The lights blind me as I walk into the small studio. I close my eyes hard, feeling the bright light slowly become less offensive. I open them and find a recording studio different from anything I’ve ever seen before. Well, it’s not that different when I start to make the connections. There are no chairs, just cushions on the floor. Ponies don’t usually sit in chairs after all. Everything is very low to the ground, but I guess that’s so ponies can do things while standing on all fours or sitting on the floor. Buttons and gadgets are pretty huge, but I guess they have to be when the only way to move things is with hooves and long mouths.
“Come, come!” the stuck-up one says, ushering me to my cushion. Her name’s Rarity, but where I come from, she’s just a stereotypical rich girl. Well, except she’s a pony. “Sit down! We’re about to start!”
I sit cross-legged on a pretty purple pillow with nice gold stitching and all sorts of things that make me wonder if I’ll ever see a urinal or a football again. I’m worrying that this whole universe is girly.
The beloved Princess Twilight sits her beloved bottom down in front of me, intentionally avoiding eye-contact. She acts like she’s busy checking to make sure everyone is doing everything right, and everybody acts like she’s doing the right things. Someone– excuse me– somepony offers me a glass of water. I nod at the ground, and she places it there nicely.
“Thank you,” I say. She smiles. It’s a nice gesture, but this is all way too weird. Everyone thinks so.
“Quiet on the set!” commands Rarity. Somepony rushes the jabbering pink one out. I pray I don’t get stuck at a dinner table with that balloons-for-brains. “Interview between Princess Twilight Sparkle and Caleb Tobin, the first human in Equestria, is live in... 3! 2! 1!”
The princess fixes her eyes kindly on the camera in front of her, and speaks in her soothing political voice, “Thank you for joining us tonight, viewers. This special edition of Rarity Meets will be hosted by me, your devoted Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle. Tonight, I’ll be interviewing one of the most controversial figures to appear in Equestria since the famed reformation of Discord.” She turns to me, keeping her princess-face on strong as she turns her attention to finally look me straight in the eyes. Her smile stays perfectly, excessively still. “Please introduce yourself, sir.”
I clear my throat and look straight back at her as I was directed earlier instead of at the cameras. “My name is Caleb Tobin. I’m a human from Earth, and I was brought here by Discord’s magic to be his pet.”
The room goes silent. I don’t want to dance around the subject right now. Everyone knows the reason that we’re having this interview. Some want to put Discord back into stone-encasement for bringing a human into Equestria without consulting anyone. This coming so shortly after his recent betrayal of– well, everyone actually.
The princess turns away from the cards and cues. I guess she wants to get straight to the point as well. She hasn’t been very fond of Discord historically. “Alright then, Caleb. Can you tell us why Discord brought you to Equestria?”
I nod. It’s time to tell everyone, so I may as well jump into it. “Discord, my loving master,” I say, forgetting for a moment to keep the sarcasm low, “was given the assignment by Fluttershy to take on a pet. She determined this was the next step in turning him into a true friend, and she told him to choose whatever animal he wanted for a friend. I assume that immediately after that, he appeared in my world, talked to me for a little, and brought me here after I agreed.”
The princess nods, giving the audience a moment to consider that thought, I assume. She seems to be playing her role very well; very professionally. “Now when Discord appeared to you, what did he say? Did you feel pressured to come with him?”
I shake my head. “I felt completely as if it was up to me, but it was quite clear that he was set on taking a human as a pet. He certainly didn’t threaten me or anything like that, but it was obvious that he would continue asking humans until he found someone who said yes.”
“You mentioned family. Did you leave behind anyone you loved?”
I shake my head again. I try not to let my voice fall low. I try not to think about what I’m saying at all. “No. I was a foster-child actually.”
“What do you mean ‘foster-child?’”
“My family, parents and one brother, died when I was young. I’ve spent the last 6 years in a foster program, waiting to turn 18. No one else was close to me. That’s why it was easy for me to leave, and I think it might be why Discord chose to ask me.”
“I’m terribly sorry to hear that, Caleb.” She pauses, letting the emotion fade away. Just when I feel ready to answer more questions, she says, “You think Discord chose you? What makes you say that?”
