Chapter 2 - No Rest For the Wicked
By: Red Angel
Black and red. Everything is black and red, shadowy shapes enacting familiar scenes against a blood-colored backdrop. I am in a cave, hunched over a small body, helplessly pinned under me, one hand around her throat, the other a fist pulling back, preparing to strike.
A flash of white. I am in a forest, grappling with a figure on the ground. She tries to fight me off, I grab one of her wings in my hands. A tomboyish voice begs me to stop.
"Anon, no, don't!" I squeeze, a loud pop echoes through the trees.
I am in a cave, my fist comes down. She let's out a small cry, almost completely buried under the booming thunder outside. I raise my fist again.
A campsite. A fire is burning, a mare lies in the dirt screaming, her horn lies in the palm of my hand. She begs me to give it to her.
"They can reattach it!", she screams. I throw the horn into the campfire.
I am in a cave, my fist comes down again.
A unicorn lies on her stomach, my knee pressing into her spine. Her long mane has been cut off, small ugly patches of hair is all that remains. I am holding a measuring tape in my hands. I place it around her neck. I put pressure on my knee as I start pulling back.
My fist strikes once more. I hear crying.
A pegasus is lying on a table, a pleading look through crossed teary eyes. She asks me; why her? She says we were friends. I lean over her, rubbing my hand slowly through her fur. She is soft. Soon she'll be screaming.
I am in a cave. My knuckles are covered in blood. She lies there, crying and bleeding. So helpless. So innocent. I will take that away. I want her, here and now. I reach down and grab at the edge of my pants.
A stallion lies tied up on the floor, his eyes are glazed and lifeless, broken by his failure to protect both his sister and now his wife. I laugh at him and turn back to the mare on the bed.
I am in a cave, there's a storm outside, a pegasus lies on the cold dirt, hiding her bruised face under her mane. I pull her closer. Placing my lips next to her ear, I whisper to her.
"I love you."
I thrash around on the floor as I wake up screaming. My body is bruised and my face is covered in equal amounts sweat and tears. I lift my upper body from the floor, the room is spinning and I feel sick to my core. If I had any food in my stomach I would already be lying in a pool of vomit by now.
"Damn it..." I clench my fists, the dried cuts in my bloodstained palms sting but I ignore them as I lower my head down to rest on my arm. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Just one night. Can't I have just one goddamn night!? Please!" I scream out to nobody. I grab for the closest thing next to me, a glass bottle. In my head I imagine it as the bottle that gave me away to Twilight and Applejack yesterday, and I throw it with as much strength as I can muster. It breaks against the wall, leaving a dark stain on it and shards of glass on the floor. My show of impotent rage doing absolutely nothing to quell the phantoms that torment my mind.
My eyes widen as the stain appears to shift in front of me, its color turning into a deep red as it grows outward along the wall like tendrils of blood. I hear a buzzing, it's coming from all around me. The blood has formed a strange pattern along my wall, like gnarled roots, and is starting to spread along the other walls and the ceiling. My whole body is shaking, I can't move, only stare in abject terror. I can swear I am hearing screaming and crying from the shadows, mixing with the incessant buzzing, getting louder and louder, until it is deafening.
My head feels like it's going to split open, I grab it with my hands as I throw it back, standing on my knees as I claw at my ears and scream. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts, it's like a storm inside of me, threatening to tear me apart. My nightmares are replaying so clearly in my mind it's like I can see them in front of my eyes. I just keep on screaming as the line between reality and dream seem to blur. The room is pulsating, the dark tendrils like veins pumping blood to a heart. I squeeze my eyes shut.
"Please! Someone help me!"
Then, suddenly, all falls silent. I almost fall over from exhaustion as the building pressure finally relents. I open my eyes, scanning the room with panicked darting eyes, nothing remaining of the horrible vision except the debris from the bottle. I am breathing quickly, with trembling breaths and I'm in a cold sweat. I quickly crawl over to the closest corner, curling up and hugging the wall, waiting for whatever will come next, but nothing happens.
I start crying.
It takes more then three hours for me to calm myself down. The sun is up now. I'm still on the floor, my whole body limp as I'm leaning against the wall. This is it, my sanity is gone, I am now officially insane.
You don't say, when was the last time you were sane? I suppose it's just caught up with me at last. What the hell am I supposed to do now? There is no place to hide anymore. Before, I could stave off the nightmares, so long as I didn't sleep, but now I see them even when I'm awake. Is this going to keep happening? How long until I lose the last pieces of my mind and I'm reduced to a brain dead vegetable?
I think back to last night. I was not thinking clearly, no shit, and I regret some of the things I said. I regret shouting at them. I don't think what I said was wrong, but I didn't want to put the blame on them. They've suffered enough because of me, last thing I want is to add guilt to that suffering.
I do wonder though, if this is what my life is now, if you could call it that, then is it really worth the struggle? I've never considered just... ending it all, if so I would have done it long ago. Yet isn't that what I've been doing? Slowly killing myself through starvation and sleep deprivation. The more I think about it, the more certain I become that I gave up long ago. I straight up said so to Applejack yesterday when she pleaded for me to seek help. She said I would die otherwise. My answer? "Good."
Good.
