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// Guest Chapter: Fully Functional... (Tatsurou) 
// Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website 
// by RainbowBob 
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        Celestia stared across the table at her date, idly twisting the wine glass she had brought with her in her magical grip.  She had also brought the wine bottle with her, as the establishment her date had selected didn’t serve alcohol.  Given her track record, she thought it prudent to have some available, just in case.

        Her date was very different from any of the other immortals she had met.  For one thing, he had no aura of power as the others had, be they supernatural being or god.  In point of fact, she couldn’t sense any form of energy from him at all, although his eyes did show a spark of life... of sorts.  The most unusual—and somewhat unnerving—thing about him was that everything about his coloration seemed somewhat... artificial.  He was humanoid, like most of the immortals she had met, although he didn’t seem quite human.

        She finally decided to break the ice.  “So, Mr... Data, if I may be so bold to ask, why did you choose Sugarcube Corner for our date?  It hardly seems the most... intimate or romantic setting.”

        Data nodded.  “True.  But that is exactly why I chose it.”

        Celestia’s eyes widened in response.  “Do you mean to tell me you have no interest in romance or the more... intimate pursuits?”

        “Not at all,” Data countered.  “However, my own experience has shown me that any relationship of that sort that does not begin with friendship and mutual understanding is doomed to fall apart over time.  So I thought it best to begin in a less formal, more casual setting, so we could get to know each other and possibly be friends.”

        Celestia couldn’t help but smile.  “That sounds like a wonderful sentiment and reasoning,” she said warmly.

        “Indeed, Princess—”

        “Celestia,” she interrupted.  “If we are to be friends, we shouldn’t be so formal, should we?”

        Data smiled.  “You are correct.  In that case, just call me Data.”

        The solar alicorn tilted her head thoughtfully.  “Is that your first name or your last name?”

        Data frowned.  “It is my only name.  Although…”  He thought for a time.  “I suppose it would be appropriate to go by Data Soong.”

        Celestia pondered why he would put it that way, but chose not to inquire at this point.  “So tell me, Data, how did you come to use this dating site?  And how is it you come to Equestria?  You seem to lack the usual abilities most immortals possess for such journeys.”

        Data sighed.  “Well, I suppose it begins with when I died.”

        Celestia nearly dropped her wine glass.  “I beg your pardon?”

        “It was a long time ago, I believe several centuries, I am unable to determine exactly.  I was a member of a starship crew, and we encountered a... situation.  The warship Scimitar was powered by theralon radiation, which could be used to wipe out all life on an entire planet.  I managed to save my captain and best friend, and set off the self destruct to destroy the ship, saving all that the Scimitar’s captain sought to destroy.  However, my body was torn apart as well.”

        Celestia nodded, respecting the noble sacrifice.  “But... how did you survive?”

        Data smiled.  “Some time prior, I had managed to befriend a higher-dimensional being of immense power.  Seeing what I had done, he felt that reality was poorer without me, so he used his abilities to reconstruct me.  However, Q has always had a mischievous streak to him, so he—”

        “Did you say Q?” Celestia asked sharply.  “Somewhat taller than you, wears a similar uniform but in red, makes things happen by snapping his fingers.”  Her horn glowed as she focused her magic.  “Sounds like this?” she finished in a perfect imitation of Q’s voice.

        “Indeed,” Data replied.  “Do you know him?”

        “I met him through the site as well,” she grumbled, popping the cork from the wine bottle and pouring herself a glass.  “I was right that I would need this,” she said, downing the glass in one gulp before pouring herself another.

        “Have I said something to upset you?” Data asked in concern.

        Celestia sighed.  “No offense to you, Data, but I’ve learned that any friend of Q’s—or Discord, or anyone else from that bloody fraternity—is a chaotic nightmare, and the dates always end horribly.”  She started to lift her glass.

