//------------------------------// // The OM-NOM-NOMnivore's Dilemma // Story: Not the Afterlife I Signed Up For // by inoeitall //------------------------------// Now generally, I’m not much of a morning person. However, give me pancakes and I’ll be earlier than the early bird. Twilight, Spike, and I were on our way to go meet up with the rest of our little entourage at Rarity’s Boutique. I wondered idly to myself if she’d make me any new clothes. Luckily we were up early enough (thanks to power of pancakes) that we were able to avoid any confrontations with the other denizens of Ponyville. Just as we were nearing the fancy building, Applejack and Alkaios came around the corner of another building, headed for the Boutique as well. “Huh. That’s funny.” Twilight mused aloud. “Hm? What’s funny?” I looked around, seeking the source of her amusement. She gestured to my fellow man and the orange cowpony. “Look at those two. They can’t seem to even look at each other.” Sure enough, they were taking great pains to avoid meeting each other’s eyes. I wonder what happened that makes them so uncomfortable around each other. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough. We’re nearly at the boutique. Hm, I wonder how the girls spent their first night in Equestria? Thoughts of pillow fights in slow mo suddenly filled my mind.... bouncing on the beds, feathers floating around the room, their laughter filling the air... Nah, Rarity would never allow that to happen anywhere near her precious dresses. Besides, I want to be present if that were ever to occur. Alkaios called out to me, apparently grateful for an excuse to ignore Applejack further, “Good morning. How are you this day?” “Sup Alky? I’m doing good. Had some pancakes for breakfast. What’d you have?” His eye twitched  both at his new nickname and at the mention of breakfast. I noticed Applejack cringe a bit as well. What the heck happened? Before I could press them for further information, Twilight cut in, “Well looks like we’re here!” In all fairness, she was right, and I was REALLY excited about seeing more of the details of my favourite show. Still though, I was a little put out I didn’t get to find out what was bugging Alkaios and AJ. I guess I’ll have to interrogate them later. Spike quickly stepped forward to knock on the door, announcing our presence. The little guy hardly need any extra motivation when he gets to see Rarity.  After a short wait,  a light blue aura coated the door and it swung open, jingling the little bell over the frame, and Rarity called out to us, “Be with you in a moment. Just make yourself at home.” What is she up to? The interior of her boutique is just like in the show. It honestly feels weird to be allowed to be here. Kind of like I’m disturbing a movie set or some piece of art. Alkaios apparently doesn’t have the same qualms as I do since he just plopped down on one of the chairs near the door. Applejack took one at the opposite end of the room. Their gazes accidentally met, and AJ started blushing furiously. Wait a second... Alkaios blushed as well? Oh no. No. Nonononononono... We haven’t even been in Ponyville a whole day and there are already emotional entanglements? Crap. And with the Spartan no less? Ugh... someone has some explaining to do. Before I could form a single syllable (I swear, it’s like there’s some sort of cosmic force that prevents me from doing stuff sometimes), Rarity popped into the room followed by Annabeth and Fang Hua. I stood up out of habit and as a sign of respect. They both looked fiiiiine! Rarity must have cleaned their clothes and made them take showers. Why am I even surprised though? There is no way Rarity would let a speck of dirt or blood stay in her presence longer than a few moments. “Why hello there everyone. Welcome to the Carousel Boutique.” Rarity did a little curtsy. “I’m terribly sorry to have kept you all waiting, but we were just finishing up... breakfast.” While her two guests looked squeaky clean, Rarity seemed slightly distraught. A few strands stuck up from her otherwise illustrious mane. Twilight picked up on it as well and asked, “Rarity, are you alright? You seem.... tense.” “Oh it’s nothing to be concerned about. It’s just a little conversation that we had over breakfast about what humans eat.” Oh crap. They had the “guess what? We eat meat” conversation without me there to smooth it over. This. Is. Bad. “What do you mean Rarity?” Twilight, I love you, but you can be a little clueless sometimes. “What I mean is-” I cut her off, “That this is going to be an interesting conversation that could use some