//------------------------------// // Bonus Chapter: Hearts and Hooves Day // Story: MIA // by Gravitys Rainboom //------------------------------// Bonus Chapter: Hearts and Hooves Day …While contemporary historians differ on the exact causes behind this shift, it is widely agreed that the Minotaurs began migrating from their nomadic lifestyles to more permanent settlements further south along the Požar River roughly twenty thousand years ago, around the same time that ponies made their own shift from the Windigo Mountains to Equestria. Some historians believe that, like modern Equines, this Great Migration could be attributed to the harsh famines caused by the Windigo’s blizzards. However, many scholars and meteorologists argue that the freezing winds and blinding snow could never have reached as far as the plains, and that the Minotaurs’ movements were credited to some other unknown cause. Whatever the case, these permanent settlements, which would be the basis to the modern city states, warred frequently with one another. The conflicts were often fought over control of the Hirashen Highways: trade routes extending from modern Zebriaca to the Badlands, which provided valuable income through high tariffs and—   “Argh,” moaned Jorge, throwing the textbook over his shoulder and rubbing his eyes tiredly. He wasn’t going to lie, he was bored. Very, very bored. As much as a part of him was loathed to admit it, yesterday’s activity with the CMC had been… dare he say… fun? So much so that he was hoping to see them again when he went to Sweet Apple Acres to continue working on the barn. But unfortunately, Applejack said they were closing down the farm for a ‘special occasion.’ ‘It is time you met our world…’ What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? Ever since the Princess had left him with those cryptic words, and not knowing what ‘meeting the world’ could entail, Jorge had spent every waking moment at his disposal studying as much about Equestria and the surrounding nations as he could before heading to the capital tomorrow. Needless to say, the results were exhausting. If I have to read one more page about Zebra economic doctrine, I’m going to blow my bra— A knock from his front door interrupted his macabre musings. With a sigh, Jorge made his way to the front entrance. “Hey, Jorge!” greeted Spike when he opened the door. “Spike,” he greeted plainly. “This is a surprise. Can I help you?” “Notice anything different?” asked Spike. Jorge stared at him in confusion he began stretching his arms and making strange poses. “Excuse me?” “I asked if you notice anything different,” he repeated, standing on his tiptoes and stretching his arms to the sky. Jorge examined him, trying to figure out what he was on about. Eventually, he noticed the strange cut sapphire hanging by a golden chain around Spike’s neck. “Uh… you’re wearing a necklace?” Spike frowned disheartenedly. “No. Well, I mean, yeah. But do you notice anything else?” Nem. “Not really,” said Jorge slowly, still trying to figure out what was going on. Spike huffed angrily as he grabbed the front door. “Ah forget it,” he grumble loudly before slamming it in Jorge’s face. Jorge stood pointing at the door and making a series of confused faces as he tried to figure out what just happened. No, wait, I’m the one who’s supposed to slam the door shut. Amúgy, mi a fene is történt most? He rubbed his temples and sighed. Csak ne gondolkozz rajta, Jorge. He was about to make his way back to his chair, which was looking more and more comfortable by the second, when he heard another knock. Jorge groaned and swung the door open. “Spike, I’m not—” “Hi there, Jorgie!” greeted Pinkie. “Oh… hello, Pinkie Pie,” said Jorge, surprised. “Sorry about that, I thought you were someone else.” “Really, who?” He waved her off. “It’s not important.” At least, it better not have been. “Can I help you?” “I just came to give you this.” Pinkie pulled out a card from that rift in space-time Jorge was convinced only she could access and handed it to him. He looked down at the red heart-shaped piece of paper in front of him. The words ‘Please be my special somepony’ were written on it in glued macaroni. He looked down at Pinkie, who smiled at him expectantly. “Uh… Pinkie Pie?” Jorge looked back at the card, then back at her; somehow her smile had grown. “Pinkie Pie, I’m… I’m quite flattered but…” She looked quizzically at Jorge. “But what, Jorgie?” Her big, innocent eyes bored into him. Jorge coughed awkwardly. He had never been given a Valentine’s card before; the whole situation felt alien to him. Hát, ez eléggé bizarr.  “Pinkie, I don’t really have any feelings for you like that… so... I apologize?” Pinkie Pie gave him a puzzled glance before bursting out in laughter. “Oh, no, silly. I didn’t mean special somepony like that. I just wanted you to be my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day!” “Hearts and Hooves Day?” “Yeah, don’t you know what Hearts and Hooves Day is?” Jorge shook his head. “Gasp! Hearts and Hooves Day is only the most super funerific day ever! Well, except for Hearth’s Warming Eve. Ooh, and the Summer Sun Celebration. And then there’s Nightmare Night. Okay, so it’s definitely in, like, the top fifty most funerific days of the year. Everything’s super happy, and marefriends and coltfriends go out and spend the day playing games and being super romantic and stuff. And even ponies who don’t have special someponies give cards to their friends and hang out and have a super funerific time!” Ha mégegyszer meghallom azt, hogy 'funerific'… “I don’t know, Pinkie…” “Pleeeeeaaaase.” Pinkie fell onto her belly and grabbed Jorge’s tree trunk of a leg. “It’ll be super-duper! There’s a fair with games and prizes, and everypony always has a great time. Well, except for last year when the Cutie Mark Crusaders hypnotized Big Mac and Cheerilee with a love potion, and there was all that property damage. But there’s only, like, a fifty-fifty chance that’ll happen again!” Jorge sighed. I don’t even want to kno—wait, Pinkie knows the concept of ‘property damage’? “I’m not sure it’d be a good idea if I’m your Valentine’s date, Pinkie.” “Valen-what?” “Valentine’s Day,” answered Jorge, gesticulating. “It’s like the human version of Hearts and Hooves Day. I think it was named after a saint who was executed with arrows for marrying Roman troops.” He snapped out of his momentary musings to see Pinkie staring up at him in horror. Oh great, thought Jorge. “He was… executed?” whispered the previously go-lucky mare. “W-why?” Now she’s on verge of tears. Think of something. Sighing once more in defeat, Jorge picked up Pinkie and set her on her hooves. “All right, Pinkie, I’ll be your… special somepony.” There should be a law somewhere saying that a Spartan’s not allowed utter those words. “Really!?” Pinkie perked up enthusiastically, completely forgetting Jorge’s morbid history lesson. “Yes,” he answered pessimistically. “Yay! Come on, Jorgie. Let’s hurry!” Jorge followed Pinkie out of his house and towards town as she bounced and rambled about all the ‘superrific’ things they would do together. When they arrived to Ponyville, he was able to get a firsthand view of just how important Hearts and Hooves Day was. Hundreds of streamers hung from building to building and displayed the typical reds, whites, and pinks of Valentine’s Day. Ponies carried balloons, flowers, chocolates, and all sorts of presents for their loved ones as they meandered through the carnival-converted streets of the village. Couples could be seen together in the park and squares, the younger lovers generally kissing each other hungrily, with the older ones content to just cuddle and enjoy each other’s company. Even the air was thick with a constant rain of confetti that fell from… somewhere. Jorge didn’t have any idea where it was all coming from. “I’ll admit, this is pretty impressive.” “Come on, Jorgie! Let’s go have some fun!” Ponies parted to make way for Jorge as Pinkie tugged him towards the fair with surprising vigor. At her insistence, the pair visited just about every stall in town. Jorge generally waited on the sidelines as Pinkie scarfed hundreds of kilos worth of heart-shaped carnival food or tried her hoof at dozens of the different games the festivities offered. Surprisingly, most of the ponies paid him no heed. He wasn’t sure whether it was because they had finally gotten used to him or because they were too distracted with their lovers to be scared, but either way, he was content to enjoy it while it lasted. “Hey, look, Jorgie!” said Pinkie through a mouthful of hay fries. “It’s Berry Punch. Wanna go see what’s she selling this year?” Jorge shrugged. “Whatever you want, Pinkie. Makes no difference to me.” The two crossed through a crowded throng of ponies before making it to the clearing where the purple wine vendor had set up shop. Jorge was surprised to see a massive line leading from the stall; half the town must have been queued up to peruse her wares. Berry Punch was haggling as fast as she could manage and, despite the absolute tidal wave of shoppers threatening to drown her, seemed to be holding her own. “Hiya there, Berry!” greeted Pinkie as she scarfed down a caramel apple she pulled out from God-knows-where. “Hi… P-Pinkie. How are… how are you… uh… doing?” wheezed Berry as she did her best to keep up with the barrage of requests shouted at her by her insatiable shoppers. “Actually just… just hold on a… a sec.” Ducking under her makeshift counter, she