The last thing Lyra had expected to hear was Twilight’s voice coming from the other room.
But there, on the television. It was impossible. Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash… Usually it only showed human figures. How could it possibly be showing Equestria?
“Yes ma'am. I wanted to put up a new barn, but this one's gotta come down first. Heh heh. Now get back to it, RD!” Applejack’s familiar accent… It seemed so unreal to hear it now.
What’s more, Lyra thought she recognized this. It was from when Rainbow Dash had volunteered to tear down the old barn. That had been the same day that Twilight had lost it and cast that spell on her old doll.
Lyra slowly lowered herself into a chair, her legs shaking. Was it possible? Her entire life… some kind of television show that humans watched? Why hadn’t she found out about this earlier?
And then there was a bright flash of light, and Jesus appeared!
“Hey, Lyra! What’s up?” said Jesus.
Then a giant drill smashed through the wall, crushing the television. Kamina jumped out of his giant robot’s cockpit. “JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?” said Kamina.
Lyra did not know who Kamina was because she was from Equestria, and awesome hadn’t been invented there.
“Get your guitar, Lyra. We’re going to kill the Soviets,” said Jesus.
“Why are you going to do that?” said Lyra.
“Because all of the Nazis are dead,” said Jesus.
Lyra got her guitar, and Jesus used his god powers to turn it into a guitar that was shaped like a skull. Then Lyra started to play the song “Highway Star” by Deep Purple. It is Jesus’s theme song.
[playing this song will only enhance your reading experience]
She jumped up on top of Kamina’s robot while still playing the song. Jesus got onto his motorcycle. They rode down the street while dodging laser fire.
“Where are the Soviets?” said Lyra.
“They are in Russia, of course. With my Jesus powers I can make giant robots walk on water.”
So Jesus made it so that Kamina’s giant robot could walk on water, and they went to Russia.
All of the Soviets were in Russia.
“We are Communists,” said one of the Soviets.
Then Jesus jumped out of his motorcycle and did twelve backflips in midair. When he hit the ground he reached into the ocean and turned water into assault rifles.
“You are threatening the American Way, and that makes me sad because America is my favorite country,” said Jesus.
He shot a whole bunch of the Soviets with his assault rifles so they died.
“I believe in Lyra who believes in me!” declared Kamina. Lyra believed in him. He was a human. She always believed in humans. He punched a Soviet so hard in the face that his fist emerged in another dimension. When his fist came back Bon-Bon was there.
“You are a human now,” Bon-Bon said to Lyra.
“Since I have Jesus powers, I can tell that you are a Soviet spy,” Jesus said to Bon-Bon.
“In Soviet Russia, ponies watch you,” said Bon-Bon, thus proving that she was a Soviet spy and always said the opposite of the truth.
“This is such a plot twist,” said Lyra.
Then Kamina threw his sunglasses like they were a ninja shuriken, except instead of killing Bon-Bon they landed on her face. Then she was American.
“It is a good thing we are no longer enemies,” said Bon-Bon to Jesus.
There were still a lot of Soviets left, so Jesus had to defend American democracy. “I can feed all five thousand of you… WITH LEAD!” said Jesus, effectively condensing Matthew 14:15-21 into a single action movie one-liner.
As they continued into Russia, Kamina picked up Jesus by his feet and started swinging him around and hitting a whole bunch of Soviets. “This is my body, given for you!” said Kamina. “Do this in remembrance of me!” Kamina is not actually an ordained minister, and this is not how communion works.
They had no time for Stalin, so Jesus, Kamina, Lyra, and Bon-Bon continued Russian in. “Thanks for Lenin a hand, Lyra,” said Kamina.
They had to go faster because Russia is very big and they had to find Nikita Khrushchev, king of the evil Soviets. Kamina and Jesus got into their motorcycles. Lyra, who was a human, rode on Bon-Bon’s back. This was not strange at all. And also Bon-Bon could fly now.
Then suddenly they found a wall.
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” said Jesus.
“I will not let you through, Jesus,” said Mr. Gorbachev.
Then Kamina used his giant robot’s drill to break through the wall. Because that is what drills do: they break through walls. There were also a bunch of Soviets hiding behind the wall because they thought it would protect them, but instead pieces of them were flung all over Russia.
“I’m Jesus so I still love you even though you are Soviets and we are killing you,” said Jesus.
“Don’t you know you are my very best friend, Jesus?” said Lyra.
“LOL,” said Jesus. He’s a pretty cool guy.
They had to keep moving into Russia even faster so that they could find Khrushchev and save democracy.
But instead of Khrushchev, they found the Geico gecko.
“I am not a communist and I am going to save you a lot of money on car insurance,” said the gecko in an endearing Cockney accent.
“Thank you, Geico gecko,” said Jesus.
But then the Geico gecko took off his mask, and it was actually Nikita Khrushchev!
“I tricked you, Jesus!” said Nikita Khrushchev.
“I knew that gecko couldn’t be trusted!” said Lyra.
“It’s time to give you this day your daily ass-kicking,” said Jesus.
So Jesus and Kamina charged up all the Spiral Energy in the world through the power of prayer and shot a gigantic laser beam at Nikita Khrushchev, defeating him like Jesus defeated sin and death.
“Thanks to you and your electric guitar shaped like a skull, democracy has been saved,” said Jesus.
“I am glad that I was useful,” said Lyra.
Then they all exchanged brohooves because all of the Soviets were dead. Jesus is a massive brony so he’s stopped giving high-fives. And Bon-Bon still doesn’t have hands anyway.
