//------------------------------// // Chapter 21 // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// Noctilucent settled into his pile of cushions with Shortbread Cookie and the new foal, Holly having piled them together. They seemed content enough with one another, and Holly disappeared to go fix two bottles in the kitchen. A pale grey earth pony emerged from the stairs and peered around the corner, his faded blue mane obscuring his eyes. He yawned, looked around, and then cautiously approached Noctilucent. With a nod of his head, Noctilucent encouraged Biscuit to come closer, and Biscuit did, settling down on the cushions with the foals, looking at the new foal with wide eyed curiousity. “Have a nice nap Biscuit?” Noctilucent asked. Biscuit nodded, saying nothing, his ears drooping low. “They are very precious, aren’t they?” Noctilucent inquired. Biscuit nosed them once each in reply, and settled in closer, pressing himself against Noctilucent’s side and gently touching Shortbread with his fetlock. “Must be hard, being so quiet all the time, probably wanting ponies to notice you,” Noctilucent mentioned as he wrapped his good wing over Biscuit and held the small foal close. Biscuit nodded, and then looked Noctilucent in the eye. “Ever get jealous? It is okay if you do, I won’t get mad if you are honest,” Noctilucent promised. Biscuit closed his eyes and nodded slowly. He opened his eyes again and saw Noctilucent looking at him patiently. The little foal felt an odd stirring in his heart and his eyes became a little moist. Holly emerged from the kitchen, took one look at the pony pile on the cushions, sighed heavily while smiling, and then continued over to feed the two foals their bottles. She sat on the floor close to the cushions and carefully maneuvered the bottles until both foals began to feed, the lunar pegasus foal having some trouble adjusting to the bottle. “It is very kind you to look after Biscuit like that,” Holly praised. “He gets lonesome too,” Noctilucent replied. “I am sure he does,” Holly agreed. “And how about you? Do you feel lonesome sometimes Noctilucent?” Noctilucent did not reply, he only nodded. “Foals are good for us lonesome folk, they give us the attention we so desperately need and never once stop offering their affection or attention,” Holly stated in a soft low voice. “Lethe is going to be by soon. She wants to talk with you. Look, I understand that you got yourself into some kind of trouble and that is why you are here. I don’t care about that trouble. You are good with these foals, you are good to these foals, and it doens’t matter to me what sort of trouble drove you to hide here. I am glad that you are here.” “Thank you,” Noctilucent replied, looking Holly in the eye. “It means a lot to hear you say that.” “Quirky knows loneliness better than you might believe. Try to spend some time getting to know her better. Be patient with her. She seems really friendly now, but her mood changes. And when it does, try to be her friend, please, I do so worry about her,” Holly begged. “Her mood changes?” Noctilucent asked. “Sometimes. She’s been hurt. She needs ponies to be there for her while she re-adjusts to living after being hurt so badly. She too, loves foals and is very, very good with them. That is where her mood stays constant,” said Holly, sharing her own observations. “I am actually very surprised she kissed you. She probably desperately wanted the attention and your approval. Anypony’s approval really,” Holly stated. “I know you have a lot of work with the foals you currently know, but if you could find it in your heart, spend some time with Shady Patch. He could use a friend like you. He’s hurt too. Lost his mother. You could do a lot to help them both.” “I can try,” Noctilucent said, watching the foals suckle on the bottles. “You are such a good pony,” Holly said. “I am really glad you are here.” “I am not a very good pony at all,” Noctilucent said. “But I want to do better,” he added, looking serious, and his eyes fell downwards. “One thing I’ve learned as I continue to grow older. All of the best ponies, the sorts of ponies they write books about, the ponies that get remembered, they all started as bad ponies, full of troubles and a hard life. It was their changes that made them great, and drove them to do great things. So don’t let the bad stuff hold you back, use it to push forward,” Holly encouraged. “Thank you Holly,” Noctilucent replied, now looking up and meeting her gaze, his ears folded back against his head. Biscuit pushed his nose into Noctilucent’s neck and made whuffling sounds, happy to have a moment of private attention where the other orphans were not running roughshod