I was given three ultimatums once. I chose option five, as option four was too obvious and option six was not ready yet.
Okay. Don’t panic. This is not a sign that I’m becoming mortal, just a side effect. A vision inducing side effect. From something I should not even be able to do.
I woke up in the library's spare bed earlier today, and was told I slept. Which is a problem, as I haven’t slept in years due to me being, well, dead. Waking up while hugging a pillow was not on the list of things I was going to do some day or the other. When I spoke of my vision, Spike told me it was probably a dream. He’s a dragon of the non-evil kind, therefore he must be right.
Only it wasn’t really a dream. Dreams are weird. This was more like a reenactment of a memory, the one where I...
The one from when I watched Venera die, which led to me joining the Argent Dawn. Which is why I woke up screaming her name. And that may have caused Spike to be covered in a pile of books, a feeling I know way too well myself. Libraries are death traps I tell you!
He asked me who Venera was. So I told him the short version. Imagine an awesomeness scale from one to ten, then throw that away because it doesn’t even come close. She’s clever, she’s funny, she gives the best dagger massage of all time, and her skills with the arts of stealth are legendary. And... that’s all you need to know.
I know she’s technically human. What makes her different is that she doesn’t use her “humanity” as an excuse. “He’s only X” is amongst the worst excuses for anything, right next to “my mount ate my homework” and “I’m a paying customer”. The very few situations where those are actually proper reasons are drowned out by the myriads of improper uses used to throw responsibility onto someone else, just because they can’t handle it themselves. I never deny being responsible for my actions. Never. Not caring is not the same as denying.
Xia and Lorn left me behind while they went to the forest, and I honestly don’t want to go back to that forest again. Too many trees, not to mention I can’t even kill anything inside it. This spell sucks, and Xia even told me she couldn’t detect any traces of it. Which might mean I’ve always had it, but that would be absurd. Next thing I know I become a herbalist or worse, an unholy death knight. Stupid flower pickers.
Twilight wants to study my undead condition. Not like I have anything better to do since I’m not allowed to go outside. Maybe I’ll rebel. Wait, that what they expect me to do. I’ll stay inside, they’ll never expect that!
WHY DO I KEEP DOING THESE THINGS?
I’m stuck in some weird mechanical contraption in the library’s basement, with weird sticky dots on my front legs and a weird hat on my head with wires connecting them to some machine. This better not end up with me getting body swapped again, the transformation potions and items we have back on azeroth are bad enough. I never understood the whole deal with Noggenfogger, an elixir that either makes you smaller, into a skeleton, or light as a feather for a short period of time. And then there’s the savory deviate delight, a fish that turns you into either a pirate or a ninja. Only drawback is both are human forms, and somehow I always end up as a ninja while Lorn get the pirate one. Which may have something to do with him being a bloodsail admiral after he drank too much and obliterated Booty Bay.
What happens in Booty Bay will follow you forever. Lorn ended up on a wanted poster next to Draic, who also ended up as an admiral of the bloodsail pirates after slaughtering a rather large amount of goblins. At least he wasn’t drunk, otherwise there wouldn’t be a Booty Bay. Man’s crazy.
It was even worse than the time Lorn and me ended up smashed in Stromgarde, which is where Venera and I met, although that was a few years earlier before the third war when she was still alive. Blood elves were known as high elves back then, before the destruction of the Sunwell that forces most of them to leech magic from a different source. Which technically means I’m not exactly a blood elf, as I do not carry the demonic corruption they do. I’m still thalassian! Besides, my eyes are blue. Blue is forever better than green. Especially since the green colour comes from feeding on demon magic.
No, I never feed on demonic magic. They can feed on it as much as they want, I’m not touching that stuff unless it involves killing it. It’s even worse than alcohol, and while I don’t regret my first and last time getting smashed I’m not touching another bottle of it. Or any other container for that matter. Maybe apple cider, do they have that here?
