//------------------------------//
// Inquiring about the inquisition 
// Story: Wake up. See this. What do? - Part 2: Raise the Flag (comment driven story) 
// by RazortheAwesome 
//------------------------------//



Kiro self-inserts again, just to push his luck.



Suddenly and without warning, a certain light red, pegasus stallion with a purple mane that could have only been the infamous Sir Kiro Osex XIII (formerly known as Kiro0613) spontaneously appeared in the corner of the room right behind Clustershine. 

"Okay..." Kiro said to himself as he looked around the senator's rather nice office. "I'm here, so what do I-" Before he could even finish that sentence, the author, RazortheAwesome himself suddenly appeared in the room and started beating Kiro with a rolled up newspaper. Strangely enough, neither Clustershine nor Risen Flagg seemed to notice, in fact they didn't notice anything since they were frozen. 

"NO NO NO NO NO NO! BAD KIRO!" Razor shouted as he hit him again with the rolled up newspaper. "BAD!" 

"WHAT THE HELL MAN!" Kiro shouted angrily as he used his editor powers to make the newspaper disappear from Razor's hand. "WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER!?" 

"Cause its a rolled up newspaper," Razor explained to him, without actually explaining anything. "We're authors remember.... Well, in your case, you're an editor.... LOOK! The point is, we can't actually get hurt unless we want to. On the other hand, I just hit you with a rolled up newspaper, it doesn't hurt at all. So if I hit you with something like that-" 

"Yeah, I get that," Kiro replied before Razor could even finish, not at all amused by his answer. "But WHY are you hitting ME with a rolled up newspaper?" 

"Oooooooh," Razor sighed as he got what Kiro was really asking him. "Cause we already did that joke, remember." 

"What joke?" Kiro asked, now confused as all hell. 

"The joke where all the authors are in the same room together," Razor finally explained. "I mean, we already established in this story that authors, and editors in your case, are pretty much gods, so I can't have all of you running around the story like regular characters. Can you imagine what kind of unbridled chaos that would be?" At that, both Razor and Kiro's eyes widened in sudden realization as they both looked past the fourth wall. More specifically, at two authors in particular, one the thirteenth in a long family legacy, and the other a certain brown dog and at a certain game of twits they were having. "ANYWAY!" Razor eventually continued. "The point I'm trying to make is that I can only deal with so much bulls*** at any given time." 

"Yeah I get what you're saying," Kiro said, really in full understanding. "So........ do you still-" 

"Yes," Razor replied before he could even finish. 

"Damn," Kiro said as he used his editor powers to disappear back to....... wherever the hell he normally is when he's not editing this story. Probably playing either Assassin's Creed or Minecraft, or both. 


-Meanwhile, in a parallel universe whe- -


"WE'RE NOT DOING JOKE RIGHT NOW EITHER!!!!" Razor shouted at the subtitle before it could finish what it was typing out. 


-Oh............ sorry-


"SIGH........" And with that, Razor disappeared and the story could now, properly, resume. 


-Resume-


"Do that again and I'm replacing you with the Spongebob timecards again."


-Fine-




Well Clustershine, you get all the "Facts" from this senator, but take it with a Grain of Salt. Grey Rebl ain't no fucking traitor, there's gotta be something else afoot. Maybe you should let the princess herself know this, whether it be Luna or Celestia.





Clustershine do- whatever. Your job-thingy's a good thing probably. In fact, I could care less what you do. I'm just an annoying voice in your head that you've taken to ignoring. It's not like I'm telling you that Risen Flagg is actually a massive, nigh on impossible to imagine being of Madness from another dimension. Not that you would listen to me if I did.




Main Story:
With vocal chords deep and hoarse-throated, Clustershine was the poker face of the CIA. Originally a part of the pridefully milltaristic and stoic Lunar Guard, he was transfered into the Intelligence Agency for his powerful talent of getting information. His association with Director Grey Rebl: Drinking buddies and partners in a specialized team of infiltration and leading operations.
This hadn't been the first time Clustershine had been summoned by the Senator himself. In fact, it was also before Risen became senator. Through connections and his current seat of power, the CIA had been owing favors for him for various things. The first seat of the Agency, Cluster's boss, didn't like it one bit, having to owe so much, and said to be careful with him. Smart considering that the two never met in person, compared to Clustershine and Risen. Under the Senator's request, he wanted Clustershine specifically in most of his cases.
This is one of such case. However, this isn't about a favor this time.
Judging by recent news, his summons was about the publicized execution, and the AIA going terrorist. That's probably not the only thing. The CIA had found out Risen had done a private investigation and found evidence of changling infiltration, both right under their very muzzles no less! This is likely going to be discussed. Clustershine would look into the AIA later, for now, Risen wants something. Time to do the initiative.

"I assume this about the execution you've made and the evidence surrounding the AIA and the changlings?"
From their, go with the flow, and take your Boss' words into consideration.




Firstly, Cluttershine, it would be in your best interest to make sure that you stay calm and collected when talking with the senator.  Additionally, be sure to ask him plenty of highly detailed questions.




Well Clustershine the only thing you can really do it listen to what Risen has to say about bringing you in there. However the thought of doing a jig on his desk enters your mind for a brief moment which makes you crack a small smile.




Clustershine...rumors are only a letter away from tumors. Ignore what you hear about the AIA. Grey Rebl was the most loyal pony that you ever knew. Now the evil monster ahead of you LITERALLY KILLED somepony! That isn't even a thing. So fuck him. Metaphorically. don't do what he wants.



Celestia that voice of his.... You've never been able to put your hoof on why, but everything about this senator just pisses you off. As a professional though, you keep it to yourself. You're called "The Poker Face of the CIA" for a reason after all. You've never really liked any of the Canterlot nobles anyway, except for maybe a few, so its not like Risen Flagg is any different. This isn't actually the first time you've met him even. You've met him several times already, though that was before he became a senator. Thanks to a series of connections, as well as his newly acquired seat or power, the CIA had owed him various favors, which they all knew he held close to the vest. That's not important right now though. You're here for a reason. 

You've got to get the facts from him, but you know better than to just trust him straight up. After all, you've always had a talent in getting information. Tartarus, it was the reason they transferred you to the CIA from the guard in the first place. Celestia thinking about that just made you think of Grey Rebl again. 

You met him when you were in the guard. At first the two of you were no more than drinking buddies until fate brought the two of you on a few missions together wherein you saved each others lives. If you knew him, and you indefinitely did, and nopony could tell you otherwise, then you knew he was no traitor. You knew him well enough to know at least that. As much as you just want to ignore the rumors about the AIA going around right now, the professional in you can't right now. You need to find out the truth. 

"I assume this about the execution you've made in Ponyville and the evidence surrounding the AIA and the changelings?" You ask Risen Flagg. If you want the truth, then you better start somewhere. 



Risen Flag, I believe that is in your best interest to stay especially calm and collected, given what you just told the princess.  Moreover, what is this news I've heard about Derpy Hooves... (CONNECTION FAILED)



"Yes," the senator replied in the same, calm manner that neither you, nor your boss, ever liked. "You could say that." 

The moment those words left his mouth, you suddenly heard three more sets of hooves in the room as three different spears of the royal guard were suddenly at your throat. One in front, one behind, and the last one pointed at the back of your head. 

"What is the meaning of this!?" you practically shout at Risen Flagg. "I demand an explanation!" He had no authority to do this. Even as arrogant as he was sometimes, you knew there was no legal way he could pull something like this off. 

"You see, my dear Clustershine," the senator responded to you in his usual manner. "The minute I took power, I understood one thing and one thing only about the way this ass-backwards wreck you call a nation works. The real power does not reside within the princesses. Oh, most certainly, they possess power, but the real power of the world comes in the form of knowledge, and where in all of Equestria does all of the knowledge reside but inside of your precious intelligence agencies, constantly evaluating and gathering said information. So, within three weeks of possessing the title of senator, I replaced one-third of all intelligence officers within the agencies with my own personal agents, save for one. By the end of three months, three of the most powerful western and northern intelligence agencies came under my total control and now, all but that one agencies is under my absolute control thanks to MY changeling agents."

“No, the Canterlot Intelligence Agency is still under our control, under the control of ponies,” You retorted. What he was saying was impossible, you knew it couldn't be true. Even if it was, you would have caught something, you always did. It was why they made you second in command of the CIA in the first place. At your words though, Risen Flag just laughed to himself, then withdrew a single device from his pocket and pressing the button on it. At the press of said button, a screen descended from the ceiling, as did a projector, which immediately began displaying the current CIA headquarters interior operations command center of which, at the center, stood Clustershine’s boss and close friend. 

“This is a live feed from the CIA office, coming through a camera that I installed weeks ago,” Risen Flagg stated, walking over to  his desk and with his magic, you watch him grab a single scroll and a quill. After scribbling something on it for a moment, you watch it vanish as he teleports it away with his magic, a common spell you've seen every day, as many of the agencies use this mode of communication.  In the video, you watch as the scroll that Risen sent away suddenly appear in front of the one of the other ponies in the room, not the director, your boss. Unceremoniously, the pony unrolled it and read its contents, which you could see on the video. All that was written on the scroll were the words "Its time." Suddenly, in the video feed, the twelve ponies turned towards the Director of the CIA, after which each pony uncloaked to reveal themselves as changelings, alarming the director. Clustershine watched in absolute horror as they attacked the director and, no, there was no possible way that they actually attacked him, but actually mauled the director of the CIA.  Each changeling tore away chunks of flesh from the director as the pony made feeble attempts at fighting back, and eventually collapsed onto the floor in a bleeding a bloody mass of flesh.  

“You see, Clustershine," Risen Flagg continued as you continued to watch in horror. "Even your precious CIA is now under my absolute control and answers to only me. As of this very moment, I control every single intelligence agency, from Cloudsdale’s agency, to Vanhoover’s, why to even the one located in Saddle Arabia that acts merely as a liaison. Every single one is under my authority. Well except for one.” Upon finishing that sentence, he chuckled glancing back at you. You didn't pay any attention to him though, you could only continue to as a changeling took the guise of his mentor and friend before Risen Flagg shut off the video. 

