//------------------------------// // Captain Phillips // Story: The Cassandra Crossovers // by CassandraMyOCisBestpony //------------------------------// Captain Phillips Cassandra brought the ponies to the year 2009 to help Captain Phillips. Since pirates were involved, a pony outside the Mane group insisted on coming. "I'm Pip th' pyrate! I sail th' seven seas for buried business or pleasure!" "Say what?" said Rainbow Dash "Pip is a cockneigh pony, and he uses rhyming slang," explained Cassandra, "business and pleasure means treasure." "Thank ya for helpin' me delivah my goods" said Captain Phillips, with his totally not fake and extremely convincing New England accent, "we gotta get this shipment of baked beans an' clam chowdah to a shipyahd in the ha'bah in Mombassah. "Look at those dolphins!" exclaimed Fluttershy, pointing to the aft deck, where two skiffs were rapidly approaching. "Fluttershy, those aren't dolphins, they're pirates!" exclaimed Cassandra. "Oi! We over 'ere!" called Pip to the two skiffs. "Pip, honey, get below deck," said Cassandra, "these pirates are mot like the ones you see in Disneigh films, they are very dangerous men." "There's an easy way ta remember" offered Applejack, "th' white pirates are th' good guys an' th' black pirates are th' bad guys." "Does anypony else feel a draft?" wondered Cassandra. They all looked confused, "oh, my mistake. It's just the Windago's stirring in their sleep, getting closer to bringing about a second ice age with every racist remark that Applejack makes." "Can we keelhaul 'er?" asked Pip excitedly. "Nah, we'll just give her forty lashes." "is that twenty pairs or just individual hairlets?" asked Rarity. "Oh Rarity, it's so cute how you can't think about anything but fashion." "Yeah, it doesn't mean eyelashes" explained Rainbow Dash, " it means...." she had to stop talking because she was drooling so hard at the thought of Cassandra in leather, dominating her with a whip. "Th' pirates are gettin' out the laddahs!" exclaimed a panicked Captain Phillips., "Aw no, this is worse than th' 1986 World Series!" "Just stay calm, Phillips," said Cassandra comfortingly, "you got this." "We gotta get th' daughter Roses goin'!" said Pip "He's right! Crew, turn up da hoses!" Yelled Captaun Phillips. Rainbow Dash yelled, "For the last god damn time, we're ponies, not-" "Hoses, Dash!" yelled back Cassandra. "Oh. My bad." She opened the valve, and the hoses started blasting water out the sides of the ship "Well nuts," said Muse, the leader of the pirates, "so much for the plan to set our own boat on fire. Time for Plan B, we use guns." They boarded the ship, and the crew scurried down to the engine room, whilst Cassandra and Captain Phillips stayed above in the control room. "Ya really don't wanna make Cassandra mad," warned Captain Phillips "We have 30 thousand in the vault" said Cassandra, "I advise you to take it and leave" said Cassandra. Muse snorted, "Why would I be scared of a woman? I'm going to ignore your advice." He took his compatriot Bilal with Phillips to search the engine room for anyone hiding downstairs. Cassandra stalled by convincing them to get food from the mess hall. With her level 99 recon, she detected that Pip and Cronan were hiding in there. "It's dangerous to walk around with bare feet, said Cassandra loudly to Bilal, "you never know what might be on the floor." "What's she talking about?" whispered Cronan "Ya dense? whispered back Pip, "she's sayin' to spread some Sunday mass on th' floor so tha' the pirate will step on it an' injure 'is Coronation Street." So they smashed a bottle on the floor, and sure enough, the pirate stepped in the glass and got a nasty cut on his foot, allowing Pip and Cronan to escape to the relative safety down below. Muse went down to the hold alone, but Pip was a black belt in Krav Maga thanks to Cassandra who managed to turn him into a full fledged warrior with just one lesson. He subdued Muse, and made the rest of the pirates agree to disembark in exchange for Muse's life. However, when they were about to do the swap, Applejack bumbled over saying "Those forty lashes really smarted! Mah rump hasn't been this sore since th' Apple Family Reunion." She lost her balance and tripped Captain Phillips, because she is a clumsy pony. Muse seized the moment and grabbed Phillips, pointing a gun at him menacingly. "New plan. Your captain is coming with us." "Wait!" said Cassandra, "take me instead! I'm better at piloting lifeboats." "Hmmm" said Muse, "that is true..." "No Cassandrah!" cried Captain Phillips, "yaw're moah valuable than anything on this ship." "Aye," agreed Pip, "it'd break me apple cart if I lost you fo'ever!" "My decision is made," said Cassandra firmly. They all started crying, but Cassandra held up a hoof to silence them. Without looking back, she boarded the lifeboat, escorted by the four pirates, pointing AK-47's at her. The door shut, and the lifeboat launched. However, instead of speeding away, it just sat still in the water. "What's going on?" wondered Twilight. Seconds later, the door opened, revealing Cassandra standing victoriously over the four pirates, all of them bruised and tied up. "I don't mean to sound pompous," said Cassandra to the pirates, "but come on, I'm Cassandra, did you seriously think that would end well for you?" "You said you weren't going to pull a ruse!" whined one of the pirates. "True, but honesty is the least important Element." She nodded at Applejack, who had fallen overboard and drowned. The ponies received Congressional medals of honor for their bravery, and for saving the day with no significant casualties. The other Element Bearers didn't actually do anything, but they were cute, so Cassandra let them pose in the photos with her. Cassandra set up cable TV in Somalia, and watching "My Little Pony" taught the Somalians about the magic of friendship. Within a month, the Horn of Africa was free of piracy, and blooming with peace, love, and democracy. Cassandra had saved the day once again.