I rubbed myself down with my free hand, a bitter looking Cosmic gargling with the shower water in my right, and Dust sitting and laying against the wall of the shower. I was clad in a pair of unfortunately stained boxers.
Cosmic spit on my foot, "...Ya bloody pissed yourself...."
I washed my pits and held Cosmic's head in the water, "I know...."
Cosmic just hummed, "Mmmhmm, bloody told ya you couldn't out drink me."
I washed her mane, slapping the shower wall with the longest bits. "It didn't happen when we were drinking...."
Cosmic sighed, enjoying the warm water, "Right...ya don't bloody buck me, that's what ya get, a bloody piss dream."
I opened the shower curtain, setting her on the bathroom counter and stripping once the curtain was closed again. "We're not having sex.... You said Dust has the mind of a filly, and...I can't--"
"Oi...I said she was smart as a filly, she's been standing over ya in your sleep, waitin...watchin...."
I grew uneasy as I turned to the tired body occupying my shower, "...Why?"
"She want's you ta' buck her, buck 'er 'ard." Cosmic stated, exaggerating her accent, "Almost let her the other day."
"Dust, you?!" She shrunk back and tried to meld with the farthest wall of the shower, "Traitor."
"Oi, don't blame her. You're the one who bloody said no."
I shook my head and finished cleaning myself off. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist before getting out, "Look, we're not having sex, so just stop."
"No, fuck off." Cosmic said dryly, using my words instead of her usual, bucking. "Why won't ya fuck me?"
I shook my head and picked Cosmic up, throwing a towel into the shower and onto Dust as I went, "Why are you on about this now?"
Cosmic just glared up at me, "Ya' makin' fun of me?"
"What?"
She tugged the tip of my nose with her magic, "Your voice, ya ain't all clear anymore...is it a bloody joke!?"
I shook my head, "No...I don't let on I'm from England...people get all weird about it. O M G are you British!? Why yes, I'm English. Oh...is that in British? What, I- England is on Britain, yes. Wait, are you Irish!? I love the Irish! Actually I had family die during an IRA bombing.... A what?" I let out a long huff to end my monologue, "And then I always have to leave the bar."
Cosmic just stared at me, "...The buck you on about?"
"Nothing. Just, it's easier to pretend--"
"Buck off. Never would I think to pretend I'm not from bloody Trottingham...but you, ya bloody dandy, fakin' yer' voice!? Piss off with that."
I ignored her and carried her into my bedroom. I covered her with my sheet and got dressed, "What's up your ass today!?"
Cosmic grumbled as I uncovered her head, "It's about what's, not, in my ass. I was bloody throwing myself at ya, but ya just- buck ya!" She glared at me hard, "My buckin' pussy is just baking, ready for a good fat cock, but ya just...ya holdin' out on me!" She looked absolutely livid, "How much do I have ta do!? The bloody first person to come find me is a decent lookin' stallion, but he's too much of a sloppy filly to please a damn mare!? Buck my ass...."
"Are you really that desperate?" I picked her up and found the saddle I'd build for her to ride in, "Fuck it, we're gonna go solve this."
Cosmic's ears perk up, "Oi...ya' putting out?"
I waited until Dusted wandered in, strapping the saddle to her and sitting Cosmic into the saddle, "Nope."
She looked around, "So the buck we doin'?"
I lead her down the steps from my bedroom and over to my front door. "I've got...twenty bits. We're gonna go buy you a dildo."
Cosmic started grumbling as we started into town, "Bloody first time in public, an' it's for a cheap buckin' pecker!? Bloody shell out more than twenty bits!"
I let out a sharp huff, "...Look...if it'll shut you--"
"Gimme onehundred."
"Oh fuck off!" I stuffed my bits back in my pocket, "You're not getting one--"
"It's not just for a stud, it's for other stuff...." Cosmic stated, rushing past as Dust walked after me, "I'll pay ya back somehow!"
I grumbled angry and stopped in the road, a group of ponies stopping and gawking, "What other stuff?"
She grumbled, "Look...ya gonna bloody give me some money or are ya just gonna be a prick about this!?"
