Haversack Joe looked behind him and reflected on just how fuckin' weird this job had become.
Now, Joe was used to carryin' odd things between the settlements of the Mojave, and a platinum poker chip wasn't as bad as the decidedly... intimate... attire that he'd once had to cart from Freeside to a not particularly discreet NCR private who wanted to give her boyfriend a surprise. Wouldn't have been surprised if the entire army knew about it first.
But of course things'd turned to shit. Being ambushed in the battered old trailer he'd crashed in was bad enough, but being plugged in the head by some casino pretty-boy was definitely the low point.
Then a pink talkin' pony seemingly popped out of nowhere when he finally woke up and managed to get out of the doc's surgery. And she wasn't a figment of his imagination.
That was definitely weird.
So now he was headin' from Goodsprings back to Primm and the Mojave Express office there. Had to notify Head Office that the shipment had been stolen by what looked like some asshole from the Strip. With a fancy suit like that, he'd be easy to spot.
Followed by six small, talkin', obnoxiously friendly mutant ponies who didn't know where the hell they were.
Joe looked upwards where two pegasus – pegasuses? Pegasi? - were circlin' as lookouts. The yellowish one flew slowly and sedately, the bluish one was more enthusiastic with all that zippin' and divin' and spinnin' around. He looked back to the other four, all of whom were followin' behind, talkin' among themselves and lookin' round. Apparently a magic spell went wrong or somethin' and the purple one with the horn was sensin' something off to the east that might be responsible.
“I wouldn't head out that way,” Joe had said firmly, killing last night's discussion stone dead. “Accordin' to this Pip-Boy here, you're pointin' towards Novac, and the safest route is to go south past Primm and turn east via Nipton. There's a couple places where some Vipers and Jackals hang around, but leave those fuckers t' me. Otherwise you'd be tryin' to go through Primm Pass, and last time I looked that way fuckin' deathclaws'd taken up there.”
And about then the yellow pegasus had shuddered. Seems she'd met the ones that'd taken up at Sloan. Also that the fuckin' cazadors were hatchin' again on the I-60, which meant that, along with the deathclaw in Primm Pass, if anyone wanted to reach New Vegas it was via the N towns or nothin'.
They might've been weird, but them ponies had got him useful intel.
He just hoped they wouldn't have to stop in Nipton. That so-called fuckin' mayor there made him jumpy. Given the toss between stayin' there or pushin' on to Wolfhorn Ranch, he'd risk the road out east every time.
The road dipped down to meet the Long 15 north to Sloan, then New Vegas, if you didn't mind tryin' to outrun deathclaws. Which Joe did. He looked around and frowned. There was a campfire just south of the Jean's Sky-Divin' shack. Shading his eyes, he looked north. Few more bods wandering around up there – if he squinted, they seemed to be wearing blue. He wasn't more than a few hours on the road and already his hackles were up.
Just like another fuckin' day at work.
“Okay folks,” he said, bringing the ponies' attention to him, “we stay on the road to Primm, got it? Trudy was tellin' me them Powder Gangers've been seen roamin' round here, and last thing we need's them takin' shots at us. Anythin' or anyone attacks us, get outta my way and I'll deal with it. If the bugs're hatchin' that means the geckos'll be more aggressive too.”
“Geckos?” One moment he was lookin' at six ponies, the next he had just one emerging from his armpit gabbing right in his face. “You mean like those cute little lizards that can climb up the walls and –”
“Hell no!” He saw movement over yonder and unslung his rifle, pushing Pinkie off. “Those fuckers.”
Said fuckers were reptilian, standing about four feet tall, and almost looked comical as they ran forward on their short hind legs. Twilight was reminded of Spike, except that these creatures' eyes lacked any intelligence, and their toothy mouths were much larger.
“Oh, of course,” she groaned, “not just giant bugs but lizards too...”
Her horn glowed as she extracted a pistol from one of the sacks that Rarity had turned into improvised saddlebags. The weapon felt strange in her magic, or maybe it was just... Stop it Twi! Be grateful that it's only animals you have to kill!
