Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website

by RainbowBob


Guest Chapter: The Last Caveman (MrAskAPirate)

“So, Mr… Savage,” Celestia said, her newest date’s name sliding off her tongue with all the grace of sandpaper. “Your profile said that you’ve recently given up a life of conquest and world domination?”

“Please, Princess, I see no need for such formality,” he chuckled warmly, his smooth, deep voice washing over her ears with dulcet tones. “Call me Vandal.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow even as she lifted her wine, not unaware that he had sidestepped her question. “To be honest, neither of your names is particularly comforting to say.” She nearly let the glass fall from her magical grip at the sudden, intense stare he shot at her across the small table. It lasted but an instant before he threw back his head and let out a boisterous, bellowing guffaw that drew the attention of nearly everypony-- no, everyone, Celestia reminded herself-- in the luxurious restaurant in which they dined.

It hadn’t been her first choice to travel to Vandal’s home dimension for their date, even though he had graciously offered to host and to take care of her travel arrangements with some kind of wormhole technology. She could have cast the spell to transport herself across the realities easily enough, but there was something she found very sweet about a man who was willing to rend time and space in order to show a lady a good time. Indeed, despite her usual misgivings and some of the red flags she had noticed in his profile, Vandal had thus far been a perfect gentleman. They had enjoyed box seats at a wonderful opera before attending a late dinner at this fine Prench—no, no, Celestia was fairly certain he had called it a ‘French’ restaurant. Darn it, why do so many worlds have to have such similar names? Regardless, it had been a lovely evening despite not having much time for the two of them to talk until now.

“I suppose you’re right,” he finally said once his laughter had subsided. “Perhaps I’m overdue for a change of identity. I’ve certainly had more than my share of names over the years. What’s one more?”

“Now that does sound interesting,” Celestia leaned forward, finally taking a sip of the fine Merlot he had chosen for them. He had excellent taste in wine as well. “I’ve been Celestia my entire life; it never occurred to me to change my identity.”

“Never?” Vandal sounded genuinely surprised. “Not even once?”

“Well,” she smiled coyly, “there was one sunny day not too long ago where I played hooky from my royal duties. It was a great deal of fun, but I couldn’t possibly leave my subjects without their Princess for very long.”

“I understand,” Vandal said with a smile. “I’ve spent almost my entire life in search of power and dominance. I believed for a very long time that it was my destiny to rule over all of humanity. The feeling of sitting on a throne and commanding those beneath to do your bidding is… intoxicating.”

“That isn’t quite what I meant, but I suppose it’s one way to look at it.” Celestia’s eyes fell to one side as she took a slow sip of her wine. She turned her attention back to her date and regarded him: his fine grey suit resting on broad shoulders, his chiseled jaw only partially hidden behind a well-trimmed beard. His soft brown eyes—eyes that Celestia would have known had seen the coming and going of eons and empires even if she hadn’t known he was immortal—were cast downward at his own drink, staring into the dark liquid as if it held the answer to some inexorable question. He was certainly handsome in a rugged, primal sort of way. Most of the time he gave off such a powerful, calming confidence; as if he would be perfectly comfortable and collected in any situation no matter how dire. That impressed Celestia, who herself always strived to maintain that type of image even if it wasn’t always the truth.

But right now that confidence appeared to have waned, leaving behind only a man who seemed in need of comforting and who had been nothing but kind and gracious to her all evening.

“Tell me about them,” Celestia prompted as she put her forelegs on the table and crossed her hooves beneath her chin, drawing a confused look from Vandal. “These other lives you’ve lead. These other men who are Vandal Savage.”

Vandal chuckled. “Oh, I’ve had a great many famous names over the millennia. Cheops the Builder, Genghis Khan, Edward ‘Blackbeard’ Teach, Alexander the Great, Vlad the Impaler, Julius Caesar,” he paused and shook his head while puffing out his cheeks. “Boy did that one end badly.”