They do. I just asked Twilight, and she says the Apple family makes them. Perhaps I’ll give it a try, although just small one. I’d rather not wake up next to a pony I don’t know, especially seeing as I’m dead- wait. If I have enough life in me then NO BAD THOUGHTS. That doesn’t even sound as wrong as it should! Last time that happened I almost died, as it was before these spirit healers unveiled themselves and removed death.
You want to know about it don’t you. Very well. Let me tell you the story of how I met Venera.
It was a cold and stormy- actually no it wasn’t. It was the day me and Lorn got smashed in Stromgarde, a human stronghold and harbour city. It might surprise you to hear this, but I was amongst the high elves who remained with the Alliance after the second war. Remember when I said I was a hundred and twenty eight years old? My memories are that old, I don’t recall anything that happened beforehand. I don’t actually know my real age, not that it really matters. I’ve got plenty of millenias ahead of me, it’s not like my age really matters.
Then again, I’m not a woman. Never ask a woman their age.
Yes, I was allied with the human race once. Back then I was naive enough to believe in them. They were a little too proud, especially the gilneans who walled themselves in to show off their independence, but not like they are now. And then the Scourge arrived.
What a bloody mess that was. All the good humans died. Now the only good humans are the dead ones, which is why Quel’Thalas joined up with the Forsaken of Lordaeron a few years back, which is also why the blood elves joined the Horde, which is a weird decision considering we were at war with them before that whole mess. Politics are confusing, at least we don’t have any orcs in the guild. Just a troll. Darkspear trolls are cool. The others not so much.
I was shocked, and I might have broken Twilight’s machine as a result. I blame Lorn who busted through the door upstairs.
They’ve found Draic.
I feel like I’m forgetting something. Probably nothing important.
Well this is just dandy.
They found Draic. That’s good news. He’s infected with the Plague. That’s bad news. That means either the Forsaken or the Scourge is here, which is also bad news. And there might be an open portal between the two worlds. That’s both good and bad news. Xia is coughing up smoke. That’s not news. We’re in a hospital. That’s new. Its interior is green. THAT’S BUCKING HORRIBLE.
Draic is a pony, a dark purple coated one with a black mane. His flank mark is a green fireball with a vial and a wrench crossed behind it, like a fancy pirate flag. Of FIRE. Green fire, which is the right kind of green. Just like broccoli green. Broccoli are not evil, they are vegetables and sworn enemies of the pears, who have the inferior green colour. Juch like these hospital walls. I feel sick just by being here.
A loud noise just came from outside, followed by a voice sounding like... Patchwerk?
Well that was... interesting. The town was just invaded by Patchwerk, Anub’arak and a whole swarm of undead nerubians. I got to kill things again, and Celestia is the biggest kill stealer of all time.
As it turns out, I was fully able to slaughter a number of nerubians before Celestia showed up and ruined my fun with her overpowered Holy Nova. This is why I dislike royalty. I could’ve dealt with these invaders myself! Although they were sort of overrunning the town, but she could’ve at least left a few of them for me! Stupid holy spells and their ability to incinerate the undead.
… I guess I should be glad I’m still alive, considering the piles of ashes scattered around town could’ve been me if I was still fully undead. Still, that doesn’t explain why Xia didn’t combust being undead herself, unless she somehow became... oh. That would explain why she was coughing up more smoke than usual.
It started with just Patchwerk. He’s a house sized abomination composed of several bodies stitched together, with enough strength to pulverize flesh and the brainpower of a long deceased roadkill, much looks your average inlaw. A disfigured face with differently sized eyes, terrible teeth, and stitches everywhere. Three arms, two thick ones in the “normal” places holding a overly large cleaver and a chain, with the third one being on his back holding a smaller cleaver. Fluid kept dripping out of the hole in his stomach that exposed his innards.