tact to fully cover without causing offense.” They all gave me expectant looks. Great, lecture time. Let me just grab my notes that I keep prepared for just such an occasion. Oh dear, it seems that my notes have disappeared. Maybe 60s Spider Man took him to replace all of his lost... yeah I’m just going to stop monologuing now. They are still giving me those same looks. I took a deep breath, this was going to be a doozy. I’m just glad that Fluttershy , Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash aren’t here to hear this. I don’t want to scar Fluttershy, I’m afraid Pinkie Pie would get some BAD ideas, and I don’t want Rainbow Dash trying to kill me. “Alrighty then, I knew that this would come up sooner or later, though I suppose sooner is better for our health. Basically there is one slight caveat of our existence that we’ve neglected to tell you.” My audience collectively raised an eyebrow in anticipation. “And that would be?” Spike asked. “Our diet.” This was going to be interesting. The group of ponies looked to each other in confusion while my fellow humans exchanged looks of sudden understanding. Annabeth in particular seemed concerned for our hosts’ reactions. “As humans, we don’t eat hay or flowers or grass, though we do eat plenty of vegetables. Lettuce, broccoli, cucumbers, et cetera. Salads and veggie trays are all fine. Of course we also eat baked goods like bread, muffins, bagels, etc. We also eat plenty of fruits as well, but we are not herbivores.” I took a deep breath. “We fit into the classification of being ‘omnivorous’ creatures, meaning we eat just about everything. Meat included.” I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the oncoming storm of emotional shock.... nothing? I allowed myself to crack one of my eyes open, fully expecting to see a weeping Rarity or a raging Twilight, but they all seemed calm. “Um, I said we eat meat. You know, dead animal flesh?” Perhaps they didn’t understand me? “We heard ya the first time, sugarcube.” AJ chuckled. OK, NOT the reaction I was expecting. “There are plenty of creatures that eat... meat, and while I find it a bit off putting, it is a fact of life.” Rarity explained. Wat. “But you- with tha- what do.... WHAT?” We’re sorry to report that Brain.exe has stopped working. Would you like to send an error report? Y/N “Griffins, Diamond Dogs, and several of our pets eat meat. It isn’t exactly something they go around doing in public, but they need to get their protein in order to survive.” Twilight went into lecture mode. “Most meat that they get is from chickens and pigs that die of natural causes. The animals get to live out their lives, but their bodies don’t go to waste when they die. While it may be morbid, it isn’t wasteful.” Holy crap. That... that makes so much sense. Wait a second. Brain.exe has started working again. Awesome. Loading... loading... *DING* “You mean I don’t have to be a vegetarian?!?? WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!” I leapt for joy. How could I not? I mean seriously, how do you expect me to survive without bacon? Oh bacon, how deliciously crispy you are. Applejack chortled a bit more, “That’s right. Now don’t go expecting meat every day or anything, but you’ll be able to get some every now and again.” “That’s right, but if you wouldn’t mind, we would appreciate it if you cooked and ate it away from Ponyville.” Rarity wrinkled her nose in distaste. “If all I have to do is go on a hike to eat bacon, I will hike as far away as you need me to.” If my grin was any wider, I’m pretty sure my head might not be attached any more. Wait a second. If Rarity is OK with us eating meat, what was she going on about with Fang Hua? “Hold on a second, if yer OK with them eatin’ meat, what were ya talking ‘bout with Fang Hua?” Dang it Applejack, you beat me to the punch.... Hmmm.... can ponies punch without hands? Hoof? Front-buck? I’ll have to ask about that later, unless I for- “Oh THAT. I was only a little bit put out that Fang Hua had never had toast or oatmeal.” ARE YOU CRAZY? *ahem* Sorry about that. Had to be said. At least I didn’t say it aloud. “Well just about all of the food from my home is based around or made from rice.” Huh, never thought about the lack of toast in ancient china. Though I suppose not having a toaster would make it a bit more difficult to make. “Yes, you keep mentioning this ‘rice.’ What is it exactly?” Rarity asked. “WHAT?” I blurted out. “You don’t have rice here? That’s it. Annabeth, Alkaios, Fang Hua, pack your bags. We’re going home.” We all chuckled at my little jest, knowing full well that there was no way of going home. Twilight spoke up again, “Calm down now Isaac. We do have rice here, but it is a very rare delicacy mainly found in Neighpon.” Heheheh. Neigh-pon. Get it? No? Are you serious... ugh. It’s Japan for ponies. Nippon -> Neighpon. OK, it may be a bit of a stretch, but just roll with it. “Do you know if it would be possible for us to attain some? I know how nice it is to have a breakfast just like home, and I can only imagine how nice it would be for you Fang Hua.” Annabeth smiled at her. “Not a problem. I’m sure we can manage that. Spike? Mind adding that to our list?” “Yeah yeah, way ahead of you.” The small dragon started unrolling the scroll to add the new task. Dang. That thing is way too big. Looks like a roll of toilet paper or something. “Oh this will be awesome! You’ll love the sushi I make. I’ve even got quite a few vegetarian recipes that will be fine for everypony.” Time to put my skills with knives to a productive use. “What’s a ‘sushi?’ I ain’t never heard of it before.” Oh Applejack, how I love you and your double negatives. “Sushi is a Japanese- er, Neighponese dish that usually consists of rice and raw fish, or rice and vegetables. Sometimes it is wrapped in seaweed, but when made right, it is incredible! Hmmm... wonder if I can find some eels around here...” Maybe even some squid or octopus... Annabeth looked at me in shock. “Did you say raw fish?” “Ummm... yes? Don’t worry though, you won’t get sick or anything. It’s not like I’m making pufferfish or anything, and you can always stick to an avocado roll or something.” Even though I’m a good cook, I am not going to mess with pufferfish. That is a quick way to die. “Well, I suppose I could try it, but I must say that it sounds rather odd,” everyone else nodded in agreement about it. They’ll come around. Everyone always comes around to my cooking. “Well, now that that’s out of the way... Alkaios~” Time to troll. Watch and learn. My favourite Spartan grunted in reply, “What do you want?” “Oh nothing much really~ I was just wondering why you and AJ can hardly seem to look at each other without blushing.” At the mere mention of the orange mare, the blush returned in full force. “N-no reason!” AJ butted in. “Did you get into the Apple family’s cider? Oh my! Alkaios, are you an alchy? Heh, Alky the alchy!” Oh I am never going to stop using that. “What? No. Stop calling me that.” All gruff and tough, but that blush just makes him look tsundere. I swear if he says “baka,” I am running away before this turns into anything awkward. “Oooh, please do tell! Pleasepleaseplease.” Rarity used beg on Applejack. “Eerrm... Well, *gulp* alright Rarity.” It was super effective. “Well ya see, this morning, Alkaios and I were talking over breakfast and um,” she gulped audibly, “he asked for some of... mah milk.” Both AJ and Alkaios were blushing furiously. “That’s all? I had milk with my breakfast. What’s so awkward about that?” Seriously, what’s their deal? How can milk be so awkward. “Back in Sparta, it is customary to drink m-mare’s milk. I wasn’t thinking when she asked me what I wanted to drink.” Aaaaaaand I have now seen a Greek Facepalm. “So you mean that you...” Twilight trailed off, eyes wide. “Yes. I asked for her milk.” I couldn’t hold in my laughter any longer. It may have started off as a snicker, but in no time at all I was bellowing my laughter and rolling on the floor. Not one of my more dignified moments, but who cares really? It’s funny! Apparently though, everyone else was too busy being embarrassed. All the ponies were blushing like mad,  but Spike just kinda stood there confused. That is until Twilight whispered in his ear, THEN he started blushing too. Rarity glared at me, “How can you be so flippant?” “Oh come on! You have to admit it is at least a little bit funny. It’s not like he asked with the sole intention of offending her. I’d imagine that Big Mac wouldn’t take too kindly to that.” I chuckled some more at the thought of the red workhorse chasing the ancient Spartan through the streets of Ponyville with the Benny Hill theme blasting at full volume. “Wait, how do you know Big Mac?” Applejack looked rather confused. “Land of Legends, remember? The people that followed the stories of here know an awful lot about the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and a few other char- um, ponies. There isn’t a whole lot known about Big Mac to be honest, but after seeing him pull a house while trying to get to Cheerilee, I’m pretty sure that he could give Alkaios a run for his money.” “What? But it was only a few months ago that