//------------------------------// // Grand Theft Bitchin' // Story: Appledashery // by Just Essay //------------------------------// “No longer shall we wag our tails to the tune of the opposing clans!” Top Dog continued to bellow while Rainbow Dash snuck beneath the attention of the dense crowd of canines. “With the Big Bitchin' Bitch, we'll take what is rightfully ours! Every rock, every jewel, every precious ruby shall belong to Top Dog! And... uhm... his fellow pups, of course.” “Big! Bitchin'! Bitch! Big! Bitchin'! Bitch!” “Yes yes. I know you all love to shout. Carry on, dear brothers. Fate has decided that I do the heavy thinking for the lot of us, and finally we are being rewarded.” Rainbow Dash reached the B-Cubed. She took a deep breath, then swiftly shimmied up the golden tank treads of the craft. She hid in a niche of dormant mechanical joints just behind Top Dog, pausing to catch her breath and wipe the sweat from her brow. “Now, I know that there are many creatures across this landscape who think we don't deserve to ascend the evolutionary food chain! There are scientists and scholars who insist that the Diamond Dogs are an inferior species, incapable of higher thought and reason! And are they right?!” The crowd went silent, save for a few random burps, belches, and snoring sounds. Top Dog sighed. “Well... yes... somewhat. Which is why it's such a good thing that I, Top Dog, was born with such accidental genius! And thanks to the shard that powers the B-Cubed, I have the ultimate cure for natural selection!” He leaned in and patted the metal arm that housed the vehicle's drill. “By utterly slaughtering everything else that exists on our level! Ha! Why wait for evolution when you can just murder your way to the top?!” Dead silence. “Ahem. Now's the time when you cheer.” “Hoooray!” “Woooo!” “Bark!” Rainbow Dash crept her way out of the little niche and approached the front of the tank. A few more feet, and she'd be within hoof-reach of Iron Will's horns. However, she suddenly froze in place, fidgeting. “What's the matter?” Lancie sputtered, leaning his antler'd head out from her satchel. “He's what you came for, isn't he?” “Yeah...” “Then slip the big sack of meat out from the chains and be done with it!” “I... can't...” “What, you chickening out?” Rainbow frowned. “The guy's out like a light! And besides...” She waved a hoof at the massive crowd surrounding the vehicle she was perched on. “There's no way they won't see me trying to escape with a four hundred pound minotaur being dragged by his tail!” “The dude has a tail?” “You know what I mean.” “Sorry, Sparky, but at this point you're beyond me. And that's saying something.” “There's gotta be another way.” “I'd say just go for it. These dogs are total idiots, remember?” “Lancie, there are—like—a hoofball stadium's worth of canines out there. Statistically, they're gonna tell something's up.” “Well fine. Pffft. Shoot down every affirmative suggestion I've got to give!” “Oh please, don't be that way...” “You know, sometimes you just gotta run with chaos and see what fate deals you.” “Run with chaos...” Rainbow Dash glanced at the sparkling case containing the granite legpiece. “Hmmmm...” She turned and looked at the vehicle's cockpit. “...right.” “But nooooo.” Lancie was folding his stone arms, pouting in the pegasus' saddlebag. “You've gotta be all about harmony, adventure, and freckle-licking. I swear, it's always one trot forward, three trots back with you.” He blinked suddenly, realizing that they were both moving swiftly. “Uhhh... where are we going?” Meanwhile, Top Dog was waving his arms, pumping a fisted paw before the group. “Now begins the mission that the B-Cubed was built for! The other clans' days are numbered! We shall build tunnels of death and doom to their homes and fill their dens with blood! Then all will become one city—our city! And the ponies and buffalo and griffons of the surface world will become our slaves! Before you know it, all will serve under the masterful sneer of—” The cockpit cage snapped to a shut behind him. The leader spun around, blinking blankly. “—Top Dog?” Several canines stirred and whimpered confusedly. “What the...?” Top Dog raised his shades and squinted. A blue shape stirred from inside the cockpit. “Hey... Hey!” Top Dog stepped forward and kicked at the mesh cage. “Get out of there right this second! Who authorized you to use the Big Bitchin—” Vrmmmmmmmm! The engine roared to life, and the two massive arms of the thing swung over Top Dog's head. His face paled while his tail curled up between his legs. “...Bitch.” WHAM! The drill knocked him to the side of the turret. Then, with clack-a-clacking controls, the pegasus inside the machine hurled the vehicle forward. The air of the cavern instantly filled with the flinging bodies of yipping/barking dogs as Rainbow tore a path across the floor on merciless tank treads. “Okay! I change everything I said!” Lancie shouted against the hum of the engine as he gripped tight to the flouncing saddlebag. He grinned from ear to ear. “You're all right, Sparky! This is the start of a beautiful relationship—” “Shhhh!” Rainbow hissed and swung a lever. She gritted her teeth. “Dogs.” The B-Cubed swung its arm, and three dozen yelping canines flew across the cavern, slamming against the wall while their brothers scampered off in opposite directions below.