returned with a sign reading ‘Out to Lunch’ and hung it from the front. However, the chattering demands of hungry shoppers didn’t abate as she waited patiently. It was a short-lived patience. “Oy! Can’t you read the bucking sign!? I’m out to lunch!” The shoppers all paused in confusion. “But… you’re right there,” pointed out one foolhardy patron. Berry jumped over the counter and shoved her face into the poor stallion until he was bending backwards, holding himself an inch over the ground. “Good eye there, Daring Do,” she seethed through a smoldering glare. “What’s your point?” “W-well, I-I was just gonna—” “Just gonna what? Can’t a mare eat lunch at her own shop?” “N-n-no… I mean y-y—“ You sayin’ that a mare has to stay in the kitchen? Huh? Is that where you want me to be?” “W-w-what!? N-no I-I—“ “Then scram, you horny little parasprites!” Without further ado, the shoppers all scrambled away from the insane mare, leaving her to chuckle to herself. “You’ve gotta to be tough on these shoppers. ‘Specially on a day like this. Let me tell you, Hearts and Hooves Day ain’t for the faint of heart,” she explained to a befuddled Jorge and Pinkie. “What can I do you for, guys?” “We just wanted to see what you were selling this year, Berry,” explained Pinkie. “Wait, I thought you were a wine vendor?” asked Jorge, eyeing the assortment of vials on Berry’s stand. “Come on, big guy,” laughed Berry. “I always sell my whole stock weeks before Hearts and Hooves Day. This is, like, the biggest shopping day of the year for most vendors here. So, a while ago, I started selling different knick knacks and junk at the fair and made a killing! I usually switch it up every year just to keep things interesting.” “Smart,” said Jorge. “What’s it this year?” “Aphrodisiacs and pheromones!” announced Berry proudly. “Got ‘em from a potion brewer over in Creekland. Want one?” She pulled out a bottle of green liquid and waved it tantalizingly for Pinkie and Jorge. “I’ll give you my finest brew. One drink of this, and you’ll be horny enough tah hump Discord. Or maybe a pheromone’s more your deal? I’ve got a few that’ll make mares come at you like they’re in heat.” No way. These ponies actually go through estrus? “No thanks, we’re good, Berry.” “Fair enough. What’re you doing together anyways? “Jorge is my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves!” proclaimed Pinkie ecstatically before Jorge could stop her. Berry Punch’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Really now? Wow, big guy, first Applejack, now Pinkie? You Casanova, you—at this rate, you’ll have gone through every mare in the village. And stallion, if you’re into that sort of thing. I don’t judge.” “Ha ha, real funny. Don’t you have some snake-oil to sell or something?” “I’m actually a little hurt here, big guy,” continued Berry, ignoring the human’s jab. “I’ve been wiggling my rump for you since you got here. Ain’t I enough mare for you?” “Not even if you were swimming in this pheromone stuff you’re trying to peddle.” “Ouch. Well, I forgive you. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? And what a partner you picked, Pinkie. I mean, Jorge here looks like he’s perfectly… sized to take care of your needs.” She gave the confused mare a lecherous wink. “I feel like I’ve had this conversation with you before,” deadpanned Jorge. Berry shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” She dropped her playful tone and gave Pinkie and Jorge a warm look. “Seriously, you guys, I’m happy for you two. Just ignore any hard-ass who gives you trouble; there isn’t anything wrong interspecies relationships. Jorge could feel his heart sink a bit. Wait, she doesn’t seriously think that we’re…? “I think there’s been a bit of misunderstanding, me and Pinkie are—” “Aaaaaaaaaagh!” Pinkie, Berry, and Jorge turned around to see a trio of mares gawking at Jorge in fear. Before any of them could say anything, one of the mares, a beige earth pony with a red mane, swooned before collapsing onto the ground, unconscious. “Quite the fainter, that one,” mused Jorge, recognizing the trio as the group of ponies who had been hanging around Berry Punch the day he went to the market. “Yeah, don’t worry about Roseluck; she’s a bit of a drama queen,” whispered Berry before turning back to her friends. “Hey, guys! How are you? Rose manage to finish her Hearts and Hooves Day rush?” “Berry, w-what are y-you doing!?” stuttered the blue unicorn. “Get away from that thing before he hurts you!” Jorge could feel anger bubbling in his chest as he clenched his fist. “I think we should get going. Right, Pinkie?” “No, no, don’t go! Colgate didn’t mean it,” assured Berry. “C’mon, guys, hang out a little longer.” “Berry Punch, have you gone insane!?” screeched the orange mare. “Why would you want to be anywhere near it? “Goodbye, Berry,” growled Jorge, turning back towards to fair with Pinkie. “Have a nice day.” He ignored Berry Punch’s calls and everything around him as he marched away from the stand. “Jorgie?” asked Pinkie tentatively. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine, Pinkie,” he growled. “You don’t look fine,” said Pinkie with a frown, before smiling widely. “I know! I’ll cheer you up.” Jorge sighed. “I think I should just go home, Pinkie.” “Pleeeeaaaase? I know just the thing to make you feel better.” Jorge groaned in exasperation “What?” “I’ll take you to go win me a prize!” Jorge looked at the beaming pony in confusion. “How is getting you a present supposed to make me feel better?” Pinkie giggled. “Because, silly, getting things for your friends makes them happy. And making your friend happy makes you happy.” Jorge scoffed, but couldn’t help but smile at the pony’s twisted logic. “Or is it just that you really want a prize?” “They have a giant teddy bear, Jorgie!” exclaimed Pinkie pleadingly. She stared at him with big puppy-dog eyes and threw in a couple whimpers for good measure. “All right then,” said Jorge. “Let’s go.” The two made their way to one of the many heart-shaped tents. Stuffed animals hung from the walls, tentatively waiting for one of the many stallions trying to impress their marefriends by winning them to try their hand. As Jorge went to ask what the game entailed, he found a familiar face behind the counter. “Ditzy?” “Howdy there, Jorge!” greeted the grey pegasus, her eyes briefly focusing on him before wandering in different directions. “What are you doing here? I thought you were a mailmare?” “Yeah, I’m just running this as a favor for a friend. So you wanna play?” “Sure, how does this work?” Ditzy gestured to eight stacks of milk bottles at the far end of the tent. “You get eight balls per bit to knock down eight stacks. The more you hit, the better the prize.” “Easy enough,” said Jorge with a shrug as he gave Ditzy one of the many bits Luna had provided him. Ditzy handed him a rubber ball, and he took aim… …Something that would have been a little easier without Pinkie jumping onto his back and chatting incessantly into his ear. “Oooh, a little more to the right! No, no! Breathe in more. A little higher, Jorgie. A little higher! No, not like that! You have to—” “Pinkie, could you just be quiet and let me throw the bloody ball?” “Okie dokie.” “…” “Pinkie?” “Yes, Jorgie?” “Get off.” “Whoops,” she laughed sheepishly before climbing off his back. With the pink menace off of him, Jorge returned to the matter at hand. Bending his arm and body back, he took careful aim at the milk bottles. Gripping the ball firmly, he carefully began to— “LOOK OUT!” An orange and white blur shot past Jorge’s head. He snapped back in alarm, the projectile bouncing in the tent. Milk bottles were knocked around haphazardly as the blur shot around the game stand at near-supersonic speeds. Ditzy and Pinkie hit the dirt as it ricocheted like a stray bullet. The mysterious object shot out of the back of the tent, leaving a human and some very confused ponies to stare at the mayhem. Each of the piles of milk bottles had been knocked down, save for one lone survivor, which spun and tilted precariously. “Huh,” noted Ditzy. “That sure was weir—“ BOOM Ditzy’s and Pinkie’s bones rattled as an explosion rocked the fair. Jorge’s hand shot to his empty holster as he crouched and scanned the grounds for cover. What the hell is going on!? he screamed in his head, trying to pinpoint the source of the blast. Once it was clear that no one was in any danger, everyone calmed down to find that shockwave of the blast was enough to knock down the last bottle; every single pile had been taken out. “Well… this’s never happened before,” said Ditzy, rubbing the back of her head in confusion. “Welp, I guess you… win? Uh, here you go, I guess.” Fluttering up to the top of the prize shelf, she pulled out a white teddy bear that was easily twice her size and handed it to Jorge. “Are you sure, Ditzy?” asked Jorge, taking the plush toy. “Sure, all the bottles were knocked down.” She leaned into Jorge conspiratorially. “And I’m not above exploiting a loophole for a friend,” she whispered with a wink. Jorge smiled and handed the teddy bear to Pinkie Pie. “Thanks, Jorgie!” she squealed happily. Both she and Jorge gave Ditzy their goodbyes and continued through the carnival. They spent the rest of the day wandering through town, talking. Well, in any case, Pinkie did enough talking for the two of them. Eventually, as the sun began to set, the fair began packing up, and couples headed home to celebrate more privately. Jorge found himself atop a hill outside of town, sitting next to Pinkie. “So, Pinkie, you have fun today?” Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. “Yuppers! Thanks for taking me. Oh, and for the bear!” She gave the massive stuffed toy next to her a tight squeeze. “Today really was funerific, even if there wasn’t any cotton candy.” How does a cotton candy machine blow up like that anyways? “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” The two sat quietly for a little while, just letting the warm breeze roll over them. “Hey, Jorge?” said Pinkie. “I’m sorry for what Carrot Top and Colgate said to you today.” Jorge gave her a curious look. “Who?” “Those mares with Berry Punch,” she clarified. “Oh,” he muttered, scowling. “Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.” “Yes it does!” declared Pinkie, no small amount of resolve in her voice. “You’re my friend, Jorge, and I don’t like it when ponies talk to my friends like that.” Pinkie’s eyes softened and she looked at him dispiritedly. “You don’t deserve that.” Jorge smiled. “Köszönöm, Pinkie.” “Huh?” “I said, ‘thank you.’” “Oh. No problem!” Jorge snorted. “As annoying as those two were, it wasn’t even close to as bad as when Berry Punch thought we were actually together,” he said mirthfully. “Right! Could you imagine what everypony would say if they thought you were my special somepony—” Pinkie stopped herself as a wicked grin spread across her like a vice. She looked at the human deviously. “Tell me, Jorge, have you ever… pranked someone?” Jorge thought about it for a moment. “I can’t say I have.” “Well, I have a proposition for you.” Ignoring the mysterious twirly moustache that Pinkie had suddenly donned, Jorge leaned in to hear her plan. When she was done whispering, he leaned back, impressed. “Pinkie…” He grinned. “…you’re on.” “One at a time! One at a time!” This is the last time I decide to sell aphrodisiacs without guards on Hearts and freaking Hooves Day!  No sooner had Berry Punch set up shop and announced her wares that dozens of couples swarmed her. Now she found herself trying to fend off wave after wave of rabid shoppers. Sure, she was making a small fortune, but it was rapidly becoming at the expense of her sanity. Dammit, if I had known that there were so many couples with virility problems, I would have just helped Roseluck sell her roses or something! “I said one at a… one at a time, you bucking animals!” she wheezed. “You! You gonna buy that or just stare at it?” The black pegasus Berry yelled at jumped back in surprise. “I dunno, are you sure this’ll work?” he asked, holding up a vial filled with blue liquid. “Of course it will!” she snapped. “That’s my finest brew. One drink of that, and you’ll be horny enough to hump a rabid manticore.” The patron hummed pensively before shaking his head. “Nah, I’m good.” “Then get out!” As Berry Punch felt like she was approaching her wits’ end, she spotted a familiar figure poking out of the crowd and heading straight for her. Well, well, if it isn’t tall, dark, and broody. “Hiya there, Berry!” “Hi… P-Pinkie. How are… how are you… uh… doing?” huffed Berry, handing a bottle to a customer. Celestia, I sound like I’m doing the running of the leaves again. This is ridiculous, there’s got to be a way to get rid of all these… wait, I got it!  “Actually just… just hold on a… a sec.” Berry ducked under her counter and began rifling through her junk. Come on, where are you son of a—aha! Finding here prize, Berry pulled out a sign that read ‘Out to Lunch’ and hung it from the front. This’ll clear them out. Much to her dismay, the hyperactive customers paid no heed, finally exhausting her patience. “Oy! Can’t you read the bucking sign!? I’m out to lunch!” “But… you’re right there,” said a blue stallion from the crowd. Berry Punch paused as she grinned internally. Looks like we got a cheeky one. She hopped over the counter and gave the poor stallion a glare powerful enough to crumble mountains and make Discord shiver. Hah, soon as they see you jump over the counter, their spines turn to jelly. “Good eye there, Daring Do,” she fumed theatrically. “What’s your point?” “W-well, I-I was just gonna—” “Just gonna what? Can’t a mare eat lunch at her own shop?” Oh boy, this is too easy. Maybe I should throw some sexism in there. That always makes stallions wet themselves. “N-n-no… I mean y-y—“ “You sayin’ that a mare has to stay in the kitchen? Huh? Is that where you want me to be?” “W-w-what!? N-no I-I—” “Then scram, you sniveling little parasprites!” There’s a certain kind of satisfaction a shop owner feels when watching their customers run away from them in terror. To most merchants, this is called ‘insanity,’ or to put it more diplomatically, ‘bad business strategy.’ To Berry Punch, though, it was one of the best feelings in the world. With a smile, she turned her attention back to Pinkie and Jorge. “You’ve gotta to be tough on these shoppers. ‘Specially on a day like this. Let me tell you, Hearts and Hooves Day ain’t for the faint of heart. What can I do you for, guys?” “We just wanted to see what you were selling this year, Berry,” explained Pinkie. “Wait, I thought you were a wine vendor?” Well, it’s better than thinking I’m the town drunk like most ponies. “Come on, big guy. I always sell my whole stock weeks before Hearts and Hooves Day. This is the biggest shopping day of the year for most vendors here. So, a while ago, I got a pretty clever idea. I started selling different things at the Hearts and Hooves fair and made cartloads of bits! I usually switch it up every year just to keep things interesting.” “Smart,” said Jorge. “What’s it this year?” “Aphrodisiacs and pheromones!” Never again. “Got ‘em from a potion brewer over in Stillcreek. Want one?” Berry pulled out a bottle of green liquid and waved it tantalizingly for Pinkie and Jorge. “I’ll give you my finest brew. One drink of this, and you’ll be horny enough tah hump Discord.” Besides, I like you, so I won’t try to rip you off with my other ‘finest brews,’ she thought to herself. “Or maybe a pheromone’s more your deal? I’ve got a few that’ll make mares come at you like they’re in heat.” “No thanks, we’re good, Berry.” Your loss, big guy. Not even gonna try to offer you my growth potions. You look like the last person who might need it. “Fair enough. What’re you doing together anyways? “Jorge is my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves!” announced Pinkie. Berry Punch had to keep her jaw from hitting the floor. No way! Seriously? “Really now?” she asked playfully. “Wow, big guy, first Applejack, now Pinkie? You Casanova, you—at this rate, you’ll have gone through every mare in the village. And stallion, if you’re into that sort of thing, I don’t judge.” “Ha ha, real funny. Don’t you have some snake-oil to sell or something?” “I’m actually a little hurt here, big guy,” continued Berry, ignoring the human’s jab. “I’ve been wiggling my rump for you since you got here. Ain’t I enough mare for you?” Seriously, why not me? “Not even if you were swimming in this pheromone stuff you’re trying to peddle.” Ouch. “Ouch. Well I forgive you. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? And what a partner you picked, Pinkie. I mean, Jorge here looks like he’s perfectly… sized to take care of your needs.” “I feel like I’ve had this conversation with you before.” Meh, probably. “Yeah, I get that a lot. Seriously, you guys, I’m happy for you two. Just ignore any hard-ass who gives you trouble; there isn’t anything wrong about interspecies relationships.” They’ll be really… random together, I guess. Berry noticed Jorge’s face drop when she said that. “I think there’s been a bit of misunderstanding,” he began. “Pinkie and I are—” “Aaaaaaaaaagh!” Pinkie, Berry, and Jorge turned around to see Carrot Top, Colgate, and Roseluck gawking in fear. Before Berry could say anything, Rose collapsed onto the ground, unconscious. “Quite the fainter, that one.”  Ugh, again? “Yeah, don’t worry about Roseluck; she’s a bit of a drama queen,” she whispered before turning back to her friends. “Hey, guys! How are you? Rose manage to finish her Hearts and Hooves Day rush?” “Berry, w-what are y-you doing!?” stuttered Colgate. “Get away from that thing before he hurts you!” No, please, not this again. After her meet up with Jorge in the market, Berry was lectured by Colgate and Carrot Top for almost a full hour on how dangerous he was and how irresponsible she was being. She had just ignored them, hoping that they would get over it, but it was obvious this was not the case. Berry could see Jorge tensing out of the corner of her eye. “I think we should get going, right Pinkie?” he said through gritted teeth. No! “No, no, don’t go! Colgate didn’t mean it,” assured Berry. C’mon, Gates, you didn’t mean it, right? Colgate however, appeared resolute. “C’mon, guys, hang out a little longer.” Please stay. “Berry Punch, have you gone insane!?” screeched Carrot Top. “Why would you want to be anywhere near it? “Goodbye, Berry. Have a nice day.” “No wait! Jorge, Pinkie, don’t—!” But it was too late; they had been lost in the crowd and couldn’t hear her. As Berry kept staring off, trying to find them, Carrot Top came up and scowled behind her. “Berry Punch, I can’t believe you! How you could do something so irresponsible is beyond me,” she ranted. “We told you not to go near that thing. Do you want it to hurt you?” “Did you see what it did to poor Roseluck?” asked Colgate. “We were lucky to stay in one piece.” Berry didn’t register what her friends were saying. Somewhere