all over him. “I wish I knew how to reach you Biscuit,” Noctilucent said to the foal. “Me too,” Holly repeated. She lifted both foals in her magic and began to pulse her magic along their backs to burp them. Shortbread Cookie let out a tiny feminine sounding belch, and, after some coaxing, the other foal let out a hideous roaring belch that scared Biscuit, causing the skittish colt to splay his ears and let out a whimper. “Oh my, she’s gonna be fun. Give her a good name Noctilucent,” Holly said. “One will come to me I think,” Noctilucent replied. The room was silent for the moment. Dr. Lethe sat on a large cushion that had been brought to to Noctilucent’s room, and Noctilucent reclined on his bed. The two ponies studied one another, and the foals were asleep together in a tiny pile on Noctilucent’s bed, clinging to one another, the lunar pegasus forming a wing cocoon around the both of them. “Noctilucent, if we may, I’d like to talk about your parents and your feelings about them,” Dr. Lethe suggested, breaking the silence. Her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. “I guess we can start there. There are questions I had though,” Noctilucent replied. He felt nervous and could feel his stomach clenching from fear. It was painful. He wasn’t sure what to expect from Dr. Lethe. “We can have a question and answer session, I’d like that. I do think you would ask the right kinds of questions,” Dr. Lethe responded. Her stern features softened a great deal and she suddenly took on a very soft and approachable aspect. “The foals are adorable, I believe they will help you. Sometimes, we need a small herd we can connect with before we can connect to the larger herd all around us. Seeing you with them gives me hope,” Dr. Lethe stated. “What you say makes a lot of sense,” Noctilucent replied. “I find it easier to connect with foals than adults.” “Common with those who have troubled foalhoods. Tell me what you can about your father and your mother. Even if you don’t know much, tell me your feelings,” Dr. Lethe instructed. “My father was a terrible brute and I know nothing about him… my grandmother did everything she could to make me hate him. I guess you could say she influenced my feelings about him. You know, looking back, she hated all the males in her life. My family members, my father, probably even me now that I think about it. She was always upset that I wasn’t a filly. I wonder what she did to my mother? I don’t know what to feel about my mother,” Noctilucent admitted. “So if I am understanding your words correctly, your grandmother, the maternal force in your life, diminished your masculinity and hated males? Would this be accurate or would you care to reword this?” Dr. Lethe asked in summary. “Pretty much, I guess so,” Noctilucent replied. “I never felt good enough. I felt as though my whole existence wasn’t good enough for her. She loved me, I guess, in her own way, but even when I did things perfectly, they weren’t good enough for her. I could get an ‘A’ on my report card and she would complain that it wasn’t an ‘A+’ and then keep telling me that I wasn’t applying myself and I was just a lazy colt. She was always the most affectionate when I was willing to admit what a horrible colt I was or that I had failed.” “That sounds unfortunate Noctilucent. You are a good stallion. You are not a disappointment. You have unlimited potential to do anything you want, and your grandmother was wrong to make you believe otherwise.” “Thank you Dr. Lethe. I don’t know you very well, but that makes me feel better to hear you say that. I cannot help but notice that I have been around some very strong females lately who keep lifting me up, even if they keep teasing me sometimes. It has left me very confused.” “So what the female presences in your life are doing right now stands out in sharp contrast to your experiences with your grandmother Noctilucent? Do you feel comfortable telling me more?” “Sure Dr. Lethe… There is Holly. I have to admit, she gets on my nerves sometimes when she treats me like a foal, but she treats everybody like a foal. She’s been nothing but kind to me. She tells me good things about myself, that I can do good things. She makes me feel good about myself. I woke up and fixed breakfast… I didn’t just do it for the foals, I wanted to do it to please her.” “I see, Noctilucent. Were you hoping for some maternal praise?” The solar pegasus fell silent for a moment, his face confused, his eyes narrowed and focused on Dr. Lethe. His ears moved though several different positions and finally, his nostrils flared. “I suppose that I was Dr. Lethe. And I guess I got it. She was so happy. And it made me feel better. I felt