//------------------------------// // Guest Chapter: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just You? (Razalon The Lizardman) // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------//         “So,” Celestia said, setting down her martini glass, “you’re Lord of the Underworld where you’re from, right?”         Her date smirked. Of all the immortals Princess Celestia had dated, the one that now sat across from her was without a doubt the most eye-catching of the bunch. He was a bipedal, clearly demonic deity with purple skin and identical red tattoos over both his eyes. His hair was long and tri-colored red, green, and pink and flew in an ethereal breeze not unlike Celestia’s own. His clothing consisted of very grotesquely designed purple robes and a cape seemingly made out of darkness and fire. Red, blood vein-like lines ran up both his arms and legs, giving the appearance that his body was inside out. It took considerable effort from Celestia not to gag at his appearance.         “I see you have quite the elephant’s memory, dear Tia,” Hades replied, his voice oozing with nonchalance and smugness. “I imagine you’re interested in knowing all of what my position entails, hmm?”         “I imagine it has something to do with the souls of the departed?” Celestia inquired sarcastically as she poured herself another shot, preparing to cleanse her mind of any forthcoming unpleasantries by the cold, sweet embrace of intoxication.         Hades’ smile only widened in response. “Quite the knowledgable little princess, aren’t you, Tia?” The smugness in his tone was so great that Celestia was sure she felt her skin crawl in response. “Indeed it does, though that’s hardly worth bragging about compared to the more . . . let’s say ‘lively’ perks of being Lord of the Underworld.”         That gave Celestia pause. “Lively?” she said. “That’s . . . very ironic, I must say.”         “Indeed it is,” Hades replied coolly, propping his feet up on the table, keeping careful to avoid spilling his drink, and resting his head against his hands. “Now then, where should I start?”         “Actually,” Celestia said, getting up from her seat, “I think I’d better go.”         Hades didn’t look the slightest bit crestfallen upon hearing this from Celestia, which only reinforced his status as a god as no mere mortal could accept such a loss without first desperately asking them to stay.         “And why is that, Tia?” he asked, cocking a grin.         “Call it a hunch that something is bound to go wrong on a date with a god of the afterlife,” Celestia replied, deadpanned.          “I take it you’ve already dated some of my other dimensional counterparts,” Hades replied back, still as smug as ever. “Very well, consider those drinks on me.” Celestia just nodded and started toward the restaurant’s door. She didn’t get very far, however, when she heard Hades call out in a sing-song voice, “Oh pretty Palutena, looks like you win our little bet!” Struck by the statement’s oddity, Celestia turned back to Hades only to see him staring along the restaurant’s back wall. Following his gaze, her eyes widened in shock at what she saw. Sitting at a booth near the center were two more immortals returning Hades’ gaze. One was a humanoid female with long green hair reaching down to her lower legs and wearing a white dress with vine-like patterns on the hems and adorned with numerous gold ornaments. Around her head she wore a gold laurel crown, a red fibula on her left hip, and brown low-heels. What really shocked Celestia, however, was the all-too familiar draconequus sitting across from her. “Discord!?” she exclaimed, earning her the attention of everyone nearby. The chaotic draconequus shifted his gaze to her and smiled. “Celestia, how nice to see you here!” he called, waving his paw at her. Celestia could only dumbly wave back with her jaw slack. All of the restaurant’s patrons, having grown bored with the lack of explosions and mayhem, returned to their meals. “Oooh, so you know pretty Palutena’s date!?” Hades inquired. He quickly waved Discord and ‘Palutena’ over. After a brief exchange between the two, they relocated to the others’ booth and sat down. “Come now, Tia, let’s chat for a while longer at the very least!” Celestia, still surprised, returned to the booth and sat next to Palutena, who smiled kindly at the pony princess. “It’s nice to meet you,” she greeted, extending her hand. “I’m Lady Palutena, Goddess of Light and ruler of Angel Land.” Letting a small smile cross her features, Celestia shook Palutena’s hand with her hoof. “And I’m Princess Celestia, herald of the sun and co-ruler of Equestria with my sister, Princess Luna,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you too, Lady Palutena.” “You can call me by name alone if you’d like,” Palutena replied happily. “And you can just call me Celestia if you’d like,” the solar alicorn replied in turn. “And you can call me thirsty,” Discord piped up. He snapped his talon which summoned a glass of chocolate milk for himself. “Well hello thirsty,” Hades said, his feet still propped up on the table. “I’m Hades, Lord