I keep thinking of Applejack. She was so different yesterday. Well, she's been different for almost a year, but this was a different different, if that makes any sense. Nowadays whenever I think 'Applejack', I think 'resentful'. She has a right to be, even if she doesn't do it deliberately. Yesterday though... I could buy Twilight being worried for my health, despite her apprehension towards me, but I had pretty much given up on Applejack ever being able to see anything but the monster who violated her in her own barn when she looks at me. Yet she was so upset when she saw the pitiful state I'm in, she even cried a little. Maybe I really did end up guilt-tripping her. I don't dare to think she might actually be starting to truly forgive me. If I do and I'm wrong... It would probably destroy me.
But... What if I'm right?
Don't be stupid, what good is there in hoping for the impossible?
Is it really impossible though? I mean, if she really could forgive me...
Haven't I already traveled that road before? Just look where that has lead me.
Still... I miss her, I miss all of them.
Stop, just stop. Why am I sitting here, leading myself on like this and... and I'm having an argument with myself... Great... This certainly doesn't do anything to disprove the whole 'crazy' thing. I let out a long sigh and put the palm of my hand against my forehead, rubbing my temples with my thumb and fingers. Even if Applejack could forgive me, it would not change the minds of the other ponies in this town, least of all her family.
I climb up to my feet, using the wall for support. It's a struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as yesterday, the room only spins for a few seconds this time. I move over to one of the windows and part the curtains ever so slightly, just enough to look outside without anyone seeing me in the window, the light outside is blinding at first, my eyes having grown accustomed to the dark, and I have to rub my eyes to fight away the blur so I can see. The town is starting to wake up, ponies coming out of their homes, mares and stallions making their way to work, colts and fillies walking to school. A young mare wearing sweatbands is taking her daily morning exercise run around the town. An elderly stallion is hobbling his way in the direction of the park, carrying a small paper bag of bird feed in his mouth. Ponies of all shapes and sizes. coming and going from different directions to different destinations, going about their business, but with one thing in common.
Every time they pass by my house, their behavior changes, even more so this day for some reason. They make sure to never get too close, casting nervous glances, or even stop and stare with fearful eyes at my home, others doing their best to outright ignore it, scuttling by with their eyes glued to the ground. The foals gawk, their parents spurring them to keep walking, warning them to stay away. Sometimes two or more ponies will stop and whisper among themselves, pointing at my home, gossiping about the dangerous creature that lives there. And every single one of them has that look, the look of fear and disgust, the one that constantly reminds me how they never have, and never will forget. For the longest time I was just waiting for the day they would just run me out of town and get it over with, but for some reason that day never came. Maybe they are just too scared of me still, the single human in all of Equestria, who held their town in a grip of terror.
I let go of the curtain and walk away from the window. How could I hope to ever change their perception of me? To them, Anonymous the human is gone, all that's left is a monster that looks like him. Maybe it really would be better to just...
A knocking brings me out of my thoughts. I look towards my front door, my eyes trying to pierce through it, wondering who is on the other side, though before I can even guess I let that question go unanswered. I don't really care. I can't deal with this right now.
"Go away!", I shout at whoever is behind that door, my voice is still very hoarse if not more so, all my screaming during my nightmarish episode today thoroughly negating any recovery my voice could have received during my restless sleep. More knocking. Whoever it is isn't giving up. I walk over to the door, place my fingers around the lock and turn. A click signaling that the door is now locked.
It's quiet for a few seconds, then more knocking, louder and more forceful. When I still don't open, a voice, bearing a distinct southern drawl, calls out.
"Anon! Ah ain't leaving! Open the door or Ah'll keep pounding 'till it falls off its hinges!"
"Applejack?" The knocking stops.
"Yeah, it's me." She has lowered her voice, keeping it at a level where I can hear her through the door without shouting. "I..." She stammers. "Ah wanna talk to ya. Can ya let me in?" I get the sneaking suspicion that what she wants to talk about involves what happened yesterday. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?
"I'd rather not..."
"Please. Ah have some things Ah need to say, then Ah'll leave, I promise, just... Just let me in... Please."
Why is she talking like that? She's almost desperate. The past year it was clear she wanted as little to do with me as possible, the only times I ever saw her was when she accompanied someone else, she would never see me of her own volition. So why the sudden change? I kinda expected her to be here to tell me off for my behavior, how I shouted at her and Twilight, bringing them both to tears. Yet... Shouldn't she sound more angry then?
"Anon?" She's so quiet I almost don't register her voice through the door. I don't know how long I've stood here debating with myself. I don't have the strength to fight, to have voices raised and either of us hurt the other. I should just insist she leave...
"Is anyone with you?"
"No."
"..."
"..."
"Give me a few seconds." I relent with a sigh. I turn around and make my way to the kitchen, it's condition comparable with the living room, a concoction of disgusting sights and smells. I walk over to the sink and turn it on, the water being the only thing in this entire house that's still clean. Placing my hands under the stream of cool water I scrub off the dried blood from my palms as best as I can, leaving only the small red cuts from my nails the only remaining evidence.
I turn off the water, walk back into the living room and scan my floor, spotting my blanket I move over to pick it up. Considering their reaction to my sickly body I should probably cover myself up. No need to traumatize anyone even more. I drape the blanket over my shoulders and pull it around my body as I make my way back to the door. I lift my hand but stop, hesitating. A last chance to back out and spare ourselves some pain.