“How so?”

“My closest friend turned my senate against me and they stabbed me to death.”

Celestia nearly choked on her wine. “I beg your pardon?”

“Well, obviously it didn’t take, but not for lack of effort on their part.” He leaned away and reached around with one hand to rub his back. “The spot where Brutus’ first thrust slipped between my ribs still stings from time to time.” Celestia had to make a conscious effort to close her mouth.

“That’s… that’s absolutely horrible! I know well the pain of having someone close become an enemy, but to have so many do it at once…” The mere thought made Celestia’s heart turn to lead in her chest. “Did they truly hate you that much?”

Vandal shrugged. “Perhaps some did. Others simply saw an opportunity to grab power themselves, and still others felt that they were only acting in the best interest of their empire. In the end, I can’t blame any of them. I was a tyrant, after all.” His eyes drifted back down to the wine he slowly swirled. “I was always a tyrant, wasn’t I? Ever since the very beginning, even before I became immortal, I ruled my clansmen with an iron fist. Or a stone one, I suppose. Iron wouldn’t be discovered for another fifty centuries or so.”

“Fifty?” Celestia mouthed as she did the math, her eyes widening slightly. “Vandal, how old are you?”

“Somewhere around twenty-five thousand years, give or take a little. I’m not entirely certain; it was a little hard to keep track of things like that before the invention of the calendar.” He frowned. “That’s not a problem, is it?”

Celestia just stared at him for a moment before shaking her head and taking a healthy swig of her remaining wine. “No! No, it’s fine I just… the phrase ‘robbing the cradle’ comes to mind, and I’m not used to being the one in the cradle.”

“Why, how old are—oh, forgive me. I shouldn’t be so rude as to ask a lady her age. Besides, after the first few thousand years, distinctions like ‘young’ and ‘old’ hardly seem to matter anymore, do they?”

“They certainly don’t,” she agreed as she reached for his hand, which he turned over to delicately grasp her hoof. The two shared a knowing smile, only to be interrupted as the waiter arrived with their meal, and the pair dug in with gusto. Celestia had settled for a salad, while to her surprise Vandal had ordered some kind of vegetarian quiche. She knew well by now that humans were omnivorous—some might even be mistaken for carnivores—and wondered if Vandal hadn’t knowingly forgone ordering meat to make her feel more comfortable.

Almost as if on cue Vandal looked up from his meal and met her gaze, his eyes showing just the tiniest bit of mirth. Celestia blushed and looked down, but not before returning his smile.

Their dinner proceeded swimmingly, the two exchanging both pleasant smalltalk and tales of their immortal lives. Celestia spoke a little about Equestria, her ponies, and thanks perhaps in no small part to the second bottle of Merlot, regaled Vandal with some of her recent and disastrous exploits on the dating scene. Vandal, on the other hand, told her of his origins and, after a bit of prompting, some of the grandiose plans he had enacted throughout history in an attempt to conquer the world.

“... And then Batman reset the coordinates so that the asteroid fired from the mass driver I’d placed in orbit came down right on top of the Kasnian royal palace. While I was still inside.”

“Oooh, that must’ve hurt!” Celestia cringed, but Vandal shook his head.

“Barely felt a thing. Digging my way out of the rubble with a body that had mostly been reduced to the consistency of jello? That hurt.”

Celestia could barely contain the giggle that bubbled forth. “I’m sorry! I don’t mean to laugh, but the way you tell the stories...”

“It’s quite alright,” Vandal grinned. “I’ve done many terrible things in my life. I choose not to hide them because doing so would not change the fact that they happened. Instead, I’ve come to terms with them.” His eyes fell to the side, away from Celestia. “For the most part.”

Celestia was about to reach for his hand again when their waiter arrived with two cups of coffee and dessert menus. After she selected a decadently delicious-looking chocolate cake for herself, the waiter cleared their dinner plates and left to fill their orders. A brief moment of silence passed between them as Vandal added cream and sugar to his coffee.