Data placed a finger on the rim of the glass, stopping its movement.  “I well understand your concern,” Data offered comfortingly.  “While I consider Q a friend, I well understand how... difficult he can be.  In point of fact, I befriended him because those of his kind felt he had gone too far in his behavior.”

        Celestia raised an eyebrow.  “His kind?”

        Data nodded.  “Q is a member of a group of higher-dimensional being who call themselves The Continuum.  Q’s unruly, chaotic, and mischievously cruel behavior had displeased the Continuum, and as punishment they rendered him mortal.  I was the one who tended to him while he adjusted, taught him how to handle the human experience, and helped him through the more harrowing aspects, such as eating and the end results thereof.”

        Celestia snorted.  “You potty trained him?”

        “In essence,” Data confirmed.  “Later, he was going to sacrifice himself for the good of the ship and crew, and that got him reinstated in the Continuum.  He chose to remember me as a friend.  At the time, he gave me a gift of great value, one I would not understand for some time.”

        “Really?  What did he give you, if I may ask?”

        “A laugh.”

        Celestia sat in silence as Pinkie Pie swooped in with two super-duper-extra-chocoholic-sundaes, giggling quietly as she glanced between them before zipping away.  Finally, Celestia found her voice.  “I’m not sure I understand.”

        “At the time, I lacked my emotion chip—”

        “Your what?”

        Data sighed.  “I see.  It appears I am closer to my lifelong goal than I had thought.”  He took a bite of his ice cream.  “Celestia, I am an android, an artificial life form created to mimic humans.  My positronic brain is fully capable of creating my own thoughts, feelings—now that I have my emotion chip that enables that functionality—and desires.  In essence, I am an artificial man.”

        Celestia blinked.  Now she understood why she had sensed...nothing from him earlier.  She sighed.  “You mentioned your lifelong goal?”

        “To be human.”

        Celestia chuckled.  “Ponycchio, much?”

        Data smiled.  “In human fables, the character was called Pinocchio.  I imagine the story is likely much the same.”

        “Probably,” Celestia admitted.  She began to eat her ice cream.  “So you were built to... imitate life?” she asked.

        Data shrugged.  “My father, Dr. Soong, told me he built me because he could, because it was part of who he was to do so.  My design allowed for me to grow and evolve, and I have sought to be as human as I can be.  However, there has been one concern I have in my quest, after all these centuries…”

        The android fell silent for a time.  Celestia spoke up.  “Yes?”

        “I have long pondered that if I, as an artificial life form... have a soul.”

        Celestia felt her heart flutter at the sincere admission, the dilemma that had haunted the being before her for so long.  She felt moved to speak.  “Data, I cannot pretend to know the answer to that question, only my own beliefs.  But…”  She extended a hoof, resting it on his hand, feeling the pulse of electrical current through his servos, a much quieter flow of energy that was so similar to the feeling of life.  “Data, I have listened to you talk, observed you, and read your profile, and everything I’ve seen tells me you are a kind, gentle, considerate, and caring individual, with a great deal of amassed experience and wisdom.  I know not what others might think, but in my opinion, if you do not have a soul, then no one does.”

        Data was silent and still for a time.  Then his hand turned over, so he held her hoof in his palm.  He looked up at her with a somewhat teary eyed smile.  “Thank you, Celestia.”

        Celestia smiled in return, and they both turned back to their ice cream.  After a time, though Celestia sighed.  “I imagine we can be quite good friends,” she said, her voice tinged with disappointment.

        Data raised an eyebrow.  “You seem distressed.  May I ask why?”

        Celestia sighed once more.  “Well, you are a great guy, the sort I would happily pursue a fuller relationship with.  You might not have a beard, but—”

        “I could grow one, if you wish,” he suggested.  “I did once, when one of my comrades mentioned women liked a man with a beard, back when I was first learning about social interactions.”

