//------------------------------//
// Ch. 14: Simple Ways, These Are Not 
// Story: The Moon Shall Rise From Hell's Ashes 
// by TundraStanza 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 14: Simple Ways, These Are Not


---{Dilan Shier}

When I placed my breakfast order this morning, I was kidding about the choice in question.  But surprisingly, the chef had managed to do the impossible.  There were rose petals in the pancakes.  They taught me a valuable lesson about passion today... and it was delicious.

"Ah! Such wonderful flavor and texture," I beamed, "Where have you been all my life?"

The next bite danced in my mouth and I savored every second of it.

"Mare-that's-done-eating says what!"

I spun around on the spot. "Huh?"

"Eh, close enough."

I heard fingers snapping. Wait, fingers snapping? Who the heck has fingers to snap around here?

"Hm, you know," muttered a nearby chewing mouth, "I don't see what you find so great about these. I mean in the end, you could make the rose another name and it would still taste as torte."

I looked back in front of me.  My merely half-finished breakfast plate was suddenly empty... and the culprit was floating above the table with his upside-down face right within a few inches.

"Hey!" I exclaimed.

"No, pancakes," the whatever-it-was said. "And it's rude to think of somebody as a 'whatever'. I'll have you know that I am a draconequus."

I blinked. "A... dragon horse?"

He started counting on his claws... which were somehow multiplying beyond the four I had originally seen on that limb. "Dragon, horse, snake, lion, eagle, antelope, wabbajack, wangdoodle, bat, flamingo, and approximately 105 percent vermicious knid, give or take a few immune system organs."

Did... I just hear my brain short-circuit? I wondered. "I... uh... what?"

"Oh, dear," the whatev- I mean, draconequus said, "I seem to have this impression on new ponies that I meet all the time. Here!"

He then proceeded to pull out an old toy hand-crank from nowhere.  Then, he somehow shoved it into my back and wound it clockwise about three times.  It started slowly spinning left a couple of rotations before vanishing completely.

I shook my head and pointed both of my hooves forward. "Okay, stop. Who are you?"

He curled around the air in every inconceivable way. "I've gained a number of names over my time. The Riddle-Pusher.  Nuisance. Downright Evil. Dee Que. The Manipulator. But you, my dear Nightmare Moon may call me Santa Marr Ee!"

I leaned back a bit. "Uh..."

He held up one claw. "But, only if you're partial to having your ribs plucked out one by one, dipped in acid, and then have your soul ripped out before your remains are fought over between a vulture and a quarry eel."

While he was saying all of that, he was also demonstrating everything literally with his own body parts.  The vulture and a giant red eel popped in out of flipping nowhere.

...

I really hoped Princess Luna had some extra free time tonight.  I'm pretty sure those mental images were burned into my irises, my pupils, my retinas, and the rest of the parts of my eyes.

"Otherwise, call me Discord," the draconequus continued, "The Master of Chaos and Disharmony."

"But... you were... just..." I pointed at where I thought the madman's corpse was, only to find nothing out of the ordinary in that part of the dining room. How? Just... how?

"Well, this isn't going to be much fun if the toy keeps breaking," grumbled Discord. "Maybe it just needs a little oil."

He snapped his talon.  A small, pink cloud suddenly poofed into place right above me.  Before I could think to react, it started raining on me.  But it wasn't normal rain water.  It was too much of a dirty brown color to be rain water.  Soon, I felt completely soaked by whatever this was.

I let out a groan.

"Oh, relax," Discord waved dismissively, "It's only chocolate milk."

"Then why does it smell like old gym shorts?" I inquired before spitting out a bit of the 'milk' that had squeezed its way into my mouth.

Within an instant, I felt a bit drier.  I was about to question the instant vaporization of the shorts-flavored, lactose product.  However, a bunch of playing cards flying around in front of my face before returning to Discord's lion paw quickly stole away any question that was on the tip of my tongue.  Heck, I think I saw letters spelling out my question swing away from my mouth before being slapped onto the fifty-four cards.

How is it that a conglomerate creature such as this makes less sense than ghosts, magic, flying, electrical blasts, celestial bodies that are physically raised and lowered, and souls connected by the flavor of a rose? I couldn't even begin to follow this guy's behavior.

"Care to play a game?" he asked with a one-fanged smirk.

"Not... really," I muttered as I slowly... quietly... ran for the door!

I never got anywhere close.  The draconequus poofed in a white light right in front of me.  He somehow halted my advance with what looked like Force Persuasion.  I was trapped.