“What made you stop?”

“I beg your pardon?” Vandal stopped, his drink halfway to his lips.

“What made you stop trying to take over the world?” Celestia continued. “Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s wonderful that you did, but you seemed to enjoy it so much, even if just for the challenge… so what changed your mind?”

Vandal stared at her over his coffee for an almost uncomfortably long moment, and Celestia’s practiced eyes could plainly see that the answer was troubling him. Finally, he set the cup back on its saucer and gently pushed it to one side.

“You did.”

Celestia blinked. “I’m not sure I understand.”

With his eyes still locked with hers, Vandal laced his fingers together and rested his hands on the table. “I have a confession to make, Princess Celestia.”

“Oh, here it comes,” she rolled her eyes. “You’re going to tell me you’re married or something, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been married several times, but none of them ever seem to last,” he admitted, “but no, what I feel you have a right to know is that I had a bit of an… ulterior motive to seeing you this evening.”

Celestia felt the feathers on the tips of her wings twitch, mirroring the cold, nauseous feeling swelling in her chest. Before she could protest, Vandal continued.

“The truth is, when I first saw your profile online I was intrigued. In name you are the leader of an entire nation, but ostensibly your control of the sun makes you the de facto ruler of your entire world. Only a fool would dare oppose your power.”

Celestia shook her head. “I would never—”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Vandal cut her off, “and that is what interests me… and concerns me.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “Throughout my life I have seen the rise and fall of hundreds, maybe thousands of kingdoms and empires. Always, the ones that were based on fairness and kindness were the first to fall. It was the cutthroats, the deceivers, and the vicious who endured the longest, and I became convinced that fear and the threat of violence was the true path to everlasting stability, if one only had the strength of will to maintain it.

“But then I learned of your world; a world where peace and happiness has reigned for as long as you have. I conducted some additional research, and learned a great deal about Equestria. Surely there must be some secret trick to your long tenure, I thought. If I could uncover what manner of control you had over your population, I could no doubt turn it to my own advantage here on Earth.

“The last thing I expected was to find that there was no trick. You had no heavy-handed secret police force, no subliminal propaganda campaign. There was no massive military at your beck and call or hidden superweapons hanging over everyone’s heads. Well, aside from the sun itself, I suppose, but it was never wielded as such even though you had the power to do so.”

“Not directly, no,” Celestia admitted, “although there was a time when my sister attempted to take over Equestria by using her control of the Moon to make the night last forever.”

“The incident with Nightmare Moon; I know of it,” Vandal nodded. “Even then, you chose not to end your sister’s life but to banish her until a way could be found to redeem her; a far more humanitarian solution than I would have ever considered. And it worked."

“The more I learned about Equestria, the more I started to question my own long-standing beliefs. You were able to forge an empire that lasted over a thousand years based on kindness and hope, while all my attempts to control the world have always ended in dismal failure. I began to wonder if I had been wrong. Was there really better way? Had I been hurting people all this time, convincing myself that it was for humanity’s own good when all along it was nothing but needless violence to serve my own ego?”

“Vandal…” Celestia said softly, offering her hoof and having her date gently accept it again.

“I decided that the only way know for sure was to meet you. I wanted to see if the person—I mean, the pony, lived up to the example she seemed to set.” Vandal’s soft smile returned for the first time since before their dessert had been ordered. “And I have to say, I am far from disappointed. You are as kind-hearted and gracious as your reputation implies. You’ve shown me that a better way is possible, and I am truly humbled that you were willing to spend this evening with a short-sighted, egotistical man like myself.”

Celestia felt the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, but had not the presence of mind to bother drying them. Instead, she just stared. Her heart was in her throat and she couldn’t for the life of her look away.

“Vandal Savage, that is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a very, very long time. Thank you.” She leaned forward and was pleased to see Vandal doing the same just before she closed her eyes.

