I walked around town, hanging my groceries off of Dust’s neck as we walked around. I looked down to the headless mare. She was adjusting slowly, but each day she would wander farther and farther from me. “You doing okay, Dust?”
Dust just bumped against my side, causing my bottles of alcohol to clatter against each other. She nuzzled my leg, nearly tripping me as we walked down the market street. I stumbled into a pony, spotting a familiar purple mane.
The unicorn backed up and turned to face me, “Excus--” Rarity stopped herself as she spotted me, “Oh...Mister Sander.”
I coughed once, covering my mouth as Dust walked over and gave Rarity a single hoofed hug. “Rarity...hello.”
Rarity rubbed Dust’s neck, “Hello dear. Hello...Sander….”
I laughed nervously, “So…did you get my letter?”
Rarity nodded, “Yes.”
I felt a frown crawl over my face, “And you’re...still mad?”
Rarity just frowned, “I don’t stay mad, Mister Sander. I get even.”
I let out a short chortle, “W-what?”
Rarity flicked her tail and turned away, “Oh you’ll see. An eye for an eye, as you humans say.”
I backed up a little, “Dear god….” I turned to Dust, “Never have I been more intimidated by a four and a half foot mare in my life.” I made a strange defeated noise and walked Dust deep into the open air market.
Stall after stall filled the square, ponies peddling everything from carrots to apples to blankets. I always enjoyed walking through the market, even with the strange looks I now garnered from the shoppers and pushers. I would always find something I liked, but my budget was rather tight in the summer education dearth.
I made my way towards the Apple family stall. The usual pair of Apple family ponies replaced by the orange Apple mare and a man in a red cotton flannel. I walked over, scratching my head as I did, “Applejack...hello….”
Applejack spun around, smiling and walking over, “Jason, ya here for your order?”
I looked around nervously, “Yeah...hey...people aren’t avoiding you because of me, right?”
Applejack cocked her head, “Cause your head impaired friend there? Heck naw!” Applejack reassured me with a stomp of her hoof, “Nope, just a slow day is all.”
I nodded gratefully, “Well that’s good, who’s this?” I pointed to the man unloading the cart.
Applejack let out a pained sigh, “Long story...been a pain in my flank but he’s a nice kinda guy when he’s not off bein’ stupid.”
I smiled and nodded, “Sounds like half the people I’ve met.”
Applejack found my package and kicked it over to me, “Right, well there ya go.”
I picked up the rather bulky crate and hoisted it onto my shoulder, “Thanks AJ, take care.”
She let out a country goodbye and left me to walk my way towards home. Our walk was cut brutally short as the mayor’s aide found us on our way out of the market, “Mr. Sander!” she trotted up and smiled wide, “I would just like to let you know, I’ve started a petition in Canterlot to acquire your...friend, for magical studies!”
I glared at the painfully perky mare, “So...you’re seriously looking to get fired, aren’t you?”
The mare just scoffed, “A creature as rare as this cannot be wasted! Think of all the magical questions she could answer for us--”
“See...I’d believe you if you didn’t try and take her from me before.” I adjusted my crateful of supplies, “You don’t give a shit about magic. You just don’t like her….”
The mare just laughed, “Oh come on...I’m not a complete bitch--”
“Yeah...you are….” I flipped her off, walking away with Dust in tow. She stuck by my side the whole way through town. Several ponies snickering as I walked past.
One brave soul walked next to us, “Hey….”
“Morning….”
The mare just snickered, “Hey so...is she vocal?” she snickered like an idiot, “I bet she screams like a filly--”
I stopped and turned to her, “She has a head.”
The mare looked stunned, “Wha--”
“And she’s really loud, it’s always fun hearing screams of passion from three rooms over.” I made a few obscene thrusts, “I’m workin’ her over in the bathroom and you just hear, oh Celestia don’t stop, from the bedroom.”
The mare grew beet red and backed up, “That’s…. Oh my gosh….” She hurried off to her friends, leaving Dust looking me over.
I just shrugged, “It’s just a joke….”
Dust flicked her tail, apparently trying to remind me of her achy backside. She wandered past me, bumping me with her flank and walking along towards home.
I scratched my ear and lurched on, growing a shameful erection as a stiff smell and puffy red mare greeted my every step forward. I did my best to ignore it and just kept moving forward. Stallions joined in the the jeering as my posture worsened. “Damn it body...control yourself.” I mumbled to myself, spotting my home in the distance.
I hurried on, meeting Dust at the door. I fumbled with the crate, trying to grab my keys. “Come one da--” I nearly dropped the crate, falling to one knee in order to keep from smashing it wide open. “Shit….”
Dust jammed her hoof against my pocket, brushing my person and forcing my keys against it, “Ow...why?”
