//------------------------------// // The Walker That is Not in the Woods // Story: Welcome, Listeners // by MisterMoniker //------------------------------// Who are the Princesses, really? Welcome… to Ponyville. The angels were right. Listeners, if you were one of the many lucky ponies that took home a lonely and frightened Changeling to entertain the children, you may already be aware of the almost literal shadow over our fair town. Over the last few days, every single Secret Police-certified pet Changeling has been eaten, brutally murdered, or has otherwise simply disappeared. Not only has this stupefied local law enforcement and volunteers from Miss Fluttershy’s Foster Home and Animal Control, it begs the following question, listeners: did Appleloosian infiltrators steal and dismember our beloved pets as an act of petty revenge for last week’s hoofball game? Prince Shining Armor himself is coordinating an investigation with the help of his Secret Police, and shared these thoughts with us: “It is a dark day when an innocent game of hoofball incites those we once knew and trusted to acts of violence. Not just violence, citizens, but acts borne of such unspeakable hatred and savagery that we have no choice but to respond in kind. On my name as the Chief of the Secret Police, and with all the authority vested in me by not only my sovereign state but the powers of Equestria and its Shadow Government… our pets will be avenged.” More on this story as it develops, listeners. Do remember to agree to any and all services requested by a Secret Police officer if one visits your home in the night. If they’re asking; they’ve probably already taken it. Or them. Suggesting otherwise is rude. Have you seen him, listeners? The large, well-muscled red stallion with a ruddy complexion and a sprig of wheat in his mouth? Now, I know you may believe I’m talking about Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - but Old Mare Granny Smith’s angels assure our interns in the field that our favorite local grower and sower of produce is gone. This may come as a surprise to some of you, as I myself have seen a stallion that looks almost exactly but not quite entirely like Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - creeping around the windowless exterior of the Ponyville Community Radio station. Using our network of cameras, arranged for your security and the benefit of community radio, as well as the tragic loss of two interns, we have managed to collect unnecessarily grainy footage of this pseudo-Macintosh skulking about the place and generally just loitering. The nerve of some ponies, am I right? We’ve received reports from some of you, dear listeners, which have stated that both yesterday and today you’ve seen this “Macintosh” scuttling about the Ponyville Marketplace in the early hours of the morning. Yes, that’s the word that was used in all accounts: “scuttling.” How a pony the size and shape of Big Macintosh - you know, the farmer - scuttles in the first place is beyond my knowledge. Old Mare Granny Smith voiced her speculations with our intern, Sleet Swift, after a late-night conference with her angels. “Been near twenny years since we seen the likes’a that Walker ‘round these parts, missy. Last time he came by, the feller absconded with mah daughter an’ her lover! Dragged the two of ‘em, a-hootin’ an’ hollerin’ into the woods! Wasn’t fer another four months after that next I saw my darlin’ Apple Butter come a-strollin’ outta them same trees as what she disappeared into. But my angels, they knew the truth. Told me t’weren’t her, it was only tryin’ ta be her. So I fixed the problem then an’ there.” Who is this “Walker,” listeners? What dark powers does he possess? Is he real at all? We look forward to your continued assistance and input with this pressing matter. But not before the weather. Poor, poor Twilight Sparkle. Poor, ignorant, deluded, self-righteous Princess Twilight. Let me be frank, listeners. I know that you know (as we all know) that I’ve never made a secret of my dislike for our local nobility, the Crown Princess of Magic. To be clear, however, as much as she grinds my gears, she is a citizen of this town that I love so dearly. I owe her that much, at least. Princess Twilight decided, of her own volition, to visit the offices of Ponyville Community Radio last night. I was just, in fact, finishing my last broadcast for the evening when she barged through our front doors as if she owned the place. It is an easy mistake to make, I imagine, as she does technically hold sovereignty over the town and most public resources. I happily remind you, listeners, that Ponyville Community Radio is privately funded and operated and as such does not fall under her jurisdiction. Now, after storming her way through the station she approached me at my desk and requested to speak with Station Management. I tried to convince her otherwise, listeners, I truly did. Whatever love is lost between us, I respect Twilight Sparkle as a resident of Ponyville. Heedless of my warnings and requests that she speak directly with me on my continued “verbal abuse of her actions, intentions, and moral fiber,” as she put it, Princess Twilight marched herself right to the Station Management office. One last time I pleaded that she not bring this argument before Station Management themselves. Being the stubborn, if tragic, pony that she is, she ignored me and opened the doo— [The next 20 seconds of airtime are filled with piercing static, interspersed with a harsh voice coughing a series of letters: J, R, P, N, A, Q, B, O, R, G, G, R, E, Z, N, T, V, P, J, N, F, G, U, R, S, V, E, F, G.] —but have you seen Twilight’s new manecut? I have, dear listeners, and I have to admit that it’s to die for. Globular, sporty, oddly metallic… such an incredible sheen that even Miss Lyra Heartstrings’ perfect, perfect mane doesn’t imitate. Remember to compliment her on it the next time you see her. After all, she’s just… such a nice pony now. Have you ever wondered if you’re truly in control of your own destiny? Not metaphorically, but truly - as if somepony out there was simply using you as their own twisted puppet, weaving a tapestry within which you are just a single, carefully placed thread? You’re not alone. We at the Ponyville General Hospital have helped dozens of ponies just like you, and we’d like to help you, too. Come see us anytime. Simply enter the hospital, lay yourself down on one of our many comfortable de-stressing cots and relax. Just relax. This message has been brought to you by the Ponyville General Hospital board. Listeners, I’m just tickled to bring you this next bit of news: Ponyville will soon be getting its very own Neighponese garden. In fact, you can probably hear the sound of distant bulldozers and extremely qualified HAZMAT botanists working through the night on the site of Ditzy Doo’s former home. This garden, I’m told, will boast over 80 species of flora, many of which are only native to the Far East and will be magically cultivated so as to preserve their beauty year-round. It will also feature a koi pond. Do you like fish as much as I do, listeners? Let me repeat that. A koi pond. I am positively thrilled. And the best part is that it will almost certainly be accessible to the public, unlike the Pony Pet Play Park, which you should never under any circumstances go near or look at lest it stare back into you. The meeting for this week’s Simple Cipher Sampler has been moved to one of a statistically improbable number of days that may take place - or may have taken place - sometime this month. Probably. As always, every eager codecracker out there will meet at Sugarcube Corner as Madame Pinkie delves into the secrets hidden between the lines. She promises a pastry of your choice to every new member, provided you can figure out when and where to meet. You already know the where, listeners, that one’s free. If I may posit a theory here, listeners… I believe that Ponyville is the single greatest town in all of Equestria. Nowhere else can we expect such incredible commitment from our friends, neighbors, and government authorities. It’s the little things here, such as our newly renovated library and the planned Neighponese garden, that make Ponyville look beautiful on a map. It is the citizens, dear listeners - each and every one of you - that make Ponyville look beautiful to me. That’s all the time we have for tonight, listeners. You just go on ahead keeping Ponyville the beautiful place it is while I leave you with these words of wisdom. Life is never without purpose. Power is never without sacrifice. Warnings are never without horrible, terrifying, infinitely real justification. Good night, dear listeners. Good night. Today's weather is performed by the Beatles. Originally composed by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.