“There are 7 billion humans on my planet. I don’t really believe in 7 billion to 1 odds, so I think he narrowed it down somehow.”
“How do you think that process went?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he was watching a few people. I don’t know, Princess.”
“You can call me Twilight,” she says, smiling politely. It’s her first effort toward me tonight, so I guess she must be feeling more comfortable with this.
I nod.
Her smile fades just slightly, but she talks to avoid showing emotion, I think. “Can you tell us about your home?”
I break eye-contact a little. I remember they told me not to do that, so I bring it back. “I don’t know what part of Earth you went to, Princess, but I was never there. From what I’ve heard, you found a suburban paradise.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, I’m not from a good place. Where I lived, people didn’t have much, you know?” I start with that. She seems to want me to keep going. “Uh, well, I mean I grew up in a very poor part of town. In the streets, people were always fighting. Nobody had real friends, I don’t think. There were just gangs.”
“Tell me more, “ she says. “Why did people fight? Why didn’t they have friends? How did you deal with all of this?”
I look away again. Rarity points at the princess, silently mouthing, “Look at her! Not me!”
I sigh. I look back at the princess. “It all comes down to what someone has and what someone else wants, I think. Nobody ever got things, at least not legally, you know? So, uh, if a guy had something valuable, he’d try to sell it illegally or use it illegally. And if somebody else found out, they’d try to take it from him so they could sell it or use it. That was the only way to make it through the day there, you know? People would just take things. And if it wasn’t easy, if somebody said no, then they would fight.” I pause for a second. “And one of them might kill the other.”
“Kill?” she repeats. She seems completely shocked, confirming that she’s never seen anything like that. She’s never had to deal with the stuff I went through every day. “Why would someone kill over just,” she hesitates, “just a thing?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, man.” Someone shoots me a look. Oh, right. “I mean princess. Sorry.”
“It’s alright, Caleb,” she says, reassuring me. “Tell me what you think of that place. What made it that way?”
I try to nod. It’s hard for me to think and make eye-contact at the same time. I look away while I talk. “You know, I guess it’s cause not having anything makes people afraid. They’re afraid people that have things will hurt them. When they’re afraid, they don’t trust anyone. Everybody says, ‘the only person you can trust is yourself,’ and everyone agrees with that, right? So cause people don’t trust, they keep everything to themselves. They’re always lying about what they have to make sure nobody ever takes anything, and all. So nobody ever has anyone to be honest to cause no one trusts them, you know? So when somebody acts nice down there, people get all afraid that the guy’s trying to make a move on ‘em. Like the nice guy is just trying to get your guard down or something, and then they’re gonna scam you or steal from you or just kill you when they get the chance. Cause it happens, man, uh princess. Sorry again.”
“It’s alri–”
“So who do you laugh with if you have no friends, huh?” the pink idiot shouts as she jumps in front of me before a blue pony with a rainbow-colored tail tackles her and drags her out of view. “Tell me!” she yells while holding her ground.
I shrug and look at her while I answer. “There’s nothing to laugh at. If you’re not happy, why would you laugh? If nobody’s happy, then they’re only gonna make jokes about other people. And that’s fine till that person’s you. Then you gotta defend yourself and fight that guy or you’ll always be the joke, and they’ll always disrespect you. If you’re always disrespected, you’ll always stay beneath everyone. You can’t go anywhere if you’re beneath anyone, and we all just wanna get out.”
“That’s stup–” she tries to say, but the door closes on her. Big words from you, Lollipop, calling anything stupid.
“Sorry about that,” the princess says. “Pinkie Pie is very curious. Once her mind’s set on something, it’s hard to stop her. Luckily, Rainbow Dash cleared that up quicker than anyone else could have.”
Two more names. Hooray. I actively stop my eyes from rolling.
“So maybe something to calm us down a little?” the princess suggests. “What do you think of Equestria so far? Have you seen more than Ponyville?”
I shake my head. “I’ve only been here for a day. Discord kind of just brought me here and dropped me off in the middle of the town so he could go grocery shopping, I think. He put on some weird clothes, got into a car, and then just vanished while the car floated away somewhere.”
“Well, I know we’re talking about the same Discord now,” she says, laughing. I laugh a little. She keeps smiling and looking me in the eye, so I turn away until I can get rid of my smile.
