//------------------------------// // What's A Nawuto? // Story: Legendary Legends of the Legendary Pony Summoner // by Pen Mightier //------------------------------// Uzumaki Naruto had not had a very good day. His alarm clock had decided to run on alien-mean-time, his cup noodles ran out at a critical moment in his life, his toilet paper ran out at an even more critical-er moment, his mentor Kakashi had chosen to personally train his hated rival-for-life Sissy-ke instead of him for the upcoming ninja exams, he got conned into training under a ninja peeping tom (worst kind of tom), and to top it all off he was spending the rest of his life falling into a spiky pit of spiky doom. It was definitely a low point, and it was only going to get lower. Like, 6-feet-under lower. Just where had it all gone wrong? Oh, right, the tissue paper, definitely the tissue paper. Cause this had bad doo-doo written all over it. Now just as he was about to dig his own grave with his face, he finds himself somewhere else entirely. And it wasn't his tomb, though it looked like a close candidate. Then a thought occured to him. What if he had fallen through his grave and straight into hell? "Hell..." He decided, "...is leaking." He slowly picked himself up from the ankle-deep freezing cold water and peered into the gloaming darkness around him. Wherever this was, it had dank grimy walls just about visible in the distance. It smelled musty and dank like the inside of the old man Hokage's vintage porn cupboard. But the main feature was most definitely the dark iron bars before him, towering high before disappearing into the darkness above, arrayed like jail bars in the world's most paranoid prison. A single piece of paper was stuck onto the bars like an afterthought. 'Lock' it said, like the world's flimsiest excuse for a padlock. Naruto, being who he is, allowed himself to imagine what would happen if he ripped it off. "Somebody'd end up yelling at me again, probably." He mused out loud to himself. It was bound to happen, before or after the fireworks. He heard a noise, but it wasn't yelling. In fact, it was a soft sniffling, interspersed with quiet hiccups. Now the self-proclaimed future ninja lord wouldn't be who he was if he ignored someone crying, even if the crying was coming from within a creepy dark prison cell that was probably built to house monstrous dark gods or Sasuke's bloated ego. He found a small figure curled up in the freezing water, trembling and shivering in the dark, just a ways beyond his reach. The gentle sobs and soft hiccups were more audible now. Yes, it was definitely the sound of misery, a sound he knew well. He peered up at the bars. "Huh, to heck with that noise." He muttered, slipping sideways through the wide gaps in the bars. He had never paid much caution to danger when he was alive, especially not when there was someone in need. Why start now in death? What's the worst that could happen? Little did he know that he was about to spend the rest of his life finding out. "Uh, you there." He called out as he approached the trembling little figure. The little shadow seemed to tense up at his voice. "What's eatin' you?" The little figure gasped in absolute fright before scrabbling away deeper into the darkness. "P-p-pwease!" The voice, already as squeaky as a wet party ballooon, managed to tremble like one too. "D-don't e-eat me! W-woona w-will be good! Pwomise!" It was a creature, a small one, and now that it had curled up into a tight, trembling little ball, its shape had become more difficult to discern. "Uh, I'm more into eating ramen than...little....blue balls...things like you." Naruto said, straining his eyes to make out the little creature's shape. So far he had made out that it was a dark, midnight blue with what looked like hair a lighter blue, possibly a tail of the same hue too. "W-Wamen?" The creature sniffled, ears perking up at the unfamiliar word. "W-what have t-the poor wamen e-ever done to thee?!" The creature demanded. "Be delicious, I guess?" Naruto said, thoughtfully. He had never thought about ramen that way before. This was deep. "I suppose it has burned my tongue and emptied my bank on more than one occasion." "T-the p-poor wamen things!" The creature cried, suddenly standing up on, Naruto noted, four stubby little legs. If a dark party balloon decided to grow a pair of legs, this creature would be it. A pair of teeny trembling wings flaired up on either side of the little creature as it aimed its deep watery sapphire eyes up at him in teary defiance. "W-Woona has pwomised to protect all things! F-fine! E-eat Woona then! B-but spare the poor wamen things!" "But....I don't think I'd like to eat anything that talks." Naruto said, scratching his head awkwardly. The little creature pursed her lips tight, her watery eyes trembling. Naruto could only watch as her cheeks slowly but surely inflated until they were pouty little balloons in their own right. Looks like not talking was an epic struggle in of itself for the little creature. Naruto decided to be merciful. "Hey, I'm not eating you. Or anything at the moment." He clarified, lowering himself to the creature's height as he tried to look as harmless as possible. He sat back and crossed his legs in the mucky cold water as he relaxed his posture as much as possible. "And I'm not going