“I am well aware of the relationship that you have the only agency we have yet to control, and how close you are to its current director, Grey Rebl, and thus we come to your part in all of this,” Risen Flagg continued. “Right now, I present you with three simple choices. The first being that you join our simple cause and help us rein in the last remnants of anything that poses as opposition to the plan at large. Two, you divulge the information as to how to get into the AIA and all of the secrets that it holds therein, thus allowing us to spare your life long enough to bear witness to the absolute ruination of Grey Rebl and the AIA. Three, we kill you and then use your questionable relationship with the pony in question and have the changeling you kill him instead.”  As he spoke, he walked towards you and wrapped a hoof around you, smiling even while you glared at him through tearful eyes.  

“Hey, don’t look so sad, we are on the same side, Clustershine," Risen Flagg said to you. "But we have the unfortunate circumstance to be on different sides of the proverbial checkerboard, cast to fight against each other by forces beyond all of our control. I want to bring absolute order to Equestria,” he unwrapped his hoof and walked around in front of you again. He walked a few feet forwards towards the only window in his office before turning around to face you. “I want nothing more than to see order brought to all of her beloved citizens. For far too long, the princess have relied solely on her star pupil and now this outsider to try to bring control to Equestria, but where she sees help, I see the utter disrespect and eventual end to our way of life.  In just a few years’ time, without MY help, the entire nation, nay, the world will devolve into such Chaos such that even the Great Spirit Discord would abandon all hope for. Do the right thing Clustershine and help me help Equestria, no, the WORLD by simply giving me the location of the AIA’s headquarters and all of the sensitive data contained there within.”

That.... was the last thing you needed to hear from him. 

At that moment, something snapped within you as instinct took over. Without even thinking you suddenly grab the spear that's being held at your throat and push it down towards the ground and hit the guard to your with an elbow to the face right as the one behind you thrusts his spear forward at the back of your head. You quickly duck your head to your right to dodge both that, and the spear being held at the back of your neck, which is being held by the guard to your left, which you quickly hit right in the throat with your left wing before leaning back a bit and grabbing the staff portion of the spear behind you right under the blade before the guard behind you can pull it back. You then kick back with your left rear hoof and hit the guard right in his chest before you wrestle the spear away from his grasp, spin it around your neck, then take it in your hooves, turn around and smack the guard in the head with the blunt end of the spear before you turn back to the guard to your right to see him swinging his own spear at you. You hold your spear horizontally and block his spear strike before you quickly punch the guard in the muzzle, which causes him to double over a bit, but you quickly force the blade of his spear down with yours, get close to him and hit him with an elbow to his head. The fact that you are hitting metal doesn't bother you, its not like its an unfamiliar sensation. You then quickly elbow the guard in the face one more time and thrust the center portion of your spear right into his face, knocking him back, only to see in your peripheral vision, the guard behind you, who was previously to your left, has recovered from the throat hit you gave him a second ago and was picking up his spear again. Before he could though, you quickly spun your spear around, turned around to face him, and whacked him right in the head with your own spear, knocking him out cold. 

That done, you turn your attention back to the senator, who didn't even more an inch from where he had been standing. Your instincts still on overdrive, and everything that you're feeling right now for all that's happened in the past five minutes. All that's seen, all that this pony... the senator... Risen Flagg...... GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

Without thinking you throw your spear right at him. At this close distance it would go right through his head. You know, you've seen this, you've done this..... 

However, before your spear even reaches the senator, he simply leans his head to the side, and your spear flies right past him, through his window, shattering it, and into the streets of Canterlot below. 

It isn't until after the spear shatters the window into tiny, tiny, bits that you realize what you've just done, and only just now that you actually look at the reaction on the senator's face. He's...... smiling........... He's actually smiling..... 

Everything suddenly falls on you at once as you quickly turn around, run back through the door that you came in through, and run out into the hallways of the royal palace.  



You have to get to Appleloosa, get it straight from the horses mouth as it were. Only then will you truly know what to think.



Everything..... everything's come crashing down on you.... No, you can't think about that, not now. There will be a time, but it can't be now, and it can't be here. There is only one thing that you know you need to do, and by Celestia herself you mean to do it, but right now, you've got more important matters on your hooves. 

You have got to get out of here. 

What do you do? 

Next chapter:
PONY KOMBAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Escape from the royal palace

For the next chapter, you will direct the... now former, second in command of the CIA, Clustershine, as he tries to escape the royal palace. Where he goes, who he fights, and how he decides to fight them are all up to you. Good luck. Also despite it being a PONY KOMBAT chapter, the side story will still be open next chapter, so yeah, you guys don't have to worry about that.


-Side Story-



*One Day Ago*



-Ponyville-


Sweet Apple Acres



Sidestory.

*Apple's Farmhouse*
Brauburn, Strongheart, Applejack, and Big Mac are all in the same room. Each had a cup of boiled water to calm themselves after the riot that ensued. Time Turner was in a bed to recover from his injuries. The buffalo insisted to let him stay instead of a hospital, not trusting outside parties after the behaviour with the guards. Apple Bloom was given a day off from school from the recent events, now in her room still out of exhaustion. Granny Smith... was sleeping in her rocking chair. They all sat in silenced, prepareing to start the discussion that's going to change their very lives, forever.

AJ: Now, Braeburn, Strongheart, let's talk.
BM: ...
BB: Alright. Honestly, I don't know where start.
AJ: Let's start with the REAL reason why you're here. It's been naggin' me since ya came here.
LS and BB looked towards each other. BB faintly nodded.
BB: We were... on a mission.
AJ: Oh?
Even Big Mac looked interested.
BB: On the orders of the Appaloosa Intelligence Agency we were sent here to track down a pony, "The Doctor". One who looked like this.
He pulled out a photo. In it was a picture of a pony... that looked exactly like Time Turner.
AJ: Isn't that...?
LS: But we found out it wasn't really him. He was nothing the personality report was about him.
AJ looked confused and lost. Almost angry even.
AJ: Appaloosa Intelligence Agency? Mission? The Doctor? What is this, are y'all with the government?!
LS: The AIA was a branch of the government. Being new compared to other Agencies, there's nopony who know very much about it, other than the ponies, or buffalo, who run that place.
AJ: But isn't Appaloosa just a small town? How could there be something like this happenin' there?
BB: Appaloosa wasn't just a small town. The government was involved in the start. It was meant to fund the AIA for their operations. It's just so it could be independent without having to ask funding from Canterlot.
AJ: Funding... You mean... The apples trees in your orchard! Y'mean, you...
BB: Yes. For a few years, Ah've been a part of it, helpin' it grow to the town it was now. And by Celestia was Ah proud.
AJ: But why?
LS: The buffalo allied with the AIA in secret, becoming their eyes in the vast plains. We joined because we had become to love the fair town, and would like to grow along with it. Buffalo like me are different, we perform inside operations, extending our help voluntarily. My own reasons why I became an operative are personal...
AJ: And Braeburn?
Braeburn didn't answer, as if we holding himself back, gaging whether or not he should say anything. It was until he saw Big Mac staring at him, that he looked at her in the eye to give her the answer.
BB: ...It's the prideful duty of the Apple Clan, AJ.
Applejack was shocked. There was no way... And yet, she felt as though he was telling the truth.
AJ: W-what? It can't be! Since when was the Apple Clan in cohoots with them?!
???: Ever since Ponyville became a part of the map.
The four looked to the open door. Granny Smith. With a grave expression on her face.
AJ: ...Granny? Y-you can't be—
GS: It is Applejack.
She sat down along with them, and Brauburn greeted her.
BB: ...Master Granny Smith, the Solid Snake.
Granny nodded in recognition.
GS: The Bright Desert Scorpion, was your title, ain't it?
BB: ...Yeah.
Applejack continued to be lost. Were those code names? And the way Granny Smith spoke... This doesn't seem to be the jolly grandmother she knew, and yet, here it was.
GS: Ever since I met Celestia in person, all those years ago. When we talked, she'd noticed things about us, and we'd noticed things about her. It was then that we realized something about each other: Her truth spell when we first came in, and that we have a special... ability. It was then that she proposed to have the Apple Clan to be a part of something importatn. As the judge, the lawyers, and investigators. As the seeker of the truth... We never had a real use of our power, and to use it to be a part of something great... How could we resist? For generations, we had been in her beck and call, whenever we were needed.
AJ: ...What ability?
GS: The same ability that made you the Element of Honesty, AJ.
AJ: Huh?
GS: Tell me, AJ. Do you ever wonder why you find lies so well? Us Apples subconciously detect the habits and signs of an individual and the environment. From emotions to the voice to the facial expressions, everything that could be signs. Nothing could get past us. We called it Piercing Sense. We weren't able to tell when are sense activate, but Celestia helped us figure it out. Our bodies tense whenever there's a lie, so we wear something that could fit on us perfectly, and whenever it does, it tightens. Brauburn's was his vest, Big Mac had his harness collar.
AJ just then noticed how quiet BM had been... even for him.
AJ: Big Mac, are you...?
BM: Eeyup.
Nothing more was needed to be said.
GS: And your father had his hat. Your hat.
AJ: ...And my parents are too?
The old mare nodded.
GS: Your mother was his partner. Together, those two were one of the best of the Apple clan.
AJ: About how they died... You've never told me.
GS sighed.
GS: Ah didn't lie about how they died finding the truth. They were tracking a master criminal, and he got them good... We'll tell you more another time.
Everything had came crashing down onto AJ in jsut mere minutes. How could this be? Had it all been a lie? An illusion? It was time to ask the big question.
AJ: Why didn't ya told me?
The "Solid Snake" frowned and closed her eyes, somberly mulling on her next words.
GS: ...It wasn't what your mother and father, hay, even me, would've wanted for you. A life of secrets? Theres a reason why we are a... mostly honest family. Us Apple Clan are unique, but the uniquness is a double edge sword. Not only can we see other pony's lies, but our own as well. We're physically unable to lie, and the body put itself through strain just by knowing. Mentally, it breaks onto our phsyche. Only would through training would we hope to over come it, but it'll be like a scar in your spirits. Telling you everything about our original line of work and follow how the Apple Clan keeps secrets at that age, without proper training and while you're suffering the loss of your parents? You would've had a mental breakdown. This extends to Applebloom as well, until she come to age.
Applejack couldn't believe it. It was all true, and it explained much. Mental Breakdown? It may as well be what's happening right now... And Applebloom... AJ had already witnessed her crying just by tryig to keep a secret. Was that what would happen to her when she finally come to age? Silence was all that filled the room. Nothing but her hard breathing. Their own piercing sense is already reading her very feelings and thoughts, aren't they? Even a trained buffalo like Strongheart could tell as well. A look on each of their faces, except Little Strongheart, was that of understanding.