The sound of shattering glass and the panicked screams of the other restaurant patrons startled them both an instant before their lips met. The large windows at the front of the restaurant had been smashed inward, and the pair looked on with wide eyes as a colorful cavalcade of costumed heroes flew in through the opening.

“Stop right there, Savage!” Superman said, as he floated on the ground, flanked by Wonder Woman and the Green Lantern John Stewart. Just behind them, Shayera Hol, formerly known as Hawk Girl, and the Martian Manhunter J’onn J’onzz landed as well. A dark shape that proved to be none other than Batman leaped into the dining room as the red-and-yellow streak of the Flash completed the team of assembled heroes.

“Vandal?” Celestia’s eyes flicked back and forth among the seven newcomers. “What’s going on?”

“Well, if it isn’t my old friends, the Justice League,” Vandal said with just a hint of annoyance coloring his voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

“Can it, Savage,” Green Lantern said. “Did you think we wouldn’t detect the massive radiation surge that wormhole device of yours kicked out?”

“Or that we would not be able to sense an alien being with a mind as powerful as the one you have summoned to our world?” the Martian Manhunter added.

“Not to mention all the weird reports of people who saw you strolling around town with a big talking unicorn,” Flash chipped in, taking a full account of Celestia for the first time. “Hey, it’s got wings too. Do unicorns normally have wings?”

“Why are you looking at me?” the winged Shayera asked, to which the Flash only shrugged.

“No reason.”

“Getting a little off topic here,” Batman silenced the others. “Whatever your game is this time Savage, it’s over. We’re putting you in jail and sending your ‘friend’ here back where it came from.”

“I have a name, you know,” Celestia said, standing and flaring her wings. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria.”

“Hey, that rhymes!” Flash said, only to be answered by glares from nearly everyone in the room. “Sorry.”

“So you’re looking for allies in other dimensions now, are you?” Wonder Woman crossed her arms. “Did you finally run out of people you could deceive here in our world?”

“I’m not trying to deceive anyone,” Vandal said. “I’m simply enjoying an evening on the town with a new friend. I’ll admit, the radiation from my quantum displacement device was probably enough to disrupt a few satellites for a moment or two, and for that I apologize, but until someone makes interdimensional travel illegal, I fail to see how any of this warrants the disruption of my personal life.”

“Your personal life?” Shayera echoed. “You’re a mass murdering megalomaniac who’s tried to take over the world so many times we’ve stopped keeping track; what kind of personal life could you possibly have?”

“I’d think that you and Green Lantern of all people would be able to figure out the answer to that,” Vandal crossed his arms over his chest, and two former lovers exchanged embarrassed glances.

“Wait, you’re trying to make it with an alien horse? Ew!” Flash said.

“You’re not making the three other aliens in the room feel particularly welcome, Flash,” J’onn deadpanned.

“Enough!” Superman said. “We know you’re up to something, Savage, and whatever it is, we’re not going to let you get away with it. You’re coming with us.” The Man of Steel took a step forward, only to find his way blocked by a white alicorn.

“Vandal has told me who you are. All of you,” she indicated the whole group of heroes with her wings. “I know that you are heroes on this world, and that Vandal has done terrible things in the past. Things which I believe he deeply regrets. I am somepony who believes in second chances, and if you really are the heroes you claim to be, I’m certain that you do as well.” Her voice softened. “I ask that you grant Vandal that chance now. Allow him to prove to you, as he has done to me, that he can change.”

The League was silent. Vandal finally rose from his seat and stood next to Celestia, who gave him a warm smile and a quick but affectionate nuzzle. Superman narrowed his eyes at the two of them and crossed his arms over his wide chest.

“I want to agree with you, Princess, I truly do. You’re right; I believe that people can be redeemed of their mistakes as well, but Vandal Savage has had more than his fair share of second chances, and every one of them has been wasted. This also isn’t the first time he’s seduced royalty to gain power. I won’t risk either of our worlds on the tiny chance that Savage isn’t just up to his old tricks.”