"Oh, come now, Dill Anne Shier," he insisted, "I just got over a Tatzlwurm green flu and I've been dying from boredom."

I shook where I stood. "Aren't there... any other, um, friends that you could play with instead?"

"Well, normally I would be more than happy to pop by Fluttershy's for a visit," he pondered, "But this week, she and the rest of the gang are helping put together the Ponyville Days festival." He poofed out and back in with his neck practically scraping against mine. "Now, I may be new to friendship, but even I can respect a few traditions if it makes them happy."

I scooted a few inches away from him so that he wasn't breathing down my neck.  Then, I weighed my options.

He can somehow bend reality to his whim and he can conjure whatever he wants, wherever he wants, I guessed. Even if I were to try and run away, there's nothing that can guarantee a safe way to escape. So, the only other option is to play along and hope that he is eventually satisfied enough to move on. I sighed. Why am I getting the crappy end of the stick?

"All right, Discord," I resigned, "What game do you-?"

"You lose!" he cheered. "Lol! I'm so random."

I blinked before clearing my throat. "So, what do you want to play then?"

---

"How did I get dragged into this again?" asked Faith Shield.

"No clue," I answered with a wing shrug.

Giant platforms were raised in the middle of a huge, chasm.  Faith and I were standing on a platform at one end of the giant space.  Discord was flying inches above another platform at the other end.  A bunch of stone bleachers made up a surrounding stadium.  Several other whatev- er, I mean draconequuses (draconequi?) were sitting in these bleachers in various attire holding various sports fan paraphernalia.

One draconequus was wearing a bra (I don't know why. She didn't have anything there to cover.) and held onto a hanging microphone.  I'm not sure what it was hanging from.  This space had no conceivable ceiling.

"Welcome, fillies, gentlecolts, and those of unspecified gender!" she announced. "Today's turnout looks outstanding for this once in a fictional lifetime, sure to be explosive game!"

I heard what sounded like a static-filled sound clip of the crowd cheering wildly.  Maybe the real crowd was cheering.  I couldn't tell for sure, though.

"And in this obtuse angle, we have our reigning champion." She pointed her lion's paw. "It's the wonderful, whimsical, all-around dashing, good-looking Master of the hectics himself: Discord!"

Discord bowed in ways that would probably break a normal person's back, duct tape itself, and break it again.

"In this circumference, we have our challengee." The announcer moved her paw to point at my platform. "Taking up the mantle of the late Nightmare Moon, give it up for the rookie: Dilan Shier!"

"Wait, hold up," interrupted Faith, "Did she just give the introductions in reverse order?"

"And why didn't she call them 'corners'?" I added. "Wah!"

A rectangular light suddenly flashed against my left hoof.  It solidified into some unidentifiable, mechanical device.  Another glow of light solidified into a smaller item hanging out from a slot in the hoof device.

Is that a deck of cards? I wondered.

A whooshing noise brought my attention and I looked up to see similar items in Discord's possession.

"All right, if our warriors and our audience are ready..."

"Let's Card Buddy Fight!"

"Card what?" wondered Faith. "Woah!"

A blinding light surrounded the vampire pony guard.  I held up my hoof to preserve my ability to see.  When the light finally started fading, I lowered my hoof.

...

There's a giant gray dragon standing next to me.

...

"Holy crap!" I screamed, "It's a giant dragon!"

"What? Where?!" the dragon joined the chorus.

I gasped. "Wait a minute. That voice... Faith, is that you?"

"Y-Yeah," the dragon stammered, "At least I think so. Why in the hay am I so bulgy?"

Once more, my attention was brought to Discord's end as a huge, green dragon appeared by his side.  It roared, shaking the air around it and making my ears flinch.  But then, I got another look at the details.  Both Faith and the green dragon had their own sets of armor.  The design and placing of pieces was a bit different, but they were definitely wearing plated armor.

But they already have scales on their skin. I stared uncomprehendingly. Why would they even need armor on top of that?

"Okay, fighters!" called the announcer, "Go ahead and draw your first four cards."

"You mean from this deck?" I asked while looking down at the weird hoof gear. "Um... all right." I reached down my right hoof and pulled out four cards. I held them up to see what was on the cards' faces. "Now what?"

"Toss them up!"

"Huh?" I titled my head at her.

