For a good six seconds, the two sides blinked at each other across a seven-foot stretch of somewhat battered presents and gently falling confetti and streamers.
In the middle of it, the Legion soldier who’d been caught in the blast – and blown straight back out of the door – coughed a puff of confetti, and heaved himself upright to look at the somewhat split present that had hit him in the middle. Lifting it, he saw quite a few bright circles fall out.
“Denarii!” he gasped, “I’m rich!”
Vulpes hesitated, trying to comprehend what had happened, and that was fatal. The Legionnaires swarmed on every package they could find, and soon coins, curses and fists were flying in the face of Legion discipline and their leader’s furious swearing.
All of which was good, but Joe saw a problem. “How’n hell’re we supposed to get the fuck outa here with all them in the way?”
“Kill them,” the still somewhat addled Pinkie hissed. What was protruding from her cannon now sported familiar black and yellow markings that raised hairs on Joe’s neck.
“Put that away,” Fluttershy turned to give Pinkie a glare that made the hairs on Joe’s neck attempt to pull free of his skin and run away. And she wasn’t even glaring at him.
“I have a better idea,” Twilight said quickly. “Everyone gather around me!”
Joe just looked blank, before finding himself being shoved into the decidedly equine circle by Applejack, before a startled Pinkie got squashed up against him.
“What –”
When the magenta flash cleared from his eyes, the courier blinked at the immense bonfire that was now uncomfortably close. Then he blinked again, coughing from the thick smoke made by tyres and something else burning.
“Can we get outa here?” Applejack was looking away from the fire. “’Cause those fellers’re still too darn close for my liking.”
Now he had his bearings. Somehow Twilight had instantly transported them out of the store to where the bonfire was. Unfortunately that meant they were still in Nipton, and the shouts from the other end of town, outside the general store, were getting ugly.
“What’s wrong with them?” Joe and the mares turned to regard Pinkie, who was looking westward at the scrum of Legion with puzzlement. “Don’t they like chocolate?”
“You shot chocolate coins at them?” Rainbow blinked. Twilight squinted at Pinkie’s mane. It was… no… it wasn’t quite straight now.
“Well, yeah!” Before the unicorn's eyes, several strands of Pinkie's mane kinked almost audibly. “'Cause when we get a load of chocolate in,” and her voice began to speed up, more strands curling with sounds like toink, crunk and bwang, “everypony comes down to Sugarcube Corner, and then it's all hooves on deck since we have to make hot chocolate and chocolate cake and chocolate chip cookies and chocolate fudge and rocky road –”
The pink mare began to bounce excitedly as she listed, accelerando, the cocoa-themed side of Sugarcube Corner’s merchandising, accompanied by her mane sounding like an exploding string section. Both Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle relaxed visibly. Pinkie seemed to have recovered from her episode.
“All well’n good,” Joe said in a commanding tone, “Now we need to vamoose, and fast. Follow me.”
The mares didn’t need any further encouragement. They followed the human quickly, Pinkie’s excited voice fading out about the time she finished enumerating the slices and began on the cream-filled delights.
Joe looked up at the night sky. Some cloud, mostly stars. Viper conditions. “Alright,” he grunted, “stay sharp. We’ve those Legion bastards on our tails and there’s probably Vipers roaming around. But if I know the Legion, they’ll just barge straight through. Follow the road, and… Hey Dash. You up for flyin’ recon?”
“Sure am,” and the pegasus braced herself for a standing launch.
“Right. We’re followin’ the road up ahead. It goes through a gorge Vipers like to set traps in. Go take a look and report back.”
“Hang on dear,” Rarity approached and did something with her horn that made her friend’s eyes widen. “Wow! It’s like –” She looked back at Nipton. “Ow.”
“Lemme guess, you can see in the dark now? Wish I could do that. Better go ahead and take a looky-lou at what them Vipers are up to. Nothin’, I hope.”
Rainbow looked a little quizzical, but took off anyway. Joe looked around at everypony else, and they started moving, briskly, but not outright running, as the gorge east of Nipton swallowed them.
Rarity’s spell, Rainbow Dash thought, washed everything out in purple. She could see humans to the left, but something about them felt off. The road itself wound through the gorge, and she understood Joe’s concern. It was the perfect place for an ambush. There were vehicles cluttering up the road itself, right where it took a sharp turn north, and figures prowled among them. Looking right, she saw a few crumpled shapes and a flock of those hairy sheep the locals called ‘bighorners’. Well, that made their plans easy.
“We have to go south,” she said quickly, “somepony’s up ahead amongst all those vehicles.”
“Goddamn Vipers,” Joe scowled, “probably scrammed when the Legion came through an’ just scuttled right back. An’ the fuckin’ Legion’s behind us…”
“Dash, give me a lift up,” Twilight ordered.
“Are you sure you’re able to do it again?” Rarity asked in a worried tone.
