I just wanted to go to Equestria!

by Ditz


The More Things...

Ding….. Dong… Ding… Dong…

I look outside the window, thinking that maybe, just maybe, the view of nature will calm my nerves down… Of course, I had forgotten the simple fact that my room was placed right next the fucking ‘I do’ place.

“Geez, fucking thanks…” I groan.

Knock, knock

“Gah! Go away, I’m not ready!”

“Son, it’s me, your dad?” I quickly get off my seat and open the door to actually find my dad there, giving me a concerned look.

“May I come in?”

“Knock yourself out,” I say with a wave, sitting back on my ‘feeling sorry’ spot.

“Pat, you alright?” he asks, closing the door on his way in.

“I’m about as ‘alright’ as uncle Ben,” I reply.

“Wait, are you talking about the Spiderman Ben?, Or your uncle?” he asks confused, his knowledge of that stuff coming through.

“Well, both are dead, take your pick,” I groan. “Okay, that was a bit too much, I’m sorry,” I apologize for crossing the line.

“That’s alright, son,” he says undisturbed. “You are about to have some… ‘Great responsibility‘, after all,” he says with a grin.

“I set myself up for that one, didn’t I?” I say, bursting into laughter.

“Come on, son, you’ll do fine, if Peter Parker can handle saving the city, you can handle one person,” he says convincingly.

“I suppose,” he does raise a good point, I mean, it’s not like my life will be forever changed in an extremely radical way. “Thanks, dad.”

“No problem, son, now, go knock ‘em dead… Just make sure I’m not around when you knock her down,” he says with a devilishly look.

“… That’s so funny I forgot to punch you in the face to steal your joke…”

“Go get married, you idiot.”

Supportive parent for the win.

Several minutes later, I’m at the altar, completely dressed up on my brand new tux, my friends and family are sitting on one side; my mom is crying as expected, I see Paul giving me the thumbs up and Rick doing… A very unbecoming thrusting motion, ah, his girlfriend just slapped him for that. Well done.

And on the other side… My bride’s grandma. That’s it. A bit saddening.

Not for long, of course, if the sudden quieting is any indication.

The piano begins playing.

The door opens, revealing her… The bride, her face covered by a veil.

My bride.

She walks over to the altar in the manner that brides do whenever I see them in movies, but her? She does so with much more grace and finesse none of them compare. She soon reaches it, and the ceremony commences, I tune most stuff out because honestly I‘ve seen this in movies a million times, at least until the last point, which in all honesty, is all we care about.

“… may kiss the bride,” oh, yeah, the moment of truth! I reach to remove the veil an-- “AH! AH! HOLY FUCK!’

“What’s the matter, dear?” asks pony Trixie, standing on her hooves, and barely managing it. “Is Trixie wearing too much make-up?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

“Hey, wait a minute!” I hear another voice call, until suddenly the door to the place slams open, revealing none other than pony Pinkie Pie. “What about me!? I wanna get married too!”

“I… What…” I mumble, not knowing what to say to the pair of ponies suddenly, and slowly approaching each other.

Trixie… Says? What?

The both of them leapt into the air, landing opposite of each other with… Skin tight outfits. That’s it, I’m going insane.

“Whee!” Pinkie cheers, suddenly drawing a BLADE and swinging at Trixie who now holds one with her magic.

“Guys?” I start, not even knowing how to handle the situation. “Please, there is no need for violence!”

“Hughds assjiisdld,” Pinkie says… Kinda hard to understand when there is a sword in her mouth interrupting her very speech.

“The pink one is correct! You must not get in the way!” she swings her sword once more while Pinkie does the same.

“Whoopsie!”

