//------------------------------//
// Pranks and Hi-Jinks 
// Story: King Of Queens 
// by ChroniclerOfFantasies 
//------------------------------//

	“This day was going to be perfect… the kind of day of which I’ve dreamed since I was small…” I sat and listened as Cadence sang. It had been about a month since I had become her consort, and we had become good friends during that time. We discovered quickly that we shared many interests, from types of food and entertainment, to basic morals and philosophies. Of course, I had to rediscover a lot of that but that mattered little in her eyes.
With all the good things though, we learned there were just as many bad. Such as Cadences obsession, and I do mean OBSESSION, with bonbons. I had heard tales from the palace staff that Celestia ate a whole cake each day. At first I just chocked it up to nothing but silly rumors, but after watching the first shipment of bonbons come into the palace for what had apparently been the first time in months due to some sort of order mix up, I found that rumor gaining more than a little bit of credibility. If Celestia ate cake like Cadence at bonbons, then I wouldn’t be surprised if she ate SEVERAL cakes a day.
She wasn’t the only one who had a vice though. About a week into living in the palace a bug had gotten into my room and I discovered pretty fast that I was afraid, not of the bug, but of the buzzing sound its wings made. Don’t ask me why, I don’t understand it myself, but that buzzing sent a shiver down my spine and before I knew what had happened I was running down the hallways screaming like a little filly and all but crying my eyes out. Cadence found me a little while later cowering under the sink in the palace kitchens.
She has since made a spell to replicate that specific sound whenever she desires.
In return I’ve started using her name to swear.
How we haven’t killed each other yet is a mystery to me. 
We had decided to tell everyone the next day at the benefactor. While it had yet to be official on paper, we believed it would be best to tell the public as quickly as possible before rumors started flying around about a ‘mysterious stallion’ living in the palace. Of course making me a consort rather than an advisor also gave the media some fuel to fan whatever flames they wanted, particularly those of a more… intimate nature.
Cadence however wouldn’t have it any other way. She didn’t need another advisor, she had plenty of those, all of whom had to, by law, be accepted by the majority of the nobility. What she needed was a friend. Somepony to listen to her troubles regardless of what they may be. Somepony she could just relax around. Somepony willing to tell her to shut the buck up and go eat a bowl of bonbons before she had a nervous breakdown. Somepony who was equally as willing to play as many pranks on Willow as possible.
All of which would inevitably fail and/or blow up in our faces. 
Sometimes literally.
And so here I was, sitting in Cadences room listening to a song she and her late husband had written based off the events of their wedding. They had called it “This Day Aria”. It was a duet that while sung best by two females could have the words switched around to be sung by just about anyone. One pony would sing the part of Queen Chrysalis, and the other sang the part of Cadence. Shining and Cadence had made it a point to sing this song once a year every year on their anniversary. This would be the first year she had without him there but she still wanted to keep up the tradition. So, she asked me to fill in instead.
And my god was it beautiful.
I discovered that my voice was a smooth high tenor that could sink into a low baritone. My range was ridiculous and we were both pleased and surprised by that fact. Our voices mixed together as we sang the song several times over. Having discovered my new ability I gave it everything I had. I had to do the best that I could. Cadence was in pain, and I was her friend. I needed to do my best to alleviate the pain as much as I was able. After all, that’s what friends do.
As the final verse of the last song came to an end we smiled. Hers was a sad teary eyed smile, but a smile nonetheless. That thought caused my heart to swell, if only a little. Cadence was, to be completely honest, all that I really had. None of my memories had returned since I woke up and I hadn’t even had anymore of those strange dreams since I first arrived. Needless to say I was… a bit perturbed by that. But I kept my disdain for my own situation hidden. Cadence had enough on her plate without worrying about me.
“That… that was beautiful. ” She said as she wiped tears from her eyes.
“Yeah. I had no idea I could sing like that.” I rubbed the back of my head and looked away.
“I’m surprised that you don’t have a cutie mark. You seem to be so talented in so many different areas it’s almost unreal. You can sing, write amazing poetry, play the violin with your hooves, proficiently dance in multiple styles, brew high quality potions, are an expert on magical theory and a former master in practical magic (she winced a bit when she said that), and to top it all off you have a mind that would put some of Equestria’s greatest to shame.”
