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// Car Crashes, Pony Tears, and Drunken Stupors 
// Story: The Age of Ascension 
// by BronyBrotherhood 
//------------------------------//

"So... How did it happen, John?" Rainbow asked. 

I sighed, remembering the day like it was only yesterday. 

"I was eight." I began. "My parents had just gotten home from a long business trip from Minnesota. Four months, to be precise. I had not seen them in four months, and so I stayed with my neighbors who gladly looked after me as though I was their own son. After they had come back, there was many a tearful reunion. And, to celebrate, my parents and I went out for a meal at the fanciest place in Essex. It was great. My parent's smiling faces as they lifted me up, greeting me with such utter joy, I got to have a slap-up dinner at the Ritz, that was probably the happiest and worst day of my life. On the way home, a drunk driver rammed our car going through a red light, killing my parents and rendering me unconscious. The bastard only got 4 years in prison. I lost my family, and got mild brain damage from the crash. I started to hear voices in my head, and I drifted away from everyone else. I was failing my middle school classes. My neighbors didn't know what to do with me. I started going to therapy, but nothing seemed to work. You know what got me back on track? Your show. It was the first show I had seen that was a happy, fun show. It taught me how to smile again, how to have friends. You guys made me a better person. I started going back to school, I got great grades, and the voices became less harsh and horrid than they were in the beginning. I got my friends back. I became me again, and I was able to get my life on track." 

My voice was trembling as much as my lower lip was. The ground directly below me had now grown dark brown with my tears. I looked up, and all of the ponies were gushing up a storm. Even the hard-ass Dei-dei had a few tears running down her face. 

I smiled sadly, and walked up to Twilight, and gave her a hug. I then did that to the rest of the ponies. And I even gave Aloysius a pat on the back and a hug to Dei-dei. 

"That's horrible!" Rainbow exclaimed, wiping away a new wave of tears. "But I have two questions."

"Shoot." I said.

"Ok. What is 'drunk', and what is 'driving'?" 

Aloysius smiled. 

"Oh, I think I can show you one of those."

He pulled out five six-packs of Budweiser out of his backpack and grinned. 

I gasped in a mix of delight and astonishment. 

"Duuuuuuuuuude.... We need to have a drink. Like, now."

Dei-dei looked concerned. 

"Aren't you both only 15? You're both underage." 

"Look around us, Dei-dei," Aloysius said. "We're in a world full of magical talking ponies, and you're worried about the laws of Earth." 

Dei-dei considered this, and then finally relented, motioning to Aloysius to throw her a can. 

Aloysius shook the remaining 27 cans of beer at the ponies. 

"Come on. It's only fair we teach you a little about our culture!"

"But what about the quiz?" Asked Twilight.

"Screw the quiz, we're getting drunk!" Yelled Aloysius.

The ponies seemed to agree with that, and they each grabbed a beer. We all cracked ours open, and then remembered that the ponies didn't have fingers. We cracked theirs open, and we all took a big, long swig of ice-cold beer. The ponies all finished theirs looong before we did, and we started to laugh as Rarity, Applejack, and Luna started to gag on the aftertaste of the beer. 

None of us objected to a second one though.
Or a third. 

After the third one, all of us were red-cheeked and giggly. 

I also knew what type of drunks everyone was. 

Applejack was the quiet and reflective drunk. 
Rarity was the nonstop laugher drunk.
Rainbow was the wussy type who passed out drunk after 2 beers.
Pinkie, to my surprise, was the down to earth, serious drunk. 
Twilight was the distaff drunk. 
Fluttershy was the loudmouthed drunk.
Celestia was the stoic drunk. She was the least rosy-cheeked of us all.
Luna was the angry drunk.
Aloysius was the idea drunk. The kind that philosophizes and is a major lightbulb. 
Dei-dei was the sorrowful drunk. 

I didn't really know which drunk I was.

If you have ever been drunk with friends, you know how crazy it can get. 

You have never seen anything crazy until you see pony beer pong.

You heard me right. Pony. Beer. Pong. 

The best one was Fluttershy vs. Luna. Every single time Fluttershy managed to get one in, she would gallop around the makeshift table we created and whoop a victory cheer as loud as she could. Luna would then get so mad she cheated, but apparently magic misfires and doesn't work right when the magic user isn't in a proper state of mind. This then proceeded to make Luna madder, and we had to call off the game because at one point Luna decided to use the ball as a missile headed straight for Fluttershy's head.

Thank God drunk magic doesn't work that well. It flew way above the oblivious Fluttershy, and sailed into a random pony's bedroom. They were not amused, and we all legged it before the pony realized who the assaulters were.

It wouldn't look good if the princesses of friendship, the Sun, and the Moon were found to be vandalizing people's homes drunk.  

We decided to lay low after that, and eventually made our way to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack said it was the least she could do after a fun night out.

Pity I snored the whole night and kept everyone else up. 

I'm the snorer drunk.