Dust just continued to abuse my pocket, eventually guiding my key out of my pocket and onto the floor. I just let her do whatever she was doing and stood up. She managed to grab the key and open the door without any further trauma, “Oh...good on ya.”
She pushed the door open, holding it as I walked the crate into the kitchen and set it down. The flour, apples and assorted vegetables sat heavy on my table. “Dust!?” I shouted, ready to unload my food.
Dust trotted in, holding still and letting me take the bags off of her neck. Alcohol, fresh meat, sweets and an assortment of fresh supplies quickly found their homes. Everything slowly got put away.
Dust trotted over, bumping me with her flank, “Yo...what’s--” I stopped when I spotted Cosmic sleeping in the saddle basket I had made. “...It’s like...noon.”
I found my prize of the day, a magically chilled bottle of scotch. I enjoyed the cold tingle and planted the side of the bottle against Cosmic’s stump. She snapped awake in an instant, “Bloody bucking mother of bitch!” she screamed, Dust flailing as I pulled back, “What the buck!?”
Cosmic continued to freak out as I found a chair, “Bloody, bollocks, bitch!” She calmed down slowly, looking around and cocking an eyebrow, “The buck am I?”
I rubbed my head as I picked her from Dust’s saddle, “It’s afternoon, you’re in the kitchen, and we’re gonna drink.”
Cosmic let out a long drawn out groan, “Bloody...cider and breakfast? Bloody bucking Tartarus….”
I shook my head and set her down on the counter, “More like lunch and scotch.” I found a pair of loaves of bread and threw together a vegetarian and a chicken sandwich. I stuffed the apple and lettuce sandwich into Cosmic’s mouth and carried her to the table. Dust wandered around the house, aimlessly ambling and leaving myself and Cosmic to eat and get hammered.
I found a pair of shot glasses and poured two ice cold shots. “Alright….” I slid a glass to the dazed mare’s head. “You ready?”
Cosmic bit through the sandwich, “No...can I have a damn minute ta’ collect myself!?” She took a deep breath, slowly controlling her breath. “You’re...a bloody nob end.”
I shook my head and clutched my glass. “Look...are you in, or out--”
“Look, you calm your ass down and let me bucking focus!” Cosmic scoffed, closing her eyes, putting her ears back and taking a deep breath, “Dear Celestia...it’s like guard training. Bloody colts lining up to try and drink me to bed. Never bloody worked before, not gonna work now!” She yanked the glass over with her magic and threw it back, “Mmmh, augh!” She yelped, throwing the glass down.
I started chuckling as she licked her lips, “Good, right?”
Cosmic just shook her head, “More...now!”
I slammed my shot and poured another round. LIttle by little we tossed back shot after shot. The only indication of her drunken state her watery gaze and Dust beginning to stumble around the hallway to the kitchen.
The taste of good scotch overwhelmed my better senses and spurred me to drain half the bottle in one harsh bout of liver damaging contests with my fiery eyed friend.
Cosmic grew more and more glassy eyed, her nose turning a bright bold red as her magic started to fizzle. “Oi...stupid...po-pour it in my mouth!” She demanded, her breath reeking of the hard liquor.
I pushed up off the table, feeling my body slosh around like jelly as I tried to steady myself, “F-fuck….you know...if you can’t magic yourself drunk...you shouldn’t get drunk….”I grabbed her and the bottle, slowly stumbling into the livingroom where Dust was splayed out on the cold wood floor. “Fuck me…how much did we--” I stopped dead as my vision cleared enough to view my clock.
Cosmic squinted hard, “What the- buck me! It’s bloody dark already!?”
“Augh fuck….” I tossed Cosmic onto the couch and stood wobbly in the center of the room, “Fucking...fantastic!”
Cosmic wiggled herself around, turning to me, “Bucking Tartarus...this is just like training.”
I felt a string of drool gather around my mouth, “Fuck your training! You’re a horse!”
Cosmic grew angry, “Oi, you’re a bl-blu- bloody monkey! Ya...jackmole!” she yelped, her right eyelid drooping down. “I bloody more the army than you!”
I felt my old accent start to crop up, “Fucking...pillock! I was- desert towel people, before you were even...different!” I grumbled incoherently, “Fucking...I loved the army!”
“No...no...I bloody loved the bucking army!”
I started laughing like an idiot as I remembered one of my friends, “I- heeheeeeheeeeugh- fuckin’ Tom!” I put my hands over my groin, “Fuckin’ idiot...he goes over to one of the trucks the Americans had, he was fuckin haggard...and he just--” I cut myself off, giggling like an idiot.
Cosmic started snickering, “Ya bloody nonce...ya sound like a bloody filly!”
“No- n-no--”
“Yes.”
“No!”