“And yet a bug can make me cry in a corner…” I said looking to the ground dejectedly. She was right, we had discovered I was pretty good a large quantity of things, but honestly I didn’t find it all that impressive. Anypony can be good at anything with enough practice. Having all of these abilities but no cutie mark probably just meant I had spent a lot of time in my life soul searching only to end up getting nowhere and picking up a few tricks along the way, and I said as much to her.
“Really Rade? You can do all of this cool stuff yet the only thing you can see is your failure to get a cutie mark?”
“Being a little blunt there don’t you think Candy?” She blinked a few times before splaying her ears back and frowning.
“I didn’t mean it like that Rade.”
“I know, I know. It’s just… adults without cutie marks are rare. And the few that exist are normally…”
“Lazy incompetent jerks who tend to go out of their way to make everypony else’s life miserable?”
“Well I wouldn’t say that…” 
Cadence giggled. “That’s MY line!” We both laughed like idiots for a moment. Ever since we met we’d gotten into the habit of me completing her sentences in a really blunt and straightforward way like I had on the first day. It’s been a guilty pleasure ever since.
“Seriously though Rade you have nothing to worry about. You’ve been nothing short of a true gentle colt since you arrived here.”
“I’LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!”
Cadence and I whipped our heads around to the large double doors that lead into her room. I recognized the mare standing in the doorway almost immediately. After all, there were only four ponies in the world with wings and a horn, and only one of them was lavender.
By the way, did I mention that she looked PIIIIIIIIIIIIISSED.
“Twilight?!” Cadence exclaimed. “Well this is a surprise! A pleasant one but still! What are you doing here?” Twilight marched up to us, her hooves stomping on the ground so hard I was shocked she wasn’t leaving cracks in the floor, her head held low with eyes filled with murder, and her wings flaring out to both sides threateningly. Cadence just smiled.
She was completely oblivious.
“What am I doing here?!” Whoa. I’ve never seen Cadence get angry, but if all of the alicorns are like this when their mad, I REALLY didn’t want to. Twilights mane was frazzled with strands standing out in all sorts of different places. She looked more like an asylum escapee than the newest princess. I felt bad for Cadence. It would be horrible if I was on the receiving end of that mares rage. “THAT’S WHAT I’M DOING HERE!” she screamed, pointing her hoof at me… wait! At me?! What’d I do?!
“Hey!” I said. “I’ll have you know I’ve been a very good little pony! I even met Santa personally on Hearths Warming Eve!” I said with a sagely nod. This got a snicker and blush from Cadence and a glare from OH MY CADENCE THAT LAVENDER DEMON IS STARING INTO MY SOUL MAKE IT STOP!
“I. Wasn’t. Talking. To. You.” Twilight said. I just cowered in fear and nodded my head as I began muttering ancient demon warding chants incoherently.
“Um, Twilight, I’m sensing a little animosity from you?” A little? A LITTLE?! REALLY CADENCE?! This pony is trying to incinerate me into ashes with her eyes and you’re sensing a LITTLE animosity?! Thank your giant flank you’re the princess of love and not the princess of I don’t know, war or something. Equestria would be taken over in less than a day because you’d be unsure if the enemy burning down your kingdom is actually an enemy or just really REALLY bad at fighting fires!
Okay, maybe that’s a little bit much, but I’m REALLY freaking out right now! And I’m not exactly a nice guy when I go into panic mode. At least not in my head anyways.
“Yes well I’m not exactly happy at the moment…” she seethed. Gee, I couldn’t have guessed.
“Well why not?” That right there Cadence, is the million bit question.
“Because of THIS!” she shouted. Suddenly a newspaper appeared in mid air and she levitated it to the table that sat between Cadence and I, all the while glaring at me. I began to shrink in my seat hoping to become very, VERY small.
“It’s just a newspaper, Twilight.”
“Look at the front page Cadence!”
Cadence scanned the page while I prayed to Akatosh to save me from Oblivion. “Twilight it’s just an interview with Fancy Pants asking me questions about my consort.”
“EXACTLY!” Twilight shouted waving her fore hooves in the air. I shrank a little further and started praying to the other eight divines as well.
“I… don’t understand.”
“Why Cadence?! Why do you have a consort?!”
“Um… because I want one?” she said with an annoyed look. Ooh! This was a nice treat. Twilight just brought out what I like to call the REAL Cadence. So far as I could tell there were three very different sides to Cadence. The serious princess that almost everypony knew. The playful little filly that those close to her got to know. And finally this bit-
“Because you want one?! You have ADVISORS!” Yeesh princess, chill out. You’re less five feet away we can hear you just fine. No need to turn on the caps lock. Cadence just looked nonplussed.
