Dear Princess Sparkly Vampire Romance:
You know, I don’t quite understand what’s wrong with all you ponies. I mean, Apple butt has just proved that she is clearly unfit for solo farm duty, so why would her family leave her alone to do all the work? Unless they expected her to hire the five of you as cheap labor while they got a free vacation, in which case it was clearly a stroke of genius.
Of course, given what I’ve heard about their cider-selling practices, it’s probably just their inbreeding catching up to them. Either that or vampire fruit-bat guano got into their cooking. Either way, it would probably be wise to stay away from anything containing apples for a while.
But let’s talk about those little winged rats, shall we? They’re quite special, aren’t they? And not just because they’ll suck the life out of any fruit they can find. I mean, all they eat is fruit! Do you think if we dissected one Froot Loops would spill out?
To be honest, I would have made a much better suggestion than either of them. Hear me out: We round up all the fruit bats, put them into a box, then mail that box to a rival farm! Not only do we get rid of the pests, but we also give them a place to live while financially ruining somepony we don’t like! Wouldn’t it have been just perfect?
Ah well, that didn’t happen, and so we got a really cool vampire instead! I swear, Stephaneigh Meyer needs to get out of the crystal empire and look to Ponyville for inspiration for her next book! Of course, I’d rather have Barn Stoker write any fiction involving Flutters as a vampie.
Still, I guess you could argue that she’d try to kill you once you tried to get her in bed, so maybe it was for the best. Of course, I’m confused as to why you though showing her mirrors would cure her. Haven’t you heard that vampires can’t be seen in mirrors? Ah well, I guess every writer has their own ideas about vampires, so I can’t really complain.
Anyway, it was certainly fun to hear all about your brief exploits as a monster hunter, Twilight Van Helsing. I was really looking forward to having Flutterbat help me hunt Nazis, but I guess that’s a dream that will have to wait for another day.
Sincerely, Discord.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:
I'm so glad you and your friends get along so very well!
And by the way, I got Fluttershy a free ticket to that competition. I'll bet she'll really enjoy all that delicious and humongous fruit!
Your faithful monster-breeder, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: We already have an organization called P.E.T.A., so Fluttershy's gonna have to find a new place to make her club. May I suggest a particularly comfortable crater on the moon?