I unlock the door, twist the handle and slowly pull it open. An orange cowpony is standing there, her head tilting upwards to meet my eyes as the door opens, a sad smile on her lightly freckled face. Beside her on the ground sits a basket, its contents covered by a piece of cloth, apple-patterned of course. She is a little dark around the eyes and have a few disheveled strands of hair springing out from her mane. Applejack has always been a morning-pony, rising early in the day, even before the sun sometimes, and she's always full of vigor, ready for a hard days work. What could make a pony as strong as her look so weary?
"Hey ya." Her greeting is halfhearted, but it's more than I've ever gotten from her since... that day. I look down at the ground, breaking our eye contact. I don't greet her back, I just turn around and walk back in to the living room, gesturing for her to follow me inside.
"Come on in. I should warn you though, the smell hasn't improved since yesterday," I stop and turn to her when I'm in the center of the room. She is carrying the basket in her mouth, her nose scrunching up as she takes a whiff of the putrid air. She didn't close the door behind her, probably to let some light and fresh air in, though it might also be to ensure a quick way out. Not that she would need it, the state I'm in, she could break me in half without trying. She sets the basket down on the floor and look around the room with a frown.
"Yeah, Ah can tell." She gives me one of those worried looks again as she scans my face. "Did ya... um... Did ya get any sleep after we left?" I absentmindedly scratch my arm, trying to think about what I should say, how truthful I should be.
"Not a lot." She tilts her head slightly.
"How much?"
"Maybe two hours, I don't know." She lowers her eyes, a hint of sadness visible in them.
"Why so little?" She asks. "Like Twi said, ya need rest." I shake my head.
"It's not a question of not wanting to sleep, Applejack" A half-truth, as long as the nightmares persist I don't ever want to sleep again. "It's just that... I can't."
"Nightmares?" I nod. "Bad?" I nod again and avert my eyes. I hear her sigh before she continues.
"Ah talked to a few ponies on my way here. They said they could hear ya'll scream through the night, like the gates of Tartarus itself had been opened." I look at her, surprised. So I was heard. That would explain why everyone seemed to be even more frightened by my home than usual this day. It also occurs to me that even though I was heard no one was inclined to see what was happening with me. That revelation does not come as a surprise though. I take a deep breath and once again avert my eyes. I decide not to mention that it was not the nightmares that was the cause of my screaming.
"They get pretty... Intense. I wake up drenched in cold sweat, my heart pounds like crazy, I feel sick and I just..."
"Ya just feel like ya don't dare to go back to sleep, 'cause the nightmares are just waiting." Applejack finishes my sentence with a sympathetic look on her face. My eyes dart back to her and I can only stare dumbfounded. "So ya do have the same nightmares as the rest of us." For the briefest moment I felt more understood than I have in a long time.
We look at each other, then to the floor. An awkward silence descends on the room as we just stand there for a while. She lightly kicks one of her front hooves around, slightly scraping at the floorboards, her ears laid back against her head. I rub the back of my neck, trying to look at anything but the mare in front of me as I clear my throat.
"Listen, A..." I almost call her by her nickname, 'AJ', but stop myself. I lost that privilege long ago. "Applejack, about yesterday..."
"Wait." She holds up her hoof, stopping me. "Anon, before anything else Ah need to speak my mind." She gives me a determined look, steeling herself for what she was about to say. I give her a nod.
"Can we sit down?" She asks. I nod again and walk over to the small coffee table in the room and sit myself down on it. Applejack follows and sits down on the floor in front of me, but not too close, keeping a little bit of distance between us. She leans to her side and looks past me at something.
"Something wrong with the couch?" I follow her eyes and look at the furniture in question, the couch I practically have been living in, covered in sweat and who knows what else.
"You don't want to get too close to it, trust me." I turn back to her. She mouths a silent "Oh" and gives a few nods of her head. She then closes her eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths, preparing herself before she looks at me again with determination.
"Ah did not sleep much either last night. Ah've been thinking, about these past months and what ya said last night." She takes off her hat and holds it close to her chest, rubbing her hoof nervously along its brim. "Anon, ya were right. Ah said Ah forgave ya, and Ah did, Ah swear! But... Ah couldn't let go of what had happened. Every time Ah looked at ya, it was like... Ah don't know... Like Ah was back in that barn on that day again. Ah just couldn't stop thinking about what happened to me there. Ah tried to shut it out and the only way Ah could was to shut you out.
"Ah didn't even think about it, Ah just needed to put the blame on something... And Ah put it on you, because..." Her voice begins to quiver and there are tears in her eyes. "Because that's all Ah could think of whenevah Ah saw yer face. Ah just wanted it all gone, the memories, the nightmares... You... Ah've tried to be strong, Ah've always taken care of ma'self, tried to deal with mah own problems, but evah since that day, whenever Ah talk to other ponies Ah could see it in their eyes, Ah was a victim... Ah hated it... Even today, when Ah heard about the ruckus ya'll had been making, Ah asked why nopony bothered to check in on ya and they just looked at me like Ah was crazy. They were scared, yes, but Ah think they were more surprised that Ah was worried about ya... Like it was insane of me to be, because Ah was one of yer 'victims'." She sighs and lowers her head, the tears in her eyes finally breaking loose and starting to drip down her face.
