//------------------------------// // ...To The Chariot Ride To My Home // Story: Twilight Sparkle Goes To Hell // by Dr Atlas //------------------------------// “So let me get this straight...You know everything about-” “Every. Dang. Thing.” Twilight reeled back in astonishment. “How can you-” “Because life reports must be kept up to date in order for the afterlife to know where the souls will be going when they turn over.” The Devil continued to smile. “Afterlife?” Twilight asked. “I think Purgatory was another name for it, either way, every place must know the state the soul is in in order for us to know where they’ll be ending up. It all depends on their grade.” “Grade?” Twilight was trying her best to understand all of this, but it was becoming too ridiculous to make sense. “They must have a karma grade above a sixty-nine percent in order for them to not be here,” He pointed down. “but instead be up there.” He then pointed up and leaned back in his seat, keeping a tight grip on his wine glass. "How does that work?" Twilight asked. The Devil smiled. "Well, all mortals start off with a hundred percent karma grade, but with every action that is deemed hell worthy, they lose a percentage judging on how bad it was. They can get it back if they do something good though, for example, when you first got to that little town of yours, you were acting like you didn't want any friends, that dropped ya down a bit." Twilight gasped. "I-It did?" The Devil rolled his eyes. "Oh please, it wasn't that much, it was like a point zero zero three percent drop, but when you killed moon-" "You mean defeated." "No, killed, we're in Hell princess, defeat equals killed, its not a fiddle contest, anyway, when you killed her and made all those friends of yours, you got your grade raised to about a seven percent, making your overall at." He thought about it for a bit. "one hundred and thirty two." "I'm over a hundred?" "You were one nice kid princess." He nodded and took a sip from his glass. Twilight shifted in her seat, if the Devil knew all about the ponies lives then what about…“What about moon?” Twilight asked abruptly. “What about the moon, your mentor’s sister is in charge of that isn’t she?” “No, I mean, Nightmare moon.” Twilight started having second thoughts about asking this, perhaps it was best to not- “Oh! Her. Yeah, that mare is currently on floor twelve having so many unspeakable things done to her that the author won't even let me describe it. Serves her right for tryin' to escape.” He took a sip from his wine glass. Twilight shook her head in disbelief. “W-what?! You mean she-” “Is a completely different being from your mentors sister?...Yes, she is.” The Devil finished her sentence and continued. “Look princess, I just read what the file says, and if the file says that a soul by the name of Nightmare Moon was created a little bit before it was banished, and then a thousand years later after it was free it got killed, and it had a score in the negatives, then that soul gets a special place on floor twelve. ” He sipped from his wine glass again. This new information was becoming too much for Twilight to handle. “She got a negative score?” “Yup, pretty impressive too, she was only active for like, half a day, and she got a score of negative thirty, not to shabby for a villain, but I think that king you ran into might of beaten her for the lowest score. Twilight’s ears lit up. “Sombra? He’s here too?” The Devil shook his head. “Nope, his soul is somewhere out in the winter tundra, lucky little-” “But we blew him up,” Twilight interrupted. “His entire body was blown to smithereens.” “Yeah, but his horn was still intact, meaning that his soul hadn't crosses and that he is currently regenerating in a cave out there in the cold.” Twilight looked at him, completely flabbergasted as to what he was saying. “How do you know all of this?” The Devil took off his glasses and looked at her. “Twilight, we read every word of every sentence of every paragraph of every page of every file. If a file says that a soul with a fifty-six percent karma rate has been reincarnated into a cheese sandwich, which was then eaten, then that sandwich must be taken to hell. Understand?” “No.” Twilight said blankly. “Well, I couldn’t expect you to, though I think a certain mutant goat of yours said ‘what's the fun in making sense’ so you might as well think about it like that?” “You mean Discord?” “No,” He said sarcastically. “I mean the other mutant goat friend you have. YES HIM!” Twilight reeled back a bit after he said that, realizing that, the Devil sipped from his wine glass again. “Sorry, it's just that...It's just that I can’t wait to see that guy come here. Oh Faust will it be fun, and I’m pretty sure a thousand or so years will go by pretty fast for that guy.” The Devil was smiling more than usual. “You mean he’s coming here?” Twilight was a bit shocked by what he said. “Well duh! Of