"Like this!" called out Discord.  He threw his cards up.  Just above his head, they somehow expanded into four translucent rectangles. But, I could only see the cards backs being projected through those rectangular panels.

With uncertainty, I went ahead and thrust the cards in my grasp into the air.  Similarly to Discord's cards, these floated to above my head and expanded into somewhat translucent rectangles.  But unlike his cards, I could actually see these cards' faces.  Some of them looked like cartoonish monsters.  One of them, however, looked more like a picture of a sword.

"Oh, and before I forget, the game starts with both players having ten hitpoints. First one to knock their opponent to zero wins!"

Two giant numbers suddenly popped into being right at the edge of our platforms.  They read as "10".

"This is way too complicated," I groaned while holding my head.

"Here," offered Discord, "Chew some gum. It really helps."

"Wah!" I exclaimed. "When did you come over here?"

"I didn't!" he called from the other end's platform.

"But I... you... ugh," I exhaled heavily before chewing the piece of gum Discord shoved into my mouth.

Suddenly, the game itself was more comprehensible.  Oh no, I still didn't get the multitude of draconequi in the audience or any of the things they did.  But this Card Buddy Fight game... something about that gum made the rules click.

I harrumphed. "Still seems a bit too complicated for a trading card game, but whatever."

"Erm, I still have no idea what's going on," mentioned Faith Shield the dragon.

"Just stay where you are right now, Faith," I requested. "I've got an idea."

I set my hoof against the top of my deck.

"First turn!" I hollered out. "Draw!"

I flung the top card over to the rest of my floating panels.  I grabbed a hold of two of the cartoonish monsters' pictures and aimed forth.  It was like throwing a couple of frisbees.

"BB Dragon: Terrabiter and Pea-shooter Dragon: Piacus to the left and right respectively!"

Two tiny dragon-like creatures appeared and stood on the platforms that were closest to me.  They stared ahead with anticipation.  Though for now, the safety on their weapons was on.

"Additionally," I declared while reaching for the 'Equipment' card that depicted a sword. "I equip the Pinnacle Épée."

The thin, but long fencing blade appeared in my grasp.  Then, I took a brief flying jump to the centermost platform nearby the one that Faith Shield was standing on.

"Okay, boys," I called out to my units, "Light him up!"

The small dragons clicked off their weapons' safeties and pointed some small rounds against Discord's number.  The "10" exploded into a "9".  That "9" immediately exploded into an "8".  I followed up by flying up and forward, with the Épée in hoof.  I took a swinging slash against Discord's personal space.  The "8" exploded into a "7" before it became a "6" and then a "5".  I leapt back to my center platform.

"Turn end," I relented.

"Watashi no turn!" Discord called. "Tiro una carta!"

Um... bless you? I tilted my head at his strange choice of words.

He seemed to be carefully examining his giant panelled cards.  But then, he placed a trout in his mouth and started smoking it.  So, maybe he wasn't really concentrating on that.  I couldn't tell for sure.

"First comes my move that can only be activated during the standby phase," he said before slurping up his fish. "Madness Maelstrom!"

"Say what?" I frantically looked around as the platforms were suddenly being shaken by a strong, purple wind.  Terrabiter and Piacus warbled a bit before they screamed.  My units were swept into dusty particles.  My blade soon followed in their non-existent footsteps as I was tossed back.

I was caught in Faith's huge wing. "Hang on!"

I shook my head a bit as the stormy gale died down.  When I straightened myself out, however, I noticed the "10" in front of me exploded three times, counting down until it reached "7".

"Oh-ho-ho!" chuckled the announcer, "With the champion's hit points halfway depleted, he gained access to his game breaking power of the Madness Maelstrom! That ability let him wipe the field clear from all of Dilan's units and equipment."

"Urgh." I clenched my teeth. "To top it off, I lost a point for every card destroyed in that way. I got too caught up in my attacks last turn to think of the side effects."

"Now, head for the right," commanded Discord, "Missile Launcher: Bodragion!"

A giant, turtle-shelled monster appeared on the platform furthest away from me to my left.  Though, that distance wouldn't matter in a bit.  Those lit fuses didn't look like they had much string to burn.

"And I'll equip the Leech Party Favors!" he chortled while grabbing one panel.  Upon use of the card, three wiggling things floated nearby his face.  He then snapped a claw before teleporting to his center platform.

"Fill up this stadium with your fireworks, Bodragion," he requested.

