Relics and Writeoff Stories

by FloydienSlip


Applejack Learns to Play the Banjo

Applejack stretched her back left leg as far as it could go, sighing in relief when she heard the cracks and pops of her back. She did the same with each of her other legs, her muscles visibly straining. A shake of her mane, and she stood upright on the ladder, smiling at the freshly painted barn. Good red paint was hard to come by. It was anypony’s guess as to why. Reaching for the basket next to her, she picked up a rather large pear. She took a bite, relishing the delicious, moist flavor of the fruit.

“Hi, Applejack!”

Choking, Applejack let out a series of violent coughs as she attempted to dislodge the chunk of pear from her throat. After about a minute, Applejack swallowed the fruit and cleared her throat, muttering all the while. She wheeled around to face Pinkie, who was making a face that was somewhere between an enormous smile and a polite grimace, like she had just swallowed a can of red paint. Applejack glared at her before making her way down the ladder.

“Lands’ sakes, Pinkie! You nearly gave me a hernia!” Applejack said, pushing a protrusion near her rear left leg back into her body. Grumbling, she made her way down the ladder. “What can I do you for?”

“I’ve got a super important question that needs an answer or else I’ll go com-pletely crazy!” Pinkie exclaimed, jumping out of her skin with wet, squishing noises.

“Pinkie,” Applejack sighed. She really didn’t want to have to deal with Pinkie right now.

“Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top and extra rainbow sprinkles?”

“Pinkie!”

Pinkie froze. “Yeeeeee—”

Applejack’s eyes rolled up into her sockets as she involuntarily let out a high-pitched whine.

“—eeeeees?”

Once her eyes had refocused, Applejack’s brow furrowed as she looked at Pinkie. “What, exactly, is this ‘super important question?’” she asked.

Pinkie’s eyes lit up and she gave a big grin. “Oh! Remember how a while ago you were playing a banjo on the cart we were taking to Golden Delicious’ hoard?”

“Her what?”

“Her house! You know, with all the cats and heirlooms?”

“Know what, never mind. And wasn’t that just—” she glanced at the sun and chewed her lip “—a few hours ago?”

Pinkie tilted her head to the side. “Yeah? I wasn’t sure how good your memory was, but that wasn’t my question, silly!”

“Consarn it, spit it out already!” Applejack’s normally happy face contorted into one of rage. Blood vessels at the corners of her eyes threatened to burst.

“How did you learn to play it?” Pinkie asked, raising one eyebrow.

“Play what?”

“The banjo, of course! I’ve never seen anypony else ever play it ever!”

“Oh, you mean this banjo right here?”

“Oooh, squelchy!” Pinkie said as Applejack gently pulled the stringed instrument out of her ear, so as not to cause too much more brain damage. “Yep, that’s the one!”

“Well, shucks, Pinkie, that’s an awful long story. You sure you wanna hear it?”

“Yeparooni!” She bounced in anticipation.

Applejack grinned. “Alright, if you say so. It all started about seven years ago…”

-------------------

“Ahaha! I bet your granny could push harder than that!” The mare let out another round of raucous laughter as the stallion seated across from her began to pour sweat. With a mighty push, she slammed his foreleg down on the hardwood table, marring its surface with a leg-shaped dent. As the stallion clutched his mangled limb, tears streaming down his face, the mare plucked a burlap bag full of bits from the center of the table and stowed it away in her duster. She raised the hat on her head and smiled at the stallion.

“Thank you kindly, uh… what was your name, again?”

“G-g-glass Joe,” stuttered the stallion, attempting to hold back a shriek as the mare vigorously shook his hoof.

“Thank you, Glass. Anyone else fancy a go at hoofwrestling?!” she roared across the tavern. Apart from the sound of Joe fainting behind the mare, the tavern was silent.