of the Underworld.” He extended his hand in greeting. Discord took a swig of his chocolate milk and returned the shake. “Nice to meet you too,” he replied with a grin, “and please, call me Discord.” “Since when did you start dating?” Celestia asked him, confused. “Since I heard about that little fling you had with Apep the other week,” he replied, darkly. “But believe me, there’s no shortage of fangirls who’d swoon over me.” He briefed a glance at the audience beyond the fourth wall. “A crazy lot, they all are.” Celestia stared blankly for a moment before nodding mutely and turning to Hades and Palutena. “So, what’s this about a bet between you two?” she asked them. “We made a bet to see who could last longer with their date before something inevitably went wrong,” Palutena replied, levelling a coy expression with Hades. “And since I win by forfeit, you owe me one Gaol Blade.” “As you know, pretty Palutena, I’m a god of my word,” Hades replied coolly. He waved his hand in the air which summoned a blue treasure chest with gold carvings and a halo hovering above it in front of Palutena. “Enjoy your new toy.” “I will, thank you very much,” Palutena said. She reached out to open the chest, only to retract her hand as the chest sprouted a pair of feminine-humanoid legs from the bottom. The chest rapidly kicked Palutena in the face a few times before jumping off the table. The group of four then watched as the creature proceeded to tear through the restaurant, wildly lashing out at everything, living and inanimate, in its way. Pretty soon the restaurant erupted into a chaotic frenzy of panicking patrons and airborne entrees, which did nothing but delight both Discord and Hades. “Oh ho ho!” Discord laughed, wiping a tear. “That’s too rich!” “I know,” Hades replied happily. “Mimicuties are the best tool for causing mischief.” “Oooh, think I could borrow a few sometime?” “Well, may-” The sound of Palutena clearing her throat cut their conversation.         “Aren’t you forgetting something, Hades?” she asked him.         Hades looked confused for a moment before realization struck and he summoned another chest in front of her. “Enjoy your new toy,” he said again. “Thanks,” she replied gruffly, “I will.” As the two males resumed their conversation Palutena proceeded to open the chest and pull out an oddly-shaped bladed weapon with a purple and red color scheme. She set it down by her feet as the chest disappeared into thin air and let out an exasperated breath. “Are you okay, Palutena?” Celestia asked, genuinely concerned. “Yeah, I’m okay,” she replied, then looked at Hades and Discord across from them who were too busy sharing their better trouble-making experiences to hear her. “Hades’ mischief is just hard to put up with sometimes.” “I know precisely what you mean,” Celestia replied back, and looked to them as well. “So, what made you agree to go on a date with Discord?” Palutena fidgeted in response, to which Celestia frowned in concern. “Is there something wrong, Palutena?” The Goddess of Light shook her head. “Honestly, this date was more of a therapy session for me than a romantic outing.” Celestia arched a brow. “Therapy session?” Palutena smiled sheepishly. “Let’s just say I haven’t had the best of experiences with chaos spirits in my life.” Celestia chuckled. “You and me both, Palutena.” It was at that moment that Discord used his chaos magic to give the Mimicutie jet boots, allowing it to sail through the air toward a few patrons who were trying to escape its wrath by flying away. “So, Celestia,” Palutena said, ignoring the screams of terror raining from above, “tell me about yourself. What’s it like ruling over Equestria?” Celestia smiled. “Well . . .”         “Then I told him to go to the courtyard for a ‘gift’,” Palutena said, a coy smile on her face.         “I see,” Celestia replied, sipping her martini. “Do continue.”         “So he arrives in the courtyard,” Palutena continued, “and then I grant him the gift.”         “Uh huh, uh huh,” Celestia said while nodding her head.         “And then the Hewdraw head crashes through the wall and nearly smashes him!” Palutena exclaimed.         Celestia could barely hold back her giggles as she urged Palutena to continue still.         “And that’s when I told him exactly what the ‘gift’ was; my patented monster pheromone!”         The Goddess of Light burst into a fit of laughter, soon followed by the solar alicorn as both fell over, clutching their sides. Tears streamed down their cheeks and they kicked their legs, banging the table from underneath and causing everyone’s drinks to spill over. Their dates, having stopped chatting a while ago, watched in amusement as the two females lost themselves in their laughter.         “They sure do have a lot in common, don’t they?” Discord mused, summoning a replacement chocolate milk and taking a gulp.         “I wholeheartedly agree,” Hades replied, smirking.         At that moment the Mimicutie zipped by their table, chasing a couple more patrons whose screams were drowned out by the merry laughter coming from the two trolls sitting across from the two pranksters.