? Because magic // by Artyom the Brony //------------------------------// “Where the hay were you!” Dash shouted, accusatorily pointing a hoof at me. “I was running so fast you couldn’t keep up. I did all I wanted to and left,” I said. That’s a lie, I still need to do something active. Dash growled. “Liar! Rematch! This time if you actually DO finish, you wait here! Got it?” “Crystal clear ma’am,” I replied, giving her a curt salute and walking over to where we originally started. She muttered something under her breath, but I couldn’t quite catch it. She flapped up next to me and hovered there, slowly bobbing up and down, up and down, in a rhythmic pattern, in a lullaby kinda way… or something like that. I wanna go to bed, screw this. “Hey, buddy? Wanna stop staring at me?” I looked her in the eyes. “What if I said no?” She opened her mouth, then closed it… looked down at the ground, and proceeded to ponder the statement. “I would say… READYSETGO!” She shouted, dashing, heh, away. I sighed. “Silly ponies,” I started to jog after her. “Sweet… mother… of…. Thor… that was… a long run,” I said, gasping for air. We started mid afternoon, it was now six in the evening. “Oh it wasn’t that bad!” Dash said, poking me in the side. “Says you… she who can swap between the separate muscles of wings and legs,” “Yeah well… deal with it,” “I am good at doing that,” I said, throwing an arm into the air. “So… wanna get something to eat?” “Sweet mother of flumph yes,” “… Flumpf?” “It’s how I’m going to get around swearing,” I answered, getting up and… walking. Oh god the soreness. “Why can’t you swear. Like buck you, or what the hay,” “I dunno, you all just seem childish to me, and there are actually kids here so… break the habit now and I don’t have to deal with it later,” “Yeah I guess so,” Dash said, looking off into space. We walked back to town in silence. “Hey, what are these?” Dash asked, pointing to my grenades. “Uhh… really dangerous firecrackes,” I could have sworn I told them what these were. Maybe not. Meh. “Cool! Can we set them off in Rarity’s place to scare the heck out of her?” “What? NO! No. No that would be bad, for a lot of reasons,” “Oh c’mon! What could happen,” I though of an unfortunate rebel I had seen on one of my operations. Well… part of the rebel anyways. “Well, it wouldn’t be hard for these to set the whole place on fire, and that would burn down her home and business all in one go,” Dash looked down. “Yeah I guess. I’m just bored though! I’m in a pranking mood!” “Well…” I said, thinking of numerous ways to piss people off. “We could place a fake spider somewhere. “YES! You are a genius!” “I passed highschool with a two point seven,” “Not the point!” She shouted, grabbing my collar and zooming towards… a prank store, I guess. About five minutes later, and an inch less of rubber on my boots on account of her dragging me at warp speed, we arrived at some store. Dash more or less shoved me in. Hey! I was right… and by Odin does this place terrify me. Itching powders, whoopee cushions, oil slick, PINS! Rows and rows and rows, and a column, of things to make your life a living mild inconvenience. I shuddered as Dash led me to the counter. I glanced one more time at the pins… I don’t like needles. “Hey Dash! What can I get for you today?” “Hey, I need something special,” She replied, looking around as if this were and illegal deal. “Ahh, I think I know what you mean. Follow me, we’ll take a look at my back shelf stock,” OH FIDDLE STICKS! Man, I told my mom I would never be a part of any illicit dealings, or do drugs, or any of that stuff, and here I am about to witness an illegal deal between two magical ponies over pranking materials. I followed the two into a door behind the counter, and was even more horrified, there were things here that belonged in a slightly more adult themed shop, and things that looked like they were supposed to cause pain. There were also some fake and rubber animals, and oh my sweet Thor is that a landmine? I walked over to it and slowly lifted it up. “Careful with that!” The shopkeeper called. “It’s not primed, but those landpies can make a real mess,” I threw my head up and gave Valhalla my best ‘are you freaking serious’ face. I looked back down to the landmine and set it down gently. I gave it one last look before walking back over to Dash and the shop keep. “Now this here, is a real tarantula, stuffed, of course, but nothing is anatomically inaccurate. Took me a while to get my hand on one of these,” Dash looked at it with mild terror and a grin that would give the most manly of men have… nice dreams. She was trying to look evil but ended up just looking really cute. Her nose was all scrunched up ‘n stuff. It was adorable. “Heh heh, how much?” she asked “Twenty five bits,” “Twenty five! I’ll go no higher than twenty,” “Twenty four,” “Twenty one,” “Twenty three?” “Nuh uh, twenty two is my limit,” “Mmm… alright fine, but only because it’s you Dash,” “Thanks!” Dash pulled out some bits, tossed them to the store guy, and took the spider. Before we walked out, Dash pulled my leg. “Yeah?” I asked “I… don’t have anywhere you put this, can you hold it?” “Yeah,” I said. I took the fake spider, thanked everything that