They've been through what AJ was going through once, too...

AJ: ...I need to think this over.
BB: We understand.
LS: Take your time.
BM: Eeyup...
GS: We're here for you when you need us.




*At Applejack's farmhouse in Sweet Apple Acres, Braeburn, Little Strongheart, Applejack, and Big Macintosh all sat in the kitchen with Applejack and Big Mac sitting across from Braeburn and Little Strongheart. Each of them had a cup of boiled water to calm their nerves after just getting out of the riot that happened only a few hours earlier. Braeburn even held an ice pack to his head. Applebloom was pulled out of school due to the riot and was now in her room, trying to calm her nerves, Granny Smith was sleeping in her rocking chair in the other room, and upstairs, in Applejack's bed, slept Time Turner, who was recovering from his injuries. Little Strongheart insisted on bringing him here instead of taking him to the hospital, as she didn't really trust any other ponies after seeing the behavior of the guards at the riot. In the kitchen, the four Apples and one buffalo all sat in silence.* 

Applejack: All right. Now, Braeburn, Strongheart, let's talk.

Big Macintosh: ...

Braeburn: Alright. Honestly, Ah don't know where start.

AJ: Let's start with the REAL reason why you're here. It's been naggin' me since ya'll came here.

Little Strongheart and Braeburn paused for a moment and looked at each other. After a moment, Braeburn faintly nodded and they turned their attention back to them. 

BB: We were... on a mission.

AJ: Oh?

BB: On the orders of the Appaloosa Intelligence Agency, we were sent here to track down a pony called "The Doctor".

AJ: Appaloosa Intelligence Agency? Mission? The Doctor? What is this, are y'all with the government?!

LS: The AIA is a branch of the government, yes. Being new compared to other agencies like the CIA or the VIA. Nopony knows much about it other than the ponies, or buffalo, who run them.

AJ: But isn't Appaloosa just a small town? How could there be something like that be happenin' there?

BB: Appaloosa wasn't just a small town. The government was involved in the start. It was meant to fund the AIA for their operations. It's just so it could be run independently without having to ask for funding from Canterlot.

AJ: Funding... You mean... The apples trees in your orchard! Y'mean, you...

BB: For a few years, yes. Ah've been a part of it, helpin' it grow to the town it was now. And by Celestia was Ah proud.

AJ: But why?

LS: The buffalo allied with the AIA in secret after the so called "Pie War", becoming their eyes and ears in the vast plains of the desert. We joined because we had begun to love the fair town, and wanted like to grow along with it. Buffalo like me are different, we perform inside operations, extending our help voluntarily. My own reasons for why I became an operative are personal...

AJ: Okay Ah can understand that, but what about you Braeburn?

*Braeburn didn't answer, as if we holding himself back, gaging whether or not he should say anything. It was until he saw Big Mac staring at him, that he looked at her in the eye to give her the answer.*

*Braeburn didn't answer right away, as if he was holding himself back. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but every time he did, something stopped him, as if he physically couldn't say anything, or more appropriately, knew something, but didn't know whether or not he should tell them for fear of what it would do to them. It wasn't until he saw Big Mac staring at him that he took in a deep breath and finally decided to speak.*

BB: ...It's the prideful duty of the Apple Family, AJ.

*Applejack was shocked. There was no way... And yet, she felt as though he was telling the truth.*

*Applejack froze at that as her eyes went as wide as her farmhouse. Inside her mind waged an epic war of truths. Her rational mind told her that there was just no possible way that what Braeburn was implying could be true, and yet, her senses as the element of honesty told her 100% that he was.*

AJ: W...... W-what? No..... No no no. Since when was the Apple Family in cohoots with the government?!

???: Ever since Ponyville became a part of the map.

*All conversation stopped as the four looked into the other room to see none other than Granny Smith, who bore a grave expression on her face. It was unlike her.*

AJ: ...Granny? You..... Y-you can't be—

GS: Why can't Ah be Applejack?

*At her usual pace, she slowly walked up, pulled up a chair at the table and sat down with them.*

GS: Ever since I met Celestia in person, all those years ago. When we talked, she noticed things about us, and we noticed things about her. It was then that we realized something about each other. The truth spell she cast on us when we first came in, and that we, the Apple family, have a special... ability. It was then that she proposed to let the Apple Family be a part of something important. As judges, lawyers, and investigators. As the seekers of the truth... We never had any real use for our power, much less use it to be a part of something great... So how could we resist? For generations, we had been at her beck and call, whenever we were needed.

AJ: Wha... What ability?

GS: The same ability that made you the Element of Honesty, AJ.

AJ: Huh?

GS: Tell me, Applejack. Do you ever wonder why you find lies so well? Us Apples subconciously detect the habits and signs of an individual and the environment. From emotions, to voices to facial expressions, everything that could be signs. Nothing could get past us. We called it the Piercing Sense. We were never able to tell when our sense activate, but Celestia helped us figure it out. Our bodies tense up whenever we hear somepony lie, so we usually wear something that could fit on us perfectly, and whenever we tense up, it tightens. Brauburn's is his vest, Big Mac's is his yoke.

*At that, Applejack noticed how Big Mac had been unusually silent even for him. A quick glance showed her that he was checking to see just how tight his yoke was.*

AJ: Big Mac, are you...?

BM: Eeyup.

*At that, Applejack turned her attention back to Granny Smith.*

GS: And your father had his hat. Your hat.

*At that Applejack froze again. Unconsciously she moved a hoof up to her hat and touched it. She touched it so lightly that it barely moved, as if she were afraid to touch it, afraid that it was even on her head.* 

AJ: ...And my parents are too?

*As she said that Applejack lowered her hoof as Granny Smith nodded.* 

GS: Your mother was his partner. Together, those two were one of the best of the Apple clan.

AJ: About how they died... You've never told me.

GS: *Sigh* Ah didn't lie about how they died finding the truth. They were tracking a master criminal, and they got them good. However, their victory didn't last long... In time, when this is all over, if you want me too, Ah'll tell you all about it. 

*Everything had came crashing down onto AJ in just mere minutes. How could this be? Had it all been a lie? An illusion? It was time to ask the big question.*

AJ: Why didn't yah tell me?

*At that, Granny Smith frowned and closed her eyes, somberly mulling on her next words.*

GS: ...It wasn't what your mother and father, hay, even me, would've wanted for you. A life of secrets. Theres a reason why we are a... mostly honest family. Us Apples are unique, but that uniqueness is a double edge sword. Not only can we see other pony's lies, but our own as well. We're physically unable to lie, and our bodies put itself through strain just by knowing. Mentally, it breaks onto our psyche. Only with through training would we even hope to overcome it, but it'll be like a scar on your spirits. Telling you everything about our original line of work and follow just how the Apple Family keeps secrets at that age, without proper training and while you're suffering the loss of your parents.... You would've had a mental breakdown. That extends to Applebloom as well, until she's old enough. 

*Applejack couldn't believe it. It was all true, and it explained much. Mental Breakdown? Something like that might as well have been happening right now... And Applebloom... AJ had already witnessed her crying just by trying to keep a secret. Was that what would happen to her when she finally came of age? Silence was all that filled the room. Nothing but her hard breathing. Her own piercing sense is already reading her very own feelings and thoughts. Even a trained buffalo like Strongheart could tell what was going on as well. Francically, Applejack looked around at all the members of her family present. Save for Big Macintosh, the look on all of their faces, was that of understanding.*

AJ: ...I need to think this over.

BB: We understand.

LS: Take your time.

GS: We're here for you when you need us.	


*Present Time*



-The Dalek Flagship, The Caesar-




Me: *Talking in Death the Kid's Soul Whatever voice* OHHHHHH, my f*cking HEAD… Wait, why am I in Dalek form? WHY AM I STRAPPED TO A GODDAMN WALL? *Talks in normal voice again* SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! I'M REALLY HUNGRY!

*Dalek passes by*


Dalek: The master has awakened! I must contact my superiors!

*Dalek goes to control room*

Dalek: Dalek Regulus! Master SD has awakened!

Antares: HE HAS? LOWER COMMUNICATIONS BARRIER!

*communication barrier lowers, shows image of me on the wall*

Me: Somebody get me down from here!

Antares: Release the master's restraints!

Aldebaran: WAIT! The master may not still be in control of himself! *speaks to communication barrier* Master! What is your favorite meal?

Me: Bacon-wrapped hot dogs with lots of mustard and ketchup. And a root beer.

Aldebaran: And your dessert?

Me: Oreo Mint shake from Foster's Freeze.



Note: SwimmingDalek98, Swimming Dalek Writing Co., and Swimming Dalek Enterprise are in no way, shape, or form affiliated with Foster's Freeze or any other related industries.



Aldebaran: Release him. And prepare that meal for him.

*Restraints open up, and I become the Multiform's signature golden dust form, and then I assume my normal 'floating snake mode'*

Me: HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY!




*Commander Swimming Dalek is still bolted to the wall in the special cell designed by Dalek Regulus and Aldebaran, but he is slowly coming too.*

Swimming Dalek: *Talking in Death the Kid's voice from Soul Reaper* OHHHHHH, my f***ing HEAD... Wait, why am I in Dalek form? WHY AM I BOLTED TO A GODDAMN WALL? *Starts talking in his normal, Benedict Cumberbatch voice again* SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! I'M REALLY HUNGRY!

*A random Dalek passes by*

Random Dalek: The master has awakened! I must contact my superiors!

*Dalek slowly leaves to go to control room*

SD: WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!! COME BACK!!!! COME BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!

*A rather unnecessary amount of time later.*

RD: Dalek Regulus! The commander has awakened!

Antares: HE HAS? LOWER COMMUNICATIONS BARRIER!