“So I walked around the town,” I say. “Everyone hid, but I didn’t really pay any attention to them. I thought Discord told me everything about how different this place was, so I wasn’t really surprised by anything until I started to notice that it was just like a small town. From Earth I mean. Ponyville seemed like a small town from Earth that I’d see in a movie or something. With the apple farm, and the animal shelter, and the cake shop, and the kids playing everywhere. I mean it all looked normal except for when they saw me and freaked out. That and this giant castle thing in the middle of the town.”
She laughs a little at that. “I guess the palace does look a little out of place, doesn’t it?”
I half-smile, mostly out of obligation. She looks away at the cues, looking for her next question, I guess. She’s finally figuring out that I don’t want to be here, I think. I don’t like her high-and-mighty attitude, and I don’t like anyone else’s worshipping attitude toward her either.
“So one thing we haven’t talked about is what you think of Discord,” she says. “I’m sure you’re aware that Discord’s behavior is one of the main reasons we’re having this interview. How do you like him?”
“Well, I don’t trust him,” I say, and the ponies off camera look at each other, nodding, “but he told me not to trust him. In a way, that made it okay. I heard what he had to say to me, and it was hard to tell when he was lying, but it seemed like he genuinely wanted me to choose for myself if I wanted to come. So I don’t think he would have lied to me about Equestria. I mean, he pitched his side like a politician would. He made points that I agreed with. I hated my life on Earth. I could have a fresh start in a place where people don’t suffer or worry about being shot or where their next meal will come from. He didn’t say it was perfect. He even said that he was far from perfect, but that I should give it all a chance.”
“From what I understand, It sounds like he’s being a very good friend to you.”
I shrug. “Yeah,” I start to say, but I can’t think of anything else. I just leave it at that while the princess waits for me to continue.
“Thank you, Caleb,” she says, giving her most genuine smile yet. She turns to the camera. I guess the smile is so genuine because she’s glad to be finished. “Thank you to all of our viewers for tuning in this evening for this special edition of Rarity Meets. Remember to wake up bright and early tomorrow for Rainbow’s Sports Breakdown Dash as your favorite element of loyalty Rainbow Dash gives you all the highlights of this week’s athletic excitement across Equestria at 6 AM. That’s all we have for tonight. So let the rainbow remind you that together we will always shine!”
“Cut!” Rarity calls and runs on set to give the princess a hug, which looks weird since they have no arms, so she’s kind of just jumping on her and wrapping her legs around the princess’s neck. “That was wonderful Twilight! You truly were a star! But we’ll have to shorten that motto if we want anyone to remember it.” She smiles at me and says, “Well done, my dear. I couldn’t have asked any better from you!”
It almost feels like there’s an insult hidden in there, but I guess I just don’t know her very well.
The princess smiles at Rarity and starts to stand. She looks at me and gestures with her head for me to follow. “Can we talk a little more, Caleb?” she asks.
I nod and stand up. It’s weird being almost twice as tall as anyone here. I forgot when I was sitting down how big I am compared to them. The only one I’ve met so far that’s taller than me is Discord, but I think the sun princess is taller than me too. That’s what one pony told me at least.
“Is something wrong?” she asks me. I didn’t notice, but we were already outside.
“What?” I ask.
“I’ve been talking to you this whole time,” she says. “Have you listened to me at all?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well what–” she stops. I think I know what she was about to ask. What did I hear? Nothing. She already knows it. She knows I wasn’t paying attention, and it’s not worth calling me on it. So now what does she want? “Caleb, just tell me what I can do to make you feel like you belong here. I know this isn’t your home, but from what you’ve told me, you didn’t have a home before. So what’s wrong?”
I sigh. “I don’t know. This place just feels,” I say, pausing to think of a better word, but there isn’t one. I have to say it. “Fake.”
“Why is that?”
