//------------------------------// // The Evil Either Rises Or Descends Depending On How You Look At It // Story: Cynical Pone Parody // by Nonagon //------------------------------// CHAPTER THE ONE WHERE THE PLOT FINALLY GETS GOING "THE EVIL EITHER RISES OR DESCENDS DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT" or "IT GOES FROM A FOUR TO A SIXTEEN ON THE DARK SCALE IN THE SPACE OF ONE PARAGRAPH" Nonagon and Treehouse had just reached Sugarcube Corner when the ground began to tremble. They both looked around, Treehouse with concern, Nonagon more with disappointment that he wasn't going to get his ice cream. "What's going on?" Treehouse asked in a shaking voice. "I don't know," Nonagon admitted. "But whatever it turns out to be, I'm sure it will be something entirely unexpected but shockingly predictable in retrospect." Other ponies were beginning to notice the tremors, abandoning whatever it was that they were doing to stand still and stare around apprehensively. As the rumblings grew louder, even the pegasi soaring overhead came to a halt, hovering in place. From somewhere nearby, a trio of purple, pink and many-coloured shapes streaked into the sky, only to be lost as dark clouds filled the air from horizon to horizon in a matter of seconds, seeding and rolling out seemingly from nothing. Hairline cracks began to appear in the roads, opening up to unnatural darkness beneath, and from these cracks dark fumes began to spill forth. Treehouse nervously edged closer to Nonagon, then realized what he was doing and quickly edged away again. He watched in horror as the growing pillar of dark gases nearest to them began to swirl and fall in on itself, forming a black, impenetrable cloud. After several long seconds, this disspiated, leaving the shape of a pony in its place. This pony was dark, not in colour, but as though it was obscured by shadow from every angle; it may have had wings, horn or both, but imperceptibly changed with each passing second. The only part of it that was visible was its eyes, which glowed bright red with predatory intelligence. "Is it friendly?" Treehouse asked with pointless optimism, noting identical shapes forming every few houses all the way down the street. "Just stay close to the wall," Nonagon whispered back. The shapes looked back and forth, taking in the dozens of ponies around them who were too frightened to even breathe. Then they smiled, revealing shining fangs as sharp as the kind of knives that people demonstrate in supermarkets, and all at once, they pounced. What followed was pretty much every terrible thing the writer could think of happening all at once. There was the standard fare of carnage and running about, but also graphic, detailed images of cute and cuddly ponies from a show aimed at young girls being savaged and slaughtered in the most horrible of ways, and the dissonance that this created made the scene even more disturbing. No one was spared, not even the children, that's just how dark and terrifying and serious and totally incongruous with the setting the situation was. On the whole, it was pretty unforgivable. Even if the damage that was done here could somehow be undone by, I don't know, magic or something, the sheer trauma that would come from experiencing such an event would leave the entire town emotionally broken for years, minimum. If whoever were responsible for this were to later say that it wasn't really their fault or that they'd only done it because of the darkness in their heart or something, it would be very difficult to imagine that they would be let go without some kind of punishment. Heck, Tirek got life imprisonment, and all the permanent damage he did was blowing up some trees. I mean, if someone came to wherever you live and massacred a bunch of people, and then came back two days later and said that they'd been mentally ill but were better now and shouldn't go to prison, what would you say to them? Hang on, I'm supposed to be telling a story here, aren't I? Right, back to that. "I think I'm going to be sick," Treehouse said, then promptly proved that his prediction had been an accurate one. "Truly, this is a dark day for Ponyville," Nonagon said darkly, still thinking about ice cream. "You can tell by the fact that death has been mentioned already that the villain here is someone serious and mature and deserving of our attention. But don't worry. We're going to get through this. And whoever is responsible for this is going to pay." "But what's the plan? And why the heck aren't we running?" "Don't worry, talking is a free action. And as for the plan..." Nonagon straightened up, speaking with the unflinching bravery of someone who wholeheartedly believes that he is not in any actual danger. "We're going to run out there, perform a few easily-accomplished acts of heroism