deep in her head, she could hear something snap. “Well, it’s no problem. We forgive you,” said Carrot. “Now that we got that out of the way, Berry, did you hear that Colgate asked that cute stallion who—” “What the buck is wrong with you!?!” screeched Berry Carrot and Colgate cowered away as she marched up to them. “W-wha—?” “Shut up, Colgate!” snapped Berry. She turned her attention back to Carrot. “You forgive me? You just drove off one of my friends and called him a monster, and you forgive me? I ask again, what the buck is wrong with you!?” Carrot Top looked horribly confused. “B-b-but it—” “He what? We were just talking. Celestia, it was actually the nicest part of my day, and then you show up treating him like he’s going to rip my head off or something!” Carrot Top’s face became a little green at Berry’s image. “B-b-but it’s… he… I… look at it!” “Look at what?” seethed Berry. “H-he’s a h-human?” muttered the yellow mare weakly, not sure if she was asking a question. “So what!?” “I t-thought he—” “You thought he what!?” Carrot didn’t answer. She cowered away from her furious friend and looked at the ground. “B-but he’s dangerous.” “He—ARRRRGHH!” Berry Punch closed her eyes and took a deep breath to compose herself. “You know what I think?” she asked, her voice dripping with venom. “I think you guys, and the rest of this town, really need to pull out whatever crawled up your collective asses.” With that, Berry ignored her friends’ calls and into the crowd. After a few minutes of blindly marching through the fairgrounds, she found herself in the park, surrounded by happy couples. With an angry huff, she plopped her plot onto a bench, and sulked to herself. Worst. Hearts and Hooves Day. Ever. Yes, even worse than last year when Applejack’s hot brother busted your house. She looked at all the couples cuddling and scoffed. “Couldn’t even get a stupid date. Even the seven foot tall alien got a date.” Berry sighed. “Ah well. It’s not like chocolate covered stallions just fall from the sky.” BOOM Berry covered her ears and tried to lock her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering. “What the buck was tha—!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Berry dove off the bench just as a pink-green blur crashed through the branches of the tree above her and fell right where she had just been sitting. Once the commotion was over, Berry uncovered her eyes and took a cautious look, only to see Lyra, dizzily splayed on the bench and covered in cotton candy. Berry Punch gawked at the unicorn before looking up to the clouds. “Not exactly what I asked for, but close enough.” “Oh, Lyra, this is so romantic.” “Mmhmm.” “Just you and me on Hearts and Hooves Day. Oh, and I managed to get reservations at The Blue Rose for tonight. Can you believe it?” “That’s nice, sweetie.” “This is going to be great! We can go to the park and cuddle, and then go play some games at the fair…” “Mmhmm.” “Oooh, and I can’t wait to try some of the cotton candy! And with all the money we made selling my bon-bons, we can even... Lyra, are you even listening to me?” “Of course it doesn’t make you look fat, Bons.” “Lyra!” “Hwha?” Lyra blinked as she snapped at out of her daze, only to find herself staring at a pair of angry teal eyes in the middle of Ponyville Plaza. “Uh… yes, sweetie?” Bon-Bon scowled. “Lyra, can’t you at least try to listen to me when I’m talking to you?” “Sorry, Bons, you’re right. What do you want to do?” Bon-Bon softened her glare. “Want to go to the park?” “Uh… yeah… sure… whatever.” Bon-Bon smiled and the two quickly made their way there. She felt great. Hearts on Hooves Day was her favorite day of the year, and to her, the grass looked a little greener, the sun felt a little warmer, and the sky was a little bluer than on most days. She took a deep breath of the sweet air and shuddered happily. “Isn’t this nice, honey?” “Yeah, hun. Sure.” Bon-Bon cuddled against her inattentive marefriend and groaned. “Hmm, you know, I don’t think anypony’s in this part of the park. What say you and me have some fun?” Wiggling her eyebrows, Bon-Bon leaned down and nipped Lyra’s nape. Rather than hearing a high-pitched squeal, all she got for her efforts was an uncomfortable grunt. “Lyra, what’s wrong? Lyra? Lyra!” “Huh, what!” said Lyra, snapping out of another daze. “Lyra, what is with you?” huffed Bon-Bon. “Why are you so distracted today?” “Oh, sorry, Bons. I’m just looking for Jorge. I have to ask him something. I have a new theory about human gills that he might not have considered. I know! Maybe you could help me look for him. He’s got to be around here somewhere.” Bon-Bon gawked at her marefriend for the longest time before she stood up brusquely, knocking Lyra over easily, and marched away. “Pfft, Bon-Bon?” Lyra called out, spitting out a clump of dirt.  “Bon-Bon, where are you going? Bon-Bon!” She chased after her incensed marefriend. “Bon-Bon, wait up! What’s wrong?” Bon-Bon spun around like a whip, knocking Lyra on her haunches. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong!?” Bon-Bon wiped her eyes. “‘What’s wrong’ is that ever since Jorge showed up, that’s all you’ve been able to talk about! Humans this, and humans that! You’re even going to leave me to go to Canterlot with him! You couldn’t even lay off on the human crap for one day—our special day!” “…Our anniversary?” Bon-Bon spluttered. “I… you… no, not our anniversary! Hearts and Hooves Day!” She took a deep breath and turned her back to Lyra. “I’m going home, Lyra.” The words carried a finality to them that hit Lyra in the chest like a charging manticore. “No wait, don’t go! I’m sorry, Bon-Bon, you’re right. I’ve been acting like a total mule. C’mon, let’s go to the fair, and I’ll make it up to you.” “Lyra, I don’t think—” “Pleeeeaaase,” begged Lyra. “You said something about cotton candy earlier, right? Let’s go back to the fair and get some, and I promise not to mention Jorge or humans for the rest of the day.” Bon-Bon looked unsure. “Fine,” she conceded reluctantly. Lyra beamed. “C’mon, let’s go!” While Lyra ran towards the fair like she was wired on a sugar rush after eating a tub of caramel, Bon-Bon followed sluggishly, as if she was wading through said tub, her legs half-heartedly making any efforts whatsoever. Before long, they found themselves standing in front of the cotton candy stand, Lyra ringing a little bell on the counter frantically. “Hellooooo, anypony here?” “I don’t think you’ll get much of a reply,” deadpanned her marefriend, pointing to a sign reading ‘On Break.’ “What? Who goes out to lunch this early?” “Lyra, I just want to go home.” Lyra’s shoulders sagged. “Yeah… sure…” Sorry, Bon-Bon. But just as they were about to leave, Lyra’s attention was snatched by something out of the corner of her eye. “Ooooh,” she cooed, walking up to the cotton candy machine. “Lyra… what are you doing?” “I’ve always wanted to try this.” Fiddling with the buttons on the control panels, Lyra grinned when the machine clicked and buzzed to a start. She dunked her head into the machine. “Lyra!” Much to Bon-Bon’s relief, her marefriend popped back out unscathed, albeit covered in cotton candy. “Bon-Bon, you gotta try this!” insisted Lyra as she licked the pink fuzz from her face. “It’s awesome!” “Lyra get down from there this instant!” ordered Bon-Bon. “What if somepony catches you?” “Come on, Bons, nopony’s here. Besides—” Lyra dunked her head back into the machine and popped back up, sporting a pink beard “—you were the one who wanted cotton candy.” As much as she hated it, Bon-Bon couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of her marefriend. “What?” “You look like Pinkie Pie would if she had a beard,” she said through stifled laughs. Lyra looked down at her chin before licking up all the candy in a way that would make the aforementioned party pony proud. “But seriously, Lyra, you should get off that thing. We don’t know what could happen.” “Don’t be so nervous, Bons.” Lyra stuck her head back in and swallowed another mouthful of candy. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?” As if on cue, a shrill screech erupted from behind. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” An orange and white blur shot out of nowhere and smacked into Lyra’s backside before speeding away. With a loud “Oof,” she fell into the spinner, but not before her knee hit the machine’s control panel. “Uh… Lyra?” Bon-Bon backed away from the machine, which started humming and shaking violently. “Bon—?” That was all Lyra was able to say before becoming nothing more than a green splotch in a sea of pink. The machine spun round and round, twisting her at breakneck speeds. “Bon-Bon, help me!” she yelled distortedly over the machine’s humming. The spinner began rumbling, shaking, and hopping all over the place as bolts and screws flew from it. Blue sparks shot out of the control panel as the machine picked up speed, spinning the pony faster and faster. “Lyra!” Like a gallant knight rushing to save her beloved princess, Bon-Bon charged towards the infernal machine to save her lover trapped within its clutches. So close. Just need to turn this stupid thing o— BOOM Bon-Bon was thrown back against a tree as the cotton candy machine exploded right in front of her. With a groan, she rubbed her head, trying to straighten her vision and regain her hearing.   