//------------------------------// // Cheeseit, boys, it's the cops! // Story: Flash and Trend Steal All Your Waffles // by scoots2 //------------------------------// “Ponyville?” Trenderhoof exclaimed in a panic, as the train sped on its way. “You didn’t say anything about Ponyville!” He had snapped out of his stupor or whatever it was some miles outside of Canterlot. Unfortunately for him, it was an express train, and there were no other stops. “I can’t steal waffles in Canterlot or the Crystal Empire,” explained Flash, as Trenderhoof struggled to get his breathing under control. “Not when I’m on duty. Somepony would recognize me. And I know the perfect place in Ponyville.” “You’re omitting something critical,” said Trenderhoof, sliding his glasses down his muzzle and peering out over them. “Just how are you going to become the greatest waffle stealer of all time if you don’t want your name associated with it?” “Um,” said Flash, “I really hadn’t thought about that bit. You could call me the Mysterious Waffle Stealer, couldn’t you? Everypony would still read about it, but I’d know it was me. I’d know I’d done something with my life.” The streets of Ponyville were deserted and quiet, but then Flash saw a long shadow cast by the moon, and heard the clip clop of hooves. A lanky figure crossed the street: a pony with a dark hat and with a peculiar bulge seated on some sort of saddle. Flash barked, “Halt! Who goes there?” The pony froze, and then came ambling forward. Flash saw that it was a tall yellowish brown stallion with what appeared to be a rubber chicken. “Me goes here,” he said. “Cheese Sandwich.” “What are you doing out in the middle of the night?” Cheese hesitated. “I was thinking about stopping in to see a friend,” he said slowly, “but it’s later than I thought it was. I was going to come back in the morning. Hey,” he added, “who goes there, come to think of it? What are you doing out in the middle of the night?” Flash glanced back at Trenderhoof. “He knows too much,” he hissed. “He’ll have to join the party.” “A party?” said Cheese, his ears perking up. “Did you say a party? What kind of party?” “We’re stealing waffles.” “A waffle stealing party? I’ve never even heard of a waffle stealing party! HEY, EVERYPONY! WE’RE HAVING A WAFFLE STEALING PA—” Flash shoved a hoof into his mouth. “SHHH! It’s a secret party!” Cheese raised his eyebrows. “Do you understand ‘secret?’ As in, ‘don’t let anypony know?’” Cheese nodded. “If I take my hoof out of your mouth, will you promise to keep your voice down?” Cheese nodded again, and Flash took his hoof out of his mouth. Cheese glanced past Flash at the pony just behind him. His jaw dropped. “Is that Trenderhoof? Really? Well, it’s a good thing you brought me along. Trenderhoof has no idea how to throw a party at all.” “This isn’t that kind of party,” began Flash, and then decided against explaining. “Oh, never mind.” “Are you a Guard?” said Cheese. He was trotting briskly alongside now, despite Flash’s attempts to get him to move more inconspicuously. “You don’t look like one of Princess Celestia’s or Princess Luna’s Royal Guards. Are you from the Crystal Empire? I was just there last week, throwing a barracks party for the Royal Guards. How come I didn’t see you there?” Flash stopped dead as the implications sunk in. “I never received an invitation,” he said coldly. “Wow,” said Cheese, and whistled. “You didn’t even get an invitation? That’s pretty bad. If P . . . ponies didn’t invite me to a party, I’d begin to question my whole reason for existence.” They crouched in the bushes behind the Ponyville Café. All Flash’s commando training was coming back to him now. “See that door over there?” He pointed towards it. “When I say, “move,” you get over there, fast.” Cheese stood up and began to amble towards the door. “Get DOWN!” snapped Flash, and tackled him. “You don’t walk, you scramble, flat on the ground. Got it?” Cheese and Trenderhoof nodded. “Ready? MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!” They arrived at the door, panting and blowing. “Hmm,” said Flash. “We’ll need to get in through the window, maybe. Or maybe I can pick the lock with a twig.” Cheese nosed at the door. “It’s unlocked.” “Oh.” They slipped through the door, and stood in the kitchen. It wasn’t clear what they were supposed to do next. What was absolutely clear was— “Where are the waffles? I don’t see any waffles.” “Of course not,” sniffed Trenderhoof. “No café would make waffles and let them sit out overnight. They’d be terrible. I wouldn’t be surprised, however, if there was a container of waffle batter in the refrigerator. It makes the waffles light and fluffy.” They found the refrigerator and Flash pulled the door open. There, sure enough, was a large container of waffle batter, almost the size of a young vat. “Et voilà,” said Trenderhoof. “I’m afraid if you want to steal waffles, Flash, you’ll have to make them yourself.” Trenderhoof and Flash both turned and looked expectantly at Cheese. “What?” said Cheese, and looked behind him. “Make waffles.” “Why me? I can’t cook.” “I thought all earth ponies knew how to cook.” “That’s a stereotype,” said Cheese, and blew his rollout noisemaker with a “pffflt.” “The Cakes don’t let me touch anything in their kitchen. Mr. Cake said he’d never seen anything like it,” he added, proudly. “I don’t need to cook, anyway. I can just pull party food out of my—” “Yes, yes, all right!” “Honestly,” said Trenderhoof. “Such a fuss. I’ll do it.” He carefully levitated a spoon down to the batter and tasted it. “Hmm,” he said. “Very nice, but just a touch on the sweet side. I would have added—” “All right. Just make them,” sighed Flash. “Just get that vat out and place it over there, will you? There must be a waffle iron around here somewhere. Aha!” Trenderhoof exclaimed, and lifted a large waffle iron from the wall behind the stove. He lit the burners. “Hey, everypony,” said Cheese, “look!” Flash turned to see Cheese Sandwich balancing on a