like I had purpose.” “Purpose is good Noctilucent, very good! We want you to feel like you have purpose. But we also want you to make yourself happy. You must not just live for others.” “Dr. Lethe, I don’t know what makes me happy. I lost that somehow.” Dr. Lethe realised that the topic had strayed away from discussing Noctilucent’s parents and had slipped into a discussion about his surrogates. And other things. Progress was being made however, and she resolved to continue. “My dear Noctilucent, we shall have to discover what makes you happy, things solely for yourself. It is not selfish to do things for yourself that make you happy. You do not have to give of yourself so completely that you take no time for yourself.” “I spent so much time trying to make my grandmother happy. Nothing I ever did seemed quite good enough. There was always something I could have done better. I was relieved when she died, as though a long job had finally ended. Does that make me a bad pony Dr. Lethe?” “No my dear Noctilucent, that makes you a pony. Faults can be strengths and strengths can be faults. It all depends on what we do with them. Feeling relieved when somepony dies after a long trying relationship doesn’t make you a bad pony. You were just glad that it was over. You had every right to feel that way about her death.” “She always had something terrible to say about everything. About my father, my mother, about me, Dr. Lethe, is she part of the reason why I seem to be doomed in love? Why I cannot seem to connect to other females?” “There may have been some influence there Noctilucent. Care to tell me more? This is a very sensitive subject, and we are really only getting started with one another in a our relationship. Do you feel comfortable divulging this information with me?” “I dunno just yet. I guess that was a pretty tough question to ask Dr. Lethe. Just seems like I am cursed. Always faced rejection. And she was always there to rub it in when it happened.” “That bothers me a great deal to hear you say that Noctilucent. It troubles me that a pony that was supposed to care for you and nurture you harmed you so much. She should have comforted you.” “I was scared to reach out and try to love someone. I always talked myself out of it. I told myself that they would be just as disappointed in me as she was. I became very good at convincing myself of things. I’d find very logical reasons not to do something, very very logical reasons, and my reasoning felt so sound that I just talked myself out of everything life had to offer. There was always some good reason to retreat. Instead of trying something new, I’d make lists of all the reasons why it was a terrible idea and why it was doomed to failure. And then I would look at my lists and ask myself why should I bother with trying. There was no point. Even when I made the attempt on my own life, I had so many good reasons. It seemed like the only logical thing to do. I had so many reasons, so many logical reasons on why it was the only choice I had left. I reached a point where I couldn’t talk myself out of it because my reasoning felt so sound. How do I fix this Dr. Lethe?” “Well my dear Noctilucent, you start by getting somepony elses opinions other than your own, and hear out their reasonable arguments. Pay attention to their logic. Like you are doing now. Telling me that took a lot of courage, the sort of courage that one needs to continue onward in your position.” “You don’t think I am a freak? Or that I am a messed up pile of trash Dr. Lethe?” “No Noctilucent, my dear pony, you have too much potential to be any of those things. You’re hurt. That does not make you a freak or a pile of trash. Just means that you need somebody to look after your wounds until you get better. I want to help you get better. If a foal falls and skins their knee, does that make them an inherently bad foal?” “Well, no… Dr. Lethe, of course not.” “You have fallen and skinned your knee. Those around you who should have comforted you and looked after your wound did nothing. Noctilucent dear, I hope you will allow me to pick you up and look after you.” “I’d like that Dr. Lethe. I really would. Look, I had other questions I meant to ask, but I am feeling really emotional right now. Can we skip those for another time? I am not sure how much more I can deal with.” “Of course Noctilucent. We shall do this on your terms. Do you want me to leave and give you some privacy?” “Could you stay actually Dr. Lethe? For once, I don’t want to be alone, I just don’t know what to say. Maybe we could just make small talk?” “I will stay and sit with you a little longer Noctilucent. Would you like some tips on rearing a lunar pegasus?”