“Twilight I can’t talk about the embarrassing pictures I have of my aunts with my advisors.”
“You have embarrassing pictures of the princesses?” I asked. Embarrassing photos of two all powerful deities is apparently enough to make me forget about the anger of the slightly-less-powerful-but-still-perfectly-capable-of-incinerating-me-into-ashes deity standing next to me.
“Oh yes and some of my old friends as well!”
“Weren’t you friends with the captain of the wonder bolts when you were a kid?”
“Spitfire? Yes I was. Oh! That reminds me! I have a photo of her on her eighth birthday dancing around in a frilly dress wearing these really gaudy red glasses. Back then she was absolutely POSTITIVE she was going to grow up to be a fashionista!”
“You’re joking!” I said, my jaw nearly hitting the ground.
“Nope! Come on I’ll show you!” I got ready to get up and leave my seat when-
“I’M STILL TALKING!” Annnnnnd… back to cowering in fear.
“Twilight…” Cadence said. “I still don’t understand what the problem is. I have a consort. What’s wrong with that?”
Twilight was steaming mad. Literally. Wisps of water vapor were beginning to come off her skin and her eye was beginning to develop a very severe twitch. Fear was beginning to consume my every being and I didn’t like that one bit.
Of course… idiocy knows no fear, so my next course of action makes total sense in that regard.
“It’s alright Candy…” I said. My tone low and dejected as I looked away in false shame. I’ve come to learn that when I’ve been in too tense of a social situation long enough, and it’s always social, if it’s a fight or something to do with politicians I’m fine but otherwise I tend to say stupid ridiculous things that no one believes in order to ease the tension, even when it’s really inappropriate. “I fully understand why she’s here…”
Cadence looked at me with worry while Twilight got a devilish grin, like she’d just won the lottery. “Rade?” she called reaching out to me with a hoof. I raised my own to stop her as I waited a few moments to respond.
“Don’t Candy. I… I should have told you this sooner…” Cadence looked really worried, bordering on scared. Twilight on the other hand, continued to make the loony pin look like a very relaxing vacation spot.
“Candy I’m…”
“Yes?”
“I’m…”
“Yes?”
“I’M…”
“OH JUST SPIT IT OUT SO I CAN RUN YOU OUT OF THIS PALACE ALREADY!” Twilight shouted.
“I'M A SPACE ALIEN FROM A PLANET CALLED EARTH THAT'S INHABITED BY A RACE CALLED HUMANS!”
All I registered after that was a bright flash of lavender and then black.


***


“I knew you’d eventually come around and accept my second date.”
“Buck you Willow.” I woke up later in the infirmary and I have to say… OW DOES NOT SUFFICE IN THIS SITUATION! Also flowers should be allowed to dance freely and without persecution… but I’m pretty sure that’s the pain killers talking not me.
“Hey we aren’t that far in the relationship yet. At least wait a couple more dates. Also there are simpler ways to ask a girl out than death defying stunts you know?” Yeah. Apparently Twilight wasn’t too happy with what I said and shot me with a nice high powered bolt of magic. I got knocked out immediately from the spell but that’s not all. Evidently she packed so much magic into the spell she sent me flying out the window and over the balcony where I plummeted from the top of the crystal palace to the ground below. I was very lucky that Willow just happened to be cleaning out old mattresses from the infirmary, which when combined with an incomplete spell designed to keep ponies that accidentally fell off the balconies from dying, was just enough to cushion my fall and save my life.
It didn’t stop me from breaking nearly every bone in my body though.
And so here I lay a few hours later in a full body cast. Luckily I won’t be here for long. Being Cadences consort grants me special privileges, like access to some REALLY powerful healing potions. They make me feel like my whole body is on fire and while it isn’t close to having my horn broken, it’s still more than enough I wouldn’t wish it on anypony else. Luckily though I’d be healed in a few days so that’s good.
“Buck. You. Willow.”
“Wow you really want a piece of my flank don’t ya? Tell ya what, you’re more than welcome to look, but don’t touch.” She started to turn around.
“Willow I swear on Candy’s crown if you raise your tail I will pummel you into the ground.”
“Ooh! Good! I like my stallions rough!”
“… I need an adult.”
“I AM an adult.” She said with a sly grin.