to harm you, promise. So stop crying, 'kay? I think you've flooded the place enough as it is." He pointed out. The creature blew out her puffed up cheeks before taking a deep breath. "Not talking is hard!" She declared. "Thou makes Woona do hard things! Thou art a hard...ummm...." She squinted at Naruto. "Umm...too hairless to be a gowilla, too orange to be a pineapple..." She mused out loud, tapping her chin with one...arm? "Uh...Naruto?" Naruto suggested, helpfully. "Owkay, thou art a hard Nawuto!" The little creature nodded in satisfaction. She cocked her head to one side, as if deep in thought once more. "What's a Nawuto?" "The greatest ninja that has ever lived." Naruto declared, puffing out his chest proudly. "A knee-in-jaw." The creature nodded, understanding dawning on her little face. "What's a knee-in-jaw?" "Me." Naruto said, risking an endless circular logic loop. "So...an orange pineapple." The creature broke the loop with her own. "Close enough." Naruto conceded with a sigh. It looked like it was as good as it was going to get. "Thou pwomise not to harm Woona?" It asked, cautiously. "Yeah, promise." Naruto marvelled at how long it had taken them to reach this point. There was in fact something slower than he was! And it wasn't a rock! "Owkay!" The creature suddenly brightened up as it pranced up close to Naruto, sniffing eagerly. Naruto marvelled even more at how quick it was to take him at his word. Or to brighten up for that matter. It appeared simply having company was enough to cheer the little thing up. "Thou smells." And Naruto's marvelling came to an abrupt end. "I took a bath today." Naruto looked down at the knee-high water he was sitting in, "Twice.". "Woona wikes it." The creature said with a big smile, coming even closer. "Thou know, big sis told Woona not to speak to stwangews." Naruto tried to wrap his head around the squeaky bastardization of that last word. 'Angels'? 'Strangers'? "But I'm not a stranger. I'm a Naruto." Naruto reasoned. "Oh, that's owkay then!" She giggled. "Woona will let you be Woona's fwiend! Because Woona is genewous like that!" "Heh, I guess there's no harm. Why not?" Naruto said in what by his stellar standards a diplomatic answer, seeing as he was just the slightest bit uncertain that he wanted to make a friend of this...uh, now it was his turn to try and make out what this creature was. It had four legs, a body, a head, a tail and hair, which called to mind something resembling a horse, albeit a teeny blue one. But that was about where the resemblance ended. The wings and the little horn poking out of its hair suggested something else entirely. Now the young ninja might be infamous for being slow, but there was a lot of credit lost where it was due. He was already putting two and two together by this point. Equine body, wings, horn too. There was only one creature that fit that description; The one-tailed moon kirrin that rampaged through his ninja village of Konoha on the eve of his birth. But...that thing was a creature of immense power that showed no remorse nor mercy. This...this squeaky little party balloon who had so readily believed in his promise seemed anything but a demonic walking doom machine of doom. "So, am I just going to call you 'friend' or what?" Being up front was Naruto's way, and he wasn't gonna stop now. "My name's Woona!" The little creature bounced excitedly. "It's Woooona! Like the sound of the moon sliding up into the sky, or the sound that stars make when they bwink!" Naruto looked down at the little crescent-moon-shaped marking adorning the creature's rear. He put two and two together. "So...Luna?" "That's what Woona said!" The little Luna asserted, "If thou are gonna be Woona's fwiend, thou need to pay attenshun!" She snapped. "Uhuh." Naruto said intelligently. "Good, because now Woona is gonna fwiend-snuggle thee!" It declared, lowering herself on her front legs while wiggling her rear in the air, as if ready to pou-.... "Fwiend-snug-wha...?" Naruto barely managed to say before he was sent flying backwards as he received a sugar-powered flying headbutt to the chest. "Bugyaaaaaah!" He gasped hungrily for air as a pair of legs threatened to crush what life he had left out of him. There was an explosive splash of water, some feeble twitching, then silence. Not many get to die twice in a day. Naruto did. But not even that could stop the blonde from talking. "Somebody...got the number of that jutsu?" He gasped painfully as he lay on his back, half-submerged in the cold water. "Owkay. Thou art a wittle lumpy but soft and snuggly enough to qualify as Woona's fwiend. Thou hath passed the snuggle test. Be pwoud of thyself." The little horse sitting atop his chest, peering down at his face, said. "Thou shall be honoured to be Woona's number one snuggle-master!" "Ugh....dead proud, yeah." Naruto muttered, slowly picking himself up, holding onto the little creature steadily as he did so, eliciting a little squeak from her. "W-Woona d-did not give you permission to hug Woona...but...but....it's owkay." She murmured as she squirmed into Naruto's hold, settling contentedly into the warm nest formed by his arms and his lap. The creature felt snug and warm against him, a really pleasant feeling he realized he had never really felt before. Naruto could almost feel it, the little creature's hunger for company. It...no, 'she', was clutching onto him as if her life depended on it, as if he was the first and last source of warmth she had ever encountered. And seeing this place she was in, he could believe it. What twist of evil could have imprisoned such a poor little creature in such a dark, wet, icky place? "Are you...lonely?" Naruto asked. He felt Luna tense up as if in answer. There was soft sob. He felt a soft little muzzle slowly nod against his tummy. He felt something warm and wet begin to soak his jacket. 