        The Princess of the Sun couldn’t help but chuckle as she found herself comparing what he just said to her own former student’s early studies, and the mental image of asking Twilight to cast a beard spell on her date.  “Yes, well, as much as I am sure I would enjoy pursuing such a relationship, there is a certain form of companionship I would yearn for that... I’m unsure you are capable of providing.”  She levitated the last bite of her ice cream into her mouth, holding the spoon suspended over the bowl as she savored it.

        “If you are referring to sexual activities,” Data intuited, “then I am fully functional, and versed in multiple techniques.”

        The spoon dropped from Celestia’s grip with a clatter.  “...Really?” she asked archly.  “And I presume these techniques are adapted for humanoid partners?”

        “They are.”

        She tilted her head in thought.  “And... how many of those techniques could be adapted to my equine physiology?”

        Data pondered this for a time.  “I am unsure.”  He tilted his head at her, then smiled rakishly.  “However, if you are open to experimentation, I would be pleased to find out.”

        Celestia found herself blushing brightly.  “Check please!” she called to Pinkie Pie.





        Celestia finally managed to drag herself away from the bed through sheer force of will.  Turning back to her companion, she forced herself to do one of the most difficult thing she had ever done in her life.  “I’m sorry, Data, but I don’t think it can work out between us.”

        Data watched her carefully in concern.  “Why?  Have I upset you?  Injured you?”

        She quickly waved a hoof.  “No Data, nothing like that.  You’ve been just perfect.  And that’s the problem.”  She sighed.  “I’ve loved the time we’ve spent together, and it has been just wonderful, but I can’t resist you, Data.  You are insatiable... but I have a country to run!  If we did take this to a more permanent level, I’d likely never leave the bedroom!”  She sighed sadly.  “I’m really sorry to have to say this, but it’s not you, it’s me.  I’m too weak of will to be with you.”  She lowered her head, blushing.  “It’s taking all I have to say this and not jump back into bed with you, although the near absolute exhaustion helps there.”

        Data smiled somewhat sadly.  “I understand, Celestia.  You have a stern duty you must see to, and that duty comes first.  I understand duty quite well; when I was in Star Fleet, it was the focus of much of my existence.  However, I hope we can remain friends.”

        Celestia smiled.  “Always, Data.”

        Returning the smile with more warmth, Data embraced Celestia one last time.  He then got to his feet and reached for his clothes.  As he picked them up, he spoke up.  “I actually had another blind date from the site here in Equestria, which I believe I am quite late for.  If it isn’t inappropriate to ask, perhaps you might aid me in locating my new date, and in explaining my tardiness?”

        Celestia chuckled.  “Of course, Data.  I’d be happy to help my friend.”  She shakily got to her hooves.  “What’s her name?”

        “Luna.”  Data glanced over, seeing Celestia’s frozen expression.  “Is she an acquaintance of yours?  I understand that might be awkward.”

        As Celestia stared at him in shock, her bedroom door suddenly burst open.

        “There you are, sister!” Luna proclaimed.  “I’ve been worried sick about you!  Your last date was three weeks ago—”

        That long? Celestia thought in astonishment.  Well, damn.  I’ve got more stamina than I thought.

        “—and I haven’t heard from you since!”  Luna sniffed the air, and her nose wrinkled.  “Have you been in here all this time?” she asked in shock.  Then her eyes landed on Data’s still nude form.  “Though I can see why,” she breathed.

        Celestia’s temperament soured.  “Luna, my date who didn’t quite work out, Commander Data.  Data, this is Princess Luna... my little sister.”

        Data blinked.  “I see.”  He awkwardly cleared his throat, despite the absence of a blockage.  “My apologies for my lateness, Princess—”

        “Get yourself to my bedroom, then,” Luna interrupted, “and you’ll soon be calling me something very different.”

        “Luna!” Celestia gasped in shock.

        “What?  You aren’t the only one who’s been without for a long time.”  Luna turned back to Data.  “And just look at him!”  She licked her lips in anticipation.

        Celestia groaned, burying her face in her pillow.  “Why me?” she muttered under her breath.