*communication barrier lowers, shows image of Swimming Dalek on the wall*

SD: Somebody get me down from here!

Antares: Release the master's restraints!

Aldebaran: WAIT! The master may not still be in control of himself! *speaks to communication barrier* Master! What is your favorite meal?

SD: Bacon-wrapped hot dogs with lots of mustard and ketchup. And a root beer.

Aldebaran: And your dessert?

SD: Oreo Mint shake from Foster's Freeze.



Note: SwimmingDalek98, Swimming Dalek Writing Co., and Swimming Dalek Enterprise are in no way, shape, or form affiliated with Foster's Freeze or any other related industries.



Aldebaran: Release him. And prepare that meal for him.

*The restraints open up, and Swimming Dalek into his multiform's signature golden dust form, and then assumes his normal 'floating snake mode'*

Me: HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY!

*A shorter amount of time later, Swimming Dalek is in his normal, Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes from the BBC series Sherlock, form again eating massive amounts of bacon wrapped hot dogs while two Daleks, one of them Dalek Regulus, watching over him.* 

SD: *While eating* So..... what did I miss? 

*At that, both the random Dalek that is with him now and Dalek Regulus are unusually silent, even more unusually silent than they usually are, for Daleks that is...* 

SD: Oh come on don't keep me in the dark forever. Come on. What happened? I swear to god I better not have missed a f***ing thing. 


-The Enterprise-


Med Bay



Medbay
Gordon suddenly shot upwards from his bed, arms flailing as he screamed "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A SCHIZOPHRENIC!" before falling to the ground in an ungraceful heap.

"Uhh...." Bones said, hovering over BRP's bed.

"NOT. ONE. WORD." Gordon said menacingly, getting up from the floor and wincing as his bruises announced themselves.

"I have no idea what you mean." Bones said innocently.

"Right." Gordon said. "So, uhh, how long was I out? And why are we back on the enterprise?"

"Well, you've been out for  a few hours. I was actually thinking that one of the others would have woken up before now. How's the head?"

"It hurts, Bones. I take it we were recalled at an inopportune moment?"

"Yes."

"Great. Just great. Do you know where my suit is?"

"No."

"And why not?"

"Because there was some trebleatthemi'le'otheship." Bones mumbled the last part of his sentence.

"What?"

"I said, there was some treble at the mi'le 'o the ship." Bones said, purposefully muddling his words.

"I'll ask again, what?"

"There's some trouble at the middle of the ship." Bones said.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Gordon asked.

"DAMNIT GORDON! I'm a doctor, not some engineer!  I  heal people, like you! I was told to tell you that if you asked for your suit! I didn't expect this kind of Spanish Inquisition!"

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Three redshirts yelled as they burst through the medbay doors. One wore aviator's goggles, another a large brimmed red hat, and a third wore a red skullcap.

"What the fuck?" Bronze Statue asked, the loud entrance having woken him up.

"Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Our TWO main weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our THREE main weapons are fear surprise and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.... Our FOUR... wait, no... uhh... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear... surprise... oh... I'll come in again." And with that the three redshirts left.

"What?" Gordon said.

"I have no idea." Bronze statue said.

"I might as well give the their line." Bones said, sighing, before changing the candor of his voice. "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!"

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" The three redshirts said as they burst through the doors. " Amongst our weaponry such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the pope... and nice red uniforms.... Oh DAMN!." The redshirt turns to another. "You'll have to say it."

"I couldn't possibly." The other redshirt replied.

"And why not?" The first inquired.

"It would take too much time to re-write the entire skit play-by-play, and it would bore those that have read it before. Therefore, let's just skip to the charges so that no one gets bored. Plus, I don't have a name to distinguish myself, meaning not only will I soon die, but also that it would get confusing."

"Quite right." The first concurred. "Now, read the charges!"

"You" The third redshirt said, pointing at Gordon "Are hereby charged with Heresy against the Church of Celestia, and with abandoning your post as junior slash sub slash under author of this story. And YOU!" He points upwards at nothing in particular "Are charged with abandoning YOUR post as main Author for this week, and with keeping this story far too serious. This is a comedy!. Oh, and you're charged with Heresy as well. How do you plead?"

*At this point, it is requested that the author does a little skit with his holiness coming down and doing as he pleases, before departing and taking the memory of His Magnificence with Him*

"Not guilty!" Gordon replies, "On the grounds that I have no idea what you're talking about."

"No idea, eh?" The first redshirt said, "Well, EXCUUUSSEEE ME, but we find that to be the WRONG answer. Redshirt... er, I mean, Cardinal, the Rack!" The second reshirt hands him a dishrack.

"What is this?"

"Well, you wanted a rack..."

The first reshirt sighed. "Well, it'll have to do. Besides, our author's wrists are getting tired. Might as well just go with it. No point arguing." The redshirt then moves over to Gordon, tying the dishrack around him.

"What exactly is this gonna do?" Gordon asked.

"This will rip a confession out of you. If the main author were here, we'd use it on him too, now tell me HOW DO YOU PLEAD!"

"Not GUILTY!" Gordon said, annoyed. "On the grounds that you are all mad."

"HOW DO YOU PLEAD?!"

Gordon sighed, ripping the dishrack off of himself and walking over to the three redshirts before pulling a Hancock and shoving each of their heads up another's ass.

"Do not meddle in the affairs of authors, for you are moldable and fun to toy with." Gordon said with a voice so full of authority Celestia herself would have followed any direction he gave. He also seemed to shine with an inner light. "Now go!"
And the three redshirts left, awkwardly waddling away from medbay, trying to find a way to walk without upsetting eachother's assholes too much.

"Alright, seriously, what the fuck just happened?" Bronze asked from his corner. Meanwhile, Bones fainted.

"Hey, go fetch my  suit while I revive bones." Gordon said, all the former glory of his voice gone.

"S-sure, Gordon." Bronze said, leaving the medbay quickly.



*The med bay was.... for all intents and purposes right now the most quiet room on the whole ship right now as Bones and Nurse Ratchet continued to look over BRP while Gordon Freebrony lay sleeping in a medical bed to his left, and to his left, Zecora still slept. Off in the corner, Bronze Statue was still sitting in a fold up chair, half awake and half asleep. The quiet moment was broken when Gordon suddenly shot upwards from his bed, with his arms flailing. 

Gordon Freebrony: NO! NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A SCHIZOPHRENIC! 

*At that, Bones, Nurse Ratchet, and Bronze Statue, who had woken up from his daze all stopped what they were doing and just stared at him.* 

McCoy: Uhh...

GF: NOT. ONE. WORD.

*Gordon tried to sit up as he spoke, but as he did, he kept wincing as the bruises he got in the riot announced themselves.* 

MC: I have no idea what you mean.

GF: Right.... Ah f*** me, how long was I out, and why are we back on the enterprise?"

MC: Well, you've been out for  a few hours. I was actually thinking that one of the others would have woken up before now. 

GF: Others? *confused* 

*Gordon Freebrony looks past Bones and Nurse Ratchet to see BRP sleeping on the table. As confused as he is to see someone he's never met before sleeping in the Enterprise med bay, he then looks over at the bed on the other side of him to see Zecora sleeping in it. His eyes go wide at this.* 

GF: ..... How did she get here? 

MC: She got beamed back with us by accident. 

GF: How? 

MC: She was on top of you swinging a spear around when the transporter picked us up. If I had to guess, I'd say she was trying to protect you. 

GF: I see..... *silence for a few minutes* 

MC: How's the head?"

GF: It hurts, Bones. I take it we were recalled at an inopportune moment?

MC: Yes.

GF: Great. Just great. Do you know where my suit is?

MC: No.

GF: And why not?

MC: Because there was some trebleatthemi'le'otheship.

GF: What?

MC: I said, there was some treble at the mi'le 'o the ship.

GF: I'll ask again, what?

MC: There's some trouble at the middle of the ship.

GF: And what is that supposed to mean?

MC: DAMNIT GORDON! I'm a doctor, not some engineer! I was told to tell you that if you asked for your suit! I didn't expect this kind of Spanish Inquisition!

*Suddenly three random red shirts burst into the room, as if they were summoned by that last phrase. One of them, presumably the leader, wore a large brimmed red hat, one wore aviator goggles, and the last one wore some kind of red skullcap. DADAA!!!!*

Lead redshirt: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Bronze Statue: What the fu-

LRS: Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Our TWO main weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our THREE main weapons are fear surprise and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.... Our FOUR... wait, no... uhh... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear... surprise... oh... I'll come in again.

*At that, the three redshirts all left the room.*

MC: What?

GF: I have no idea.

BS: *sigh* I might as well give the their line I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

*Upon hearing his voice, Gordon Freebrony looks over at Bronze Statue confused, wondering why he never noticed someone he'd never met before sitting there.* 

GF: Wait, who are-

*DADAA!!!!! The three redshirts all run into the room again.*

LRS: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisi-



BRP wakes up screaming at some point. Possibly due to an unknown sense of impending doom that makes him dream of Italian lechers punching naked French people and eating cake.



*Suddenly, BRP wakes up screaming for seemingly no reason.* 

BRP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



RA: *busts into the ER room where BRP is being held carrying a bottle of peach whiskey, some used bandaids, and a rubber chicken* DON'T WORRY BRP! I'LL HEAL YOU THROUGH THE POWER OF ALCOHOL, USED BANDAIDS, AND COMIC RELIEF!



*Equally suddenly, as if on some kind of cue, Registered Anonymous bursts into the room, which was a feat in of itself since the room was already open, whacks all three of the red shirts in the head with his nine iron one by one, knocking them out cold instantly, possibly killing them, and rushes over to BRP. BRP stops screaming as suddenly as he started as all that happens.* 

Registered Anonymous: DON'T WORRY BRP! I'LL HEAL YOU THROUGH THE POWER OF ALCOHOL!!! 

*At that, Registered Anonymous suddenly produces from.... somewhere, within his coat, a bottle of peach whiskey, opens it, and starts pouring it over BRP's now closed mouth, which does nothing since it just rolls off of his mouth, since it is closed. Yeah, BRP isn't drinking it... at all... After a few moments, Registered Anonymous stops pouring.* 

RA: Huh...... You know I really thought that would work. 