'Oh, great, well done, genius' he smacked himself. 'You made a girl cry!'. To Naruto there were few crimes more heinous to a ninja than being Sasuke. Making a girl cry was one of them, even if it was a little horse. Actually, scratch that. Especially because it was little. Naruto knew loneliness better than anyone. If loneliness were a woman, she'd be Naruto's nagging wife. And, Naruto, being Naruto, wasn't about to let loneliness be. "Hey, I don't know you at all, I don't know how long you've been alone, or why, but from now on I swear you won't be." He said, giving Luna a tight, warm squeeze. "Cause I'll be with you for as long as you want me to be, promise." Luna slowly peered up at him through teary eyes. "W-w-weally?" She whispered, as if afraid to even hope. "Believe it." Naruto nodded, giving her an encouraging smile. Luna, in a sudden show of relief and gratitude, gave her new favourite person in the whole wide Woonaverse the tightest snuggle ever. "Urgh..." Naruto realized he was going to have to get used to that. He returned the hug, though gently. "Thou art a funny orange pineapple, Nawuto." Luna pipped up, suddenly smiling up at him. "But a good fwiend. And big sis says Woona must treasure good fwiends. So Woona will treasure thee, Nawuto." A sudden pang struck the young boy's heart. Nobody had said that to him, ever. That the words had come so suddenly yet so sincerely, he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. "Umm...how doth one treasure somepony, Nawuto?" Luna asked. And the warm, fluffy feeling popped as Naruto very nearly faceplanted the water. "Uuuh...." Naruto racked his brain. Interestingly, he realized he had never consciously treasured somebody before. True, he had people he could, in fact, treasure, but he never paused to consider what it entailed. Whatever it was, Ramen probably featured in there somewhere. "I guess....you'd be there for each other, and help each other." Naruto said, thoughtfully. "Oooh, help! Woona's good at helping! One time Woona was helping big sis raise the sun, and Woona was so good big sis told Woona to stop helping cuz Woona was helping too much!" She said proudly. "Though Woona wonders what happened to the second moon after that. We never saw it again." "Err....okay." Naruto nodded. "I'm pretty sure I won't need that much help, I think." Fighting words, Naruto. "Woona can treasure thee by helping thee, Nawuto!" Luna leapt up and down in his lap, causing him to wince as she narrowly avoided stomping his succession. "Tell Woona, what can Woona help you with?" "Uhh, don't turn me into an eunuch to start." Naruto winced as he considered his current situation. "And, well....I'm kinda falling to my doom, I think." He said, remembering his situation. "I probably still am." "Oh! Oh no! Falling is bad!" Luna pointed out the blindingly obvious. "No kidding." Naruto chuckled, ruffling Luna's hair...err...mane? This earned him a squeak of glee from Luna as she pressed her head up against Naruto's hand for more. "All for this toad summoning contract. All it's coughing up is tadpoles. Maybe if I summon enough tadpoles it might cushion me, just a bit." Naruto sighed, recalling why he was there in the first place. He had been practicing the toad summoning technique, a little parlour trick from that pervy-sage Jiraiya. But instead of the big-ass Sasuke-stomping toads he promised, all he got were pathetic little tadpoles. "Summoning contract?" Luna asked, cocking her head to one side curiously. "Yeah. I'm stuck with a really sucky one." Naruto muttered. "Can't summon anything useful to save my butt. My mentor sucks butt...and probably enjoys it. And my exams are in less than a month. Without someone to help me learn some powerful kickass techniques before then, I'd never stand a chance against that Hyuga jerky jerk mcjerkface." He sighed. "So thou needs a good summoning contract and someone to help thee learn some good tek-tek-stuffings! Hahah! Count thyself wucky, Nawuto! Woona is the bestest at both!" Luna declared, crossing her front...hooves? "You can?" Naruto blinked. "Yeah." Luna nodded eagerly, "Woona has a summoning contract that will summon the most powerfull of powerfull...umm...things! And they can help thee learn powerfull stuffings to stuff others with!" "Really?!" Naruto blinked. It sounded too good to be true. "I'm not gonna get tadpoles again, am I? Cause I swear if I see another tadpole..." "Oh, no, better! Much much better! The betteriest better!" Luna declared. "Have faith in thy Woona, wittle Nawuto!" "....o...kay..." Naruto nodded, deciding to suspend his disbelief for just a bit. "Show me then, oh great Luna." "Hmm hmm, good, good that thou comprehends Woona's immense gweatness! Now, watch!" Luna raised her front hooves into the air. "Umm....actually, don't watch. Close