"Except Ah've realized that Ah wasn't. Ah wasn't your victim, but to... whatevah it was that was controlling ya. Ah knew this, but how do ya blame something ya can't even see? Back then it was so easy to hate ya for what happened, because we thought you were to blame. Then we find out that you weren't, that there was more going on then we knew. Suddenly it got so complicated, Ah couldn't understand where you ended and 'it' began. It wasn't you doing those things and yet it was, it is so unfair to ya, Ah know, but it was you, but it wasn't and... Dang it, Ah'm going in circles even now just thinking about it! It was all just so confusing.
"What Ah'm trying to say is; Ah knew ya really weren't to blame... But I kept doing it, without thinking, without realizing what it was doing to ya, how much it was hurting ya... How Ah was hurting ya... Because it was easier, more convenient to hide from the pain then to face it, to face you." Applejack raises her head again, remorseful eyes filled with tears looking at my face, my own eyes threatening to overflow as well.
"Anon, Ah've been a horrible friend... Ah've wronged you and Ah'm so, so sorry... All of us forgot that there was one more victim in all of this... And Ah know Ah don't deserve it but... Can ya ever forgive me?"
I don't know if my face could be better described as surprised or outright disbelieving. I just stare at her. I keep thinking that this is a dream and soon I'll wake up or it will shift in to a nightmare. Or... Maybe my hallucination never stopped, maybe I'm still just seeing things, my own mind dangling my hopes in front of me before hitting me with horrible visions once more.
This feels real though, but it can't be... Can it? I keep opening my mouth, trying to say something, only to have it close as nothing comes out. Applejack's face begins to fall when I don't answer her, averting her eyes to the side and letting out a long trembling sigh. No, you idiot! This is what you've been waiting for for so long, Maybe things can change, or maybe they cannot, but I just won't stand to see her crying anymore right now.
"Applejack..." Her teary eyes snap back to me, a barely visible glint of hope building up in them. "You have nothing to be forgiven for." My answer makes her face twist into a look of confusion and disbelief.
"Anon, ya know that ain't true!" She begins to protest, I hold up my hand to stop her. It's my time to explain.
"Applejack... It's been unbelievably hard living here since those days, it's true. To be feared and ostracized due to things outside my control, because I'm the face of those fears. But I can understand them, it's the same way I feel whenever I look at myself. Like you said, it's easier to put the blame on me then on some faceless entity we can't see. So if you think for a second that what I want is your guilt or your apologies, then you are truly mistaken." Her eyes widen a bit as her face becomes nonplussed, not sure of my meaning. I can feel a few tears slide down my cheeks. "All I ever wanted was your acceptance, to be judged for who I am and not for the actions of some demon using my face."
Applejack looks at me for a while, an expression I can only describe as a mix of surprise and sympathy as my words sink in to her. She lowers her gaze a bit, shuffling her hat around in her hooves as her face falls into a sad look.
"That will be hard for most ponies... Even for us who were yer friends... We've held on to these feelings for so long now."
"I know..."
"But that doesn't mean we should just give up!" Applejack props her hat on top of her head and stands up on all fours again, her face drawn into a serious expression. "Anon, all of us have to heal from what happened, but ya don't need to face this alone. Ah have a lot to own up to and Ah want to help you overcome this as well. It'll take time, yeah, and it'll probably hurt more before it gets better, but like mah granny used to say; "ya can't expect a wound to heal if you let it fester". Ah want to be able to let all of this go, fer real this time and fer both of our sakes." Her face softens and she looks pleadingly into my eyes. "But I want you to heal yer own wounds too."
"Applejack..." I sigh and shake my head. "Even if we could put this behind us, the rest of the ponies in this town would still be afraid of me, I told you I can't face them anymore. What guarantee do I have that anything will get better?" She gives a ponderous look to the floorboards before meeting my eyes again.
"Ah don't think life's 'bout guarantees, Anon, anything can go wrong, we've seen that. It's about doing what we can to make it work. And cooping yerself up in here ain't makin' anypony less scared of ya, they're more scared now then ever. Nopony knows what yer up to and it's got them spooked. Besides, Ah'm not saying ya should run out on the street and proclaim yer desire to make friends with everypony. Baby steps, Anon. Baby steps." A small smile forms on her lips as she looks at me with kind eyes. The hairs on my arms stand up from this unusual sight these days. I let another sigh escape me as I think about her words. So even if I seclude myself it won't make the ponies stop fearing me or at least forget about me? I'm still apprehensive about all of this. To be denied for so long just to suddenly have an opportunity practically dropped in front of me, it seems too good to be true.
I'm scared, I'm not too proud to admit.
"How?" I finally ask. Applejack's smile widens a bit. She then turns and walks over to the basket she'd brought with her.
"Well, first of all." She grabs the cloth with her teeth and pulls it off, folds it with her hooves and lays it over her back. Inside the basket is a pile of... Juice boxes? ''Sweet Apple Acres' Freshly Made Apple Juice Made from 100% fresh apples from Sweet Apple Acres'' is printed along with the picture of a big red apple on the side of all of them, along with a small plastic straw attached to it. I raise one of my eyebrows as I give her a questioning look. "It's all Ah could get mah hooves on before the stores opened!" She says defensively. I almost smile. Almost.
"So what's with the juice boxes?"