*Bones, Nurse Ratchet, and Gordon Freebrony all just stared at Registered Anonymous with expressions of IMMENSE confusion on their faces. All of them remain completely silent. Bronze Statue by this point, is no longer sitting and has gotten up and walked over to them, not as confused as they all are since he knows Registered Anonymous, unlike Bones and Gordon Freebrony who have not spent immense around of time in his company like Bronze Statue had. After a few moments, Bones ends up being the one to break the silence.* 

MC: Uhhhhhhhh.... 

RA: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 

*Registered Anonymous puts the still open bottle of peach whiskey back in his coat where he pulled it and turns to face them.* 

RA: I found out that one of my hackers, Doc, paid these three to come in here and act like the Spanish Inquisition from Monty Python for no reason at all, and since my good buddy BRP was getting some much needed healing time.... and sleep, in here, I thought I would do you a kindness and silence them for you. 

*None of them speak for several moments.* 

BS: What in the seven hells could Doc have paid them to get them to do this? 

RA: Well......


-Earlier, in one of the engineering bays-


*Registered Anonymous was walking down the hallways of the Enterprise, as he was want to do, looking for some more supplies with which he could use to heal BRP, when suddenly, off in the distance, he saw one of his hackers, Doc, talking to three random red shirts. In Doc's hand was some kind of removable had drive, and the three red shirts seemed very interested in it. Curious, Registered Anonymous hid behind one of the corners to hide his presence and listened closely.* 

Doc: This CD contains twelve terabytes of pornography!


-Back to now, in the med bay-


*Literally every single person in the room found themselves unable to speak due to the sheer amount of wtfery....* 

GF: Uhh..........

RA: Oh hey, someone new! 

*Registered Anonymous, at the sight of someone he's never met before, enthusiastically grabs Gordon Freebrony's hand and starts shaking it repeatedly.* 

RA: Names Registered Anonymous, lord of whacking, and bears..... at least I think I'm the lord of bears...... I mean I did get sent to that parallel universe full of bears and I killed every single bear there so I guess that means I'm their new lord and master but that doesn't really matter here since nobody believes me by AH WHATEVER! Registered Anonymous, lord of whacking, how ya doin?

Elsewhere

*Captain James Tiberius Kirk was walking through the halls of the Enterprise with Sulu and one other red shirt close to him as they reached his quarters.* 

Kirk: I want to see a full report as fast as any of you can physically write it. 

Sulu: Aye captain. 

Kirk: And try to get in contact with the captain of that alien ship again. I'm gonna wanna talk to him personally. 

Sulu: Aye captain. 

*At that, the doors opened and Captain Kirk, after a long journey on the planet, finally returned to his quarters.* 



Meanwhile in the Captain's quarters Slim and Jim are still making furious love to one another and begin making such a racket that it'll draw the attention of a couple of redshirts. The redshirts can listen if they want, they can watch if they want, however if any of them go and try to strangle "the one eyed snake" Jim will personally castrate the lot of them.



*The moment the doors closed behind him, Kirk stood dumbstruck as the sight before him..... quite literally hit him like a bolt of lightning.... very very frightening... Two incredibly gorgeous women, the hackers Slim and Jim, were on his bed, completely naked, and in the middle of making sweet, furious love to each other When he walked in though, they both stopped what they were doing and just stared at him. All that there was was silence.... One could hear a feather drop, which did happen as Slim and Jim seemed to have destroyed one of Kirk's pillows.* 

Kirk:......

Slim:.....

Jim:.......



SIDE STORY:
*BS goes to get Gordon's suit while attempting (rather unsuccessfully) to softly sing "F" by Maximum the Hormone.* Some other minor stuff probably happens.*




Game of Twits




Councilman Swan: Daedaltheus, you are here because of your assassinations, blackmails and the appropriation of foreign universe technologies for personal gain.

DXIV: All of which were done in the name of RED and the Council.

Councilman Bateman: Yes, but let us not forget that many of those marvelous toys you keep in your vault are used by you.

Councilman Integra: Don’t we all possess some manner of these technologies ourselves?

Councilman Swan: One might assume that you are protecting this man, Integra, but I advise you keep your personal relations out of this.

Councilman Horrible: Agreed, now let us just agree partially that we posses this technology and illegally use the foreign objects ourselves, but onto the other charges.

DXIV: The parking violations are fraudulent, after all, I drive my own car and rarely need to use one considering that I can summon a godforsaken doorframe anytime I damn well please to travel.

Councilman Bateman: Very well then, onto the other charges of interfering with the story.

DXIV: Cut the bullshit, I know why I am here to begin with.  You found out that I have the typewriter, but not just any typewriter, Sutter Cane’s personal typewriter that he used in order to rewrite the multiverse and bring about his own calamitous end.  

Councilman Gunter: Wahn, Wahn, Wahn, Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn.  (The typewriter is company property and we would like it back.)

DXIV: Understandably, so most honorable Gunter, but I need to keep ahold of the typewriter until the latest story ends.  
Councilman Bateman: Why would that be?

DXIV: Gentlemen, allow me to be brief as I need to return to the universe and manage the dealings before things get out of hand on our end.  I am challenging what amounts to an equal of mine, someone with the same skill set, so to speak, that I do.

Councilman Integra: Another Reason user?

DXIV: Yes, and right now, he controls the story in its entirety but with the typewriter, we have the ultimate edge.  
Councilman Gunter: Wahn. (What?)

DXIV: Sutter Cane’s typewriter allows me to override the story and change it without anyone knowing but myself.
Councilman Gummy: (blinks)

DXIV: However, I can only use it once per month for longer than two hours as the typewriter begins to type by itself and will at any cost try to rejoin its master, Sutter Cane, inside of the howling abyss that he now resides in.

Councilman Swan: Interesting story.

DXIV: Now, with your permission, given that I have explained my side of things, may I leave as to let the council convene on my punishment.

Councilman Gunter: Wahn wahn. (You may)

DXIV: Thank you.  (the doorframe appears behind Daedaltheus and he leaves)

Councilman Swan: Once we have the typewriter, Daedaltheus will die.

Meanwhile in the Bunker…

Asuka: What the fuck do you mean you won’t build the program?!

Glados: Look, I not saying that I won’t build it, it’s just that I have no interest in building it.

Rip: But ve need ze program.

Glados: Look, I manage over three hundred and seventy-eight servers that each contain one hundred hard drives that contain one yottabyte of digital information.  You can clearly see that I have too much to deal with right now to write a simple program.

Asuka: Dammit to hell and back! (folds arms)

Rips: Son of a bitch.

Glados: Go down to Research and Development and you should find someone that would be more than happy to help.

-Five minutes later in Research Development-

The room is littered with various machine parts and scraps of metal strewn about as small miner capped robots rush about, carrying with them buckets of scraps.  The place, though unorganized has at least one wall specifically reserved for blueprints, which are tacked into the malleable material.  Before them, stands a tall thin man with white hair that sticks straight out from the sides but possesses a rather large bald spot atop his head.  He is wearing a white lab coat and upon turning to face his visitors, he wears all black, from his shoes to his tie, though the tie has a white skull on it.  Additionally, his mustache is quite large.

Asuka: Hi, are you the head of the R and D Department.

???: Indeed I am (extending a hand which Asuka shakes)  The name is Doctor Albert Wily, head of Research and Development for Division 42.

Rip: Wait, didn’t that robot boy and his creator sometime back defeat you in your own universe.

Wily: Many times but that changed after I met Daedaltheus.

Asuka: How so?

Wily: He killed Mega man while I threw Doctor Light out of a window.

Asuka: Huh.  Anyway, we need an AI tracking program and Glados is refusing to build one.

Wily: Hmm, what kind of AI are we talking, military or other?

Rip: Based upon ze design, ve are assuming zat she is military issue.

Wily: All right, I think that I might be able to help you (a small robot appears carrying a laptop) Give me about ten minutes and I should be able to come up with something to suit the needs of your request.

Rip: Thanks.

Wily: Eh, it’s what I do and ever since the boss man upstairs abandoned the Zero project, all I do is perform basic maintenance on Glados and the OIC servers.

Asuka: Zero Project?

Wily: A line of fully functional and fully operational automatons built for the sole purpose of killing and maiming, just the thing needed for the Salvation and the retaking of Manhattan from the separatists but you know, war ended kind of quickly.

???: No doubt because of our involvement.

The two ladies and the one scientist look up to see a man clad in basic bullet proofing and carrying an assortment of weaponry approach them, a single red eye glowing in the brightly lit room while the other appears to be normal.

Wily: Ah, let me guess you need the eye retooled again.

???: Yeah, thing kinda got fucked up in the last mission.

Asuka: I’m sorry, but who are you?

???: Name’s Deadshot, assassin for the boss man.

Rip: Yah.

Asuka: Huh, so you’re kind of like us.

Deadshot: Generally, it’s kill first, plant the evidence, and ask questions later.

Wily: And we are good to go.  Please plug your phones into the laptop so you can download the application.

Asuka: That was fast. (plugs phone into laptop)

Wily: What can I say, I’m going nowhere fast.

Rip: (plugs phone in) Again, thanks.

Wily: Meh, don’t mention it. And done downloading.  Now all you have to do is open the application in whatever universe you happen to be standing in and the pings should start immediately.

Asuka: All right, well I guess we should head back out and track down this dog-guy thing.

Deadshot: Not so fast.  The boss man just got back and wants a full report.

Asuka: You saw him on the way down here?

Deadshot: Who do think I gave the head of the dead guy to?

- In the Office of Daedaltheus –

DXIV: So you tracked down, killed Snake, left Shia Le-Buttfuck to listen to a song written by one of the least talented musicians (chuckles) in the business and now are preparing to track down the Brown Dog.

Rip: Yes.

Asuka: Indeed.

DXIV: And where would that next step lead you two?

Rip: Vell, if our intel is correct zen ve need to go to ze Winchester Brothers to gather ze appropriate information.

DXIV: Hell no.

Asuka: Why not?

DXIV: Those two are prepared for most anything, including but not exclusive to, vampires.

Rip: Ah. I see your point.

Asuka: Damn it to Hades!  Then what are we supposed to do?