“Huh?” I look at Pinkie who seems to have let go of the sword which is FLYING TOWARDS ME. “AAAAA-

~~~~~

“-AAAAAAHH-” thump. “Ah, fuck! That hurt!”

“Lemon, watch your mout- fuck! Ah, that was hot!” I hear the sound of mom’s voice downstairs. Hello irony, nice to meet you.

“Sorry!” I shout without meaning it, the dream being the forefront of my thoughts. “Ugh, why do I keep having those dreams?”

Shrugging it off for the time being, the first thing I do is reach for my phone, it’s become a habit ever since Trixie… Well, confessed, as I always find some message from her, ranging from -to be fair- cute, to downright raunchy… But I can’t complain, as to be fair… I haven’t really stopped her.

Today is no exception as I find a message from her, surprisingly, the message is actually NOT sexually explicit this time, in fact, it’s not even cute either, and with good reason too.

“The Pink one returns today, do not be late.”

As if I would forget.

Pinkie had gone out the city with the Cakes, apparently, they invited her to visit some city with some theme park and whatnot. Needless to say, the winter break without her had been boring, and I’m genuinely happy she is back… Not the lovey dovey kind of happy, because that would just be silly. Ahahahahahaha…

“Oh yeah… “ I say, coming to an obvious realization. “School starts again today,” I guess that makes the whole ‘she is coming back today’ thing make more sense.

After less a minute of fancying, I run down the stairs with the thought of breakfast in my head, but I stop noticing my parents standing at the kitchen entrance, giving me the look of death.

“Um, mom? Dad? Something the matter?” I ask confused.

“Son…” Dad starts. “We wanted to talk to you about… “ he looks a me with a worried stare. Oh no. Are they getting a divorce? It’s all my fault isn’t it!? I didn’t mean to burn the carpet! I was playing around!

“W-what is it?“ I ask regardless, gulping in fear.

“Well… You see, since Trixie and you are a thing now an-”

Oh. “Dad, for the last time, we aren’t ‘a thing‘!” I interrupt relieved. I’d forgotten that ever since they ‘accidentally’ read one of Trixie’s texts, they have been all over me. And let me reaffirm this, but it wasn’t a simple text either.

Interestingly enough, they didn’t care much for the message itself.

“Son, let your dad talk,” mom reprimands me, giving me the evil eye.

“Fine, humor me,” I reluctantly give in.

“Alright…” Dad sits down and looks at me with the most serious stare ever.. “You see, when a man and a woman love each other very muc-”

“Done,” I finish the conversation, simply walking out of the house, the still cold wind of January hitting me in the face like that one analogy I keep using says. The wind itself has nothing on my parents whose laughter I can hear all the way out here.

“Dammit,” I groan. Their attitudes had significantly changed from when I first arrived here, kind of jarring when I think about it, but I must say I like it, they act like my friends, friends who feed me and give me money.

The best kind of friends.

I guess I should ask them about it at some point… For now though, I have a bus to catch.

Growl…

… Maybe some breakfast before that would be a good idea.

~~~~~

I arrive at school completely out of breath, having missed the bus does that… I shouldn‘t have been late, but... Breakfast though.

Wait… Why didn’t I just ask mom to take me to school? … Fuck you, hindsight.

Anyway, soon enough, I make it to the entrance, where I find some of the gals already waiting; Rarity, AJ, and… Trixie. Goodie.

“Hi, girls!” I greet them.

Or rather, I would greet if I hadn’t been out of breath, so it came out more something like. “HAAIGH GRULSS,” either way, it is promptly ignored by Rarity and Trixie arguing about something, if it isn’t evident enough with them scowling at each other.

“Heya, pardner!” AJ shouts amusedly. “Wanna join on the fun?”

“What are they arguing about?” I ask her with feign interest, looking at the angry pair besides her.

“Just something dumb, don’t you pay them any mind,” AJ replies rolling her eyes.

“Dumb!?” Rarity screeches, her face twisted with the fury of a thousand marshmallows. “I will have you know that FASHION isn’t something dumb! Figures someone like you wouldn’t understand it!”

“And what in tarnation is that supposed to mean, pastel butt?” AJ growls, pushing her forehead over Rarity with a scowl.

“EXCUSE ME!?” Rarity shrieks, aaaaand this is the point where I simply tune them out and turn to look at the statue in the courtyard as I wait for Pinkie to arrive.

Examining the way it looks, gauge the different details placed upon its tough exterior.

“It’s really tall,” Man, I suck at this.

“Hey there.”

“I guess it’s hard too? Heh, heh… Hard.”

“I think you are cute.”

“Yes, I’m immature, what you gonna do about it, statue?”

“Trixie will touch your butt if you don‘t turn around.”

“Huh? What?” I glance to the side annoyed, my attempted ignoring having no effect on the girl. Maybe she just doesn’t care.

“Hello, boyfriend,” she whispers again, softly laying it on my ear.

“I‘M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!” I hiss through gritted teeth. “Shouldn’t you be arguing with Rarity, or something?”

“Well, Trixie was, but ’Pastel butt’ has sort of gone on another tangent with Apple girl there,” she explains, as I turn to find the pair colliding their foreheads and visibly fuming… They should get that checked.

“Well, could you stop calling me boyfriend? We aren‘t really dating, and I get a quite a bit of that with your messages,” I explain with a blush on my face. Her messages get that bad.

“As long as Trixie requires it… She will get you to admit your love for her,” she says, putting her head on my shoulder for less than a second before removing it, giving me the oddest smile while doing so, for some reason, it reminds me of a picture of pony Trixie touching horns with Tw-… Another pony.