"Well, Ah stopped by the library to talk to Twilight 'bout yesterday. Turns out she hadn't followed her own advice, she'd been up all night trying to find a way to help ya." She again gives me one of those worried looks. I uncomfortably shift around a bit on the table. None of them could sleep because of me? This is not what I had wanted.
"Help me how?"
"How else does Twilight help anypony? By burying herself in books, that's how. Ah found her practically buildin' a fort out of books as she kept flippin' through them. Had to scream in her ear before she noticed me." This does draw a short chuckle out of me. Classic Twilight. "In any case, we were talking about how to help ya, and the first thing was to try and get something inside of ya." She gives a disapproving look to my starved body before continuing. "Twi said yer in no condition for solid food, so ya'll have to make do with liquid for a time, either water or fruit juice was fine so Ah went back to the farm and grabbed myself some of these." She lifts up one of the juice boxes in her hoof, grabbing it in that strange way with hooves that only the ponies themselves know how they do it.
"Twi wanted to come too, but Ah convinced her to stay and get some rest, said Ah would get it done and Ah had at least gotten a few hours of sleep, unlike her." She looks away. "Also, Ah wanted to talk to ya alone, to get those things off of mah chest."
"Applejack. That I'm not eating is a symptom, not the cause of the problem. How will juice fix me?" I eye the juice box in her hoof, I can only vaguely recall that I used to find them delicious, but the thought of food in any form still makes me cringe and my stomach to shift uncomfortably. "And I don't think your family will like the idea of you just giving these away to me." She gets a very serious expression on her face, full of resolve.
"They'll just have to deal with it. This is mah choice." Her face softens. "And Ah know this won't fix the real problem, but we won't even get the chance if ya starve to death first. Ya have to heal your body as well as yer soul."
"And how will I do that?"
"Twilight's got something planned. Ah won't pretend to understand half of what she said, but it seemed to involve a lot of talking," typical, "but it wasn't a lecture. She'll have to explain it herself when she's done figuring it out. So... What do ya say?" She gives me another soft smile, a mixture of hope and worry in her eyes.
I place my elbows against my knees, intertwining my fingers as I rest my chin on top of them. I ponder what she has said. There is a lightness in me, this is something I have hoped for before I no longer dared to, but it is also chilling, the possibility of failure and what would happen to me then is terrifying. This is a chance to make things better, but what if it's too late? Am I already too damaged? Or what if no one else wants to give me the same chance Applejack is? Or what if I just end up hurting Applejack, or anyone else again? There will be no demon to place the blame on this time, everything that happens from here on out will be on me.
Just like in a normal life, but I'm far from normal. I look down at the floor again, I can't look at her as I sigh.
"Applejack... I don't know..." My hoarse voice is pitiful and unsure. I can feel more tears escape my eyes.
"Listen, Anon." Her voice is soothing but I still can't bring myself to look at her. "Ah'm with ya in this. It's not just your scars that needs healing, nothing will change if none of us can let go of this dark cloud hanging above us. It'll be a hard and long journey, but Ah'll make ya a deal." I finally look up at her, looking into her green eyes, waiting for her to continue.
"Ah'm gonna do my damnedest to let go of these feelings, to not be a victim anymore and to, hopefully, one day be worthy of being yer friend again. But in return, Ah want you to first take care of yer body..." She starts to walk towards me, moving slowly on three legs, still balancing the juice box in her front hoof. When she's about a meter in front of me, she stops, her whole body tensing up. I feel a cold knot forming in my stomach from seeing her do this, knowing it's my presence that's causing it. She looks at me, then to the floor, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steel her nerves. She then looks me straight in the eye, completely fearless, and closes the gap between us with calm steps before sitting down right in front of me.
"And when Twilight is ready to offer ya her help, please, consider it." She extends her hoof, offering the juice box in it. I stare at it, then her, then back at the box with a dumbstruck expression. She's so close I'm almost touching her, but I dare not to. Even when my trembling fingers reach out and grab the juice box I make sure not to touch her hoof. I hold it close to me and look at her, a relieved smile on her face. I give the box one last look, half-expecting it to just have been a dream, before once again locking eyes with the mare in front of me.
"I can't make any promises..."
"Neither can Ah, just think about it. Alright?"
I give her a nod, which she answers with a nod of her own, a small smile on her lips again. She stands up and takes a few steps back before turning around and walking in the direction of the front door. She stops in the doorway however and looks back at me, giving a short glance at the juice box in my hand.
I look down at it, trying to remember exactly how much I used to enjoy them. As anyone can attest, anything grown and made on Sweet Apple Acres is golden, including the ponies living there it would seem. I peel of the plastic straw from the side of the carton and pierce it through the top. I lick the inside of my lips, no small amount of trepidation building inside of me. I haven't been able to keep any food down for so long and the last thing I want right now is to throw up Applejack's offering right in front of her. I lift the carton and place my lips around the edge of the straw. I mentally prepare as I take a big sip through the hollow plastic.
A cool apple-flavored fluid splashes against my tongue. It tastes sweet and... and it's delicious. My eyes almost pop out of my head, unbelieving of how I could have forgotten such an amazing taste, though it probably would have tasted better if I still didn't have trace amounts of vomit-flavor in my mouth. I quickly take another sip, followed by a third before parting my lips from the straw, in my haste a few drops escape the now free opening, missing my mouth and sadly hitting the floor. I'll mourn them later, right now I look back at the mare in my doorway. Applejack is looking at me, her smile has grown wider.