to prove how brave we are, then hole up somewhere and wait for divine intervention to provide a way for me to get out of here." "I don't like the way that I was abruptly excluded from the last part of that plan, but other than that I agree with certain parts of it." "Awesome. Let's do this." The two stallions charged across the square and into the fray. Nonagon zeroed in on a mare who was trapped beneath one of the reaching shadow beasts, only her weak and failing hooves keeping its snapping fangs inches away from her neck. "Take this, you generic monster!" he yelled, delivering a clumsy but impressive-looking punch to the creature's head. It exploded into shadow, disappearing into the increasingly thick air around it. As the mare mumbled her thanks and scurried off, he whirled around into a kick that destroyed another creature leaping towards them, then dove and took out another who was encroaching on two terrified colts. "Man, these things are easy to kill!" he commented, exploding a fourth monster with a casual slap just to see if he could. "I'm surprised the danger's even lasted this long." "I'm more confused about why everyone's still running around," Treehouse added, punching into oblivion his sixth shadow beast of the day. He stopped to gesture to the continuing chaos and running about around them, ponies bumping into each other and walls in their ineffectual attempts to escape. "Why hasn't everypony left town or gone inside by now?" "Herd instincts, I guess. Ponies are mountainous herd animals, so when threatened they scatter in all directions to confuse predators. Maybe that doesn't translate too well to enclosed streets." He scratched his head. "Or something. I just made that up." "Whatever." Treehouse squinted into the distance. "Oh hey, there's your girlfriend." "Where?" Nonagon whipped around, spotting the mare he'd seen earlier tangling with one of the dark ponies. "Awesome! Now's my chance to save her, and..." He took one step forward, then froze. "Wait. Girlfriend? You say that?" "Well, uh... yeah. Boyfriend, too. Those are the words we use." Treehouse cocked his head inquisitively to the side. "Why?" With mortified slowness, Nonagon clasped a hoof to his face. "Oh, no wonder Twilight Sparkle thinks I'm an idiot," he muttered. "Well, that's in the past. Now I'll just..." He started again, then stopped. "Where'd she go?" "Oh, she killed it already and left." Treehouse stared admiringly at the place where she'd been. "Another competent character? I guess she will be important later after all." "Glad you're catching on." Nonagon looked around. "Seriously, is this scene still going on? Why aren't we done here yet?" "Um... dude." Treehouse backed up, nearly backing into him. "I think that there is why the danger isn't over yet." Nonagon looked. Advancing towards them, down what he just now noticed was a suddenly otherwise empty street, was a practical wall of ponies. They were living, or had been until recently; although their bodies were intact, lines of shadow covered what might have been wounds, their eyes glowed with the same unforgiving red as the shadow beasts. "Is this the part where we run?" Treehouse whimpered. "I think... maybe?" Nonagon checked their exits. More lines of possessed ponies were approaching from all directions, cutting off all escape routes. "Well, I can't think of anything," he said to himself, "so there's only one thing for it. Come on, scene transition, don't fail me now." --- "Crap. This isn't what I had in mind." "Speak for yourself!" Treehouse yelled back, leaning heavily against the doorframe. They were trapped in a bedroom on the top floor of an abandoned house, already in a state of disarray, as though its former inhabitants had left in a hurry. Treehouse held the door shut against the pounding hooves of the possessed ponies outside, while Nonagon scouted for a way out. There didn't seem to be one; the only window was out of reach, and the other wall was built directly into the thatched roof. They were, well and truly, trapped. "I was speaking for myself," Nonagon snapped back. "How the heck did we even get here? I thought we had more presence of mind than this!" "You're the one who said you're no good at action scenes!" "I said I was learning!" Nonagon stalked back and forth in the confined space, looking around testily. "Come on, think think think. There's gotta be a way out of this..." "No, there's not. I'm gonna die here, aren't I?" Treehouse slumped against the floor, defeated. "We're done for. Even if you get out, it's going to involve me making a heroic sacrifice for you or something worse. I'm never going to see the outside of this room again." "Hey, don't talk like that. Listen, it's not so-" "No, you listen," Treehouse spat. "I've done literally nothing in my entire life except punch monsters