The spinner was practically sagging; the steal was wrinkled, pieces of scrap littered the grass around it, and steam rose from the tired machine. All around, tents had been blown back by the shockwave of the blast and dazed ponies were arriving to see what had happened. “L-Lyra?” mumbled Bon-Bon hazily. Adrenaline shot through her like a bolt of lightning, and she rushed towards the damaged pile of metal. “Lyra!?” Looking frantically, she found neither hide nor hair of her marefriend. She gazed up to see a long trail of pink racing across the sky… …with a green dot at its head. Lyra, meanwhile, was being treated to a sight few unicorns had ever been treated to: a beautiful, panoramic view of Equestria, with dozens of little villages dotting the countryside like tiny ants. She could even see the ivory silhouette of Canterlot in the distance. Sadly, Lyra couldn’t truly appreciate the breathtaking and humbling view, for she was preoccupied with something at the moment. That something being that she was a couple thousand feet above the ground. The cotton candy-covered unicorn’s screams became nothing more than panicked gurgles as they were lost in the gale. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her lips flapped back as the powerful winds assaulted her. Gradually, she slowed down until she was suspended in the air, neither falling nor rising. Lyra felt total calm wash over her as she stayed floating in the blue abyss, her heart slowing to a near stop, her breathing still; she knew true peace. Sadly, this sensation lasted for a whopping five milliseconds before gravity pulled the metaphorical carpet from under Lyra and sent her plummeting, like the jerk that it was. “AAAAAAAAAAAAARRHHGG!” Oh, Celestia. OH CELESTIA! I’m gonna die! Okay calm down, stop freaking out. I SAID STOP FREAKING OUT! Lyra desperately tried to come up something to avoid her impending doom but couldn’t think of anything, even if her life depended on it… which it kind of did. Falling at hundreds of feet towards the ground will do that to somepony. Just as a Lyra was about to lose hope, an idea rammed itself into her head with the subtly of an exploding cotton candy machine. Hope this works! Lyra’s horn crackled with energy as a light erupted from its tip, engulfing her in a basic levitation spell. Her fur tingled as she slowed down until she descended as lightly as a feather. “Hah!” she huffed, beads of sweat running down her pink face as she tried to maintain the difficult spell. “Lyra, one… gravity, zero…” Sadly for her, Lyra’s horn quickly reached its limit. With a loud pop, the spell faded, and she found herself falling again. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Crashing through the top of a tree, Lyra’s vision became a flurry of leaves and bark. She grunted and groaned in pain as she managed to hit every branch on the way down. Her descent ended with a final thud, leaving her a confused heap of leaves and cotton candy. “Lyra!” Out of nowhere, Lyra found herself in her marefriend’s iron grip. “Thank Celestia you’re okay,” said Bon-Bon, crushing her disoriented lover in her forelegs. “You sure know how to make an entrance, Heartstrings,” laughed Berry Punch. “Berry? What are you doing here?” asked Lyra still dazed from her crash. “Oh, you know. Strolling around, smelling some flowers, trying to avoid getting crushed by ponies falling from the sky, that sort of thing. I think the real question here is why are you covered in cotton candy?” “Long story,” mumbled Lyra, blushing. “I was so worried,” said Bon-Bon, muffled by Lyra’s coat. “Don’t ever do something stupid like that again.” “So… I see you guys have been having a pretty interesting Hearts and Hooves Day.” “You could say that,” answered Bon-Bon. “How about you, Berry?” Berry sighed. “Pretty crummy, actually. Although, I did get to talk to Jorge for a little bit; you know, the human?” At the word ‘Jorge,’ Lyra visibly perked up. “Did you say Jorge?” “Yeah. He went that way a little while ago,” said Berry, pointing off towards the fair. “Are you looking for him? You could catch him if you hurry.” A massive grin spread across Lyra’s face, but it immediately withered when she noticed her Bon-Bon’s disheartened expression. “Uh… nah,” she said with a wave of her hoof. “It’s Hearts and Hooves Day, and there’s a special pony I need to spend some time with.” She hugged a stunned Bon-Bon, who smiled and blinked away grateful tears. “So, any ideas what you want to do, candy ass?” Bon-Bon hummed. “Well, it’d be a shame to let all this cotton candy go to waste,” she whispered sultrily. “What say we go home and… get you cleaned up?” Bon-Bon gave Lyra’s cheek a long, wet seductive lick, causing the unicorn to blush furiously. Both mares cuddled and giggled furiously, ignoring Berry Punch’s eye roll. “Heh heh, looking good, Spikey-boy. Looking good.” Wobbling precariously on a stool, Spike flexed his arms as he admired himself in the mirror. “Spiiiiiiiiiiike!!!” With a startled jump, Spike lost his footing and, taking the shower curtains with him, tumbled onto the bathroom floor with a painful thump. “Spike are you okay?” asked Twilight, opening the door and stepping in. “I heard you talking, and I...” She trailed off when she saw the wiggling pile of shower curtain. “Uh… Spike?” Spike popped out from under the tangled mess with a groan. “Oh, there you are. Well, now that I have you, would you mind helping me with something downstairs?” Spike rubbed his bruised head. “Aww, c’mon, Twi. It’s Hearts and Hooves Day. Can’t it wait ‘till tomorrow?” Twilight’s horn lit up, and Spike stumbled as the curtain slipped from under him and levitated back into place while covered in a purple glow. “You still have chores to do, mister. You’ll be free to go as soon as they're done.” Spike felt his heart sink. “Twi, you don’t understand. I need to go, pronto!” “What, do you have a date or something?” teased Twilight. Spike scuffed the floor. “I might if all goes well,” he muttered to himself, not noticing Twilight blink in surprise.  It soon dawned on her what he was talking about, and she smiled softly. “Tell you what, you help me with just one thing, and you’re off the hook for the rest of the day.” “Really?” “Really.” Spike beamed. “Thanks, Twilight! Just give me a sec, and I’ll be right down.” “All right, just don’t too long.”” she chuckled as she headed back downstairs. Once he was sure she was gone, Spike waddled into the bedroom he shared with Twilight. Double checking to ensure he was alone, he lifted a loose floorboard next to his bed and pulled out a wrinkled black and white picture. The picture featured him along with Twilight and all their friends. His eyes lingered on Rarity for a second, and he smiled. He looked out the window and took a deep breath. Today’s the day. Stuffing the photo back in its hiding spot, he rushed down the stairs into the foyer. “So whatta you need, Twi?” he asked, eagerly rubbing his claws together. Sooner I finish here, the sooner I can go talk to Rarity. “Hm?” Twilight looked up from the papers on her desk. “Oh, I just need you to dictate some things for me from Madame Mystic’s ‘Magical Metamorphosis for Mares,’ first edition.” “Great, I’ll get it for you in a jiffy.” Spike scanned through the innumerable books that lined the walls until he spotted Magical Metamorphosis jutting precariously from the very top of the shelves. “Uh… Twi, where’s the ladder?” “It should be around here somewhere.” Spike shrugged, gesturing to the ladderless room. Twilight scoffed and charged her horn. “That silly thing is always disappearing. Don’t worry, Spike. I’ll just grab it.” Spike waved Twilight off. “No prob, Twi. I’ll take care of it.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” Twilight rubbed her neck awkwardly.  “Well, it’s pretty high up there, and you’re a little… uh… short.” “Short? C’mon. It’s right here,” he grunted as he climbed up the shelf. “Just a couple more steps and I’ll practically be next to it.” Twilight didn’t look convinced as Spike, using the shelves as a ladder, pulled himself up until he managed to grab a hold of the book. “Ha, I got it!” No sooner did he say those words that his foot slipped from under him. Spike, followed by a cascade of books, tumbled back with a yelp. Twilight winced as brick after page filled brick fell onto the bruised dragon until he was buried under a pile of first edition encyclopedias and magical guides, the heaviest of all kinds of guides. “Spike, are you okay!?” A single triumphant arm burst from the jungle of pages, clutching the blue covers of ‘Magical Metamorphosis.’ “Here ya go, Twilight,” slurred Spike. “Spike, that was reckless of you,” tisked Twilight, dusting him off with magic. “You should've just let me grab it.” “I’m not helpless, Twilight. I can do things on my own.” “It’s not about being helpless, Spike. It’s about knowing one’s limitations.” “I wouldn’t have any limitations if I weren’t so little,” he grumbled to himself. Stupid stubby legs. Twilight prepared a quill and piece of parchment. “Now then, just dictate the first few paragraphs of the eighth chapter, and I’ll set you free.” Spike sighed and leafed through the massive text’s pages before clearing his throat: “As briefly mentioned in the previous chapters, certain objects can be infused with pools of magic and weaved in such a way as to continuously dispel an enchantments effects. These objects, known as talismans, are usually gems due to their natural propensity to absorb ambient magic, but are not necessarily limited to such. Such properties may theoretically be applied to metamorphic magic, with talismans able to change a subject’s physical properties, making a wearer taller or larger in muscle mass.” “All right, Spike,” said Twilight, double-checking the scribbled parchment with satisfaction. “That’s all I need. Have fun at the fair, okay?” But Spike wasn’t listening. He had become totally engrossed with the book, letting his wide eyes burn through the words. “Twilight,” he said, without looking up from the pages. “Is all of this true?” Twilight hummed thoughtfully. “Yup, it sure is. It is fairly advanced magic, but a skilled caster could pull it off.” “So, basically if I were to, I don’t know, hypothetically ask you to make me one these talisman thingies to make me taller, you could?” Twilight looked at Spike suspiciously. “Yes,” she began slowly. “I suppose I could. But you wouldn’t ask me something like that… right?” “Pleeeeaaaase, Twilight!” pleaded Spike, throwing himself at Twilight’s hooves. “Please please please make me one of these talismans. I’ll do anything!” “Spike don’t be ridiculous,” she said, trying to pull the clingy dragon off her. “I have more important things to do. Besides, you’re fine the way you are. In fact, you might be a little taller than other dragons your age.” “Yeah, for dragons my age. But I’m a shrimp compared to some ponies who are younger than me!” “You’re being silly.” “You said I should learn my limitations,” said Spike, throwing Twilight an accusatory finger. “Well here’s me knowing my limitations and trying to fix them.” Twilight rubbed her eyes. “That’s not what I meant.” She kneeled down and wrapped a comforting leg around him. “Spike, I know it’s frustrating, but you have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. It’s not easy for anypony, but believe me, once you do, you’ll be happier for it. Besides, one day you’ll become one of the largest known creatures in the world.” She turned her attention back to her work. “You’ll just have to wait a little.” Spike sighed. Yeah right… a little. He was about to drag himself out of the library, when an idea popped into his head. “Well, geez, Twilight,” he said, rolling his eyes theatrically. “If you don’t know how to do it, you just had to say it.” Twilight chuckled mirthlessly. “Uh… I know how to do it.” “Yeah, sure, if you say so. Look, Twi, we’ve been together for years. You don’t have to be so insecure about it to me. If you don’t know, that’s fine. You can’t know everything.” Twilight glared at the smug lizard. “I’ll have you know, I figured out how to infuse talismans when I was a filly!” she declared furiously. “Oh yeah?” asked Spike with a grin. “Prove it.” Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but stopped herself. “Spike, I know what you’re trying to do,” she deadpanned. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You know what? Fine. I’ll make you the stupid talisman.” Maybe this’ll backfire on you, and you’ll learn a lesson. She rummaged through her desk drawer and pulled out a dusty old necklace with a sapphire pendent as Spike fist pumped behind her. “I was going to save this for an experiment. But I guess if being taller is so important for yo—” “Yes it is,” said Spike quickly. “Now magic it up.” Twilight scowled and charged her horn. A bright bolt of magic shot into the gem. Spike watched wide-eyed as the lightning flowed from her horn, eventually petering out into a few final sparks. The sapphire briefly glowed purple before turning blue again. “There,” huffed Twilight. “Woo, that was harder than I thought.” “Did it work?” “One way to find out.” Spike slipped the necklace on, and immediately cringed as he was wrapped in a purple glow. The glow subsided, and he reluctantly opened his eyes. “Did it work?” he asked, only to find himself staring at Twilight’s horn. “Whoa!” Spike glanced down to find his stubby legs replaced by a new pair of gangly limbs. He stretched his new arms in wonder and experimentally bent his legs. He looked down at Twilight wearing a dumb grin. “This is awesome! I’m enormous.” “Yeah,” said Twilight, returning to her desk. “You’re practically as tall as Jorge.” “You think so?” “Of course,” she continued, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “You should go visit him and see for yourself.” “Great idea, Twilight!” Twilight shook her head as the door slammed behind her. Oh, this’ll end well. Spike spent the whole way to Jorge’s cottage marvelling at his new body. Rarity’s gonna love this! he thought, breaking into a sprint. He skided to a halt, narrowly avoiding greeting the front door with his face, and laughed. I got here so fast! His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden feeling of nausea. “Woah,” he muttered, clutching his woozy head. “Looks like being a giant is gonna take some getting used to.” Spike shook his dizziness away and confidently knocked on the front door. “Hey, Jorge!” he greeted as Jorge opened the door. “Spike,” replied Jorge with a nod. “This is a surprise. Can I help you?” “Notice anything different,” asked Spike smugly, stretching his legs none too subtly. “Excuse me?” “I asked if you notice anything different.” “Uh… you’re wearing a necklace?” Spike frowned. “No. Well, I mean, yeah. But do you notice anything else?” “Not really.” “Ah forget it,” huffed Spike angrily. He grabbed the door and slammed it in Jorge’s face. “Maybe someone else will appreciate how huge I’ve gotten,” he said loudly, as if Jorge was still behind him.   The festival was in full swing by the time he got back to town, and he was pleased to see that ponies were performing double takes whenever they spotted him. Now this is more likely, he thought strutting confidently into the market and up to a familiar face. “Hey, Applejack!” “Oh, hey there Spike—whoa!” Applejack jumped back in surprise. “Well ah’ll be. When’d you get so tall?” “Oh, this?” asked Spike flippantly. He leaned casually on Applejack’s stall and looked at his claws. “This is just a little spell Twilight cooked up. You like it?” “Is it permanent?” “Nah, it just affects me as long as I wear this.” He pointed as the gem hanging around his neck. “So, what’re you up to? Got a Hearts and Hooves Day date?” “Nope, not this year,” laughed Applejack. “This year it’s my turn to run the stand.” “Oh, cool. Listen, do you know where Rarity is?” Applejack frowned. “Yeah, she’s over by Cinnamon Swirl’s stand. But maybe you sho—” “All right, thanks, Applejack!” shouted Spike, running off into the direction Applejack was pointing. “Wait, Spike, that ain’t a good idea!” But Spike wasn’t listening; he already weaving between startled ponies as he desperately searched for the love of his life. Now, let’s see: Cinnamon Swirl, Cinnamon Swirl. Ugh, where is that… aha! He spotted the stand and was about to head over and attempt to penetrate the mass of ponies surrounding it when his heart stopped and his mouth became suddenly dry. Rarity was leaning on the counter and talking with the mare behind the cashier. She was practically glowing behind her makeup and jewelry; she tossed her hair back to laugh and Spike could feel his legs shake under him. Spike gulped nervously. He took a couple of deep breaths to strengthen his resolve before marching through the crowd. “H-hi—” squeaked Spike. “Ahem. Uh, hello there, Rarity.” “My word!” gasped Rarity when she noticed Spike. “Spike, what happened to you?” Spike had to keep himself from grinning. “Oh, you know. Growth spurts and stuff.” “I would say so, look how tall you’ve gotten,” she marvelled. “Why, it looks like you're not my little Spikey-Wikey anymore.” This time Spike did grin as he puffed his chest out proudly. “Such a dashing young dragon,” continued Rarity. “Isn’t he dashing, Cinnamon?” “Oh yeah, what a hunk.” “So handsome. In fact, I… I…” Rarity blushed and bit her lip nervously, making Spike anxious. “What is it, Rarity?” he asked. “I can’t hold it in any longer. Spike… I always thought of you as the little brother I’ve never had… but now. Now that you’re so tall, I can’t help but feel… something more.” “Rarity, I—” Rarity shushed him and gently placed a hoof on his lips. “Don’t say another word, Spike. There isn’t anything left to say.” She closed her eyes, puckered her lips, and slowly leaned in to him. At which point, Spike blinked to find a small crowd of ponies gawking at him as he snogged the empty air in front of him. The ice cream stand was still surrounded by shoppers, and he hadn’t moved at all. He blinked in confusion and grinned sheepishly at the snickering onlookers. Okay, yeah, like that. But for real this time, he thought, bravely approaching the love of his love. Except this time his legs didn’t stop quivering, his chest didn’t puff proudly, and he wasn’t brimming with confidence like his day-dreaming self. With every step he took to the oblivious alabaster unicorn. Spike could feel the butterflies in his stomach growing more and more restless… and they were shivving him. “H-h-hello… uh… R-Rari...Rari…” Rarity turned around and immediately shrieked, causing Spike to stumble back in shock. “S-Spike? Is that you?” “Uh…” “Oh my, I do apologize there, darling. I… I hardly recognized you. What happened.” “Twilight zapped this here neckalas thinga-majig and now I’m big and we can go on a date together and hug and stuff.” ...is what Spike wanted to say. Sadly, the great goddess of love, in her unfathomable wisdom, did to Spike what she does to all young boys when speaking to a girl of their fancy. I.e. she turned his brain to mush and made him babble like an idiot. “Twilight… necklace… zap… vroom… big,” he babbled (quite idiotically). Rarity