"Be careful with that, yer belly's so used to being empty ya should probably not try to drink all of them at the same time. Baby steps, Anon." She gives me a small wink and walks out, closing the door behind her. I quickly get up from the table and walk over to the window, parting the curtains. Sunlight filters in from outside as I watch Applejack walk away, eventually disappearing from view.
I walk away from the window, but I don't shut the curtains. I actually don't feel like being in the dark right now. Lifting the juice box, I take another long sip of the sweet fluid, feeling it's coolness as it slides down my throat and coming to a stop in my stomach. It's almost painful since I can now clearly feel how empty it is. I am tempted to just down the whole damn thing in one go and do the same thing with the rest, but I stop myself. If I am going to agree to Applejack's suggestion then I should pace myself. If I agree to it. I'm still a bit unsure. Could it really be so easy? Maybe easy is not the right word, but still... To have what I've wanted within reach...
I hold the juice box in front of me. Reading the name 'Sweet Apple Acres' over and over again. If she could be this brave, this willing to take a chance and try to make things right, couldn't I as well? I look at the apple logo on the carton, sliding my thumb across the red fruit. My vision suddenly goes white. There is a ringing in my ears.
I am standing on my knees in a barn, a layer of hay covers the ground like a carpet. The warm air is thick with the scent of sweat and sex. In front of me, an orange earth pony lies on her side, her legs tied together with a rope. She looks at me, tear-soaked face bearing a look of pure fear and shame. Silent pitiable whimpers make their way through the apples crammed into her mouth to silence her. I run my hand along her flank, brushing the soft fur as my fingers caress the three apples making up her cutie mark.
My hand releases its grip on the juice box, it falls to the floor, its contents spilling out on the floor through the straw, forming a small puddle. I grip my head in my hands, trying desperately to force the images from my mind as my vision returns and the ringing in my ears dies down.
I stand there, looking at the carton while the palms of my hands are pressed against my temples. Walking over to the couch, I slump down in it. I keep staring at the juice box. Is it too late? Or do I still seek help, now that I need it more then ever? Can my mind still be saved? I lean forward and bury my face in my palms. If I had any tears left, I would be crying.
I sit like that until sometime around noon, still debating with myself whether I should accept Applejack's offer of help or not, when I am alerted by a sound from the kitchen. A thump and a small voice.
"Oof!"
My head jerks up and I jump out of my couch. Is someone here? I didn't notice anyone come in. I slowly make my way over to the kitchen, making virtually no sound as I cautiously creep closer. Peering in through the doorway, I scan the room. Nothing? I'm almost ready to chalk it up as just another hallucination brought on by my mental episodes, when I hear shuffling on the other side of my dinner table. I also notice that the window beside it is open. I jump around the table, hoping to catch who- or whatever is hiding there. The intruder lets out a startled cry and falls over as I land in front of them. I stop dead in my tracks as I recognize her.
"Anon?"
A tiny orange pegasus is lying on the floor before me. Her big purple eyes looking me up and down with shock clearly written on her face. She lifts herself up from the floor, her tiny wings buzzing slightly from nervousness.
"Anon, what happened to you?" She asks me in that little raspy voice of hers as she gives me another quick look up and down my body before staring in to my eyes. I fold my arms over my chest, I did not have the patience to answer that question yet again.
"Scootaloo, what are you doing in my house?" She turns her eyes to the floor and kicks the floorboard lightly with one of her front hooves.
"I... I was worried. Nopony's seen you in a long time and I heard that you had been screaming in the middle of the night. I also heard that Applejack had been here, alone. I know she doesn't visit you anymore, at least not by herself." She looks up at me again with a small pout. "Everypony says I should keep away, but I haven't seen you in so long and... I thought maybe something was wrong with you." I shake my head slowly at her. I wish she'd listened and stayed away. Now here we are, and I'm standing here looking at one of the worst crimes I have committed. I turn my eyes away. She doesn't even realize what I've done to her.
"There's plenty wrong with me..." She'd been my friend for a long while, to her I was the cool alien from another world. She would visit me sometimes, before all of this, often to raid my fridge of any soda. One time she instead stole some of my adult beverages instead, stupid filly, trying to be an adult. That night, in her stupor, she confessed to having a crush on me, not unusual for little girls her age though I had to question her tastes. I explained to her how it just couldn't be and hoped that when she sobered up she would just forget about the whole thing. But then I... Then 'it'... The feeling of nausea is rising from my gut again.
"I... I've heard about the things you did..." Instantly, my whole body feels like it's been dipped in ice cold water. I snap my eyes back at her, she flinches and shies away but quickly straightens up again trying to look bigger and more confident but her voice stammers a bit when she continues. "But... I know it wasn't your fault! And... And that you're yourself again!"
"Scootaloo..."
"We're friends, right? Why can't I see you anymore? Is it because I stole your 'adult sodas'? I won't do it again I swear!" She falls down on her haunches, tears in her eyes. "Why did you leave me to die?" My eyes widen and I stop breathing. What is she talking about?
"Scootaloo, what do you mean?" Her teary eyes look at me quizzically, like I'm trying to make a bad joke that she doesn't understand. "How did I leave you to die?"