and argue with you. Don't you think that maybe I wanted more out of life than that? Huh? Maybe I have a favorite ice cream flavor. Maybe I would have done really well on an adventure. Maybe I actually look pretty good, if you'd ever let me know what I look like. You know that mare you've been bragging over all day? Maybe I thought she looked pretty cute too. And maybe I would have eventually asked her out instead of you, and I'd bet money that I would treat her a lot better than you ever would. And maybe we'd get married, and have three beautiful foals, and live a long and happy life together and never have to deal with any of this manure ever again. Or maybe none of that's true. But it doesn't matter, because I'm never going to get to find out, because I'm only here so that I can get ripped to pieces so that you can go off and be smug somewhere else! What does that make me, huh? What the hay does that make you?" Nonagon stared at him for several long seconds. "Hold the door," he ordered. Treehouse leaned forward. "Oh, you miserable-" "I said hold the door!" At the last second, Nonagon charged forward and slammed the door with his shoulder, crushing a reaching leg that had been just about to land on Treehouse's flank. He pounded on it repeatedly until the leg withdrew, hearing unearthly screams echoing from the corridor outside. "I am not letting you give up on me that easy," he growled into Treehouse's stunned face. "Know why? Because I am not going to give up on you. Now keep your head together and hold this!" As his friend meekly obliged, Nonagon backed up again and scanned the room with new eyes. The bed was too far and too heavy; he decided on a nearby wardrobe, rounding it and pushing with all his strength. "Move... now!" he commanded, giving one final shove and sliding it in front of the door. It started to shift as the possessed ponies increased their battering, but the extra weight allowed Nonagon and Treehouse to hold it steady as they collapsed against it, together. They lay there for a second, catching their breaths. "Why?" Treehouse panted. "Because you think I want you to die," Nonagon breathed back. "And I want you to know that that's not true." "But... but reader sympathy..." "Forget reader sympathy, okay? Look, maybe our backstory is bogus, and maybe things aren't destined to end so well for us. But we've all got parts to play, whether we like them or not, and you? You've gone above and beyond. All you had to do was be some dumb prop to hold me up, but you weren't satisfied with that. You're more than just a friend to me, okay? You're my foil. And if anyone deserves to break away from the darkfic formula, it's you." Treehouse smiled weakly. "You mean that?" "Yeah." Nonagon nodded. "And I just want you to know that, no matter how things play out in the next few minutes, there's no one I'd rather have spent the beginning of this story with than you." "...Thanks." Treehouse wiped his eyes. "You know, I know you seem like a pompous, overly analytical prick most of the time, but you're actually not a bad guy." "Thanks. And you're... nice, I guess." They looked into each other's eyes. "And right now, my only regret, the only one, is that I didn't make you into a hot chick." Treehouse's smile dropped. "I take it back," he said. "You're a priiiiiiiiiiiiick!" His last word turned into a frantic wail as, with a concentrated shove, the possessed ponies rocked the wardrobe hard enough to topple it over. Nonagon got out of the way in time. Treehouse didn't. Its heavy frame landed on top of him with a decidedly final thud. Nonagon put on a hat just so he could take it off and hold it over his heart. "Goodbye, buddy," he said with some degree of sincerity. "I'll miss you." The possessed ponies continued to hammer through the door, splinters starting to fly. Just then, however, a wall of light materialized across the doorframe, blocking their path. Nonagon looked skyward, towards a portal materializing through the roof. "And right on cue, there's my ride," he said. In a blaze of light, Princess Celestia appeared in the room, shortly followed by Princess Luna. Nonagon bowed for just long enough for the narration to make note of the fact that he had bowed and then immediately straightened up again. Celestia smiled beatifically at him. "Do not fear, my little pony," she said. "You are safe now." "My princesses," Nonagon said reverently, feigning ignorance. "Why have you come here?" "A great evil, Lord Paradigm, has risen from his approximately one thousand years of slumber," Princess Luna answered. "If he is permitted to continue his rampage, the horror that has befallen Ponyville will be but a taste of what is to come." "We fear that Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends have already been taken by his influence," Celestia