“Yes--”
“Tom….” I stated, bumping into my coffee table and making the clutter jump, “Tom...he fuckin’ he went over...started pissing on some American truck-” I leaned forward, clutching my knees as Cosmic hazily tracked me, “-fuckin...he started just pissing on the tire.”
I grabbed my tackle and wiggled it around through my jeans, “Just whippin’ it around, like a damned fool. Bloody idiot-- Then- then fuckin Andy comes up behind the idiot...fuckin pair of bolt cutters in his hands.” I spread my legs into a semi crouched pose, Cosmic snickering like a complete fool, “Andy takes the fuckin’ things...and just-” I put my hands together at crotch height, quickly yanking them up in a balled double fist, “-Wham! Fuckin- he fuckin’--” I broke down laughing once again, “He bloody smacked him right in the balls!”
Cosmic just started laughing harder than I’d ever seen her laugh before, “Right in the bollocks!?” She just kept laughing, her eyes starting to water as Dust heaved on the floor. She just kept snickering as she caught her breath, “I kicked a stallion square in the taint once….”
“Pppffffpph, why!?”
“Buck--” she let out a horrid burp, “Bucker was harrassin’ a mare...and she was...she has a nice ass…. So I walk over...I kick em’ in the bloody taint...and had a buckin’ tumble!”
I slapped myself across the forehead, “Waits...you...wait…. You’re a dike!? ‘Ave I been hittin’ on a bloody dike?”
“Oi! You- you bucking…. I love the cock! I--”
I started busting up, “You fucking love the cock!? Oi I fucking bet you do!”
Cosmic grew redder around the nose, “I don’t- no- just because you’re monkey dick! Buckin’ monkey dick!”
“No- you...you love cock--”
“Yes...but you...buckin…. I wanna see it!” Cosmic’s magic fizzled at the tip of her horn, “Buckin’...I wanna see it….”
I started sputtering, “You what?”
Cosmic just stared me in the eyes, “Last cock I saw was buckin’....three centuries ago...so get your bloody great cock out…. I wan’t ta’ fuckin’ see it!”
I fell to my knees, laying myself across my coffee table, “Ya...what the fuck?!” I just started laughing like a mad man, “Complete loon, ya fuckin’ want my bloody cock?”
“I...the buck did you say to me?” Cosmic started glaring at me, her right eye half closed, “I...am a mare…. And I...am in heat…. And I...like cock…. And my bloody vagina buckin’ hurts! So bloody find my a stallion, or get it out, ya massive pillock!”
I closed my eyes and laid across my table, “My bloody vagina…. Heh...hehehheh…. Do ponies fuckin’ menstruate!?”
“...The buck is menstruate…?”
I felt like I was dying as I laid across the coffee table, “Dear Christ, you’re like my first bloody girlfriend back in fuckin’ Kent.” I let out a rough sloppy cough, “Damn bint...fuckin’ idiot….”
Things grew quiet as I felt the scotch slosh around in my stomach. A sweaty smell filled the room, “...Why the fuck do I smell vagina…?”
Cosmic just grumbled, “Because you’re a bloody pussy...fuckin cock hole…. Fuckin’ get it out...I wanna bloody see it ya fuckin’ baby!” Cosmic continued to badger me. Dust walked over and laid against my back, grinding herself against my leg as I tried to stay awake. The liquor in my stomach was slowly taking me into a warm, slumped over sleep.
Cosmic’s voice kept me on the edge of consciousness, “What...am I not good enough? Ya’ done with your dirty bloody jokes!? Come on, you want it, I buckin’ got it...just...get your damn cock out...ya prick….”
“Pony go sleep….” I mumbled hugging my coffee table, “Pony...go bed…. Go bed now pony.” I crawled over the table, laying strung from the table to my couch. I grabbed Cosmic and cradled her against my cheek, her angry half cocked gaze burning into my left eye, “...Pony…. Bed.”
“No--” I cut her off, clutching her against my chest, “Ya bloody reek like...hmmm.” She let out a pleased moan as she buried her nose against my stomach.
“Pony...bed….” I ordered sloppily, "Just...gonna sleep this off, take care of...things...later."
Cosmic started mumbling as I clutched her like a football, “Don’t talk...about my vagina...you pervert….”
“It’s not...yours, it’s Dust’s.”
“It’s my vagina!” Cosmic screamed, nuzzling against my chest, “I want...sex….”
I took a deep breath as I drifted off, strung over my sitting area, “Buy you a dildo...tomorrow….”
Cosmic just let out a soft hum, “You’re...a dildo….” Things went deadly still as I felt my foot slip off the edge of my coffee table, "...Dildo...buck me.... Buck...Buck me.... I want...buck...." Her voice petered out into a horribly loud snore.
I envied her ability to sleep through anything, quickly joining her as Dust wrapped her hooves around my leg.