“Don't you dare!”
The lead gecko skidded to a halt as an irritated pegasus dropped out of the sky in front of it.
“We haven't attacked you, have we?” Fluttershy glared at the reptile, which was slowly closing its mouth and seemed unable to look away from the mare. “And yet here you are waylaying innocent travellers! What would your mother say?”
Joe just stared incredulously as the geckos began to fidget and shuffle their feet like embarrassed children under the pegasus' scolding. The other ponies also stared with various levels of amusement and surprise as the tirade reached its climax and the geckos turned and fled, shooting unmistakably cowed looks at the glowering mare tapping one hoof on the crumbling tarmac.
“Well...” Joe spoke uncertainly, causing Fluttershy to jump and squeak with surprise and embarrassment, “Guess we should be headin' on down 'fore they come back...?”
Twilight levitated the pistol back into her bag with some relief. At least this time she wouldn't have to try killing anything. But later on...
Mid-afternoon, a few miles north of Primm
“Looks like something tore a line in the ground,” Twilight observed, peering at the large gash that ripped across the four-lane highway they'd been following. On the other side, a scaffold held the remnants of signage; beyond that, the twists of the Primm's iconic roller coaster.
“Somethin' radioactive,” Joe grunted, “So let's hurry through it before anyone gets glowy.”
“What's wrong with glowy?” a voice rasped, before a head crested the top of the trench, “What the hell?”
What the hay was the ponies' immediate reaction as well. The figure appeared to be a human, but one that looked more like a half-burned corpse in some sort of bulky robe. What little mane he had was more or less stuck to his skinless scalp in a parody of a combover.
“Meet th' ponies,” Joe grunted, “ponies, meet y' first ghoul. So whatcha doin' out here?”
“Oh hi there mister ghoul!” With one not entirely possible bound Pinkie Pie seized the being's hand (how, Joe couldn't figure out) and shook it violently while exhaling, “My name's Pinkie Pie and these are my friends Twilight and Rarity and Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Fluttershy and Haversack Joe here is helping us find a way to get back to Equestria and we're on our way to Primm and I can't wait to try out their roller coaster and what happened to your skin and what's your name anyway?”
The ghoul staggered a bit and blinked at the energetically grinning pink... horse? …which smelt not only of road dust but also a bit like candy. “Uh...” he managed to get out at last, “I'm... Brother Dave. Of the Bright Brotherhood.”
Joe noticed that Twilight and Rainbow Dash both seemed to relax at Pinkie's outburst. He'd have to ask 'em about that.
“Pleasedtameetcha Dave! So what's a Bright Brotherhood anyway is it like some kinda hat that glows in the dark and can we see it cos I think Rarity'd love to have a look at it and what brings you out here anyway?”
Dave's expression made Joe smile. The crazy pink pony seemed to have two speeds that he could see: asleep and like one o' them comic books... which one was it... oh yeah, Looney Tunes.
“Uh...” the ghoul scratched his head in confusion, then flicked away lumps of dislodged scalp. “We follow Jason Bright. He's a great man, leading us away from here to a better world. I was with Brother Patrick but we got separated, anyone seen him?”
“Sorry,” Joe spoke for them all, “Just come from Goodsprings and nobody's seen no ghouls around. Might've taken the road to Sloan though, and hopefully stopped there.”
“Yeah, I'd heard about them deathclaws,” Dave nodded, “I've had enough trouble with gangs on the way up here.”
“Gangs?”
“Yeah, first off,” and the ghoul ticked off encounters on his fingers, “There's a group waiting in ambush east of Primm; I saw some of the Vipers hanging around the old highway patrol station; I headed west to avoid 'em and ran into ferals; and a pretty nasty group's taken over Primm. According to the NCR troops stationed there those townsfolk not dead're holed up in the Vicki 'n Vance.”
Joe swore. “And I need to talk to old man Nash too! Well,” and the Courier squared his shoulders with a grim expression, “thanks for the information and I hope you find your friend. C'mon ponies, we gotta reach Primm by nightfall. I wanna talk with them NCR boys.”