continued with sadness in her voice. "And that is why we have come here, in search of a hero who will lead us to victory against this threat." "But, my princess, you must be mistaken," Nonagon said teasingly. "There are no heroes here." "There is one, though he does not know it yet," Celestia answered with equal laughter in her voice. "But if he learns to believe in himself and in the courage within his own heart, then he may yet become the greatest leader that Equestria has ever seen. And that is why we have come to Ponyville, and to this house, and to this very room. Because the pony we seek is the one called..." She paused for dramatic effect. "Treehouse." There was a long pause. "What." "Me!?" Treehouse exclaimed, bursting out the back of the empty wardrobe. "Ah, there you are." Celestia and Luna stepped around Nonagon, leaving him stunned in the middle of the room. "We have come to you, Treehouse, and you alone," Celestia explained, "because you are the only one who can save Equestria." "The only one," Luna confirmed. "But... but why me?" Treehouse gasped, taking a decent stab at his lines. "I don't know anything about being a leader. I'm not strong, or smart, or even that brave. I'm just an ordinary pony!" "That is true," Princess Luna told him. "It may seem to you that you are simply an ordinary pony. It is true that you have no history of leadership, or of combat, or of sacrifice, or of making difficult decisions, or of travel, or of danger, or of adventure, or..." She faltered, looking to her sister. "There was supposed to be a 'but' in there somewhere, wasn't there?" "But that does not matter," Celestia covered for her. "Because there is a strength in you that is yet untapped. It is a power that we have felt, but you have not yet fully grasped. And once it has been unlocked, you will be the only one who can save our kingdom." "The only one," Luna parroted with relief. "Hey, now... now wait just a minute!" Nonagon burst out, feeling the situation slipping uncomfortably far out of his grasp. "Why him? Why not me?" The two princesses turned slowly, looking him up and down. "And you are?" Luna said. Nonagon drew himself up proudly. "My name is Nonagon the pony," he stated, "and I'm every bit as unqualified for the job as him. I'm inexperienced, I'm conflicted, and I'm capable of believing in myself! On top of that, I've got like three more character traits than he does! Why in Equestria would you choose him to be your leader over me?" The two princesses looked at each other uneasily. "Well, Nonagon the pony," Luna said, "we mean thee no offense, but thou art... kind of a prick." "But that makes me endearing!" Nonagon whined. "...Yeah, no." Celestia shook her head. "I'm sorry, but what we are really looking for is someone who has absolutely no character traits at all aside from being 'nice' in a general sort of sense." "And a stallion," Luna added. "Yes, that's right. Someone who is a guy, and nice, or some combination of those terms. Ideally, he must be someone who has no skills or achievements and no drive to acquire any skills or achievements, and he must be someone who does not regularly perform any actions that would indicate that he is brave, quick-thinking or compassionate, but knows that he could definitely be all of those things if the world would just give him a chance to prove it. That, we feel, is the mindset that will lead to greatness." "That's me! That's totally me!" Treehouse jumped up and down in excitement, then slowed. "Wait, will this be dangerous? Will I have to fight?" "Only if you wish to," Luna said, turning back to Equestria's new hero. "You will have other ponies who will do all your fighting for you. They will also perform all the dangerous tasks for you, except for one or two which any small child could have performed, and they will make all the difficult decisions for you, except for ones which only require you to point out obvious and simple solutions. You will, however, get to order everyone else around, make speeches, and take all the credit at the end." "Wait, so I'll basically get babied around through my own story like a small child that the universe is trying to make feel special?" He shrugged. "I'll take it! Will I get an attractive female sidekick who's better than me in every measurable way but isn't allowed to be the main character for some contrived reason that stinks of executive meddling?" "What do you think this is, a modern action movie?" Celestia guffawed. Then she sighed deeply. "Yes. The answer is yes. We'll provide several." "Hot damn." Treehouse jumped down from the empty drawer, tossing splinters out of his mane. "When do we leave?" "Immediately," Luna said. "We have tarried long enough." The three of them walked back towards the portal, leaving Nonagon in open-mouthed shock. Treehouse paused