DXIV: Sources tell me, or at least that mole I planted in Strexcorp, that a figure matching his description has appeared near a rather interesting little burg in the middle of a desert and appears to live there rather infrequently.

Asuka: So you’re sending us to investigate these rumors and if possible find out more about the Brown Dog?

DXIV: Very perceptive, Asuka, I knew that there was a reason I hired you on to the Lethal Ladies.

Asuka: (blushes)

Rip: All right then, but vat about the Supernatural guys.

DXIV: I know two perfect ladies for the job.

- Minutes later as Asuka and Rip van Winkle arrive in a parallel universe on Daedaltheus’ orders-

Asuka: Damn it sure is hot out here.

Rip: Vell of course, it is a desert (Rip fidgets with the car radio)  

Asuka: Just where the fuck are we?

Rip: Hold on (turns the dial again) I’m trying to figure that out.

At last the radio turns on and features some local advertisement for a local pizza chain that they have never heard of before suddenly switching over to some kind of news program.

Radio: Perhaps they were never alone.  Perhaps you are never alone.  Perhaps you were always never meant to be alone.  Welcome, to Night Vale.

Asuka and Rip: (fan girl squeal)

- Meanwhile in the Supernatural Universe –

Sam and Dean, as well as their companion Castiel, find themselves in a motel off of the highway at night, as per usual for their adventures.  Castiel sits in front of the TV set watching some program and making glib observations about it while Dean researches the local weirdness for any signs of demonic involvement or otherwise activity.  Strangely enough, though, Sam I looking out the window of the motel room through the blinds, as though something in the parking lot has caught his attention.

Dean: Hey, Sam. Why’re ya staring out the window for?

Sam: There’s some girl in short jean shorts and a bikini top sitting atop of a red Mustang in the parking lot.  

Dean: (walks over to the window) No way.  (sees the woman sitting there) Wow, she’s actually there and she’s kinda cute in a crazed look sort of way.

The two sit there as the car opens and a second woman emerges, wearing what appears to be dark jeans and a violet hoodie.  After a second, she pulls down the hood to reveal her long purple hair and a small red jewel on her forehead.  The other woman, the one sitting atop the car reaches back behind her and turns on the radio.

Wanna join me, come and play

Dean: What the hell is that playing from the radio?

Sam: Why did she just turn on her radio?

Castiel: I think the more important question is why is she holding the chain gun.

Dean and Sam: WHAT?!

- Twelve seconds later –

Sam, Dean and Castiel lie on the floor as bullet fly overhead, shredding the wall of the motel in addition to destroying most everything about four feet in the room proper.

Sam: Who are these woman, Dean?

Dean: How the hell should I know?

Castiel: I have no idea either.

All at once, the bullets stop all together and as the three men stand up, they find the crazed woman standing in the former wall as well as her companion.

Jinx: Hi, I’m Jinx.

Raven: And I’m Raven.  

Jinx and Raven: We have some questions to ask you about the Brown Dog.




>> DaedaltheusXIV
The Brown Dog went out to gather the most brilliant investigative minds to help figure out who really defaced the Cecil Baldwin statue, unfortunately all he could get was Lieutenant Caine from CSI: Miami. He’d tried other options, but…

Sherlock Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into 221B Baker Street
BD: How ya doing voice of Smaug, where’s Bilbo?
Sherlock Holmes: …
BD: Anyway, I need your help clearing my good name
SH: …
BD: Someone has defaced the visage of the fantastical homesexual radio announcer that we all know and love, Cecil Baldwin.
SH: …
BD: Ummm…I can pay you?
SH: JOHN!!! I appear to have ingested some sort of hallucinogenic substance, but I can’t remember what!
BD: Hey I’m real!
SH: Sure you’re real (Sarcastically) You’re a talking dog that wears sunglasses, your breath smells of cheap takeout food, your accent is American, and the ash behind your left ear suggests you were near a fire of some sort.
BD: …Nice! What number am I thinking of?
SH: All this adds up to the fact that you are in fact not real since talking dogs only exist to sell dog food or teach children simplistic idiotic lessons and morals.
BD: But…
SH: Nope, the only thing I can do is ignore the drug fueled hallucination till it goes away.
Sherlock grabs his violin starts playing it with his back to the Brown Dog.
BD: Oh come on, just come with me
SH: I can’t hear you, you’re not real
BD: Oh yeah? Well…you’re…BRITISH!
SH: Oh, very good comeback. Dear lord I believe my subconscious is an idiot!
BD: Grrrr….(Disappears)

Psych Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into the Psych office
Shawn: Awww look at the little doggy
Gus: Shawn! What have I told you about bringing animals into the office?
Shawn: I thought that only applied to cats.
Gus: It’s anything that sheds hair that I have to clean up Shawn!
Shawn: Oh Gus, now you’re just being Hairest
Gus: What?!
Shawn: Just because you don’t have hair doesn’t mean you can lord your ways over those with long beautiful manes (Mock hurt)
Gus rolls his eyes as Shawn kneels down and hugs the Brown Dog
Shawn: Don’t listen to him sir, that hairless bigot won’t hurt you
At this the Brown Dog cracks up after having tried not to laugh the entire time, these guys are hilarious. Gus and Shawn back away in terror from the laughing dog.

BD: ha ha ha ha ha ha…oh man you guys are hilarious. Anyway I need your guys help to…
Shawn/Gus: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
They both run out of the office screaming towards Gus’s car.
Gus: DEMON DOG! DEMON DOG!
Shawn: PANIC! PANIC!
The Brown Dog laughs at this, but then realizes that they probably won’t help him.
BD: ha ha ha….crap
Teleports out

CSI: Miami Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into a Miami Bar where Lieutenant Caine is.
BD: Hey
Caine: Hey
BD: Wanna help me solve a crime?
Caine: Sure.
BD: Really? That simple?
Caine: Yep
BD: No questions about how I can talk or where I came from?
Caine: Nope
BD: Huh. Why not?
Caine: I like your choice in eyewear (Puts his own shades on) besides, I had a feeling today was a Dog Day Afternoon
CSI: Miami Opening: YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
BD: Ok then
Teleports them to his shack in Nightvale in the evening, the night before the Lackeys show up

The shack by the bluffs is…boring. It has literally nothing in it. There is no bed, no furniture, no appliance, nothing. Just the bare interior, there isn’t even a bathroom or sink.

BD: Well welcome to my place, don’t touch anything
Caine: What’s there to touch?
BD: Hey now I like living simplistically, don’t be a smartass
Cortana: You’re saying that to him?
Caine: I can tell there was a crime here, (Shades off then on) someone died of boredom
(YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!)
BD: Hmm…good point
Caine: So what am I supposed to look at?
BD: A statue, but it’s not here, it’s in town
Caine: So why are we here?
BD: Well excuse me for wanting to give a tour.

Teleports into town and they start walking
BD: OK, there’s where Old Lady Josie lives with the Angels (Points to trailer)
Caine: Angels?
BD: The city council says they’re not, but we all know the truth.
Caine: Well I guess that’s what you call (Shades on) separation of church and state
(Yeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!)
BD: Heh heh, good one, Oh and there’s the Dog Park, don’t look at it.
Caine: What? Why not?
BD: Because you’re not supposed to, besides there are no dogs allowed into the dog park, or people, and those figures in cloaks aren’t there either.
Caine: Well this appears to be…(shades on) a cloak and dogger affair
(Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!!)
BD: OK that’s getting annoying, and there’s the sports store where the chief’s secret police are (Points to Sports store with Black Helicopter on top)
Caine: Why don’t we ask them for assistance then?
BD: Technically the city council has ruled that I don’t exist and so they and the police and everyone else ignore me. If I try talking to anyone they cover their ears and close their eyes and sing. That’s part of their new protocol.
Cortana: If only that worked for me.
BD: Shut up!
Caine: I didn’t say anything
BD: I wasn’t talking to you, besides I bet you were thinking of some sort of stupid pun just now.
Caine: Like what? Like…(shades) justice is blind?
(Yeaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!)
BD: God Damnit! You do that one more time I’m gonna jam those sunglasses up yer ass!
Caine: OK fine, jeez!

They walk on past Big Rico’s Pizza.
BD: That place used to be good, but ever since wheat and wheat by products were outlawed, THE PIZZA TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!
Caine: I don’t doubt it.
BD: That’s why I hope Hiram McDaniels wins this next election for mayor, I’m sure he’ll bring back wheat and wheat by products
(Points to poster of five headed dragon with the words “Vote for Daniels” on it)
Cortana: Well he’s got my vote

They finally arrive at Grove Park where the defaced statue is. Caine sees a shape not too far away.
BD: Don’t look, think, or talk about that shape
Caine: But it’s just so noticeable
The shape begins to turn a shade of red
BD: It doesn’t like people talking about it, so ignore it
Caine: There seems to be a lot of that in this town

They focus their attention on the statue.
It has police tape around it and there is graffiti spray painted onto it. The face has been scratched and one of the arms lies on the ground.
The graffiti says
All Hail the Glow Cloud
The California Raisins Stole My Brain
All the Ducks are Swimming in the Water
Honey, where are my pants?
And other insane ramblings.

Caine: Hmmm, this seems to have been done by a person or persons with extreme psychological problems.
Cortana: Well it does sound like you even if you didn’t do it.
BD: Indeed, I like his or their style, but they did frame me so they must pay, preferable in Twinkies.

Caine touches the paint and rubs it between his fingers before smelling it.
Caine: This was written in blood, bump my hunch about psychological problems to full on psychosis.
BD: What you’ve never seen a blood ritual before?
Caine ignores him and walks around the statue while Cortana scans the blood
Cortana: Analyzing…the blood doesn’t seem to belong to any known creature.
BD: oooohhh, the mystery thickens.
Cortana: There appear to be traces of avian, draconian, and even some sort of large mammalian in this sample. Also, I detect small levels of magic.
BD: Huh, I wonder how long you would have to deep fry this monster before eating it?