He was defeated by the most awkwardly awesome pegasus I’ve ever seen. A blond, gray coated mare with unfocused eyes and bubbles on her flank. She defeated him by flying straight into his head several times, distracting him as Xia bombarded him with fire before finally causing him to blow up with a Living Bomb, one of the many stupidly powerful fire mage spells she’s able to cast. Why she insists on using anything but her fire spells is beyond me, usually when asked she mumbles something about “balance”.
Oh, and this pegasus doesn’t look at explosions. Her foal has the best mother ever.
As Patchwerk exploded, I noticed there was something moving underground. Time slowed down as the ground opened under an aquamarine coated unicorn mare, revealing an undead arachnid. Without thinking I used my Death Grip, dragging it out of the ground and away from the mare and onto my raised sword, impaling it. As it screeched, more popped up of the ground all over the square grabbing hold of every pony they could reach. Gripping another, I jumped and cleaved it mid flight before proceeding to kill them off one by one as more of them appeared, weaving their victims in cocoons.
But more importantly, I could kill them! Yay for mindless slaughter! Their boss even showed up, a big beetle looking arachnid known as Anub’arak. Poor guy, he’s been declared properly dead three times now and still he keeps coming back. Which in this case was odd, as the Lich King had been replaced by Bolvar who swore to keep them under control. Just what was the Scourge doing here in Equestria anyway?
Wait... these two have both been declared dead three times, Anub’arak once due to natural causes such as being murdered and twice after being raised, while Patch has been declared dead thrice now. Which makes them both overused, so...
Oh hay no. If the one behind this is who I think it is, I’m going to punch someone with my face.
Lorn’s got his power back. Seems getting hit by a holy nova made by a sun goddess recharged his holy energy supply, so he’s healing the very few wounded from the battle. The same nova is the spell responsible for turning every true undead invader into a pile of ash, which game Celestia way too many points at once. Let’s just hope this doesn’t go to her head.
Oh, and the aquamarine unicorn I saved? She has a thing for hands, and demanded I “teach her my ways”. I... might have ended up hiding behind Celestia. THESE PONIES ARE CRAZY! Especially the mares, I swear they all have some sort of “I WILL END YOU” look they can pull out whenever the situation does not call for it.
Xia “saved” me. And by “saved” I mean “dragged me away and sneezed fire in my face”.
Hang on, Xia’s calling me and... Draic is awake.
I believe you can fly.
I believe if you fall you die.
I think about it every now and then.
Then it hurts my head again.
I’m on a flying dragon. We’re heading towards an old castle in the middle of Everfree forest, where the six locals we have with us defeated Nightmare Moon in the past. Seems Luna was driven insane from jealousy of her sister’s day over a thousand years ago, which made Celestia banish her to the moon.
I slapped Celestia when I heard that. IN MY MIND. I’d rather not be banished to the moon myself, imagine being stuck on a gray rock for a thousand years. Celestia is even less my favourite princess because of that.
When Draic appeared somewhat healthier earlier, he told us it had not been an attack, but a diversion. He asked Celestia if she guarded anything, which was interrupted by Spike burping up a scroll. Two actually, one from Luna which said that some elements and “Discord” had disappeared, while the other one was a formal complaint. Pinkie even read it out loud,”The resident Lord of the Dead requests an explanation as to why there is a huge mentally disabled fleshbag playing tag with a bunch of giant spiders in his underworld.” Which was odd, seeing as the undead should’ve just respawned back on Azeroth. And who was this “Discord”?
Draic simply asked for the short version and if anypony were able to fight, as he already knew where the nerubians had come from and how to deal with it. That’s the mark of a leader right there, which means I have to think less about why and more about how. Discord is the spirit of chaos and disharmony, and is currently a statue. He was sealed in it by the elements of harmony, artifacts of power the six mares we’ve talked to are the bearers of.