wheel of Gouda and juggling a dozen eggs. “Put those down!” Cheese missed the next egg, and they all fell to the stone floor, one by one, with a splat. “You shouldn’t have startled me,” he complained. “Fine. I’ll clean it up.” He turned and bumped into a table, knocking over a jug full of cream. Flash just managed to grab it before it hit the floor. Some of it splashed over his hooves and formed a puddle, but at least it hadn’t smashed. “Just. Don’t. Touch. Anything,” Flash said, teeth gritted. “You sounded just like Mr. Cake when you said that.” “Shut up. Just go stand in the corner and don’t touch anything.” “How’s this?” said Cheese, standing next to a sack of potatoes. How much harm could he do with a sack of potatoes? thought Flash. “That’s great,” he added aloud. “Just remember—don’t touch ANYTHING.” “The iron’s nearly hot enough,” said Trenderhoof. “Go get some plates. I’ll need something to stack these on. Had you given any thought as to how we’re going to take all these waffles out of here?” He hadn’t, actually. “There’s got to be a bag or something somewhere. How many of them will there be?” “I’d say at least several dozen. And if you want to get out of here before the owners arrive, you should find me those plates and that bag and be quiet so I can focus. Lemon zest,” he muttered. “These will be much nicer with lemon zest. It’s too bad I wasn’t able to put it in last night.” He levitated a lemon from out of a bowl on the table and set a peeler working. Cheese called from his corner, “Well, this was fun, but now I’m bored.” “Just keep standing there,” said Flash, trying to find a bag and some plates. “Is there any salt?” “I don’t know. Probably in the cabinet back there.” “Ok.” Trenderhoof ladled some batter into the waffle iron. The kitchen was filled with the buttery smell of perfectly cooked waffles. Flash began to relax as he tidied the kitchen. All those times cleaning the barracks was paying off. You’d really be able to eat off that floor when he was done with it. “I think I’ve got some wire around here somewhere,” Cheese muttered. The first waffle slid off the iron and onto its plate. Maybe he could eat that first one, Flash thought. After all, Trend said there would be dozens and dozens. “Oops.” Flash became aware of some jets of flame coming from the corner. He turned to see that the entire bag of potatoes was now on fire, and that Cheese was making the whole situation worse by fanning the flames with his serape. “Little problem over here!” “You didn’t even have one job!” screamed Flash. “All you had to do was stand there!” Cheese was galloping around in circles, his mane and tail sizzling. Flash lunged for a towel to drop over Cheese, but instead seized Trenderhoof, who was trying to ladle more batter into the waffle iron. In the distance, but coming closer, sounded the “woooooo” of a fire engine. Three large earth ponies hurled themselves through the back door and aimed a fire hose straight at Cheese. The blast of water knocked Flash and Trenderhoof off their hooves, and Trenderhoof made a grab for the vat of waffle batter, pulling it on top of both of them. There was a great roar of sound: gushing water, breaking crockery, and a lot of shouting. Flash wiped his eyes clear. He and Trenderhoof were both completely covered in batter. Cheese had been splattered, and the edges of his mane and tail were blackened and crispy. The air was full of the smell of burned potato, spilled batter, and over it all, the horrible stench of singed mane. Two Royal Guards stepped from behind the fireponies. “You’re nicked, laddies,” said one. ~~ In retrospect, it had been one of the dumbest ideas he’d ever had. He’d wanted adventure, and what he’d gotten was trouble, and what was worse, he’d dragged two other ponies into trouble along with him. He had nopony to blame but himself, except maybe for the fortuneteller who’d given him the crazy idea in the first place. He heard a scrabbling noise in the far corner where Cheese was sitting. The scrabbling noise got closer, and then a tapping and grinding noise, as though somepony was getting some rock loose and then lifting it clear. Then one of the rock slabs rose and slid over and a beam of light slashed across his vision. When his eyes re-focused, he saw a small, plump, pink mare, a flashlight wound into her mane like a miner’s light, still hanging halfway in and halfway out of a hole in the floor. “Pinkie?” Cheese gasped. “Pinkie! Did – did you come to find me?” “Of course, silly Cheesie. Could you lift me out? My hoovsies are kinda hanging on nothing right now.” Cheese lifted her out of the hole and pulled her in for a tight hug that took her clear off the ground. Flash glanced away. There wasn’t anything obviously romantic about it, and certainly nothing indecent, but seeing it somehow made him feel bad all the same. Then he remembered where he’d seen that mare before. “You!” he exclaimed. “You’re the fortuneteller!” Cheese let Pinkie drop back to the ground, and she shook herself, dirt flying everywhere. “Yep!” she said. “I was so bored in the Crystal Empire that day, and it’s a nice way to meet more ponies and make friends.” “But you’re the one who predicted I’d steal waffles!” “Well, didn’t you?” she replied. “Ooooo,” she said, darting around the cell. “I haven’t been down here before. A really real dungeon! Do you have steel mugs and everything?” she asked Cheese. “I dunno,” he said, shrugging. “We’ve only been here an hour or two.” “But,” Flash stammered, “I would never have tried stealing waffles if you hadn’t given me the idea!” “Are you sure? Besides, now you are the greatest waffle stealer ever! Anypony in Equestria would say so. Although maybe you are, too,” she added to the miserable figure on the floor. Trenderhoof sighed. “I’m not sure what I am anymore, but I think I’d like to try being somepony else for a change.” Two long shadows fell across the bars. He looked up to see two more Royal Guards. “The Princess will see you now,” one said.