Cortana just face palms again. She’s done it so much it seems to be a new subroutine of hers.
Caine: Hey I found some strange footprints over here

The footprints are sporadically spaced and look humanoid, only the toes appear extra long and there is blood in the insteps.
Caine: It looks like whoever this painter was, they liked dancing.
BD: Well who doesn’t like the mamba after a blood pact?
Caine: (Looks at ankle of Cecil Statue) Aha…and look at this…Butterflies
There is a picture of butterflies drawn with the blood
BD: So we got a fellow nutjob dancing around and destroying statues of celebrities with random sayings and blood butterflies?
Caine: Exactly, does that ring any bells for you?
BD: Unfortunately it rings way too many bells. You see a lot of shit when you jump around the multiverse.
Caine: Well that’s all I see here
BD: Well thanks Caine, you’ve been a big help, even if you are annoying
Caine: My pleasure, and careful when looking for this guy. Something tells me (shades) that his dance moves are killer
(Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!!)
Brown Dog just looks at him with a frown

Lieutenant Caine Teleports into a locked cell with nice furnishings with his sunglasses broken. There are other people in the cells adjacent to him. One is an older man with a beard watching TV, the other is a man with longish blonde hair and a stupid nose who has a coloring book.
Caine: Ow…
MB: Hey George, new fish!
GL: Shut up Michael, Game of Thrones is on.

Back in Night Vale
Cortana: Did you really have to send him to your prison?
BD: He knows what he did.
Cortana: He did help you
BD: Which is why his sentence won’t be as long, but enough about him. We now have a target…of sorts.
Cortana: Mind enlightening me?
BD: In due time, but first tune into the local broadcast
Radio: (Static)
Cecil: … stay tuned in for two commercial free hours of the letter Q. And remember dear listeners, to forget what you don’t know and to know what you have forgotten. Good night Night Vale, Good night.
BD: Oh good, perfect timing.
Cortana: For what?
BD: To visit with the victim of this horrific crime.

Teleports
Cecil Baldwin walks into his house and sees the Brown Dog in his kitchen.
BD: Hi!
Cecil: Oh, the Dog that doesn’t exist that ruined my statue (turns around and covers his ears while singing)
BD:  Hey now, I just want to talk, and it wasn’t me.
Cecil continues to sing
BD: Say, isn’t Carlos’s hair just the most pefectest thing ever?
Cecil stops singing, takes his hands off his ears, opens his eyes and turns around and smiles
Cecil: You do speak the absolute truth Dog that doesn’t exist
BD: Of course, that’s one of my best qualities
Cortana rolls her eyes in the HUD
Cecil: So what can I do for you?
BD: Well I just wanted clear up the air about this whole statue incident…




>> BrownDog77

A Cadillac Coupe de Ville pulls up to the shack on the bluffs, one with the noticeably open door and the rather plain design located nowhere near the back of the Ralph’s.  

Asuka: Anybody in here, particularly interdimensional dogs of the mischievous variety?

Rip: Really, zat’s vat you say to announce our presence (opens the door)

Asuka: It’s better than just knocking on the door.

Rip: Well (the two enter) this is a bust.  There is literally two things in this shack.

Asuka: Let me guess, jack and shit, right.

Rip: Yeah, and jack ran screaming about last night.  (looks around the room, noticing quite literally nothing except for two sets of prints)  Ah ha! Look paws and dress shoes.

Asuka: So he was here recently.

Rip: Yah (sniffing the air) and judging by the presence of In and Out Burger smell, recently.

Asuka: (pulls out her phone and activates the application) And according to this, he’s still in town, located precisely at…(fan girl squeal) CECIL PALMER’S STUDIO!

Rip: THERE’S NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE!

The two ladies return to the car and drive towards, town, which given the absurd speed limits and awkward placing of everything, it should take a few minutes.  Rip turns on the radio...

Cecil: Well dear listener, you remember a few days back when the crime of the century was committed? When some otherworldly beast from the deepest pits of hell itself sought to defile my golden visage that sits in Golden Grove park? For awhile now the Sheriff’s secret police have informed us that it was the talking dog in sunglasses…you know, the one who doesn’t exist? And we’ve had no reason not to believe that this nonexistent entity that lives near the Radiated Bluffs was the culprit. Well it turns out I had a visitor in my home late last night. Sadly it was not beautiful perfect Carlos, but rather the Dog that doesn’t exist himself. I went through the usual ritual, I turned my back, plugged my ears and closed my eyes, and I sang a lovely song about Good Days gone by.

Sadly I cannot recount my perfect singing voice to you since that would technically count as Karaoke, and as we all know, Karaoke is outlawed. Back to the events of last night, I tried to block out the dog that did not exist, but he spoke a golden truth to me, that I couldn’t help but hear him out. He told me that Carlos’s hair was the most perfectest in all of Night Vale. That was when I knew I should hear him out dear listener, because Carlos’s hair is in fact that perfect.

He claimed that he was innocent in the charges against him and that he believed somebody, or something, was framing him so that he would have to pay restitution in cash that he did not want to summon up. His reasons were quote, “Paying cash for damages is cause and effect, and that’s too orderly for my tastes. Also, I won’t pay for damages I didn’t commit, I could use that cash for In N Out Burger!” He then began drooling on my floor deep in thought before yelling out loud at someone only he could hear. He then told me that he had a few leads on the entities that were the true culprits of this horrible, horrible crime, and that they would be brought to his brand of justice.

Now listeners, I know what you’re thinking, “You shouldn’t listen to talking dogs that do not exist,” but Ladies and Gentlemen, I 
have to say that there was so much sincerity in his little doggy voice and charm in his little doggy smile that had you been there you would have taken his nonexistent word for it as well. I happily thanked him for his words then booped him on the nose. He laughed out loud as did I and I gave him a scratch behind the ears. He told me to keep up with the good work and that he would be back with news before I knew it. With that, he disappeared.  I believe he is telling the truth dear listeners, and dog gone it, pun intended listeners, I will wait and see how his mission turns up. Being framed by some unknown entity seems to put one between a rock and a hard place, but this dog will still seek the truth. My money is still on Desert Bluffs as nothing good ever comes out of there. This dog has conviction ladies and gentleman, not unlike our new mayoral candidate Hiram McDaniels, who I personally will be voting for come this fall. I will report to you any findings the Dog who does not exist gives as they come.

Asuka: You know, Rip, I never got a chance but what do you do for fun?

Rip: Vat do you mean?

Asuka: You know, when you’re not working for Daedaltheus and on assignments with the Lethal Ladies, what do you do to relax?

Rip: I like to read at home.

Asuka: What do you like to read?

Rip: Germanic tragedies steep in the myths of the Norse Gods while sipping on a chilled glass of blood.

Asuka: Oh.

Rip: (sighs) What do you like to do?

Asuka: Oh! Well, I’m studying biomechanical engineering and physics in Stockholm.  

Rip: Wait, wait, wait.  You mean to tell me that you, a mere seventeen year old is studying for a college degree in Stockholm and working for Daedaltheus.

Asuka: Actually, this will be for my doctorate and I work for Daedaltheus because he pays for my education.

Rip: Hmm, he did pay off my debts and pays for my mortgage.

Asuka: You own a house?

Rip: A small two bedroom house in the German countryside, nothing special, really.

Asuka: I live in a loft in Stockholm with other students.

Rip: Do they know about this?

Asuka: Not a fucking clue.

Rip: It’s better that way und we are here.  (the car comes to a halt outside of the studio)  Call the boss.

Asuka: Right (dials the secure line) Hello, we found him.

DXIV (phone): Him who?

Asuka: The Brown Dog.

DXIV: Where?

Asuka: In Night Vale of course.  We are about to engage him.

DXIV: Do not engage.

Asuka: Why not?

DXIV: Listen to me, do not engage him.

Rip: Too late, he’s scene us.

DXIV: Rip, Asuka!

Asuka: (jumping out of the car) We’ve got you now, you son of a (Rip and Asuka appear in a dark cave) bitch?

Rip: The fuck are we?

- Meanwhile in the Bunker –

DXIV: Rip, Asuka, are you there? Come in, for the love of God, please come in.

Phone: (silence)

DXIV: DAMN IT ALL TO HADES!

Raindrops: Sir?

DXIV: The Brown Dog got Rip and Asuka.

Raindrops: Are they dead?

DXIV: One-Way to find out (briskly walks out of his office, downstairs and to the vault)

Raindrops: Why not send some of the others after him?

DXIV: Rip is my most loyal officer and Asuka is a new recruit, I can’t just send others in willy-nilly and have them slaughtered, if that’s what has happened to them.

Daedaltheus picks up his LAPD 2019 blaster, checking the ammunition in it and placing it in a holster at his side.  He walks over to a shelf and picks up a long dark overcoat that his hanging inside of a yellow bag labeled FOR DXIV ONLY and puts it on.

Raindrops: This is serious.

DXIV: Of course it is.

Raindrops: I mean, you’re wearing the Coat, you only wear that when things are getting serious.

DXIV: If I engage the Brown Dog in battle, the last thing I need is for him to touch me and this coat should stop that.  (Summons a portal) I shall not be long.

- In Night Vale –

DXIV: (appears) All right, so it would appear that we are in Night Vale or more specifically in Grove Park.  (turns to see the shape that no one is supposed to talk about or know about)

The Shape: (glows violently red)

DXIV: Don’t you fucking dare start with me.

The Shape: (calms down and whimpers)

DXIV: Good.  (pulls out his phone) And the tracers inside their smartphones should kick in right…(looks at the screen) of course, they’re inside the mine shaft.  Because WHY THE FUCK NOT!  

Carlos: Excuse me, but did you just speak to the Shape?

The Shape: (glows)

DXIV: (pulls out the LAPD 2019 Blaster) What did I tell you?

The Shape: (stops and whimpers)

DXIV: Indeed (holsters the gun) Name’s Daedaltheus, don’t touch the coat, it’ll melt your flesh off and would you be so kind as to tell me if you’ve seen a dog, brown wearing sunglasses nearby, about yay tall?

Carlos: You mean that Brown Dog that city council says does not exist and that we aren’t supposed to know about or acknowledge.

DXIV: You really are perfect.

Carlos: What?

DXIV: Nothing but I take that as a yes.

Carlos: He’s talking to Cecil at the studio.

DXIV: Zamechatel'nyy (Wonderful)

Carlos: Are you Russian?