The ten of us all ran out of town towards the forest, those of us from Azeroth donning our armour. Celestia went to deal with whatever else she had to deal with, fully confident we could handle the situation. It was not until we were quite a distance away that Draic stopped. As Dash asked why, he transformed into his dragon form, a sandstone drake. Which is basically a drake made of sandstone, with wings and everything.
Yes, Draic is a drake. Sort of. Nopony expected that. Even though his name is just an old gilnean misspelling of the word “drake”, and is even pronounced the same way. He’s not good at coming up with names. As for his dragon form, some time ago a recipe of an ancient potion was unearthed in Uldum, one that was said to grant the imbiber the ability to transform into a sandstone drake. Of course, the materials needed for it are extremely expensive. Which is why we have an entire vault filled with them.
Apart from being able to transform into a dragon made of sandstone, the Vial of the Sands has a few undocumented side effects. One being that the imbiber doesn’t just gain the ability to transform into a sandstone drake, but becomes part stone due to how alchemic transformation works, which is why neither Xia nor Draic became piles of ash from Celestia’s spell. One does not simply turn flesh into stone, the process is a bit more... permanent. It’s like the opposite version of the “curse of flesh” that turned stone constructs into mortals. Xia told us she chose to take it without really thinking it over, as she could’ve just let Lorn carry Draic from the forest. Actually, let me ask him why he was infected by the plague in the first place.
… He accidentally broke a vial with a sample of the plague. WHAT.
Back to the subject of sandstone drakes. You’d think more people would want to gain immortality by drinking this Vial, there’s just one small problem with it. Goldshire. That town is filled with so many people claiming to be the love children of Illidan and Deathwing that the idea of anyone becoming a dragon is considered taboo. What the actual fuck. “Buck” doesn’t cut it in this instance.
Draic and Venera have been working on modifying it to change the appearance to one of the other dragon species, with Xia’s vial being a volcanic stone one. I want a frostwyrm one, frostwyrms are cool. They’re basically undead dragons, although when I think about it now... no, I still want wings. They hit a breakthrough some time ago from studying transmogrification, a special kind of magic that changes the appearance of armour and weapons. Which did wonders for the world of fashion, and is the main reason my armour is a perfect match.
YES. My vial is ready, but it’s back at our headquarters. SOON.
As of now Draic and Xia are carrying most of us, with Lorn and Dash flying next to us. There’s something small moving towards us- SKITTENS.
Journal, say hello to Skittens, the fastest flying kitten in all of everywhere. He has yellowish brown fur, a brown mane and shining yellow eyes. This kitten is and forever will be the most awesome kitten. Of all time. FOREVER. If there was a rulebook for how the universe was supposed to work, there would be a giant section describing just how awesome this kitten will always be. In fact, the entire book would consist mostly of that section with a small page stuffed all the way at the end with the less important details like conditions needed for pears to exist and unholy death knights.
He’s carrying a letter, signed with...
It’s from Venera.
The letter contained a single sentence: “Prisoners present”.
Shortly after Venera appeared out of thin air, much to Dash’s shock. She’s a light blue pegasus with a straight black mane and yellow glowing eyes. Of course she had wings. She wore an odd contraption on each of her front hooves, each with a jagged dagger attached to them. Her flank mark is five knives formed like a fan. And she’s still looking as deadly as ever.
I lept of Draic and hugged her in mid air. Which was a rather stupid idea, luckily Draic caught me with a claw as I let her go. Don’t judge me.
Meet Venera, the occupant of the first place on my list of everything awesome and the only one who have stolen my heart. Literally. I spent a good afternoon chasing her down that day during the “Love is in the Air” festival, I have not lost as much blood in a single day since. We finished it off with a nest extermination followed by a trip to Southshore, which was a small human town in the Hillsbrad Foothills before the Forsaken bombed it with their version of the plague. Their military is not the most creative sort, seeing as that is their main strategy for every skirmish. Bombs are overrated.