course he his.” “But he’s reformed.” The Devil put his glasses back on. “And?” “He said he wouldn’t do anything bad anymore.” “And?” “He and Fluttershy are great friends.” “And?” The Devil started to drink from his glass again. Twilight stood up from the chariot and stared down on the Devil. “He’s a good guy.” The Devil took a spit take and looked at Twilight in bewilderment. “Good? Princess please, I think it takes a lot more than some little reform to make some guy good again.” “But he’s changed.” “Oh really, how? How has he changed? Has he stopped using his powers for bad?” Twilight thought about it for a second. “Well…” “Has he helped ponies in any way.” “Yes he ha-” “When you weren’t around!” Twilight sat down on the carriage again. “I-I don’t think-” “Has he ever shown any unkindness to you or others since he was reformed.” “It’s just the way he acts.” Twilight said. “He can’t help it.” The devil rolled his glowing yellow eyes. “Oh yes he can, all it takes is a little torture.” Twilight was about to object, but the Devil drank from his glass and continued. “I’ll tell you the truth, the only way he’s gettin’ to heaven is by finding cures for very rare diseases, using his powers for good, and I mean good good, and to spread that friendship stuff that you mortals have. I could go on, but I don’t think it would help him if you’re not gonna tell him anyway.” “What do you mean, and torture is not a-” “What do you mean what do I mean. Twilight, you’re dead, remember?” Twilight could only look down and say. “Oh...yeah...right.” “So you ain’t goin’ back and tellin’ others what you saw down here, okay? Doing that could ruin us entirely, got it Twilight....Twilight?” The Devil took off his sunglasses again to see that Twilight was on the verge of tears again, he on the verge of throwing up on the side of the road. “Oh for Faust sake, look, how about I tell you about your other enemies.” Twilight sniffed. “What do you mean?" “Well, I can tell you about how Chrissy is currently suffering from a great depression right now” Twilight leapt from her seat. “What?!” “Woah, calm down, I thought that would make you happy.” “What do you mean by ‘great depression.’ Is she dead?” The Devil shook his head. “Nah she ain't dead, but we've seen death rates for her children go up ever since that Canterlot disaster thing, some of them even died during it.” “Her...Her children are dying?” Twilight said sympathetically. “Yeah, they've been starving to death since they couldn't get any love, shame really, that plan was practically their last effort at ever getting food, since everywhere else they've been has kicked them out.” The Devil started to snicker. “And...and get this, some of the ones who were bad enough to come here, said that the last thing they saw, were the crying eyes of their mother as she cradled them to ‘sleep,’ ain’t that just so cheesy.” He laughed while Twilight was still trying to process that information. Queen Chrysalis’ kind starting to become extinct, and it was practically her fault. The Devil stopped laughing and looked at his wine glass to find out that it was out of red, bubbling liquid. “I’ll tell ya princess, bein’ a mother sucks, especially if you have a lot of kids.” He stood up from the cart and yelled. “Ain’t that right Faust!?” Twilight flinched at his sudden outburst. “Who are you talking to?” The Devil threw his glass on the side of the road and slumped down on his seat. “No one.” He rubbed his eyes and sighed. “Is there anything else you want to know about how we do things here princess, we still got a lot of time till we get there.” Twilight just looked away and stared out into the abyss that was Hell. “Suit yourself.” The Devil shrugged and clapped his hooves. “EY! Imp! Get me another glass will ya?” Twilight ignored that and rested her chin on the side of the chariot, it was becoming too hard for her to get any of this, it was all starting to get too ridiculous, she just wanted to get out of here and forget this place even existed, but more importantly, she just wanted to- You will Twilights ears came into attention again. “W-who said that?” “Its just another lost soul Twilight.” Twilight turned around and went wide eyes as she saw the devil pouring blood from a decapitated goats head into his wine glass, which he then tossed on the side of the road. “Best you just ignore it.” The devil then lit it on fire, making it start to bubble, then he took a big swig from his glass. “Bleh...I’ll tell ya, this stuff might not have the best taste, but it works wonders on your body, want a taste?” With that Twilight fainted on the floor of the chariot. Leaving the devil to look at her and shrug, “More for me then, I guess." He pulled out his flat phone again and held it to his ear. "Hey...ya, its me, can you get my zombies skeletons to help carry this girl in case she doesn't wake up, and be sure to get all dozen of them, I don't want to walk either.”