the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ antics wrecked my boutique! How could you know about that?” Huh, so Hearts and Hooves day wasn’t that long ago? Interesting. I decided I should be honest with them, “I have absolutely no idea. It’s magic, I ain’t gotta explain anything.” Boo yah. Never thought I’d get to say that to a pony. “Anywho, why exactly have we all gathered here today? I don’t mind getting to chill with y’all, but I’m just curious to know if there was some purpose.” “Oh! Rarity, I was wondering if you could help us make them look a little more presentable? I was hoping to arrange a meeting with the mayor so she could introduce the newest citizens of Ponyville.” And Pinkie Pie will throw a giant party. It doesn’t even need to be said really. “Oh but of course, dear. It won’t take but just a moment.” Applejack, Twilight, and Spike started backing away slowly from us as the purple maned fashionista levitated measuring tapes, pins, and fabrics toward us. “Now just stay still and this won’t hurt at all.” Eep. Mommy? ~~~ It’s too bad I had to pick up some hired hands, er, hooves, or whatever. I’d have prefered to jump right to the cargo’s location, snatch them up, and be done with it, but this is what the boss wants, so this is what I’ll do. If only that kobold didn’t stink so much. The agent tried to distract himself from the stench emanating from the lizard-man sitting across from him on the train from Stalliongrad. “Do you all understand your parts of the plan?” The cloaked figure asked his hired “help.” “Of course. We are professionals after all, and if what you say is true, this job will be giving us some special satisfaction on top of the pay you’ve offered us.” The unicorn puffed up her chest. “Chyaah. This is totally going to be awesome.” The griffin stroked her feathered head, straightening a few plumes. “Excellent. Now just shut up and sleep. This mode of transportation is far too slow for my taste, but it will have to do. We arrive at the destination in 3 days.” ~~~ That was the strangest 4 hours of my life, so far at least. Rarity went into a designing storm, and honestly, it kinda scared me. The speed that those scissors and needles were moving would be enough to scare most men to the point of tears, but not me. I’m made of tougher stuff... and there were ladies present so there’s no way I’m letting them see me cry. After the first hour or so Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash showed up and we got to talk a bit. We brought them up to speed on Alky’s question this morning, much to Fluttershy’s horror and RD’s mirth. Fluttershy also said that if any of her chickens or rabbits pass away, we’re welcome to it. She also mentioned that eating fish isn’t looked down upon nearly as much. OH YEAH! Sushi night will be here soon! I got to talk to Alkaios a bit more about the history of Sparta and Greece in general, but it was actually pretty boring for everyone except Twilight who was furiously scribbling down notes on everything we said and did that related to our homelands. Fang Hua showed us a bit of her Kung Fu, and she even taught me a bit more than I already knew. Those hoop blades were crazy, she was doing tricks with them that even made Rainbow Dash impressed. Of course Annabeth didn’t take part in this bit since it wasn’t ladylike. She also rebuffed my every attempt to start a conversation with her. She is a flipping ice queen right now, but I suppose my earlier advances on her weren’t exactly... subtle. Anywho, after those four agonizing, yet entertaining, hours, Rarity came parading out of her work room with four outfits floating along behind her. Whoa. I mean, WHOA. The outfits are awesome in the show, but they can’t really compare to having one made for you.  Rarity crafted a neat little skirt, tunic, and cape combo for Alkaios in white with a red trim. The cape was almost more like a poncho, but when he wore it, no one could possibly dare to call it anything but manly. Dang it, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I can’t hold back any longer.... Alkaios is hot. THERE! I SAID IT! He is a very handsome man, but I am not any less of a man for admitting it. Can we move on now? Fang Hua had a beautiful ensemble of silk pants and robes. So. Many. Layers. All in blues and greens. Somehow, Rarity managed to find a hair pin for her as well, don’t ask me how a clothier can make jewelry, but I guess that comes with her special talent for jewels and whatnot. I’m not doing a very good job of describing these, am I? Anywho, I nearly passed out once I saw Annabeth. She had a white silk blouse