"You don't know?" She sounds disbelieving. The only answer I can give is through my shocked face and my stunned silence. She looks down to the floor again. "I don't remember much from that night... I just wanted to show I was a big pony. I then wake up in the middle of the night outside our clubhouse. It was so cold and my body was bruised. I was sick for weeks after that, and then I hear all these awful things about you and Apple Bloom told me what you did to Cheerilee." She sniffs as tears fall on her hooves and the floor.
"I just couldn't believe what they were saying about you. If they were, then did... did that... did you..." She swallows hard, trying not to sob but a little whimper still escapes her. She wipes her muzzle with her front hoof. I'm still standing there, frozen. I think back to that night. I carried Scootaloo to the clubhouse. In my mind I had been telling myself that I was trying to protect her, to keep her away from me. How could I have been so stupid! Was 'it' manipulating me? Trying to kill her so she wouldn't tell anyone what I did? I raise my arms, running my fingers through my hair as I grip my head in my hands. How could I not have thought about this until now? What am I?
"Did... Did, what?" My voice is almost a whisper. I can hardly breathe. Scootaloo is trembling fiercely, still trying to fight back the sobs escaping her lips.
"I- I had a strange dream that night... At least, I think it's a dream... I- it's about us... But then I started hearing these things about you and... You wouldn't... You couldn't have..." She's no longer trying to stop the sobbing, I close my eyes, waiting for the question I know is coming while she tries to collect herself, taking deep breaths to calm herself down so she can talk clearly.
"Anon... Did you... Did it happen to me too?" I lower my head and clench my closed eyes tighter. An overwhelming shame overtakes me. I feel sick... I'm disgusted by myself. What am I? What am I? When I open my eyes again I see Scootaloo staring at me, her eyes pleading with me to answer her, to tell her no, to chase all of her fears away. Something I cannot do.
"Scootaloo... Leave..." Her eyes widen, not expecting that. She stands up and starts taking a step closer. "Get out of here." I raise my voice slightly. I can't tell her, I can't tell her how she was betrayed by her friend and how she almost died in order to cover his tracks. I don't need to say anything, she's smarter than others give her credit for, and I can see the crushing truth dawning in her eyes as she understands my refusal to answer her. She slowly backs away, her body trembling as new tears start flowing down her face.
"No..." I can almost not hear her through her sobs. "No no no..."
"Stay away from me, Scootaloo... Don't ever come back here... Don't talk to me, don't even think about me. I am not your friend anymore, I don't deserve to be. There is nothing here but pain and regret. So just go..." She stops, hesitating and shaking as she openly weeps. I wait but she makes no indication of leaving.
"GO!" I scream at her loudly. She freezes up, staring at me with hurt and fearful eyes. She then quickly turns around and runs away as fast as her legs can carry her. She runs through the living room, up to the door, throws it open and disappears outside, wailing loudly all the way.
I run up to the door and slam it shut with as much strength as I can muster. I'm panting hard and fast, my whole body is shaking. Who was I fooling? How could I even for a moment believe that I could be forgiven? I should have just said no to Applejack right away. There is no coming back from this. What am I? My eyes fall upon the basket of juice boxes. My mind is a storm of anger and sorrow, turning this gift of renewed friendship into a painful mockery. I stomp over to the basket, lifting it up from the floor, I heave it with all my might straight out the window, the shrill screech of broken glass filling the room as shards of glass and crushed cartons cover the ground outside. I throw my head back and my arms out to the sides and I scream. I scream like a great beast, roaring out all my rage and anguish.
I am a monster.
I am just standing there. A whole hour has gone and I'm still just standing there in the middle of the room. I don't move, I hardly make a sound aside from my slow, deep breathing. I can hear the ponies outside through the broken window. I hear their murmurs and chattering, but can't make out what they're saying. I don't care anyway. I don't belong to the world out there. I am a freak. An abomination. A monster. In hindsight, it seems cruel that I was starting to believe otherwise. I know Applejack was just trying to help me, to become better. Well, I don't feel better. I deserve this, I am not meant to be happy I think. Let them put the blame on me, I don't care anymore, at least then I'll be good for something.
Another sound from outside catches my attention. A distant boom like thunder. A second later I hear a whizzing sound. I can't place what it is. I hear a few ponies gasp and the sound of several hooves scuttling away. The sound grows louder.
Something is coming closer. Fast.
With a loud bang my door is knocked clean of it's hinges, a piece of the wall coming loose with it, falling onto the floor with an equally loud bang, over a months worth of dust being thrown in the air, obscuring the room in a dirty mist. Something lands on the door with an audible thud. As the dust begins to settle I see the shape of a pegasus mare, wings flared aggressively and her whole body tense, ready to attack at any moment. She shakes her prismatic mane and tail to get rid of the dust still hanging in the air around her.
Rainbow Dash.
She looks around the room, her muzzle scrunched up slightly from the horrible pervasive odor. As soon as she spots me she freezes up. Her eyes are red and puffy, she has been crying. The same shocked look as the others had when they saw my current state is plastered on her face, but only for a second before she lowers herself down into attack mode. She scowls, her face seething with anger as her eyes pierce my very soul with the hate dripping out of them.
"You!" She growls. Before I can even react a blue blur crashes into my chest with such a force that the wind is almost completely knocked out of me. I lift from the floor as I sail across the room. I hear several small cracks as I feel some of my ribs cracking from the force of the pegasus as she throws me up against the wall.