as he passed him. "Um... can we take Nonagon with us?" he said, looking back at him. "He talks a lot. I might need him as a foil." "I am sorry," Celestia said, "but we only have enough power left to take one. Your friend will have to fend for himself." "What? No!" Nonagon leaped forward, grasping at Treehouse's side. "Please, dude. You can't do this to me. This is my story!" Treehouse gently shrugged him off. "Sorry, Nona," he said. "We all have roles we have to play, whether we like them or not. You know?" He winked. "It's been fun. I hope I'll see you when this is over." "No. NO. NOOOOOO!" Nonagon yelled as the princesses and the hero stepped into the portal. A flash of light momentarily blinded him and they streaked off, leaving a massive hole in the wall behind them. He watched through this helplessly as the light moved towards Canterlot, taking the story with them and leaving him helplessly behind. "Where will I get my pathos from now?" he murmured. The magic gone, the sounds of the town began to return. There were screams and inequine cries, with half the town still idiotically running about outside, and the pounding against the door began with renewed fervor. He could also smell smoke, and saw several surrounding roofs already ablaze. As he considered his options, the door cracked loudly, and drooling faces and wisps of smoke began to push their way into the room. "Oh crap," he said aloud as the penny dropped. "I'm the dumb friend who dies right at the start." With a mighty crash, a dozen possessed ponies barged into the room, newly-grown fangs glistening. Looking back only once, Nonagon let his body take over and hurled himself through the newly-created hole in the wall, landing heavily on the ground below. "Oh, I'm glad we're inexplicably good at taking falls," he gasped to himself as he lifted himself up. All around, possessed ponies and shadow beasts were chasing ponies left and right, seeming much more threatening now that victory against them was no longer assured. "Can't accept it," he muttered. "This is just a minor setback. Gotta get sympathy somehow, somehow...!" A white filly galloped past, screaming her head off as a shadow beast bore down on her. Seeing his chance, Nonagon swept her up and dragged her into an alley, kicking desperately at the beast's nose until it turned away in search of less troublesome prey. "Shh, shh, it's okay," Nonagon hissed, holding the filly down as she continued to scream and tried to squirm away. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm a friend, okay? A friend." Slowly, the filly stopped squirming. Nonagon lowered her to the ground. "That's it," he said. "Everything's going to be okay. I'll look after you, all right? My name's Nonagon." He carefully held out his hoof towards her. "What's your name?" She stared at his hoof cautiously, but didn't touch it. "Sweetie Belle," she answered. "Awesome. I'll keep you safe until we get out of here. That's really important to me." He turned and pointed out of the alley. "Now, you see that crowd of possessed ponies over there? I want you to run right at them-" Sweetie Belle swatted his hoof away, then slapped him hard across the face. "You always do this to me!" she yelled, then ran away screaming. She made it all the way across the street, a new crowd of shadow beasts in tow, before a larger white unicorn picked her up and ran away moments before a burning house collapsed where they had just been. Nonagon blinked. "Huh. Wonder where that came from." A snapping sound alerted him to a new threat, and he jumped away from his hiding spot just as a shadow beast's jaws closed where his neck had been. "Yipes! Okay, new plan, get out of here." He ran down the street, dodging left and right with fearful abandon, searching for anything that might lead to his escape. "Just gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get out-" He stopped short. Chance had led him to the edge of the town, presenting him with a dark and empty road out. Despite all the chaos behind him, no one had taken this obvious exit, or if they had, they had long since vanished into the distance. "...Oh." At a calmer pace, he walked out of town and into the murk beyond. No ponies or shadow beasts followed him, and in minutes the sounds of burning, screaming Ponyville were already fading into the distance. "Well, that happened," Nonagon said as he collected himself. He looked around. Even though he knew it wasn't yet noon, the unnatural clouds and fog covering the landscape made Equestria as dark and cold as a moonless night. Far ahead he could see the distant lights of Canterlot, still burning. "Well, so much for that story," he sighed. "Guess I'm playing it by ear from now on. This should be interesting." Without a plan, or much of anything at all, he ambled on into the darkness.