“GUUUUUUUUUUYS!”

“Huh?” I turn my head around, looking for the source of the voice, but to no avail. “You heard that too, didn’t you?” I ask Trixie who simply nods.

“Guys, I’m over here!” the voice calls again, this time, the indistinguishable voice of Pinkie coming through.

“Over here where? Pinkie where are ya, girl?” AJ asks, finally returning from arguing.

The glimpse of a shadow catches my eye on the floor… Which seems to be getting bigger. In a quick take, we all turn our heads upwards, noticing just in time as Pinkie -Yep. Pinkie Pie- descending with a parachute. On another note, I am sad that she is wearing pants today and-Wait a minute is she aiming at m-

“Oof!” I moan in pain the moment her body hits my head on, knocking me to the ground, but before I can say anything, the parachute she is using lands on top us, causing about as much chaos as one should expect from this situation.

“Aaaah! Oh no! My hair!”

“Ah’ knew it! Granny said not to bring mah knife, and this happens!”

“Well, Pink girl certainly can make an entrance.”

I simply lay on the floor, completely fazed by the pink girl on top of me, being under the parachute helps me catch the strong smell of perfume combined with that sweat of hers as she sits there, simply looking at me with her big blue eyes, smiling and looking all kawaii as fuck, I see a-

“Hi Pat!”

… A face with a mouth.

“Heh, good thing Ah’ didn’t listen to Granny!” I hear AJ celebrate, and just as suddenly, hear the ripping of fabric as she probably cuts through the thing. Mere seconds later, the parachute is off us, while Pinkie is still on top of me, kneeling on my stomach

“You can get off me now,” her reply is a simple glare.. “What?”

“You didn’t’ say hi to me!” she huffs. I can’t help but laugh. “That’s not funny!” she looks around, noticing that she is sitting on me and giggles. “This is funny, though!”

“Hi Pinkie,” I say simply laughing it off. “I missed you too,” she smiles and gets off me, promptly helping me on my feet.

As soon as I’m up, the other two girls jump on Pinkie with their superior hugging capabilities, embracing the girl in a lustful search for friendship huggles… Of hugeness, or something or other.

“I missed you, girls!” Pinkie says happily.

Trixie is simply standing to the side, looking at the trio incredulously.

“So, is Trixie going to have to address the elephant in the room?” she asks, pointing towards the remains of the parachute.

“That’s true, dear, what in heavens were you doing with a parachute?” Rarity asks perplexed.

“Oh! Well, I always wanted to try parachuting, so I did !” she explains… And says no more.

“That’s it?” AJ asks.

“That’s it!” Pinkie replies joyfully. Well then, that‘s the end of that. “But wait! Someone is missing! Two someones!”

“Eeyup! Dash had to leave since coach Spitfire wanted to talk with her, and Shy is on the phone with the shelter people she volunteers with, you just missed them,” AJ conveniently chimes in.

“Oh no! But we were gonna have a ‘welcome back party’!” Riiing! “Maybe when we are off! Come on Trixie! You and I still need to have a welcome back hug!” Pinkie says, proceeding to grab the girl’s arm before subsequently dragging her away. I’m pretty sure this is how kidnappers start their careers.

“Wait, wh-” Trixie begins, but barely gets a word out before she is taken. “Trixie’s class is the other way!” I manage to hear her shout.

“Let’s meet after school!” I shout after the pair. Specifically Pinkie. “We need to catch up!”

“Of course we are!” Trixie responds instead, should have figured.

“Okey dokey lokey!” Pinkie shouts back right after her, flapping her hand rapidly in a crude goodbye motion before disappearing in the mass of students going inside the building.

“Yeah…” I simply say, a goofy smile plastered on my face… Just being friendly! No ulterior reasons!

“So, Rarity?” AJ starts behind me.

“Yes, Applejack?”

“How long do you think until Lemon ends with Trixie?” A good number of questions cross my mind at this moment, ranging from WHAT, to WHO, to WHY, and HOW.

“Gah?” I ‘ask‘, wasting no time to comment. “Excuse me! I’m still here, you know?”

“Interesting question, but I don’t know, I feel like he’ll end up with Pinkie Pie instead… They are rather close, don’t you think? Oh! Perhaps a wager of sorts will decide this,” Rarity says with a devilish grin.

“Rarity!?” I shriek, my voice breaking in a manly squeak.

“Oh, you are on, missy!” AJ grins confidently.

“I…” I barely blurt out as the pair goes into the building, passing the obvious miserable pile of misery that is me by without a word.

So much for the secret.

“I hate high school.”