DXIV: Spent some time around Czar Nikolas the Second prior to the whole VI Lenin affair, nice guy really but listen, I have some friends to rescue so I need to take off. (vanishes)

Carlos: (holds out tape recorder) Subject appears to be a tall male in his thirties and has some connection to the dog.

- At the Mine Shaft –

DXIV: Ok we are here and (sees a large metal door over the entrance) they’ve beefed up security, A LOT.  (looks at the pistol) This thing isn’t going to cut it.

???: You want me to tear down the door for you, Daedaltheus?

DXIV: (lifts pocket watch) No, Amon, it’s quite all right.  I’ve got this.  

At this, Daedaltheus deeply inhales and begins to resonate his vocal cords for a few seconds, after which he gives a tremendous shout.

DXIV: CHUKSA! (the door and subsequent part of the shaft entrance explodes) Such is the Weirding Way.

- In the Mine –

Asuka: So let me get this straight, we got caught, sent here by the Brown Dog and…

Rip: Are trying to escape the mine shaft outside of town.

Asuka: Who's this prick?

A man in an offensive and cartoonishly inaccurate Native American headdress standing against the wall opposite of Rip and Asuka.

Apache Tracker: The dog teleported me with you to this place.

Rip:  Why couldn't we be stuck with Carlos, sweet perfect Carlos.

Asuka: (sighs) Yeah...

Apache Tracker: I'm still here you know.  

Rip: Fuck off.

All at once the ground shakes and light shines through the shaft.

Asuka: The hell (raises pistol)

DXIV: ASUKA! RIP! Are you two all right? (walks towards them)

Rip: Daedaltheus? You came for us.

DXIV: Of course. Mind the coat.

All at once a large man eating bat collides with Daedaltheus and instantly begins to melt.

DXIV: Yeah, the coat is of my own crafting you see each microfiber of this fantastic coat is laced with Vasta Narada, the shadows that eat the flesh, which attack anyone that touches me.  Sorry about that (the bat dies)

The three exit the mine.

Rip: What do you want us to do now?

DXIV: Join up with Raven and Jinx, but keep your vampiric nature hidden, got it?

Rip: Jawohl, Daedaltheus.

Asuka: Yes, sir.  But what about you…where’d he go?

- At Cecil’s House –

Cecil: Well, I’d have to talk it over with station management but perhaps I could get you a second guest spot.
Brown Dog: Awesome sauce! But next time, I want a trailer and only blue M&Ms. No! Green! No, those little aquamarine ones!
Suddenly, the door is kicked and lands against the wall of the studio as Daedaltheus steps through the doorway, the LAPD 2019 Blaster drawn as he points it towards the Brown Dog.

Brown Dog: Oh God, Debt Collectors!

Cortana: What the?!

Cecil: Oh hey, it’s the man I've never seen before.

DXIV: LONG LIVE THE FIGHTERS! (pulls the trigger as the Brown Dog teleports away leaving only the floor to explode upwards as the bullets collide with the wood flooring)  DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HADES!

Cecil: Did you know him?

DXIV: Hi, don’t touch the coat, eats flesh and yes I do. Know where he went?

Cecil: Nope and you ruined the floor.

DXIV: Sorry about that. (pulls out a checkbook, writes a check, and places it on the desk) Got to go. (starts to leave)  By the way, I love the show.  Vote Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home for Mayor.

Cecil: Thank you. (Daedaltheus vanishes)

- Back at the Bunker -

Raindrops: Did you find him?

DXIV: Yes and he is either an equal or...

Raindrops: Or?

DXIV: The most dangerous idiot I ever encountered.

- Meanwhile Outside the Studio in Night Vale -

Brown Dog: The hell, Cortana?!

Cortana: I opened a portal to save you from being... what are you doing?

Brown Dog: Chasing my tail. (chases his own tail) Why?

Cortana: (facepalm)




>> DaedaltheusXIV
The Brown Dog is sitting in front of a building surrounded by computers after having told Cecil the truth.
BD: Alright, time to Google this shit
Cortana: Your plan is to Google the clues at the crime scene?
BD: Duh! How else am I gonna narrow my list down?
Cortana: But we didn’t have to come to Google Headquarters to do this
BD: Well I didn’t want to half ass this investigation Cortana, I want to use my full ass, and that’s why we will Google at the heart of Google
Cortana: (Rolls her eyes) fine
BD: (typing and saying aloud) OK…bloody…butterfly…psycho…dancing…enter.
(And image of Buffalo Bill form Silence of the Lambs pops up)
BD: Buffalo Bill? Of course! The blood, the butterflies, being mad at gay people, ALL SIGNS POINT TO HIM!!!
Cortana: But wait that doesn’t…
(Teleport)

The Brown Dog arrives in Buffalo Bill’s basement
Cortana: …make sense.
BD: OK Bill, why did you frame m..OH DEAR GOD WHY?!

Buffalo Bill is dancing around naked in his Woman Suit in front of the mirror, and doesn’t hear the Brown Dog.
Bill: Ya I’d fuck me…I’d fuck me hard…
The Brown Dog is horrified, so he conjures up a mallet and knocks Buffalo Bill upside the head with it, knocking him out.

BD: …Well Cortana, I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for awhile.
Cortana: If I could eat, I would also stop.
BD: Ya…So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this guy probably didn’t frame me.
Cortana: Oh gee you think? What tipped you off?
BD: Well mostly the dancing he just preformed, it didn’t match any of the footprint patterns at the statue.
Cortana: …Really? That’s why? Not the fact that he’s a serial killer that only kills women, or that you’ve never met him before?
BD: Those are also valid points. I guess I jumped the gun at Google Headquarters. Well at least that’s one suspect off the list, let’s go tell Cecil the good news.
Cortana: Already? We just left
BD: He must always know my progress!
Teleports out

Back at Night Vale in the Afternoon in front of the Radio Station
BD: Ah, good to be back, it’s been far too long, hey we should get some Big Rico’s Pizza
Cortana: I thought you said you weren’t gonna eat for awhile…also that you hated Big Rico’s
BD: I do, but after watching Buffalo Bill dance, I realize it’s not nearly as nasty. And I am hungry.

A Slavic man in stereotypical Native American garb and headdress approaches the Brown Dog
Apache Tracker: They are coming. They are coming from below
BD: Oh geez it’s this asshole. Apaches never wore that outfit jack ass!
Cortana: How would you know?
BD: History Channel
Apache Tracker: Below the bowling alley…they will come
A Cadillac Coupe De Ville pulls up behind the Apache Tracker
BD: Oh hey that sure is a nice car
(Inside the Car) Rip: Too late he’s seen us!

The Apache Tracker kneels before the Brown Dog, obstructing his view
Apache: Heed my words! The spirits tell me they come soon!
BD: Alright, that’s enough out of you. 3 hours dungeon!

The Brown Dog Pushes the Apache tracker back towards the car with a wormhole appearing around him.
Asuka: We’ve got you now you son of a…
The wormhole surrounding the Apache Tracker envelopes the two women whom the Brown Dog didn’t know were there and they too are teleported away.
BD: Huh? Did you hear something?
Cortana: Only the sound of your stupidity.
BD: Oh, then nothing new then (Smiles)
Cortana: Why did you imprison him?
BD: Well technically I didn’t, I sent him to the prison in the Night Vale Mine Shaft, you know the one with HBO?  So technically he’s been arrested by the Sheriff’s secret police. Besides, he’ll be out in no time.
Cortana: Fine, whatever, let’s talk to Cecil and get going.
BD: Alrighty then, but first…(looks back at Coup) that is a very nice car isn’t it?
Cortana: I suppose?
BD: Hey watch this (takes out keys from somewhere and starts scratching on the driver’s side door, giggling while he does it) There, now it’s much better.
Cortana: …You drew Dick-Butt? Really?
BD: Yep, now the car’s price will skyrocket!

Teleports into studio.
Cecil: …The street-sweepers will be here any minute now! The City Council has already flown to their pre-scheduled vacation in Florida, and all we can do now is hide. Hide and pray dear listeners that they will not get you. It doesn’t seem fair that they are coming back so soon after the last street sweeping, but it is out of our hands. Good luck to you all…
On a lighter note, the Dog that does not exist has just appeared in the chair opposite me with a heart melting smile. I can only assume that means good news?
BD: Well it’s news alright, I have crossed one name off my suspect list, and I will continue to cross more off till I find the monsters that did this
Cecil: I am glad to hear that. You heard it right here folks, the Dog that doesn’t exist is on the case…and now, the weather. (Some indie rock song starts playing)
Cecil: (off the air) well that was rather fast.
BD: Yep, I'm like Twitter in that regard. I also saw a bird too, it was pretty. Can I keep updating you on air?
Cecil: Well, I’d have to talk it over with station management but perhaps I could get you a second guest spot.
BD: Awesome sauce! But next time, I want a trailer and only blue M&Ms. No! Green! No, those little aquamarine ones!

The door to the studio is then violently kicked in with a loud bang. All the Brown Dog sees is some guy in an awesome looking Jacket and a gun since Cecil is right in front of him and he can't see the guy's face. His mind immediately jumps to the logical conclusion.

BD: Oh God, Debt Collectors!
Cortana: What the?
Cecil: Oh hey, it’s the man I’ve never met before.
Debt Collector: LONG LIVE THE…

The Brown Dog doesn’t hear the rest as he is teleported. Not his usual way, but Cortana’s, the kind that always makes him feel a bit itchy.
He appears out front of the studio
BD: The hell Cortana?!
Cortana: I opened a portal to save you from being…what are you doing?
BD: Chasing my tail (running around chasing it) why?
Cortana: (Face Palms) For what reason?
BD: It itches! Also, save me from what? Yes debt collectors are scary, but he couldn’t have hurt me.
Cortana: In Night Vale? I don’t want to take any chances…I ….I…(voice faltering)
BD: Oh great, now you’ve expended your energy. And you call me stupid
Cortana: Shut….up…be…care…ful…
BD: Alright, time for you to take a nap (Taps glasses and Cortana shuts down)
He finally bites down on his own tail
BD: Graaahhhh!!!! It’s never worth it!
Looks around at the deserted streets.
BD: Huh, wonder where all the local wildlife is?...Oh well, time for pizza.
He Walks over to Big Rico’s, while down the road, the sound of Street Sweepers gets louder little by little