We’re not in love. Honest. It’s more like a perfect storm of bad decisions. One that started with us waking up next to each other in Stromgarde a few years back after my first and last time getting completely smashed, followed by several minutes of the two of us trying to kill each other causing more property damage than the innkeeper was comfortable with. One thing lead to another and... well...
Back to the present, I apologized to her for taking the last slice of the chocolate cake. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. But she wasn’t mad. She got over that when she set my favourite curtains on fire. Poor innocent victims of war, I even paid extra to have the sword pattern made extra detailed. And she burned them because I ate one small slice of cake. And for the record, cake is not considered food. It is way too delicious and can therefore be consumed in infinite amounts.
She briefed Draic on the current situation, giving away the locations of the prisoners she had mentioned earlier in the letter. Without further ado we initiated plan B. What’s plan B? Plan B is “slaughterfest” and it’s the best plan. Plan A involves too much stealth for my taste, as fun as it is to watch your enemies slowly but surely panic as you take them out one by one. And no princess will steal my kills this time!
It started with Lorn performing a Divine Bomb, which is an improvised technique involving flying into any structure and using Divine Shield just before hitting it. Paladins get eight seconds of damage immunity, which is completely fair. It’s not like they’re any good without it, obviously. EXCEPT THEY ARE. Regardless, Lorn knocked a sizeable hole in the side of the castle. So much for ancient irreplaceable architecture. Draic and Xia landed inside and changed back, dropping the rest of us on the rocky floor. I might have landed on my face.
We were greeted by a band of fel elves. Fel elves are like blood elves, only they have red skin and a pair of very small black wings on their back that serve no purpose whatsoever. Venera dispatched all of them before I could even get back on my hooves, and started running down the stone corridor. Apart from the new window Lorn had generously installed, the castle corridors consisted mostly of torches lining walls of rock. Even the ceiling was made of rock. Castles are so bland.
Rarity showed disapproval of the fact that Venera just killed the fel elves, but we kept moving. We passed several bodies of other fel elves, most of them with their heads still intact and an angry look on their faces. Within a few minutes we found Venera in a large room, standing by a large green crystal containing a pony shaped figure.
The room contained several dozen similar crystals that had been broken, containing pools of... well, remains of... something. Whatever it was, is smelled terrible and frankly upset a few of the mares. It didn’t help when Draic touched one of the pools, studying the red goo. He claimed that by the looks of it, the goo had once been ponies. They were either too shocked or disgusted to react as Draic struck the remaining crystal with his front hooves, shattering it in a swirl of green magicy something. He caught the pony inside, an azure unicorn mare with a mane two slightly different hues of light blue.
Before I could check out her flank mark, Twilight called her “Trixie”, hinting that she knew the mare from beforehand. Draic asked Twilight if she could feel the power emanating from the azure pony, and when she said no he told us that the mare radiated demonic energy and was likely the only one who survived an attempt to create fel ponies. And judging by the sheer number of crystals, this was likely what would’ve happened to the ponies of Ponyville if the nerubians hadn’t been stopped. Question was, which town did these come from and why had we not heard anything about it? And why do I care?
The castle suddenly started shaking violently, causing cracks to appear on the stone walls, floor, ceiling, and everything else not yet mentioned. Rocks fell onto the floor as the ceiling collapsed, dropping the entire upper floor onto us. I was not pleased, just because it had been several weeks since last I was crushed flat didn't mean I missed the feeling!
However gravity failed at doing its job, as a pink shield enveloped us. Twilight had enveloped all of us in a protective barrier, hinting that she wasn’t just a mage, but also a priest. She must have royal blood too, it would explain how she can multiclass.
As the rocks settled down, we found the once ancient castle in rumbles and a large blue portal floating in the air above us. A laughter could be heard, as a weird mishmash of a creature resembling the one from the stained glass in the castle. Only this one didn’t have a goat head, but one made up of half squirrel half... blood elf.
“Azeroth was merely a setback!”
Buck this. I have a face to punch, monologue or no monologue. He's been blabbering long enough.