I took a deep breath and pulled out some bits, "You lose this I swear to god--"
"Someone bloody tries I'll stab em with my horn!" Cosmic stated, "Now.... Give us a bloody kiss...."
"What!?"
"Nothing!" Dust turned away, walking into town, "The buck are we goin'?"
I shook my head and lead her through the slightly dull road into town, taking a hard right into an alley and showing her into a small sex shop I knew of. "Look...before you go in. I heard about this place from someone I dated in Canterlot...point is...I, don't go here."
Dust pushed past me, Comic just whinnied as she walked inside, "I don't--" She stopped dead, stuck staring at a row of packaged dildos lining a rack. "....Bloody buck...this is the most decadent thing I've ever bloody seen.... And I love it...."
I looked at the various boxes, "...This place really is sleazy." I looked at a box, "Dragon? How the- diamond dog.... This place is fucking disturbing!"
"Piss off!" Cosmic screamed, "This is...amazing!"
I shook my head and looked at a few more boxes, "...That is the most disturbing looking dick I've ever seen. How do they even know what an Ursa's dick looks like!?"
Cosmic was practically drooling, "Bloody buck.... Is that what yours looks like!?"
I just grumbled angrily and walked to the door, "Look...you do whatever you're gonna do, I'll be outside."
"Aye...." Cosmic levitated down a box, "I'll uh...sort myself out--" She turned to me with a horrid smile, "They bloody cum...ya make em bloody cum...."
"Augh god!" I stepped out the door and hid behind an alcove. The smell of piss and sweat was heavy in the alley. I did my best to ignore it as a beige mare started walking over.
She walked to the door of the sex shop, stopping dead and turning to me, "...Is she in there?"
I looked the mare over, "You gonna start shit?"
She just stared at me, "Maybe.... It's...it.... Fetish...." She squeaked out, heading into the shop and leaving me alone once again.
I cocked an eyebrow watching with bated breath for the mare to run out screaming. To my surprise a few minutes passed, leaving me standing awkwardly in an alley. After what felt like an hour Cosmic hurried out with three overstuffed bags riding around Dust's neck.
"What the fuck?" I asked, walking over and looking over the boxes, "...How...?"
Cosmic just started laughing loudly, "That bloody mare in there, she gave me like three hundred bits!"
"What!?" I snapped, watching her walk down the alley, "Why!?"
Dust slowed down so I could catch her, "She wants pictures...gave me her address and some stuff." Cosmic looked back to me, "Camera's still crazy expensive?"
I grumbled angrily as we left the alley, "Three hundred bits...how the bu--" I covered my mouth, "Fuck! Now I'm saying it!"
"Ha, bucker!"
I ran my hand roughly down my face, "Billiards.... Look, can we just go home? Do you really want to be walking around with bags full of--"
Cosmic stopped, turning around, "Look, I need some stuff.... Doin' it for ya' so piss off about it."
"For me!?"
"Aye for ya! Look...we're gonna bloody rock a bed, I don't care what ya say, ya' want it." Dust flicked her tail hard, swishing it around, "Now unless ya gonna drop trow, and rut me in the street right here, piss off and let me shop."
I glared at her, feeling like we'd suddenly switched lives. "...Right, shop on then."
Dust spun around, pushing past a rather large crowd that had gathered around us. A pony wandered over to me, leading against my leg, "Dude...I jerked off to your special somepony...."
I glared at the young stud, "So...you want my boot shoved up your ass!?" I pushed him back and chased him off. Catching up with Dust as the crowd listed after her. "So--" I stopped and looked at the crowd, "Ya'll wanna piss the fuck off!?"
The group took a collective step back as Cosmic started laughing, "Oi...you're not gonna put your cock in me, why so bloody defensive?"
"B-bup- because I don't want ponies lining up at my fucking door!" I snapped back, chasing after her, "...I wanna go home...."
"Then bloody go." Cosmic started snickering, "Look at this...I think I'm fine...."
I looked at the crowd that was following us, fronting on them and keeping them back, "I'm not going anywhere."
Cosmic just started snickering, "Pillock."