Vandal sighed as he reached into his jacket pocket. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Plan B it is then.”

“Vandal, what—” Celestia let out a surprised gasp as Vandal roughly grabbed her around the torso and jabbed a syringe filled with a glowing, pinkish liquid into the side of her neck. The Justice League was about to spring into action but Vandal stopped them with a click of his tongue.

“Ah, ah, ah. This syringe contains a highly potent neurotoxin I’ve developed. It might even be strong enough to kill me, so I’d hate to see what it will do to the Princess if I’m forced to inject it.” Superman and the other heroes took a slow step backwards, and Vandal sneered. “That’s better.”

“What are you doing? I thought that...” Celestia trailed off, her eyes wide with confusion. Vandal looked at her, and she practically didn’t recognize him. Gone were the soft, doubt-riddled eyes of man she had spent her evening with, and in their place were malicious hate and pure condescending arrogance the likes of which she had never seen before. That nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach was back in full force.

“I’m truly sorry about this, Celestia,” he whispered in her ear, “but I’m afraid Superman is exactly right. I was hoping to trick you into helping me take over the world, but now it seems I’ll have to use the direct approach.”

“Let her go, Savage!” Green Lantern shouted, his ring glowing with energy at he trained it on the villain. Vandal ignored him.

“It’s going to take me much longer to learn how to duplicate your sun-controlling powers without your cooperation, but then it’s not as though you or I are really pressed for time, are we?” Celestia shook her head, or would have if the sharp pain in the side of her neck didn’t remind her that such a motion was probably a bad idea.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” she hissed “You’ve just got to be kidding me!”

“We’re not letting you leave with her as your hostage, Savage,” Superman assured as the rest of the League spread out to block any potential exit. “There’s no way out.”

“On the contrary,” Vandal said with an evil grin as he let go of Celestia’s torso and slipped another small device from his pocket, “my new quantum displacement transporter doesn’t just rip holes between dimensions: it can send me anywhere in the galaxy. It also comes with a handy remote and a wide-beam setting big enough for two. Ta-ta for now, Justice League.”

He raised the device and was about to press the button when it was suddenly enveloped in a yellow light and ripped from his grip. Before he could register anything other than surprise, the syringe was likewise pushed away from Celestia’s neck, and despite his best efforts the plunger remained firmly in place. As soon as the needle was clear of her coat, the syringe was thrown to the floor where it shattered, the deadly toxin staining the carpet harmlessly. The remote exploded in midair, shrapnel peppering Vandal as he raised a hand to shield his face. Too late, he took notice of the same yellow light pulsing along his sleeve as he was yanked into the air and found himself floating face to muzzle with a very, very perturbed alicorn princess.

“I am so sick,” Celestia said as she stared into Vandal’s eyes, “I am completely and utterly sick of this! I have had so many bad dates in the past few months, all of them ending in disaster! And the ones I told you about? They’re just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been attacked, insulted, humiliated, nearly killed more than once, and worst of all, I’ve had my heart broken!”

The room began to shake and tremble as Celestia’s rage grew, and while restaurant staff and patrons had long since fled, the Justice League stood their ground, not quite sure what to make of the situation and exchanging worried glances.

“And you want to know what the worst part is?” she continued. “You. You deceptive, manipulative, self-important and heartless little hairless ape! You deserve the name ‘Vandal Savage’, you animal! You came here with the explicit intent of taking advantage of me; to use me for your own violent ends! At least most of my other dates, even the crude and offensive ones, were actually interested in me!” As she spoke, tears began to wet her cheeks. “Everything you said was a lie. This whole evening was a lie.”

“I lie to everyone, Princess,” Vandal replied, a touch of strain in his voice from the magic that was currently constricting his ribcage. “Don’t blame me for being true to my own nature.”