with three quarter sleeves, and, despite Rarity’s objections, she was wearing olive drab pants with spats. I never really thought that the WWII look was all that hot, but now I think otherwise. It wouldn’t surprise me to see her painted on the side of a fighter or bomber plane. She seriously looks like a woman straight off of one of those 1940’s pinups! Anywho, (why do I keep saying that? It isn’t even a real word... well it is now, so there!) Rarity finally came out with my outfit, and I must say ME GUSTA. Black denim slacks with a loose white button up shirt. A black jacket with epaulets and a stiff collar goes over the shirt, and is that..? It is. A British Driver’s Cap. I can now die a happy man. I used to have one of those, but I lost in in Italy. Long story. Each of us dressed behind the folding divider that Rarity keeps off to one side of her boutique for trying on clothes, though why a pony would need it is beyond me. I’m just going to roll with it. “Wow Rarity. These are incredible!” I slipped the jacket on after dressing behind the folding divider, though it only came up to my mid chest, and it felt like pure joy. I can’t explain how a jacket can feel like joy, but this one did. I couldn’t help but smile when I wore it. My fellow humans uttered similar exclamations of wonder and awe upon receiving their clothes. “Well, now that that’s taken care of,” Spike checked off another item on the list, “shouldn’t we get going to the town meeting? I’m sure everypony else is already there.” “You’re right Spike, I almost forgot that the meeting will be starting in a few minutes.” Twilight nodded decisively. “Cutting it awfully close, aren’t we?” Annabeth raised an eyebrow disapprovingly. “Aw lighten up. My family is almost always 5-10 minutes late every time anything is going on. If we’re late, then we’re on time.” Seriously, family gatherings never start when they are scheduled to start. “I can’t stand being tardy! We had better get going!” Twilight levitated us all up and out of the shop towards the center of town. Huh, ya know, I could get used to being levitated everywhere I go. It’s quite comfortable really. One other nice thing about being levitated, you don’t have to worry about where you’re going. You can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Oh look! There’s Sugarcube Corner, and there’s the Joke Shop from Griffon the Brush Off. I think that’s Berry Punch’s house over there. Yeah, the foundations have been reinforced recently. I guess she doesn’t want to be dragged all over town by Big Mac again. And here we are. All dressed up and ready to go. Twilight took us in a side door that apparently led backstage. The Mayor was waiting for us. She did jump just a little bit upon seeing us, but we probably don’t look nearly as scary now as we did early. Seeing Alkaios in his blood-stained armor would be enough to make most ponies faint, and even without the armor, he still radiated danger. I guess it would be more like a smell really, but it’s hard to describe.Twilight and Mayor Mare exchanged a few whispered greetings, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying over the murmuring of the crowd beyond the curtain. The mayor nodded to Twilight and stepped out through the curtain. Our pony chaperones took their leave as well to go watch from the crowd. Now it was just us humans back here chilling behind the curtain. Perhaps I could use this as a moment to apologize to Annabeth for coming on so strongly. I would flirt with Fang Hua, but I’m getting some strong “Stay away from my woman” vibes coming from Alkaios. I guess I’ll lay off for now. Before I could even start to say a thing to Annabeth, Mayor Mare started her introduction. “Welcome Fillies and Gentlecolts of Ponyville! I’m sure that by now you’ve heard various rumors of the newest additions to our humble community. Therefore, this town meeting has been called to properly introduce each of them to you!” A voice called out, “What makes them so special that they need an introduction?” That sounded a lot like Filthy Rich. Makes sense I suppose, snobbish little... “An excellent question Mr. Rich,” nailed it. “You see, our new neighbors are not ponies.” A few gasps and muttered conversations broke out before a new voice asked, “Then what are they?” Hmmm... can’t quite place that one. Might be Bon-bon, but she has so many voices, it is hard to tell. “Why don’t you ask them yourself, Daisy?” Dang! I was really off that time. Oh wait, I think that’s our cue to come on stage. The curtains parted and the collective gasp that the crowd emitted was night deafening. I