She hovers there digging into my chest with her forelimbs, pinning me against the surface of the wall. Her hate-filled eyes are digging into mine, her teeth exposed in a soundless growl. The pain in my chest is so numbing I can hardly breathe, and yet I don't scream or squirm. I only stand there limply, not saying anything, just staring back at her with lifeless eyes.
"What did you do to her!?" She roars. I don't answer, I just lower my eyes. She shoves her hooves harder into me for a fraction of a second, putting pressure on my cracked ribs. I flinch and grunt meekly but otherwise don't react. "I found Scootaloo, she was crying like a madpony." Her voice is dripping with venom, no attempt is made to hide the rage inside her. "She mentioned you. Kept talking about how you couldn't have done it. Not to her." I feel one of her forelegs move and press against my throat, right bellow my chin, forcing my head up, but my eyes are still looking downward, refusing to meet hers.
"What. Did. You. Do!" Her words are nearly trembling with rage now. I finally lift my gaze and look at her. I don't say anything, but she sees it in my eyes. My shame, my self-loathing, my guilt. She pulls her head back slightly, shaking it slowly with a look of horror on her face. "No..." she whispers, "not her... Not Scootaloo..."
Her expression turns into one of unbelievable fury, far more than I've seen in any living creature. My sight flashes white as I feel a painful sting from something striking the side of my face. I can taste blood in my mouth. As I turn my head back to Rainbow, I see her pulling her hoof back before sending another strike to my face. Blood escapes my mouth and splashes unto the floor. Another strike, I feel blood running out of my nose. She is practically foaming at her mouth as she drills her glare into me.
"Weren't we enough!? Wasn't what you did to us enough!? You had to go after her!? Why her!?" I still don't say anything, even when her blows were raining down on my face I didn't utter a sound. She roars again as she spins around, pulling me along and throws me with a strength I did not know she possessed. I land on the coffee table, going straight through it and crashing unto the floor. I squirm, lying on my back. Pain shoots up from around my lower back and hip. Something is seriously wrong. I feel like I can hardly move, as I try to shuffle away from the debris of the the table while on my back. Something slams into my chest, knocking the air out of me a second time. I can feel a few more ribs cracking. I force open one of my eyes and see Rainbow standing on top of me. There is murder in her eyes as tears soak the fur on her cheeks.
She once again starts wailing blows on me. She screams while she does it, primal and wrathful, and I make no attempt to stop her. My vision is starting to get blurry when she finally stops. My face feels almost completely numb, I think there's a cut on my cheek. I can feel blood dripping along my face, as well as taste it in my mouth. I cough some more up. I try to focus my sight through a single eye, the other one too swollen to open. I look up at the furious pegasus standing on my chest. Her breathing is heavy, her eyes wide and unblinking as she glares at me, sweat pouring down her face. Her hooves are stained with blood. My blood. She raises one of them again, slowly, until it is level with her eyes, preparing to strike with more force then in any of the previous blows.
"I..." She pants, "Will.... Kill you!"
"Then... do it..." I wheeze out. I am at peace with this. If this is the end, then so be it. I lay perfectly still, just waiting for the final blow. Rainbow clenches her teeth, grinding them against each other, her jaw tensing. She shuts her eyes tight, her hoof is shaking. What is she waiting for? Just get it over with. Put an end to all of this.
Her eyes shoot open, locking on to me, her glare even more intense, her brow trembling. Yes, that's it. She clenches her jaw even tighter, a small growl building up in her throat. Now, finish it. Her growl grows into a roar as she slams her hoof down. I shut my eyes, waiting for the blow that will finally end this pain.
It never comes. I feel something whoosh passed my head, brushing slightly against me by an inch and something strikes the floor beside me hard enough that I can hear some of the floorboards actually cracking. I slowly open my eye. Rainbow is still standing over me, her hoof digging into the floor right next to my head. I look at her with an empty expression. She is panting hard, her eyes wide in horrified shock. She stumbles off of me, backing away, her whole body shaking from adrenaline and the realization of what she almost had done.
"Why..." I cough, more blood splashing on my face. "Why didn't you do it?" My voice is so weak, the blood in my mouth and my swollen lips slurring my speech.
"I... I..." I hear her stammer. I turn my head and look at her. She's still backing away, the rage that was there is all but gone, being replaced with fear and regret. I frown.
"Why couldn't you just kill me?"
She stares at me, then down at her blood-covered hooves. She falls to her haunches as she holds her hooves in front of her face. Her breathing is becoming more panicky, just shy of hyperventilating. She throws her head from side to side, looking at the destruction. The destroyed door, the small crack on one of the walls, the smashed table and finally me. A pathetic wreck on the floor, bleeding and broken. She get's up on all fours and starts backing away again. Her eyes dart around the room and to me one last time before she spins around and flies out the hole were my door used to be. A blue blur visible for not even a fraction of a second as she zips away faster than any eye can follow.
I just keep lying there on the floor. I don't even feel the pain, or maybe I'm just very good at ignoring it. A single tear escapes my one good eye. There is no forgiveness, no second chances. I am, and will always be, a monster. Everything is starting to turn black as the world around me fades. Am I dying? I don't know, I only hope that when the darkness claims me, that one way or another, there will be no nightmares.
I am wrong.