We’re walking down the dirt road outside the castle. I think she just wants to show me the town herself. We walk past several houses, but no one is surprised to see me now. Actually, they wave and say hi at the princess and me. They’re all so joyful. As long as the pink one doesn’t show up, I’ll–
“Oh my gosh, Twilight! That was like the best thing ever! You’re totally the best interviewer person ever, you should totally interview me and then we could talk all about cake oh my gosh I love cake and then you can bring Rarity on and start a tea party won’t that just be so much fun?! Then we can–”
Freaking beetlejuice. I swear. If she didn’t talk or exist, she’d be half as annoying. But even if she died, I’m pretty sure the damn memory of her stupid voice would haunt me till the day I died.
She’s still talking, but I can tune anyone out, so this– and then when he answered my– damn it! If I think about her, she’ll– I couldn’t believe you let him answer me even though he’s so different– shit! leave me alone you cotton candy creep! I just want to– like he’s still really cool, and I know we’ll be best friends cause I’m best friends with everyone!
I sigh. I need to calm down, or I’ll never get her out. Alright, I don’t like her, but I guess I should be glad there’s no one else like her. If I ever find out she has sisters though, I’ll take the next flight to North Korea and piss off the government.
“Okay, bye!” she shouts and bounces away.
“Thank God,” I say. Oh. I meant to say that silently. She’s probably too dumb to get it anyways if she heard me. The princess heard me though. I can tell by her raised eyebrow.
She shakes her head. “You haven’t answered yet. What’s bothering you so much? Why is Ponyville fake?”
She stops. I sit on a rock and look around us. We’re outside the town now, and the only thing on either side of the dirt road is miles of grass and a few lonely trees. Nobody– nopony– is out here with us. She’s still waiting for me to say something.
“It’s just not like what I grew up with,” I finally say. She nods as if she expected me to say that. “Everyone’s nice, but it’s hard for me to trust them. I’m sure I’ll get past it.”
“Is that all?” she asks. But she isn’t just checking. She doesn’t believe me.
I look at her. I thought I gave her the answer she wanted. It wasn’t enough.
I look at the grass at my feet. “I don’t like how much you waste magic here. Like, you use it for the most useless things. Holding clipboards. Cleaning rooms. Even for eating. It doesn’t make sense.”
“That’s just what unicorns do. We have magic, so why shouldn’t we use–”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, and it’s cool that you have magic for anything you want, but I think it’s stupid that you have all that and no one else does.”
She walks closer and puts her hoof on my knee. I tense up, but she’s really gentle. It gives me goosebumps, but it’s weirdly calming. It makes me wonder if she’s using a spell on me.
“I know you grew up in a hard place, Caleb,” she says with a voice so kind and smooth that it’s almost seductive. But that’s completely the wrong word. I don’t know what it’s like. “Ponyville– Equestria– is different. You don’t have to worry about food or violence here. Sure we have our problems, but that’s only when someone’s trying to take over the world or something, and it’s not like that’s every day. Most of the time, we’re just happy to be where we are. We’re just happy to be alive.”
I look back at the grass even though she’s so close, but she doesn’t move away. She stays with me.
“You don’t have to be sad, Caleb,” she says. “We all try to be happy. I’m not asking you to change who you are. That’s really hard, and I know it’s gonna take a lot for you to trust us and be friends with us, but I know that everyone here is willing to work to make that happen.”
The goosebumps crawl all over me like insects, and I can’t take it. I stand up and nearly hit her. I finally get a little distance. It feels better. She doesn’t look offended. She just smiles kindly.
“It’ll take time.”
“Thanks, Princess.”
“Please, call me Twilight.”
I pause for a second. “Thanks,” I start. I decide to say it. “Thanks, Twilight.”
I don’t look at her when I say it, but I can tell it made her happy.
“C’mon, let’s go back,” she says after a moment. “You need to meet everyone before Discord comes back for you!”
“Why was everyone so pissed that Discord brought me here?” I just blurted it out. I couldn’t take it anymore. It feels better now that I said it, I think.
“We were just upset because we thought he took you against your will. When we heard ‘pet,’ it sounded like slave to us. We had to make sure that wasn’t the case.”
I look down at the dirt. Even the rocks seem pretty and happy. It’s just not real.
She walks past me and says, “Let’s go. The sun’s going down.”
I watch her walking away. I almost turn around and walk the other way, but I wouldn’t know where to go. I can’t just leave if I don’t have a plan. Actually, I guess that’s how I got here in the first place. I just went for it.
I stop thinking about it and follow her.