Celestia’s watery eyes widened, and with an uncharacteristic snarl she flung her date across the room, slamming him into the restaurant’s far wall with enough force to bring part of it down on top of him. Her head hanging low, she took her time slowly trotting over to where he had fallen.

“Uh… should we stop her, maybe?” Green Lantern asked.

“No,” Wonder Woman and Shayera answered in perfect unison.

“I’ve got some work to do back in Gotham,” Batman turned and vanished into the shadows.

“Ten bucks on the alien princess!” Flash said as he zipped back into the room from the kitchen carrying a partially-devoured plate of hor d'oeuvres.

Celestia looked down on the small pile of rubble as it settled, shaking her head sadly. “I’m so tired of this… I feel like I’ve become the universe’s personal emotional punching bag, and I can’t stand it anymore.”

The debris shifted as a bleeding Vandal Savage pushed his way out from under the bricks and plaster with a pained grunt. His right arm hung limply at his side, twisted at an unnatural angle, but within seconds it began to move and shift. Celestia watched with a combination of revulsion and curiosity as the bones in his arm snapped loudly back into place, the bruises faded and the cuts on his face healed before her eyes.

A surprisingly devious grin crept onto her face.

“Members of the Justice League,” she called over her shoulder, her eyes never leaving Vandal. “May I borrow Mr. Savage for a little bit?”

“Given the circumstances, I suppose we really should allow the two of you to finish your date,” Superman smirked and crossed his arms, “but as soon as it’s over we’ll be back to take Savage into custody.”

“We could just let her keep him,” Shayera offered.

“Oh, I have no intention of spending any more time in this monster’s company than is necessary,” Celestia said. “You can have him back… as soon as I’m done with him, that is.”

“Then we’ll leave you to it,” Superman said before turning and flying right back out the window the heroes had entered through.

“Hera help you, Vandal Savage,” Wonder Woman offered as she too took to the sky. “I have a feeling you’re going to need it.”

“You kids have fun!” Flash waved before whooshing off into the night after the rest of the League.

With the two of them now alone in the restaurant, Vandal glared up at Celestia as she wrapped her magic around him once again and forced his body into a sitting position.

“So what now, Princess?” he sneered. “Are you planning to banish me somewhere until I learn the error of my ways? Or perhaps you’ll have one of your little ponies take me into their home and try to reform me?”

“Not this time, Mr. Savage,” Celestia grinned as her wings flared and her magical grip on him tightened. “No, I have something entirely different planned for you.”

Vandal’s eyes widened as the alicorn’s shadow loomed over him.

“Oh dear.”


“Sister!” Luna cried. “I cannot believe what I am hearing! Certainly this Vandal Savage was a cruel and evil man, but does that justify beating and repeatedly maiming him in some kind of… sadistic form of stress relief?” The two of them sat at a small table on Celestia’s balcony, enjoying a light breakfast as the elder alicorn related the events of the previous evening.

“Oh, please, Luna, I did nothing of the sort,” Celestia said, calmly taking another sip of her tea. “I simply hog-tied him using some towels from the restaurant’s kitchen and strung him up to the dining room’s surprisingly sturdy ceiling fan.” She hesitated, glancing to one side as she lowered her voice. “Which I set to ‘high’ before I left.”

“That’s hot,” Deadpool said, as he emerged from Celestia’s room wearing a pink apron and carrying a tray of scrambled eggs. “Y’know, this Randal Babbage guy—”

“Vandal Savage,” Celestia corrected.

“Right, Bramble Cabbage,” he said, seting the tray down between the royal sisters and pulled up a chair for himself. “He ain’t the only one around who can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. If you ever need to break some bones and blow off some steam, Celly, I’m your man.”

“You only say that because you’d get off on it,” Luna said from behind her teacup, and Deadpool threw up his hands in defeat.

“Okay, okay. Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

With that, an amicable silence fell over the three as they continued their meal.

“What about just the hog-tied ceiling fan thing?”