thy eyes like a good boy." She muttered, blushing. "Uh?" Everything was already so ridiculous Naruto was not about to question anything at this point. "Okay." He shut his eyes tight. "Awwight? No peeking! Woona knows if thou art peeking. Woona's psychic." She said as she shifted about in his lap. "Nnnghhh..." She grunted, "Mmmmnnhhhh!" She strained, "Mnnnrrgrr...NYAAAAAH!" She cried. There was an explosive burst of bright light. It was so bright Naruto could see the red of his eyelids. There was some panting as something rather heavy settled into his lap. "T-thou...thou can lookest now." She breathed. Naruto opened his eyes, blinking out the spots, as he tried to readjust to the darkness. His eyes fell upon yet another scroll held open in his lap, propped up by Luna. Luna peered over the top, hooves balancing along the top of the scroll. "This is it?" Naruto asked. The scroll was written on some rather heavy-looking paper as thick and rough as leather. The words were in some odd lettering he had never seen before, but then so was the last summoning scroll he had come across. He peered at the signature columns. They were empty. "Uhh...nobody has used this before." He pointed out. "Nopony's ever been awesome enough." Luna declared, haughtily. "Thou hath to be about this awesome to even see this scroll." She stood up on her rearhooves and stretched her front hooves as far as she could to show exactly how much the requisite amount of awesome was. "For thee Woona will make a wittle exception, because Woona is genewous like that." "Gee, thanks." Naruto said, biting into his thumb and drawing blood, as was customary for these things. "Do I just sign here?" "Thou couldst ask for ink and a pen." Luna pointed out with a sigh. "But Woona is nice. Woona will let you mess up Woona's pwecious summoning scroll." "You could've told me that before." Naruto muttered, signing his name in blood on the contract. "Alright, so a better contract that will summon me better frogs. Whatever happens, it can't get any worse." Naruto, optimist extraordinaire, decided. Challenge accepted, Naruto. "Wheee~" Luna allowed the scroll to fall on its side before leaping atop its roll and running her little hooves over it, rolling it up quickly and efficiently. "And now thou art all set, Nawuto! Go ahead. Twy out thy new Woona brand awesomeness." "Heh, don't need telling twice." He drew blood from his thumb, formed his summoning ninja hand-seals in rapid succession, before slamming his palm down into the water. "Summoning technique a-go-go!" He declared. He didn't notice Luna light up her little horn with a brilliant swirl of magic. He was too busy being pulled back into the few seconds of reality he had left. The great sage Jiraiya paced the edge of the spiky cliff of spiky doom. No, not nervously. The great Jiraiya was never nervous. Everything always went to his plan, even when his plans 'improvised' themselves. That's how good they were. So he had taken the boy on as a student. That was one of his good plans. And seeing as he was quick to inspire with really showy techniques, why not start with summoning? It was sparkly, screamed of epic, and above all, any idiot who can spell his name can do it. It's not like they were summoning monstrous supernatural beings capable of flattening entire villages in a single stride, no. There was only one stumbling block. The boy had about as much control over his chakra as he had over his mouth. And no matter how much he strained and pushed as if struggling with the constipation to end all constipations, he could not summon anything more than toad eggs. At best he had achieved tadpoles. So in his absolute genius, Jiraiya decided, to hell with chakra control. Just shove all that demonic chakra he had sealed in him all in one go. And how best to achieve that? Well, push him down a cliff, of course. Everyone knew life-or-death situations brought out everyone's hidden inner strength, right? This plan was perfect. Fool-proof. Dare he say, Naruto-proof! Or was it? He grew more and more...err...okay, flustered, as he paced back and forth across the cliff's edge. So, what if it didn't work? What if he smashed his head on one of those spikes on the way down? What if he's now eating dirt cakes for the rest of his life? What would he tell the village elder? 'Oh, sorry, kinda killed the vessel sealing the evil dark demonic monster of doom. Can we have another?' Well, crap. Just as his spiral of panic reached a crescendo, his train of thought was interrupted by the equivalent of a nuke crossing the tracks. An explosive blast of rainbow light erupted over the cliff. Compressed air blew dirt and soot a mile high into the air from within the depths of the cliff. From within shot out a beam of prismatic light, rocketing straight up for the sun. His ear drums, almost entirely shattered by the sonic boom that had washed over the surrounding area, barely picked up a sound as it doppler'd away into the distance. It sounded something like ".....UUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" "That...." Jiraiya finally managed to find his voice from where it was hiding somewhere in his thumping chest. "...was not a toad." If he hadn't pissed himself yet, he would have if he had taken another look at the toad sage summoning scroll. Naruto's name had all but vanished.