I was wearing gloves, and stuffed it in an empty pouch. It used to have a few spare filters… now that I think about it, when the hell did I loose those? Too late now, I suppose. We walked across town and got to the Carousel Boutique. It hurts my brain to think about that name. Too fancy for me. “Ok… Dash, you see that window up there?” I said, pointing to an open window on the second story. She nodded. “Ok, take the spider, and while I distract her downstairs, place the spider on her bed,” She nodded again as I handed her the spider. She flew up and took positions just beside it. I jogged up to the door and knocked. ‘Shave and a haircut, ten cents’, I recited in my head. Clichés, gotta love ‘em. I heard faint trotting, which got progressively louder, until the door opened. “Need something Etrius?” “Yeah, actually… do you think you could make my helmet a little less… drab?” I asked, taking it off and presenting it to her. It was a dull grey, since the ACU cover was now missing… how the heck am I loosing everything? Anyways, she looked it over and nodded. “Oooohhh thank you Etrius! Finally! Some male with a decent sense of fashion for once! I’ve been dying to do something to all of that dull and splotchy nonsense ever since I laid eyes on you!” “Rrrriiight. I was thinking you could tattoo a smiley face on there or something. Nothing that would put my manliness at stake,” “You walked into this store dear, I’m afraid it’s already gone,” She said with a playful tone. “And out I went… and you would forever after look at this moment as the time you COULD have done something to my helmet, but passed it up,” “Oh fine, give me a moment. A smiley face, you said?” “Yes please,” She floated my helmet over to a drawer, where she pulled out something that looked like it came out of a cereal box. It was a smiley face though. She plastered the smiley on my helmet, and cast a spell of some sort. The floated the helmet back over and dropped it on my head. I took it off and examined the smiley. It was slightly to the upper left of the front of the helmet, and had about a two inch diameter. The smiley itself was pretty basic, yellow face, two black dots for eyes, and a thin black line for a mouth. “If you ever want to take that off, go get Twilight, because I certainly won’t let you get rid of the only interesting thing of your ensemble,” “Right… oh fu-sh-Beethoventhefifth,” “What?” “I’ve no monies,” “Consider it a favor Etrius though you might want to consider getting a job. Ta ta!” Rarity called as I walked out. I waved goodbye and smiled at a snickering Dash on the porch. “It’s in place?” I asked “You bet. What’s with the smiley?” “U jelly of muh sw4g mate?” I don't know how I said it like that. “N-no. I have all the swag,” Dash said, turning around. “Really? Because I don’t see you with a helmet that has a smiley face on it,” “Okay! Fine, it looks pretty cool, tell anypony else and I swear on me mum I will mash you,” “Got it,” “Can I wear it?” She asked “I suppose so,” I took off the helmet and plopped it on Dash’s head. The helmet covered up her eyes, but she pushed it up and smiled as she walked and it jostled around on her head. I think she liked the extra looks we got today. All good things come to an end though, and eventually we had to part ways, I went back to Twilight’s, I helped Spike make dinner, and we both politely shooed Twilight away every time she tried to help. We made small talk, and headed off to bed.I don’t know why, but as soon as I entered my room, I felt really tired. I flopped down on the ground, which was comfy enough, and went to sleep immediately. WELCOME! TO! HELL! I imagine that would have been a lot more intense if it wasn’t dream text. I was dreaming, about neon letters that said welcome to hell. Wonderful. NO! Now they are rewriting themselves. GET OFF THE CONTROLS! NO! YES! NO! GIVE ME THE KEYBOARD! NO! YES! NO! GRAAAH! YES! GREETINGS ETRIUS! “A fine hello to you as well,” I’M SURE YOU ARE WONDERING WHO WE ARE!? “Not really no,” OH… WELL THEN… WELCOME TO THE DREAM STATE, WHERE YOU MAY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CREATORS! “Neat,” I said, bringing up an imaginary camera and taking a picture. YES! NEAT INDEED. ARE YOU AWARE YOU WILL BE BREATHING WITHOUT PROTECTION IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS? “I am,” DO YOU WISH TO PREVENT THIS? “Yup,” THEN YOU SHALL VENTURE TO THE CENTER OF THE EVERFREE, ALONE! AND YOU SHALL RETREIVE… A SHRUBBERY! “Alright,” TO PROVE WE ARE NOT THE HALLUCINATIONS YOU BELIEVE US TO BE, I SHALL CREAT A PICTURE OF THE TYPE OF SHRUBBERY I WANT! “Got it,” HA! GOT IT! "Now, wake Mr. Etirus… wake up and, smell the ashes,” I jerked up and looked around. Weird freaking dream man. I ran a hand down my mask, but froze halfway down. I pulled my hand from my face and looked at the picture of a raspberry bush taped to my hand. Now, where most freak out and yell, I just sighed, pulled out my pistol, chambered a round, and walked out the door with the most flat expression. My plan was to leave at midnight, which it was when I woke up, go to the Everfree, get the plant, and be back for Christmas morning. Or something along those lines. Of course though, plans were made to fail.