mean seriously, I know I’m sexy, but isn’t a five second long gasp a little bit much? Quick! Brain! Think of something witty to say! “Well hello to you too.” GENIUS! Thanks brain! Any time, bro. Uh... OK? Annabeth grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear, “I think you’ve answered enough questions today. I think I’ll take over before you offend anyone else.” Awww she’s mad at me. “Knock yourself out.” I’ll bail her out if she needs it of course, but this will give me a better chance to really observe the crowd. The meeting proceeded in a standard Q&A session. Ponies would raise a hoof, and Annabeth, Alkaios, and Fang Hua would answer them. Not many questions were directed toward me, so I got to really watch the crowd. A few things caught my eye right off the bat,. First off, there were no animation doubles, which only makes sense seeing as how this isn’t animated... I think. Second thing I noticed was Lyra. She had her excited face on. Hooo boy, looks like all those fic writers who think that Lyra is obsessed with humans may be on to something. Every time Lyra would try to raise a hoof, Bon-bon would pull it back down and give Lyra a glare. D’aaaw, those two are so cute together. Next order of business, gotta find Derpy/Ditzy, or whatever you want to call her. I’m not going to decide one way or the other till I really meet her. Hmmmm.... DM says make a Spot check.... nat 20. Boo yah. There she is! Derpy eyes and all! She’s in the back hanging out next to... Doctor Whooves who is giving me a death glare. Crap. I bet he knows about humans, but if he does know about humans, that means he’s the real Doctor from Doctor Who, which means I can go back home and get my cat! I suppose I could let my family know I’m not dead yet.... Crap. That song. That horribly amazing song. It is now stuck in my head. I am not dead yet, I can dance and I can sing, I am not dead yet, I can do the highland fling I am not dead yet No need to go to bed No need to call the Doctor ‘Cause I’m not yet dead! I suppose I could call the Doctor since I know where to find him now. I wonder if he’d give me a lift on the TARDIS? Anyway, the questions continued on for awhile. Nothing too unusual. Just things like, “What are you? Where are you from? Why are you wearing so much clothes?” That last one was a little bit awkward, but at least we got it answered now instead of later.  This went on for about a half an hour or so until... “Enough questions!” Pinkie Pie somehow appeared on stage next to us. “It’s time to PARTAAY!!!” Then confetti exploded from everywhere. Oh Pinkie Pie, how I long for your ability to break physics and laugh in the face of logic. The music started playing, nothing too crazy yet, but that might change if I have anything to say about it. I turned to face my most recent of human companions and extended my hand, “Shall we?” Annabeth offered me the first smile I’ve seen from her, “Let’s.” Author’s Note Well, it took longer than I anticipated, but I finally did it. I hope you guys liked it! Special thanks to Coal Buck, RaiderRy4n, Glassed, and a few others for prereading this for me. (not that I had any typos or anything... <.<) As I have said before, and I’ll say again, A won the competition, but B did pretty well too. I’ll keep it nice and happy for a while, but the plot will thicken, and action will come. Nothing too dark... probably. When I say “dark” I do not mean grimdark, I mean sad, emotional, scary (but not too scary). As for the delay... blame Fairy Tail. My sister told me to start watching it, and I listened. AMAZING anime (I’d read the manga, but I’m a sucker for the music). Enough rambling now on my part. I look forward to your response, and if you guys have any suggestions or questions, feel free to post them in the comments or PM me any time. I am toying with the idea of OCs appearing, but no promises yet. I know I mentioned a musical number appearing in this chapter, but it just didn’t quite fit in with the flow of the story. I still plan on having that happen later, and if anyone has any advice, suggestions, or vocal talent, feel free to contact me! Thanks a bunch guys! OK. Final FINAL Author’s note. I have said this before, but not all of you seem to have seen it. I will be leaving for two years for a religious mission for my church. During those two years I will eat, breath, and sleep my religion. No ponies at all during that time. :( This means that I must finish this fic BEFORE I leave. Therefore, I give you all full permission to pester, bother, and prod me to write at any and all times. (no way am I going to regret this)