“I can do it once,” Twilight said confidently. “I just need to see where we can go. Cast your night sight spell.”
“Why don’t you cast it?” Joe asked tensely, head turning from one side to the other, trying to keep tabs on what the Vipers might be doing and what the Legion definitely was doing.
“Need the magic for teleporting all of us,” Twilight responded with a grunt as the pegasus wrapped all four limbs around her unicorn friend and lifted her skyward.
“We’re not far enough away,” he began to mutter to himself, “We need to move, fast. All else bein’ equal I’d rather take on them Vipers ’n…”
Rainbow brought Twilight back to earth. “Okay,” Twilight began quickly, “There’s something like a farm due east of here. I think I can get us that far but I’ll need to rest.”
“Wolfhorn Ranch I bet!” For the first time all night Joe felt his spirits lift. “Gather round lil’ dogies, let’s get goin’!”
“What’s a dogie?” Pinkie asked innocently, while Applejack just eyed Joe suspiciously, Fluttershy with puzzlement, and Rarity glowered.
About five minutes after a magenta flash, the once-mighty soldiers of Caesar’s Legion rolled through, stopping only to experience casualties at the firearms of several thoroughly pissed-off Vipers. Those, coupled with the existing ones from Inculta’s disciplinary actions, meant that the Legionnaires had to break off their pursuit in order to reach their camp.
It was only a few hours of reprieve for the ponies, but they were all quite welcome.
“Ulysses!”
Joe rapped on the shack door. Applejack, still wondering what ‘dogies’ were, glowered at what was clearly a declining bed of plants, dying from neglect.
“Ulysses? It’s me, Joe. Courier Six.” Joe knocked on the door again. “You there?”
The door swung open, revealing a pink pony with an impish expression.
“I’m here!” she giggled, “You should see your face! I can’t see this Ulysses’ face though ‘cause he ain’t here and no dogies either and what are they anyway and there’s just lots of rusty furniture and…”
Joe just tuned her out and peered over her poofy-maned head. Apart from a few fission-battery lights, it was obvious that the man hadn’t been here for a long time. Even the ancient tattered flag of what the man had called the ‘Old World’ was missing.
“Well…” Joe scratched his head. “If y’all ask me, I don’t think Ulysses will mind if we spend the night here. Let’s get some sleep and head out in the mornin’.”
“I’ll be right in,” Rainbow said quickly, “I just need to, uh…”
“Just don’t get seen,” Joe responded.
The pegasus trotted around the far side of a boulder. There seemed to be enough privacy here. As she did one more check for dogies or anything else that might be watching, she heard the sound of a hoof behind her. Applejack’s silhouette was distinct against the night sky.
“You okay there?” the earth pony asked seriously. “I saw your face when Pinkie… uh… lapsed.”
“Um…” Rainbow lifted her tail and Applejack politely retreated back behind the boulder. A mare had to do what a mare had to do, but preferably without witnesses. “You remember when we threw that surprise party for her? How she got the idea that we didn’t want to be her friends anymore?”
Applejack chuckled. “Oh, yeah, I remember now. Hay, I never woulda guessed she knew so many cuss words.”
“She really did try to kill me.”
“What?”
“When I went to get her,” Rainbow finished her business and sought out her earth pony friend, “Remember how I told you about the party she was having? With a rock and a bag of flour and stuff?”
“Yeah…” Applejack’s eyes reflected starlight.
“Well, she wasn’t happy to see me at all,” Rainbow said grimly, “and she went at me with the knife she was cutting the cake with.”
Applejack just stared at her in shock.
“She was snarling something about cupcakes too,” the pegasus added, “I, uh, had to buck her a few times before I could bring her to the party.”
Applejack’s mouth fell open. She remembered that Pinkie had been a right grouch right until Rainbow had literally dragged her by the tail into the barn for her surprise party, but now she thought about it…
“You were lookin’ a little wild-eyed back then,” she said quietly, “But Pinkie came back to normal,” she added almost challengingly.
“Until now!” Rainbow’s eyes flicked down to the miserable shack the rest of the herd were in and back to Applejack. “You saw her face back in that town! Bucking hay ‘Jack, she was shot in the bucking head as soon as we arrived! What else is this place gonna do to us?”
Applejack didn’t answer. She knew Twilight’s plan was to follow her horn, and hopefully once there work out a way to get back home.
“We’re gonna get outa here first,” she declared with a little conviction, “Twilight’s gonna find a way home afore anythin’ else happens. Then there’ll be no more violence, no more monsters, good fresh juicy apples an’ clean water!” Her voice slid into a whine of longing.
The pegasus closed her eyes against a matching upsurge of homesickness. Then both mares’ ears turned towards the dull rapping of gunfire.
“Woah,” Applejack gulped, “I’ll bet it’s those Legion jerks. We better get inside.”
Rainbow nodded, gulped, and followed her friend into what would undoubtedly be cramped, but it had to beat being spotted by those two-legged monsters.