giggled. “My word, Spike, what’s gotten you so flustered all of a sudden?” Spike shook his head clear. “No, wait. Listen Rarity, there’s something important I need to ask you.” “What is it?” she asked looking slightly worried. Spike took a deep breath. This is it. “Rarity, I was wondering. Would you do me the honor of being my spe—” “Hey, babe, I’m back.” A blue stallion came out of nowhere and wrapped a leg around Rarity. “Did you get the ice cream yet?” asked the muscular pegasus. “Oh, I’m sorry,” said Rarity. “I was distracted by a friend. Spike, this is Cirrus, my date for Hearts and Hooves Day.” Spike, sadly, wasn’t listening. He was too busy ignoring his jaw, which had dropped down to the ground, burrowed into the soil, and continued to drop deeper and deeper into the dark bowels of disbelief. “Hey there, little bud,” greeted Cirrus with nod, rubbing Rarity’s shoulders. “Listen, Rarity, I’m gonna get an ice cream, you want anything?” “No thank you.” “‘Kay. See you in a bit. Nice to meet you, Spine.” “It’s Spike,” he mumbled as Cirrus ran off. “So, what was it you wanted to say?” “Uh… oh… nothing,” he sighed dejectedly. “So… you and Cirrus, huh?” Something in his chest hurt when he said those words. “Yes, we met about a week ago—two days before Jorge arrived, in fact. He seemed nice, so I asked if he… Spike, are you all right?” No. “Sure,” he said, struggling to strain a smile. “Just a bit of a stomach ache or whatever.” Spike spun around and started heading back to the library for some much needed sulking. “I’m just gonna head ba—” BOOM What the buck was tha—!  “Aaaaaaaaaagh!” Spike gasped, “Look out, Rarity!” He dive tackled her just as an orange blur shot over them and into the ice cream stand. Ponies were yelling and running around frantically as creamy sugar exploded all over them. “Spike, what’s gotten into you!” she asked, pushing him off and picking herself up. “Why in the world would you…” She trailed off when she noticed the now-cracked gem around his neck glowing erratically. “Uh… Spike?” Spike glanced down at his neck. Uh oh. The glow encased his body, and he felt himself being pulled in every direction at once. Ponies stopped to stare in horror as Spike’s body grew and stretched. “Rarity, are you okay!?” screamed Cirrus as he rushed back to see what all the commotion was about. He instantly froze. Staring back at him was a massive purple lizard twice his size. The two stared frozen at one another until Spike grinned sheepishly, revealing the sharp fangs he was now sporting. “Hi,” he greeted with an awkward wave. At which point, Cirrus let out the loudest, painfullest, girliest shriek the town had ever heard before fleeing. This caused the rest of the ponies to go into a frenzy as they screamed and tried to flee the monstrous beast. Taken aback, Spike stumbled on his own elongated tail. “Woah woah!” Trying to keep his balance, he grabbed onto the first thing he saw. Unfortunately, this turned out to be the pony right next to him. Spike and Rarity both yelped as they crashed through the ice cream stand, knocking over tubs of ice cream and sending shards of wood every which way. “Spike, what is going on!?” she yelled, covered in strawberry ice cream and unwittingly living out Pinkie Pie’s childhood dream. “Rarity, don’t panic! It’s me, Spike.” Rarity was about to scream something else, when she stopped herself and looked at Spike in confusion. “Yes,” she began slowly. “I can see that. Now would you mind telling me why are you so big and why I’m covered in ice cream?” “Wait, aren’t you freaked out by me being so huge?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, yes, obviously a little bit. But this isn’t exactly the first time you’ve been transformed into a giant monster and taken me hostage, either.” “Uh… good point.” “Now please, enlighten me: why are you big this time?” Spike glanced at his feet in embarrassment and sighed. “I was sick of being so little all the time, so I asked Twilight to make me this talisman thingie to make me big.” “Yes, and look how that worked out. My coat is ruined, and you’ve scared off a genuinely nice colt from me.” Spike winced. “Sorry, Rarity. I just wanted you to like me.” Rarity sighed and placed a hoof of his shoulder. “Spike, that’s ridiculous. Of course I like you. You don’t have to be tall for that. You’re perfect the way you are.” “Really?” Rarity smiled. “Of course. You’re my little Spikey-Wikey” “Thanks, Rarity. Sorry about your date.” “It’s fine,” groaned Rarity, remembering Cirrus. “I don’t really think he was my type anyways.” The two sat and watched the chaos unfold around them. “You have to admit though,” chuckled Spike. “His scream was kinda funny.” “Spike, that’s so mean!” gasped Rarity; however, she couldn’t help but titter.  “It’s true, though! He sounded like a filly.” “Stop it you,” laughed Rarity, floating up a glob of ice cream and hurling it at him. “Hey!” Spike picked up a clawful of ice cream and waved it menacingly. “Don’t you da—” Rarity gasped indignantly as a glob of mint smacked her square in the face. There was a brief silence as the two glanced at one another before a flurry of ice cream and laughter overtook them. Best Hearts and Hooves Day ever. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. To most, the door in front of Featherweight would be nothing more than a slab of polished wood, carefully crafted and slightly more decorative than your average slab of polished wood. To Featherweight, it may as well of been the door to Tartarus itself. Deep. Breaths. Deep. Breaths. With shaky legs and ragged breaths, he took a step towards the hellish door… Deepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreathsdeepbreaths! …and knocked. He cringed at the thunderous noise that echoed through the halls on the other side. DEERBREATHSDEEPBREATHSDEEP—I CAN’T DO THIS! With whip-like speed, the pegasus spun around and prepared to gallop back to the— “Featherweight?” —the front door, which he was not about to flee from in abject terror while shrieking like a little filly. Featherweight’s pupils shrunk until they were lost, and his heart, which had previously been about to burn out, gave no evidence of its existence. Mechanically, he turned around. “Oh, hey there… uh… Scootaloo,” he squeaked in thinly veiled discomfort. “Can I help you?” Featherweight didn’t say anything. He gawked at the girl, trying to reboot his conscience. Say something you moron. Move your lips so noise comes out! “Er… uh… n-nice weather we’re having?” What!? Scootaloo blinked. “What?” “The w-weather… it’s nice.” Okay, new plan: stop being an idiot. “…Featherweight, what are you talki—?” “Willyoubemyspecialsomponyforheartsandhoovesday!?” Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “W-what?” That’s not how you say ‘yes,’ thought Featherweight frantically. “W-will you b-b-be my s-special s-somepony?” He shakily handed his prospective love a scarlet rose he had picked that morning, which she absentmindedly took as a her cheeks warmed. “Y-you want me to be your special somepony?” Featherweight nodded weakly. Scootaloo bashfully averted her eyes and rubbed her leg awkwardly. The gesture was enough pierce Featherweight’s heart. His whole body withered along with his spirit as Scootaloo fidgeted uncomfortably. “Y-yes.” Featherweight’s ears perked up. “W-wha—?” “I-I’ll be you’re special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day,” she reiterated. And then Featherweight’s body shut down. “Uh… Featherweight?” Scootaloo waved her hoof in front of Featherweight’s empty stare. A grin washed across his face as his eyes lit up with joy. “WOO HOO!” he whooped without warning. Scootaloo couldn’t help but giggle at his gusto. “So, where are you taking me, squirt?” And just like that, his gusto shriveled. “Take… you?” “Well duh! If you wanna be my special somepony, you got to pull out all the stops.” “Oh… uh… wanna go to the fair?” Scootaloo blew a raspberry. “Come on, that’s boooorrrriiing. Let’s do something fun!” Featherweight wracked his brain trying to come up with something his new special somepony would enjoy. He eventually came up with an idea so stupidly brilliantly in its simplicity, that it could cause every male from Trottingham to Canterlot to facehoof at their own collective idiocy. “I dunno, what do you want to do, Scootaloo?” is an example of a sentence Featherweight would come to regret if he uttered it. It was also, coincidentally, the first thing he said. Scootaloo rubbed her chin ponderously and hummed.  She quickly perked up and buzzed her wings in excitement. “I got it!” Featherweight smiled. I am the luckiest colt in the world! This is going to the best day ever. Featherweight wasn’t sure what happened. One minute, he was in front of Scootaloo’s house, elated at having organized a date with the filly of his dreams. The next thing he knew, he was sitting behind said filly in a flimsy red wagon, precariously balancing over the edge of Ponyville’s largest hill, cheerfully christened ‘Dead Griffon’s Drop.’ Featherweight shivered as a sharp gust of wind blew against him. He looked over Scootaloo’s shoulders to get a view of the trail and felt sick to his stomach. His vision blurred as panic gripped him, and he was quickly forced to look away from the nearly ninety degree drop. “Uh… a-are sure t-thi—?” Featherweight grumbled as his helmet fell over his eyes, and he hastily pushed it back up. “Are y-you s-sure this is a g-g-g-good idea?” “Sure,” said Scootaloo. “C’mon, who do you think you’re talking to? I do this all the time, no sweat…” Whoo, that’s a relief. “…Of course, I never got to try this on a hill as high as this. This is going to be AWESOME!” Not surprisingly, Featherweight suddenly felt less reassured. “You ready, squirt?” asked Scootaloo with a slightly deranged look in her eye. “On three. One…” “Uh… Scootaloo.” “…Two...” “I don’t think this is a good ide—” “THREE!” Scootaloo rocked forward; the wagon lurched over the edge, and like Featherweight’s hopes of living, plummeted. Having lost his senses, Featherweight did the only thing he could think of. He hugged Scootaloo with all his might and held his breath The torrent of wind was deafening, creating a vortex that felt like it was sucking Featherweight into an abyss. He felt like he was riding a jackhammer, as every single pebble or grain of sand sent the wagon shaking furiously, clattering his teeth and sending his neck into a wobbling mess. It was like he was floating through a water painting; through his tears, the streets and buildings looked like a swimming messes of colors and swirls cobbled together by a haphazard artist with a peculiar fondness for yellow. But despite the pain in his rump, despite his bones crumbling into dust, and despite being lost in a madness of speed and vertigo, when Featherweight saw Scootaloo, her face glowing with pure joy and excitement, he smiled. “WOO HOO!” cheered Scootaloo. Featherweight couldn’t help but get swept up in her excitement “YEAH!” The agonizing rocking lessened into light bumps; the blurred tapestry melted away to reveal a village speeding by them; and the bile rising in his throat was replaced by a wave of adrenaline that shot through his veins like a bolt of lightening. “Woo, this is awesome!” “Right!?” The wagon shot past the bottom of the hill and into the town square. Featherweight saw the tents of the Hearts and Hooves Day Fair growing larger and larger in front of them. “Hey, Scootaloo!?” “Yeah!?” “How do we, you know, stop!?!” “…” “...” “Stop?” Uh oh. Featherweight snapped his eyes forward just in time to see ponies dive out of the way of their wagon. Scootaloo and Featherweight’s screams of excitement turned into ones of terror as they burst through one of the fair’s tents and flew through the carnival, destroying everything in their path. “Hold on, Featherweight!” Featherweight didn’t need to be told twice, and he gripped Scootaloo’s head like his life depended on it. “Featherwight, you’re covering my eyes! Let go!” “NO!” screeched Featherweight as they burst through a flower stand, sending roses flying in every direction. “Then move your legs so I can see!” “You’re face is, like, eighty percent eyes! LOOK OUT!” The wagon tore through a purple tent. Everything was a blur as their metal death-trap bounced back and forth before ripping its way out. Featherweight wasn’t sure what happened, but he suddenly found himself with three large milk bottles stuffed in his mouth. Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick. To and fro, the world was a swirl of chaos as the wagon bounced from tent to another, sending ponies scrambling away. At one point, Featherweight could have sworn that Scootaloo’s mane was covered in cotton candy. BOOM Featherweight’s bones shook at the sound of the massive explosion, but before he had the chance to register what was going on, one of the wagon’s wheels popped off. Scootaloo and Featherweight were flung forward and sent soaring into the air when the wagon flipped. Gravity, feeling especially mean that day and not above harming children, sent the two plummeted towards the unforgiving ground below, shrieking as they went. Well, this is it, thought Featherweight morosely. Wait, I’m a pegasus! I’ll just flap my wings and—“OOF!” Before he could finish his thought, the would-be flyer got a mouth-full of dirt. “OOF!” he repeated articulately when a big orange lump landed on his back. “Urrgghh…” groaned the big orange lying on him. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something about this big orange lump made it feel different from all the other big orange lumps he had previously seen or had on top of him in his extensive life. Something set it apart. Maybe it was the purple hair. Or the way it smelled so pretty. Or how warm it felt. But whatever the case, Featherweight felt blissful while having the big orange lump on top of him. More so when the big orange lump opened its eyes to reveal two wide white and purple ovals right in front of his face. Featherweight smiled as he felt the big orange lump’s breath tickling his snout. The big orange blob then turned into a big blushing lump, but Featherweight didn’t care. Everything was just super-duper-uper dandy to Featherweight. “Featherweight!” cried the big orange lump. Featherweight giggled. Big red/orange lumps weren’t supposed to talk. “Featherweight, say something!” Featherweight giggled again and tried to hug the big orange lump, but missed and rubbed his hoof all over its purple mane instead. Featherweight was ecstatic to see a big blue lump appear out of the corner of his eye. He smiled even wider. As far as he was concerned, the more lumps, the merrier. “Rainbow Dash, thank goodness!” said the big orange lump. “I broke Featherweight.” “Yeah, I saw that fall you guys took,” said the big blue lump. “He looks like he hit his head pretty good there. Don’t worry, squirt. I’ve taken enough smacks to the ole noggin to know he’ll snap out of it. Just give it a second. “Pretty big blue lump,” slurred Feathwerwight. “Why… why you do this?” Then he giggled and rubbed the orange lump some more. “…Okay, looks like he might have gotten hit harder than I thought. Don’t worry, kid, I’ll handle it.” Featherweight felt himself being lifted up as the big blue lump filled his vision. But before he had a chance to hug the big blue lump as thanks for being so big and blue, he felt something smack him upside the head. “Ouch!” he cried. He opened his eyes to see that the big blue lump slowly focused into Rainbow Dash, who was holding him in her forelegs. “What was that for?” Dash unceremoniously dropped Featherweight back on the ground. Before he could say anything, he felt something fuzzy wrap around him. “Oh thank goodness!” came Scootaloo’s muffled voice from behind. “Yup, works every time,” laughed Dash, wiping her hooves. “All righty then, you two lovebirds try not to get hurt.” Rainbow sped off, leaving the blushing colt and filly to awkwardly avoid eye contact. “So… that was… fun?” said Featherweight lamely. LOVEBIRDS!? “Uh… yeah…” replied Scootaloo, who probably was thinking the same thing. Featherweight rubbed his nape as the two of them stared at the ground, the sky, the tents around them, and just about anywhere else but each other.   “Erm… listen Scootaloo, I—” Scootaloo cut the suddenly awestruck colt off by quickly leaning forward and tenderly pecking him on the cheek. Featherweight gaped at Scootaloo, who was grinning bashfully and blushing furiously. “Huh wha I har gerah?” slurred Featherweight. “I-I… I-I-I k-kinda… like you,” mumbled Scootaloo, answering Featherweight’s question. “Guh?” asked Featherweight, who was still working on that whole ‘regaining brain function’ thing. Scootaloo took a shaky breath. “I said, I kinda… like you..” “Huzzwha?” “I said I like you!” Scootaloo shoved her hooves in her mouth and darted her eyes frantically. Featherweight smiled a smile that stretched so far it looked like it hurt. She likes me! Scootaloo socked him in the shoulder, hard. “Stop grinning like that!” she giggled ambivalently through a blush that was permanently etched on her cheeks.  Featherweight did no such thing, and Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “You’re such a goofball. Now come on.” This is amazing! thought Featherweight as he got up. His cheeks were starting to hurt, but he couldn’t care less. She likes me. She likes me! Nothing could ruin this da— Scootaloo cut off his train of thought by shoving her flushed face up to his. “Oh, and if you ever tell anypony I said that I liked you, I’ll tie you to my wagon and push you down Dead Griffon’s Drop again. Got it?” Featherweight nodded fearfully, and Scootaloo continued on her way. Once he was sure she wasn’t going to beat him back to death, Featherweight’s smile returned back in full force. She said she likes me again! Lyra was getting her cotton candy all over Bon-Bon while the two made out with a kind of ferocity generally reserved for wild predators, while Berry Punch sat next to them on a broken bench looking bored. Off in the town, which it was worth noting was in total shambles, ponies ran around in a panic at the havoc wrought by Scootaloo and Featherweight. Speaking of which, they were,  despite their near death experience, once again tempting fate by sitting before the precipice a second time, giggling and blushing at one another. Pinkie Pie carried a teddy bear twice her size as she and and Jorge wandered out of town, talking amicably and ignoring the carnage around them. And finally, Roseluck and Carrot Top lay in the middle of the fairgrounds passed out. It was difficult to discern why they were passed out, but presumably it had something to do with the giant purple lizard with green spikes and Rarity throwing ice cream at one another a few feet away. Dash hovered over the town taking all of this in, doing little more than blinking in confusion as her brain tried to process what lay before it, eventually coming to a final, absolute truth. Hearts and Hooves Day is bucking weird.