The turtle-dragon did as was asked.  The fuses suddenly raced into its three missiles as they launched in my direction.  Sad to say, I couldn't move on my opponent's turn.  Even though I knew they were missiles, their impact let off the ringing of a flashbang grenade.

*6* *5* *4*

I wobbled around in place while the dots in my vision started to fade.  Unfortunately by the time I was ready, Discord was already in my face.  His equip card made the noise of party blowers, but their bites felt acidic.  My skin burned while it felt like my very life force was draining out of me.  My "4" dropped to a dangerous "1".

His "5" on the other hand exploded in reverse, causing it to rise to a "6".  The crowd went wild.  He kissed his paw and waved at the other draconequi.

I breathed shallowly while my legs shook.  One of my knees threatened to buckle.  Faith lowered one of his clawed limbs and helped me stay upright.

"We need to stop this game right now," his voice growled in sympathy, "You're not looking so good."

I shook my head. "I'm afraid we're in too deep as it is." I gently pressed against his limb with the intention of pushing it aside. "If I forfeit now, the suffering will never end. I need to finish this here."

"I guess that's enough for now," sighed Discord happily, "You're up."

"I draw!" I called.  Three panels now stood on my board.  But none of them had enough kick to deal enough damage.  Plus, Discord's right side was guarded by one of the strongest units in the game.  I chuckled humorlessly.

"When I'm on my last legs," I said between breaths, "I can call my 'Buddy' into the fight." I turned to look. "Faith, I'm counting on you."

He nodded in reply. "Just say the word."

"Okay!" I stomped my hoof against the platform. "Faith Shield, head to my right!"

The armored, gray dragon let out a roar as he made the short flight.  He landed with a thud.

"What's this?" asked the announcer rhetorically. "Instead of calling her buddy to the center for a smart defense, she's sent her dragon to the right leaving herself wide open for the champion's final turn. What is she thinking?

I took a deep breath.
"It wouldn't have mattered anyway," I mutter. "What would be the point of surviving until next turn? These cards alone wouldn't come anywhere close to Discord's current formation." I opened my eyes, certain that I heard a flashing sound effect. "It's all or nothing. Tension Limit!"

The rectangular panels in front of me shattered into shards.

"Oh, wow! Dilan Shier is taking a huge gamble. With her health well below half-empty, she can ditch her board and instantly equip one random item card from her deck. But will it be enough?"

The giant panel floated around the airspace.  It soon swooped down within a hoof's reach.

"This is it!" I cried out.  Light flashed and blinded some of the crowd.  I had my new equipment and immediately flew to my center platform. "Pinnacle Épée!" I pointed my device-strapped hoof. "Faith Shield, cut through with your wings!"

"Heh, give me a challenge," he said with a toothy smile. Even with all that dragon bulk, he dove in faster than a perfect pitch. While Discord didn't move, his number sure did.

*5* *4* *3*

"Now, to bring it home," I said before taking flight myself. "Haaaaaaa!"

In a weird, last-ditch effort, Discord started throwing his leeches in my direction.  Since it was my turn, I could dodge these rogue, harmless equip items.  I then proceeded to swing with as much speed and repetition as I could while I was in front of him.

"Courtesy of the best in the Night Guard," I addressed my move, "Parry Breaker: Hundred-Year Judgement!"

Slowly, but surely, Discord's hit points exploded into a giant "0".

I landed back on my own platform. "I'm no Spirit Sword, but he did teach me what I needed here."

A loud foghorn blared throughout the area.  A large, holo-image appeared in the center of the arena.  It depicted Nightmare Moon's smiling visage and it the word "WIN!" was flashing underneath it in bold letters.

Then, the whole place got swept under a giant rug.

---

Faith Shield shook himself at his normal height. "Whew. Having extra digits on my hooves felt weird."

I looked around the dining room in confusion. "Hey, where did Discord go?"

It was about then that I saw the plate of freshly, steaming pancakes sitting on the table.  Some kind of message was embedded in their surface with rose petals.

Thanks for the fun.

I smiled lightly... until one last leech party favor popped out of the dish a mere millimeter from my face.  Instead of falling on my back unconscious, I screamed and fell onto my back scared stiff.

Faith sighed. "I'll get the ice bucket."

---{Third-Person Narrator}

No pony at the castle saw the obnoxious colt in the streets using his wings like a motor to propel himself faster on his dirt bike.  His girlfriend was leaning on the back of the frame as she rode her avatar: Blaster Blade.  They were really revving it up, much to the shock of the bystanding upper class ponies.

---