“Willow leave Rade alone please.” The doors to the infirmary opened up and I looked over to see Cadence walking in. The light streaming in cast a dull orange glow across the room signaling that several hours had passed since my fall, and those hours looked like they’d taken a serious toll on Cadence. Her mane and tail were disheveled, mascara was running down her face in tear stains, and her wings were sagging across the ground. If I hadn’t known better, I’d have assumed she’d gotten back from saving the world.
Then again, calming down an angry alicorn may just fall under that category.
Cadence walked over to me slowly, sitting down next to me and allowing her head to rest on my bed. Not that I minded. Like I said, we’d become close friends over the past month. “Um… I’d ask if you were okay Candy, but it’s pretty obvious you’re not. Still, wanna talk about it?”
“Ugh… I had a long LONG talk with Twilight and I still don’t understand why she’s upset. All I know is that she’s pissed about you being my consort and I have no idea why. Each time I asked her to elaborate she’s just get more upset and yell at me for being to blind to see what the issue was. The best I could get out of her is that she doesn’t think I’m safe around you or… something. There’s more to it than that but she can’t seem to find the words.”
“Did she look through the telescope?” I asked. Cadence gave me a confused look as Willow cleared her throat.
“He’s still coming off the painkillers we gave him earlier.”
“Ah okay.”
“Anyways,” I said. “So what now? How did you convince her to go home?” Cadence grimaced at that.
“I didn’t…”
“What?”
“I didn’t. Twilight refuses to leave until she’s absolutely sure that you’re not a threat.”
“… Imma gonna die.” I said, letting my head flop back onto my pillow.
“Oh don’t be so dramatic. Look, all we have to do is behave and I’m sure she’ll see how great a friend you are and how happy you’re making me and eventually go home. No big deal right?” Willow turned her head towards her with the most incredulous looks she could muster.
“You two?! Behave?! Bwahahahahahaha!” The only way you can do that is if we strap you down and keep you from being in the same room together! You kids get into all sorts of trouble everyday!”
Cadence and I looked at her offended. “We do not!” we said.
Now it was Willows turn to speak. “You blew up the royal kitchen.”
“We did not ‘blow it up’!  And we were trying to find out if Rade could cook!” Cadence said.
“And I can’t! It was a successful experiment!”
“Half the kitchen caught on fire!”
“Ah!” I said putting my hoof in the air with a smile on my face. “But not the WHOLE kitchen!” Willow face hoofed.
“How about putting itching powder in the desk of every noble during the last legislative meeting?!”
“That situation was thoroughly investigated and the culprit was never found!”
“Yeah, Candy and I were pronounced innocent!”
“You paid off the guards!” We gasped.
“We did not!”
“I SAW YOU!”
“BLASPHEMY!” We shouted.
“What about the day you destroyed a candy factory?!” Cadence snorted.
“It wasn’t a REAL candy factory. They didn’t even make bonbons!”
“And I told you it was that chubby unicorn guy who clogged up the chocolate fountain, not me!”
“The two of you were supposed to be at a wedding!”
“Pfft, probably wasn’t anypony important.” Cadence replied.
“It was the firstborn son’s of the oldest noble house in the Crystal Empire!”
“Like she said, nopony important.” Cadence and I shared an epic hoof bump.
“You tainted the city’s water supply with CONCENTRATED POISON JOKE!”
“It was an honest accident!” Cadence cried.
“Yeah! It wasn’t our fault somepony didn’t put a warning label on the palace sinks!”
“You caused so much mass hysteria that DISCORD HIMSELF JOINED IN ON THE FUN!”
“I do miss those cotton candy clouds of his…” Cadence said whimsically.
“Only because he made you a personal one that rained bonbons.” I giggled.
Willow was rubbing her temples at this point, her brow creased in frustration. Cadence and I couldn’t help but giggle wildly. Okay, so MAYBE we enjoy our pranks a little too much. It’s alright though because Discord fixed everything and gave us stern talking to about not creating that amount of chaos on such a huge scale.
Without him at least.
The nobles also felt fit to pass legislation to keep us from pulling anymore stunts. Except on Willow. The law can go screw itself when it comes to Willow. We WILL get her. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. BUT ONE DAY.
“Alright,” I said once we’d managed to calm down. “So all Cadence and I have to do is not destroy everything for a few days. That sounds easy since I’m in a hospital bed and can’t move due to this full body cast. No problems!”
“Yeah Willow, we’ll be on our best behavior. What could possibly go wrong?” Cadence said with a smile. Willow just shook her head, her face filled with a look of dread as she folded her hooves together, sending a silent prayer to whomever would listen.